Fighting the Desire to Have Good Kids

  I am a lucky woman. Actually, no I am blessed beyond what I deserve. It blows me away that God would choose a mess-up like me to be responsible for the lives of two little people. I am thankful everyday that I get to be "Mom" to these two precious kiddos.

   And while I would not change a single moment of the past six years, I will be honest in saying that life is not always easy with these two. Yes, they are cute and precious and smart and wonderful, but they are also whiny and manipulative and stubborn and disobedient. In other words, my kids are sinful. Just like me.
    We all have those days. You know the ones I'm talking about. The days that start out wrong and never straighten out. In case you are the rare unicorn who has perfect children that never experience bad days, let me paint a picture for you.
    Both children are awake and oh so cranky before 7 AM, even though they did not go to bed until almost 10 PM the night before because community group ran long. They are crying and falling apart because you don't fix drinks fast enough, you aren't changing their wet clothes fast enough, they don't get to sit beside you on the couch, the sun is yellow, etc. Your two kids, who can at times be the best of playmates, cannot get along to save their lives. They are arguing over the television, seats on the couch, toys, books, air, you name it. No one wants to eat breakfast. No one wants to brush their teeth. No one wants to do their school work. By 10 AM, they have each been in time out in their beds at least twice. Finally school is done and it is time to get ready for storytime at the library, one of the kids favorite activities during the week. You  tell your kids to get dressed and you take the dog out, get dressed yourself, brush your teeth, etc. You walk into the living room 15 minutes later to see your kids lying on the couch still in their pajamas. It is at this point you become a raving lunatic and start screaming at your kids which of course leads to them crying. And all of this before lunch.
   Days like these are the days when I find myself expecting my kids to be good simply for the sake of being good. I find myself screaming at them, why don't you just obey? You know what to do, do it! Be good! Be good! Be good! You are failing, do better.
    I forget so often that my kids are sinners in need of the saving grace of Jesus, just like me. I have the desire for my kids to be well-behaved super children who never disobey and are always polite and gracious. I want to be the mom who is complimented in the store for how awesome my kids are. Instead, I am the mom who gets the sympathetic (or judgmental) looks because my 4 year old is on the floor melting down in the costume aisle because I don't have $20 to spend on a Rapunzel costume.
     Growing up, it was ingrained in me to be good. I was taught that I should be good and obedient to please God. I was taught morality and because of that I always felt as if it was up to me to EARN God's favor. There was a list of things I should do and if I did them I was good. Being a Christian became synonymous with being good. If I wasn't doing the things on the list then I wasn't really saved. My salvation, while it came from God, was still greatly dependent upon my performance.
     Surprisingly enough, I failed all the time and thus never felt good enough for God. No one really taught me that I was NEVER GOOD ENOUGH for God. I was not shown that God saved me by his grace alone, not because of what I did or some untapped potential in me, he saved me simply because he loved me. It took me a long time to realize that it was not up to me to earn my salvation in any way. I could never be good enough to be accepted by God. I was saved by grace and grace alone. God did  all the work and I had no part to play in my salvation. I obey God, not because it makes him happy, but because I love him because he first loved me. My obedience is an act of love, not a performance.
     As I am learning this truth for myself, I am desperate for my children to learn it as well. I don't want to watch my kids struggle to be good enough for God. I don't want my kids to carry the weight of failures when they can't measure up to some unrealistic standard. I want my kids to know from the very beginning that their salvation is not dependent on them or anything they do; their salvation was fought for and won by Jesus' life and death on the cross. I want my kids to see their need for Jesus from their earliest days.
    My struggle comes in the balance. I do want my kids to understand that they are sinners who need Jesus, but I also want my kids to obey me to keep peace in our home. I don't feel the desire to have obedient, respectful kids is wrong, but my problem is that sometimes that's all I want from my kids. I don't always point out sin to my kids. I don't always pray with my kids that God will help them overcome their sin. Sometimes I expect perfect obedience, discipline when that does not happen and repeat the cycle.
    On the other end of that spectrum, sometimes I do take the time to point out sin to my kids, but I don't point them to the cross. I realize that I am really good at focusing on my kids sin and depravity, but not so good at pointing them to the grace of the cross. I tell them I forgive them, but I don't remind them that God forgives and loves them too. I am quick to show my kids their need for something more, but I don't always show them that what they need is Jesus.
     As a parent, I experience God's grace abundantly. I fail my kids so often, and yet they always love me and are quick to forgive and forget my screw-ups. My kids melt my heart every day and teach me the pure innocence of unconditional love.
      This post has been cathartic and convicting all at the same time, but I don't want to leave it at that. I want to share some of the things that we do with our kids to be intentional about showing them grace and their need for Jesus. I don't present these as a step-by-step checklist to better kids. I also don't present them as things that I am always consistent at doing. Finally, I also do not present these as, "hey look at me and how awesome I am, I finally figured it out." Hopefully you saw the truth in this post that I fail A LOT! I present these things because I don't want to just point out the problem and leave it at that. I want to share some practical solutions that can help us.

