My thoughts on Turning Red

There has been a lot of conversation lately all over social media about Disney Pixar's new movie "Turning Red" and I thought, why not add my thoughts to the echo chamber of social media. For the record please know that I am speaking as conservative Christian mom raising a teenage boy and pre-teenage girl who has actually seen the movie. 

The most common complaints I have seen about this movie, aside from the period issue, is that this movie depicts a 13 year old girl who thinks she is grown, is disrespectful and rebellious towards her mother and has "sexy" dreams about boys and this movie is brainwashing our daughters to think that it is normal and acceptable to go against your parents and only seek out the advice of your friends. So here is what I saw, when again, I actually watched the movie. 

As a parent of a 13 year old and 11 year old, who most times think they are grown, and as a former 13 year old girl who at many times thought having "teen" at the end of my age magically made me an adult, this was accurate. Mei, the main character, talks a big game about being "her own woman" now that she is 13, but then rushes home from school everyday to help her parents in their family temple. She acts confident and independent at school but is desparetely seeking the approval of her mother. For a girl who claims to be her a grown up, she works hard at school to make straight A's and proudly presents those grades to her parents and lights up at their praise. I said, out loud, multiple times, "oh that poor girl" because I could see the huge amount of pressure she was putting on herself to please her mother. 

Yes, there was "rebellion" in the movie. Mei decided to "rebel" against her mother and to embrace her panda and make some money to buy tickets to a concert with her friends. Again, I speak as a parent to kids around Mei's age and there is just a lot of assuming and feeling entitled to things at this age. My kids will walk in the room and declare, "oh sweet tonight is game night at so-and-so's house, I'm so excited." Nevermind that my child hasn't once asked to go to this event or even mentioned it prior to 2 hours before it is supposed to start, they just assume they can go. Or my kids come inside from spending a few hours outside and they are holding cash, because without telling me they have been canvassing the neighborhood offering to rake leaves or pick weeds or whatever to make some money on the assumption I will take them to the store to spend said money. 13 year olds assume a lot of things and make impulsive decisions, but they don't do it because they hate or disrespect their parents. They just want to do something and they do it. Instead of refusing to let your kids see this behavior on screen (which by the way they figure out how to do all on their sinful own), watch it and TALK WITH YOUR KIDS. Talk about what is going on and what you expect instead. Also side note, so much of the conflict of this movie would have been avoided had the parents, especially the mom, just been having conversations with her kid. 

Finally, the thing that has frustrated me the most. I see a lot of people talking about how Mei has "sexy dreams" about a boy and how the movie is trying to normalize sexuality for our poor innocent children. So, here is what actually happens. Mei is doodling in her notebook and draws a picture about the boy who works at the local convienent store that her friends all think is cute. She starts drawing a shirtless picture, adding unrealistic abs and muscular arms and then draws pictures of this boy as a merman. There are pictures of Mei and her merman dream boy embracing, and maybe a picture of a kiss or almost kiss. Mom comes in and Mei tries to hide the notebook, because she is embarrassed. Mom sees the notebook, sees the pictures, and FLIPS OUT. Mom is assuming so many things and then storms down to the convienent store to confront this boy, that by the way has never seen or spoken to Mei, accusing him of taking advantage of Mei and poor Mei is so ashamed and embarrassed that she can't speak. We then see Mei pacing in her room in the middle of a full on shame spiral and this is the first time the word "sexy" is used. As Mei is shaming herself, she asks herself, "why did you do that? why did you draw those sexy things? you are a bad girl". Mei was innocently exploring feelings for a boy and her mom completely overreacted and heaped so much shame on her daughter. 

As I said before, so much of the movie's conflict could have been avoided simply by the mom being willing to have honest conversations with her daughter. The most clear example was that Mei will turn into a panda, which Mei didn't know about until she woke up as a panda. This is where the period parrallel comes, Mei was not prepapred for the changes her body was going through because the grown ups in her life were too embarrassed or thought they had more time. But in the more nuanced moments of the movie, communication between mom and daughter was what was missing. When Mom found the notebook of the "sexy" drawings, instead of opening the lines of communication so that her daughter would feel comfortable coming to her about these feelings, the overreaction told Mei that her feelings were bad and had to be hidden. 

I've seen so many people criticize how the movie doesn't portray Mei going to her mom for guidance, but watching the movie you can see why she doesn't. The generational trauma of her family's culture is on full display - parents are to be honored and obeyed at all costs, children are to perform and behave in a manner that brings honor, and anything uncomfortable is hidden away and not spoken of. Speaking from real experience, if you want your kids to come to your for guidance and to tell you things about their lives, you as the parent have to foster that from an early age. You have to have the awkward and hard conversations early and often. You have to allow questions and not freak out over them. When your kid comes to with you with something think you won't like, how you react matters and tells them so much more than your words. 