1. Instill in your kids that you love them no matter what.
    If there is one thing that I feel I have gotten right with my kids, it's that they know I love them, even when I'm angry. My daughter will look at me and say, "who are you mad at Mommy?" Sometimes I will tell  her I am mad at her or her brother and tell her why. She will then look at me and, "but you still love us even when your mad, right?" I have said that phrase many times over the past 4-6 years, depending on which kid you are talking to. I have also shown my love to my kids enough, that they are confident of my love even when I am screaming at them or sending them to their room. My kids know that they do not have to earn my love, but that they have it simply because they are my kids.

2. Show your kids grace.
   At our house we don't do Santa at Christmas. We have told our kids that we don't believe in Santa because there is not a strange man who drops off presents for them because they are good. The presents they receive on Christmas morning come from Mommy and Daddy because we love them and we want to give them gifts. We show them grace in that. Sometimes I will buy my kids something at the store or take them on an outing, even when they are not behaving. When I do those things, I tell them, "I am giving you grace. You don't deserve this toy or to go to the museum, but I love you and I am doing it anyway. You did not earn it, I am showing you grace." The first few times I did this, I felt so awkward and pompous, but now I see how important it is. I want my kids to begin to understand that grace is something we receive when we don't deserve it. You cannot work for and earn grace. Sometimes grace is given when we LEAST deserve it. I whole-heartedly believe that by showing my kids grace (and explicitly telling them it's grace), I am helping to prepare their hearts to receive God's grace.

3. Share the truths of Scripture with your kids.
    We began homeschool this year with our kids and one of the things we do every morning is go through a catechism question and memory verse from the North Star Catechism. We are teaching our kids spiritual truths that they can memorize and stand on. My kids are learning important aspects of our Christian faith. They are memorizing Scripture. We are building disciplines in them they will help to sanctify them (not save them) later. I love that my kids know that God exists forever as three persons, God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. My kids know that no one is truly good except God. They may not fully understand the truths now, but they are learning them.

4. Finally, point to Jesus as much as possible.
    I am working on doing a better job of pointing my kids to Jesus as much as possible. When we read our Old Testament Bible stories at night, my husband and I are quick to point out Jesus. We emphasize that the great feats in the Bible (Joshua and the battle of Jericho, David and Goliath, Daniel in the Lion's Den) are accomplished solely by the work of God. These events did not happen because the men were good or obedient or faithful. They happened because God willed them to. We also make sure that God stays the main character of all the Bible stories we read. We don't want our kids to think that the main character of David and Goliath is David, and that they should be courageous like David. No, the main character is God, they should be learning what the story teaches them about God.

  A big difference in teaching morality and teaching grace, is looking at who the main character is. Take the Ten Commandments. Morality says to kids obey the Ten Commandments because THEY need to be good so THEY can make God happy. Grace teaches kids that the Ten Commandments were given to us by God as guidelines to show us that we can never measure up, so God gave us Jesus to save us and make us righteous even when we fail to meet the standard. Do you see the difference? Morality makes you and me and our kids the main character, where Grace keeps God in the center as he should be.

   Let's commit to pray for each other that we will not simply desire to have good kids, but that we will desire to have kids saved by grace!

I Need to Stop Being a Quarrelsome Wife

      It's been a while since I last posted because life got in the way. This particular post has been bouncing around in my brain since Wednesday and this is the first moment that I have taken to actually sit down and write it.
      It all began on Tuesday. The hubby and I were having a bad day. We were both in some physical pain (his back, my neck), we were both tired and really irritable. The kids and I met up with the hubby after he got off work and I felt like I could do not say or do anything right. Instead of talking to my husband, I simply shut down and gave him the silent treatment. When I did speak to him, it was terse and short. The silent treatment lead to me thinking really mean thoughts about my husband. Things like, "he never helps me with the kids" (which he does quite a lot) and "I hate that stupid phone, he is always on it" (which he's not and I am just as bad about). Once we got home, he and I spent the rest of the night in separate rooms not talking. It was a long and miserable evening.
      The next morning, I texted him with an apology and when we saw each other again after work we had a good talk about what had upset each of us and exchanged more apologizes and offered up forgiveness. Want to know the really bad thing about all of this? The whole time I was mad, I knew I was being ridiculous. The Holy Spirit kept prompting me to love my husband and talk to him, but I chose to ignore the Spirit. Instead, I fed myself several lies that I believe that we all, but especially women, tell ourselves when our man (or woman) hurts us.
      The first lie is "if he's gonna be nasty, than so am I." We believe that karma (even if we don't use that name) is at play. We tell ourselves that what goes around comes around and he is only getting what he deserves. But there is no place for karma in the Christian life or the Christian marriage.

      Proverbs 24:29 - "Do not say, 'I will do to him as he has done to me; I will pay the man back for what he has done.'"
      Romans 12:17 - "Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all."

     When we claim Christ, we claim his word and all that he is about.  Because I claim Christ, it is not okay for me to "get back" at my husband or to "teach him a lesson," I am called to more than that; I am called to leave the idea of karma behind. Karma says "I get what's coming to me," but Christianity says "I get what's coming to Christ, glory and honor." I am to replicate the love and grace shown to me by God in all areas of my life, but especially in my marriage.
       Along with the first lie, the second lie tells me that I am justified in my anger. Because my husband has done something to hurt or wrong me, I am allowed to wallow in hurt and anger and to hold it all against him. However, Scripture tells me something very different.

      1 Corinthians 13:4-7 - "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, endures all things."
     1 Peter 4:8 - "Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins."

    Even when the world, or my own pride, tells me that I am justified in my anger and resentment, God's word tells me that real love is contrary to that. Because of my love for my husband, there is no more "I"m justified." When I am focused on the sin, or perceived sin, of my husband, I am incapable of loving him well. When I am loving him earnestly, I am able to see my love for him as opposed to the sin. Because I love him I do not hold his sins against him. When sin does need to be addressed, I do not approach the sin with justice and anger, but instead I approach the sin with love and grace.
     A final lie that I believe is that my husband "knows." That is a big lie that we women like to believe. Our man says or does something that hurts our feelings and instead of telling him, we sulk and let it stew and wait for him to realize what he did. We like to believe that he knows what he did, but sometimes, he honestly does not know. Many times in my marriage, I have had to bring to my husband's attention times when he speaks harshly or makes a comment that he meant in jest, but in fact cut deep. It's not that my husband is an oblivious moron, it's that we perceive things differently and he is not in my head. It is not fair for me to stay mad at my husband without talking to him and telling him why I am mad.

    Mark 10:7-9 - "'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate."
   Colossians 3:13 - "bearing with one another and if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has also forgiven you, so you must also forgive."