These are just the thoughts of one more mom and most likely aren't groundbreaking or opinions that haven't already been expressed, but I just wanted to add my voice. Turning Red was a good movie and provided opportunities for conversations with my kids. I am a huge fan of recent children's movies that are attacking generational trauma head-on and portraying cycle breakers. I'm not saying this was my favorite movie, because it wasn't, but it isn't the brainwashing, sexualizing, rebellion-fostering movie that I see many in the evangelical camp are making it out to be. Your kids are not going to watch this movie and start rebelling against their parents or starting twerking in the streets or have sex dreams about boys. Your kids will laugh, love the cute red panda, and if you're lucky, will ask you questions. 

I think we sometimes believe that movies have a lot more power than they actually do. We think that if my kid sees something on a movie they will immediately go out and do said thing. But movies just don't have that kind of power, especially when we go into a movie understanding this is FICTION and meant to be enjoyed. Again, communication with our kids has a huge impact on them, so if you talk to your kids about how we view movies, they will often see movies the way you taught them. Communication with kids about how we see the world results in our kids seeing the world the way we want them to. Our kids learn from us, if we are willing to teach them.

False Dichotomies and Harry Potter

    

Photo by Siora Photography on Unsplash

    I became a fan of the Harry Potter series as an adult. I read the first book when I was around 34 years old, but quickly became a fan. In fact, I would go so far as to call myself a Potter-Head. I took the official quiz to know my house (Hufflepuff), I own a ridiculous amount of merchandise, own multiple copies of the books (illustrated editions included), own all the movies, and even make my kids have Harry Potter themed birthday parties when they turn 11. I fell in love with the stories and the characters. But there is a reason why I was 34 before I ever touched a Harry Potter book.

     I was raised in a small town in North Carolina by two loving parents who loved Jesus. My family was always involved in church, and if the doors were open, odds were good that we were there. Church life was a huge part of my upbringing. Over the years, my parents dove deeper into their faith and the outpouring of that took some different turns.  

     My mom worked part time at a Christian bookstore for a period of time and became very good friends with some of the other employees. A few of these people were heavy into spiritual warfare - they annoited people and objects with oil as protection and there were even stories of them casting out demons. There was a time when my parents were very involved in this as well. The fear of a demon getting a hold on someone in our home became so great that my parents made us get rid of books and CDs. In middle school I loved R.L. Stine and juvenile horror stories - bought them at every book fair or ordered them every time the Scholastic flyer came home with me. But when my parents became deeply involved in spiritual warfare, all those books had to go. Anything deemed demonic or evil was thrown out.

     The first Harry Potter book was released the year I turned 15 and my parents were definitely in the camp that it was evil and demonic and taught little kids how to do witchcraft. They believed what someone told them and so I was not allowed to read the books. At the time it didn't really bother me because I thought it was a book for little kids any way and I was rebelling in other ways, so this just wasn't a battle I wanted to fight.

     Over the years, I too believed what I had been raised to believe, Harry Potter was evil and taught kids about witchcraft and not something a Christian should read. It wasn't until my senior year of college that I really began to unpack this falsehood and realized that my view of the series was most likely wrong. But even with this shift in thinking, I still wasn't sure how I felt about the series or how to reconcile it with my faith.

      Fast forward many years and we are friends with an amazing family who have a son the same age as our son. This is the family we have been doing life with and I felt comfortable being vulnerable and asking tough questions with them. We were hanging out with them one weekend and Harry Potter came up because her son was starting the series. So I frankly asked her how they handled Harry Potter being Christians. We had a long conversation and I walked away finally realizing that this is truly a fiction series, there is nothing demonic or evil about it, and Christians can absolutely read and enjoy the series.

      That night on the way home, Aaron and I talked for a while about the books and I brought up the fact that E would want to read the books since his best friend was reading them, and I should probably read them so we can discuss the books with our son as he reads them. So I went to the library and checked out Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. I probably read the whole book over the course of a weekend and I enjoyed it for what it was, a well written children's book with an intriguing story and a twist I didn't see coming. Then I read the next book and the next book and so on. I fell in love with the series after reading book four, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I became a Potter-head after finishing the series. I was hooked and have since read the series a few times and watched the movies oh so many times.