    My husband and I are now one. There is no longer two separate individuals, but rather two parts to one whole. It is not fair for me to shut down on my husband and treat him poorly, because that is like shutting down on myself. He is a part of me now. I can't just expect him to figure it out and come groveling to me for forgiveness. I have been told that I must bear with my husband, and that includes bringing my complaints to him. But most importantly, I have been called to forgive my husband. Those of us who are in Christ have experienced forgiveness that is unfathomable. We all deserve death and hell, and yet God in his infinite grace, through the death and resurrection of his son, has shown us all forgiveness. Not only does God forgive us, he no longer holds our sins against us. And just like God has forgiven me, I am called to forgive my husband and to not hold things against him.
      I want to end on something that really convicted me as I searched the Scripture, something that is not comfortable to talk about and something that I honestly wish wasn't in the Bible. Four times in Proverbs it talks about how bad it is to have a quarrelsome wife.

     Proverbs 27:15 - "A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are the same."
    Proverbs 19:13 - "A foolish son is ruin to his father, and a wife's quarreling is a continual dripping of rain."
    Proverbs 21:9 and 25:24 -"It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife."

    Dude, these verses suck! When I was younger I used to think how archaic and sexist these verses were. I mean what kind of jerk would write such a thing. I bet the wife had every right to be "quarrelsome" because the husband probably sat on his butt all day barking orders. Then I read these verses on Wednesday after I spent the better part of the previous evening being a quarrelsome wife, and it was like a sucker punch to the gut. Maybe I didn't verbally fight or argue with my husband, but I definitely brought him misery. I treated my husband like dirt and believed the lie that I was justified in doing such. It is hard to admit when we are being quarrelsome women.
     These verses not archaic or even sexist. These verses speak truth into the marriage relationship. Wives are called to bring their husbands joy, not misery (and vice versa). It would break my heart if my husband ever felt that I was a quarrelsome wife.
       It is important to remember that a Christian marriage should not reflect the world, it should reflect Christ. Jesus was not quarrelsome and he most definitely did not bear any resentment towards the throngs of people who wronged him. When I take hold of the banner of Christ, I am claiming him as my identity and I am trusting in the Spirit to sanctify me daily to be more like my Jesus. In those moments when I want to give into my anger and resentment, I have to lean on the truth of Scripture and remember that I am called to more than that. I am called to love my husband well and to allow that love to cover his sins. I am called to be a source of joy for my husband. I don't have all of this down yet, but thankfully I have a lifetime with my man to get better at it.

I Would Have Been a Pharisee!

        When you read the Bible, especially the New Testament, it is pretty clear who the bad guys are, besides, you know, Satan. The bad guys are clearly the Pharisees and the religious leaders of the day. They are the ones who are threatened by Jesus, they are the ones who constantly doubt and question Jesus, and they are the ones who orchestrate his death on the cross (at least they think they orchestrate it).
        Christians today have the beautiful privilege of reading the magnificent story of the Bible, already knowing the outcome. We get to read the story in hindsight, seeing how everything pans out from beginning to end. We have the bird's eye view of seeing all the parts come together; we know the plan and we get to see it play out.
         I have heard people say that believing in Jesus must have been so much easier for the disciples because they got to touch him and see him in the flesh, they were able to talk to him face-to-face everyday for three years. Belief would have been so much easier back then.
          This year I have been, at times very slowly, studying the book of John. Our church has spent the better part of a year preaching through the gospel of John, and I decided that I would also study the book during my daily time alone with God. As I have been reading and journaling through this beautiful gospel book, I have been trying to imagine myself in the moment described. I am trying to not just look at it from my perspective, but also trying to put myself in the shoes of those present. Something that I have come to realize is that I would have been one of the Pharisees, one of the skeptics; I would have been a bad guy.
         You see, I know my personality. I am jaded and at times very skeptical of things. If someone were to tell me of a miracle today, my initial reaction would be skepticism and doubt. If I were standing in a synagogue listening to a carpenter's son claim to be not only the Son of God, but God himself, I would have thought he was looney toons. I would more than likely have been one of the good girls who knew the rules and tried my hardest to follow them and I would have looked down on Jesus because he didn't follow the rules. I would have believed with all my heart everything I had been taught by the religious leaders and I would not have been easily swayed.
         We don't like to think that we would have been one of the bad guys in the narrative of the life of Jesus. We like to believe that we would have been one of the chosen twelve, or at the very least one of his devoted followers. But look at the disciples, they did not fully understand or even fully believe that Jesus was in fact God. My husband and I were talking about this on our long ride home from NC yesterday and he told me that during the time of Jesus there were many "Messiahs". Many men had come along claiming to be the Messiah the prophets were talking about.
        In Acts 5, Peter and some of the other apostles had been put into prison for claiming the Jesus was the risen Son of God. Later that night an angel of the Lord appears, opens the doors of the prison and tells the apostles to go and stand in the temple and speak to the people. As you can imagine the high priests were not too happy about this situation. The apostles are brought before a council and the things they speak make the council so mad that many wanted to kill the apostles. But in verses 35-39 a Pharisee named Gamaliel, a man of great honor and respect, stands up and says:
   