     The first time my love for Harry Potter became an issue within the church was after E's 11th birthday party. We had a Harry Potter themed party complete with sorting hat cupcakes, games themed after Hogwart's classes and even a "divination" magic trick. E wanted to invite a new friend from church, but having spent some time with the family, I had a feeling they may not approve of Harry Potter. Because I wanted to honor their family rules, I sent the mom a message detailing everything that would be at the party, and ultimately the mom decided that her son would not attend the party. I understood, said as much to the mom, and walked away from the conversation thinking all was well. 

     It wasn't until a week or two later that this mom asked to speak with Aaron and I in his office after the Sunday service. During the conversation, this mom repented and asked our forgiveness because she had been judging our parenting style and looking down on us because we let our kids read Harry Potter. We offered forgiveness and had a long conversation with her about personal convictions and Christian liberty and how we as a family did not feel there was anything wrong with reading Harry Potter. The conversation ended well enough, but the mom made it clear that she still believed we were wrong and that we just needed to learn what she had learned and we would come to realize it too.

     While I admired this woman's willingness to seek repentance for what could have been left a "secret sin", I never felt fully comfortable around her again. We were a part of the same circle of friends through the end of our time at our old church and I felt like I always had to guard my words or justify my parenting choices when around her. I felt like I was always under a microscope and every choice I made was being scrutinized. This woman and her family would go on to bring "concerns" about my husband and I to the church leadership and played a big role in our decision to leave the church. 

      The next time my love (or "obsession") of Harry Potter was called into question came in 2020. In a future blog I will go into more detail of what happened that year, but short form, we were brought before church leadership to account for and defend some social media posts and beliefs and were ultimately told that while we were not wrong in our convictions, we would not be allowed to talk about our convictions publicly moving forward. We came to the hard decision to step down from ministry and leave our church. It was after we made the public announcement that we were leaving that a woman, whom I loved very much, came to Aaron with concerns about our family's Harry Potter obsession.

     An older female member approached Aaron at the church one weekday after the announcement was made. She told Aaron that she was concerned about our family's obsession with Harry Potter and the spiritual warfare that follows it. Aaron talked to her at length about our theology on films and how our kids absolutely understand these books and movies are make-believe. He also went on to explain how the church is okay with sorcery and witchcraft, just look at the Lord of the Rings series or Chronicles of Narnia. He also made the point that liking Harry Potter is no different than liking Star Wars. But in the end, she believed that our "obsession" was wrong and was allowing a foothold for spiritual warfare for the devil. She also implied that all the things that were happening to us and our having to leave was brought about because of my love of a children's fiction series.

     I need to make it known that I adored this woman. She was like a grandmother to my children. I loved her, thought the world of her, and when I found out about the conversation she had with Aaron, I was taken by great surprise. Then I was hurt and then I was just angry. I felt like she blamed my love of Harry Potter for the bad things happening to us. Nevermind the actual facts of what was happening and the mistreatment of us- it was the Harry Potter.

     The few months leading up to this conversation were some of the hardest of our lives, and most definitely the hardest of our ministry. We were mistreated, misrepresented, and had our understanding of the gospel and God's word called into question. We were called names, had charges for church discipline brought against us, and we felt so alone and hurt. I no longer felt welcome in my church and my heart was broken over my husband losing his ministry. It was a horrible time in which many wrongs were done to us and to have someone minimize that and put the blame for sins being done against me and my family on my love of a book series was infuriating. 

     I spent so much of my time at our old church hiding parts of myself and this was just one more example. I felt like I always had to justify my choices and work so hard to prove that I really did love Jesus. Through this time of healing I have come to see just how unfair this was. I am thankful that I have come to a place where I realize that I can love Harry Potter and love Jesus, I don't have to have choose. God gave me a love of literature and critically speaking the Harry Potter books are incredibly well written and really good stories, and there is nothing wrong with me acknowledging and appreciating that. 

     There is a false dichotomy at play here - this idea that loving Harry Potter automatically means I'm letting Satan have a foothold in my life. And false dichotomies played a part in our leaving. Life is full of nuance and very rarely do we actually need to draw a hard line in the sand on issues that are not central to the gospel. We serve a big God who extends much grace to us and as long as we believe the core of the gospel, "that we enter God's kingdom through God's cross by God's grace" (Northstar Catechism  (c) 2013 Sojourn Community Church), then so many other things we fight about are tertiary and up to personal liberty and conviction. When we make secondary things the big things, we place an unnecessary weight on people to fit into a certain mold and of people who prescribe their preferences to others.

     I share my story to give hope to others who are feeling the weight of false dichotomies - that to love Jesus means you have to give up everything in your life that doesn't involve reading the Bible, listening to Christian music, or going to church. We serve a creative God who gave us the ability to create and enjoy the good things in his creation. Loving a part of creation does not mean you don't love Jesus - you can love both. And Harry Potter doesn't open the door to Satan and his minions, it just doesn't.

Peace out 2021 - I won't miss you

      The second half of 2021 was REALLY HARD and a lot of awful. 2021 was harder for me than 2020, but it didn't start out that way. In fact, 2021 started out filled with promise.

     At the beginning of 2021 I decided to take control of my health and started doing Noom and it was great. I developed a healthier relationship with food and was the most active I had been in many years. I even did two 5Ks in 2021, one of them I RAN half of it!! And there were things in 2021 I was looking forward to, especially my fifteenth wedding anniversary.

     Aaron and I were so excited because we had the money for us to go to Disney World to celebrate our anniversary. We were going to spend our actual anniversary at EPCOT and then spend a day at Hollywood Studios and visit the new Star Wars land. It was the first time we would be going away together since bringing Ellie home in 2019 and the expectations were high. We made our dinner reservation and made the lists of all the booths we wanted to visit during the Food and Wine Festival. It was supposed to be a magical second honeymoon.

     The night before we were to leave Aaron made the comment that he wasn't feeling well and thought maybe one of the burgers he had for lunch wasn't fully cooked. By the next morning, Aaron was feeling worse, spent most of the day in bed, and I wasn't sure if we were going to leave that afternoon. Aaron convinced himself that he had a bad case of food poisoning and by sheer force of will got up and we headed to the airport.

     It was a pretty miserable flight for my guy, but he was rallying and determined to go to Disney World the next day. He thought he pulled a muscle vomitting because he was having a hard time standing up straight and was moving very slowly. The next morning we got up and he was still determined to go to EPCOT, but I insisted on renting a wheelchair to make getting around easier for him. 

     So I spent our anniversary pushing my husband around EPCOT in a wheelchair and forcing him to drink plenty of water and pushing food in him. I was fighting disappointment and trying to not let my unmet expectations turn to resentment towards Aaron - after all it wasn't his fault that he got food poisoning. I kept reminding myself that this was what marriage really looks like, sacraficing and making the most of even the worst situations. We made it through the day, but it came at a cost and poor Aaron was exhausted and ready to leave before the nighttime show.

     Friday morning I woke up early and asked Aaron (for probably the 500th time) if he wanted me to try for boarding passes of Rise of the Resistance and he said yes. So, I tried and by God's grace did NOT get one. Then I started looking up Aaron's symptoms myself and I realized that maybe this wasn't food poisoning after all. I told Aaron that I thought we needed to go Urgent Care, which he didn't fight. Urgent Care took one look at Aaron and told him to go straight to the closest ER.

     Within a few hours it was confirmed that Aaron had appendicitis. A few more hours later and Aaron went back to surgery. The surgeon came out and confirmed our fear, Aaron's appendix had burst (probably Wednesday evening on the plane), his abdomen was full of excrement and he was septic. Aaron spent the next few days in a hospital in Florida with a tube coming out of his abdomen. I came close to losing my husband and it was scary.

     Once we finally made it home, it would be another 2 weeks before he would be able to go back to work or lift anything. Then a couple weeks after that he would develop the beginnings of an abscess and have to go back on antibiotics to treat it. It would be September before Aaron started to get back to normal. 

     During that time I stopped prioritizing myself and my health. I was focused on being Ellie's primary caregiver and Aaron's caregiver and keeping everyone alive. I stopped being mindful of my eating and I stopped working out. I made excuses and before long I just felt icky and crummy. I lost myself and I was miserable.

     In the last few months of the year I also started doing a lot of personal reflection and processing of past hurts and trauma. I started blogging again and sharing/processing the hurts from our prior church. I also started digging into the baggage I have carried from my childhood and started sharing with Aaron things he didn't even know. I've spent the last month or so really digging deep and processing a lot of stuff and mess and baggage. It's been hard work, but I know it's worth it.

     I decided a few weeks ago that I'm sick of being miserable and unhappy and that it was my own dagum fault. So I decided to make some changes. I finally made the appointment with the chiropractor that I've been putting off for years. I restarted Noom. I got a haircut, not just a trim, but an actual styled haircut. I'm working on setting boundaries and keeping them. I'm having the hard conversations. I'm leaning into my tribe of women and being vulnerable with people again. I will not feel mom guilt or believe the lie that I'm being selfish by doing things for myself. I'm taking back my life.