       "Men of Israel, take care what you are about to do with these men. For before before these days Theudas rose up, claiming to be somebody, and a number of men, about four hundred, joined him. He was killed, and all who followed him were dispersed and came to nothing. After him Judas the Galilean rose up in the days of the census and drew away some of the people after him. He too perished, and all who followed him were scattered. So in the present case I tell you, keep away from these men and let them alone, for if this plan or this undertaking is of man, it will fail; but if it is of God, you will not be to overthrow them. You might even be found opposing God!"

        Gamaliel lists off two men who developed great followings prior to Jesus and you get the impression that there were many more. Had I been a Jew during this time, my skepticism would have said, "he's just another crazy guy claiming to be something he's not." I would not have believed in Jesus.
         Praise God for his grace in allowing me to be born now when I can look at the whole story and see the truth from an outside perspective. Belief and faith in Jesus is a hard thing, no matter when you live. We like to think it would have been easier to physically see Jesus, but that's not true. It was just as hard then as it is now to believe that Jesus is the Son of God. However, believe it I do. If it was easy, everyone would do it :).

          "Enter by the narrow gate. For the fate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few." Matthew 7:13-14

         It may not be easy to trust in Jesus, but trusting in him leads to the greatest reward!

I Am Not God!

    Sometimes I think I know better than God. There are times when I believe that I know exactly what should happen in a given situation, and I pray for exactly that outcome. When the answer to my prayers is "no" and things don't go according to my plan, I doubt God's sovereignty and his plan. In the times when the answer is "no" I begin to doubt if God actually hears my prayers and I doubt whether he actually is working towards the good of his people. I forget that I am only seeing a minuscule part of a massive and intricate picture. I forget that I am not the center of the universe.
      There is a person in my life whom I have been praying for fervently. I believe that I know exactly what this person needs (apart from a true relationship with Jesus) and I have been praying for my plan for this person to come to fruition. I have found Scripture to pray through for this person that I think justify my perspective. A couple of weeks ago a situation arose in this person's life and I truly believed that my plan was about to be enacted in this person's life. I actually thanked God for the situation because it meant that what I thought should happen would happen. Then God answered my prayers with a great big resounding, "NO".
      In the days that followed I questioned God. I just could not understand how he could tell me "no" when clearly my plan was the best thing for this person. As I talked to other people connected to the situation we all talked about how it was hard to see God' sovereignty. Because I could not see the bigger plan, I chose to believe that God had dropped the ball. My arrogance and sin kept me from seeing God's grace in the life of this person.
     How often do we chose to question God rather than trust him? How often do we chose anger over being told "no" rather than rejoicing in our God's sovereignty? How often do we believe the lie that we are God?
     The truth of the matter is that I am not God. It is not up to Lisa Tant to keep the universe moving. It is not up to Lisa Tant to bring about the ultimate plan of our great God. It is not up to you either! Our plans cannot compare to the big beautiful plan that God has had in place since the beginning of time. That is a truth that is really difficult to grasp, but it is a beautiful truth worth clinging to.
      God has had an ultimate, complete plan since BEFORE the beginning of time.

     Psalm 139:16 - "Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written every one of      them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."

    Isaiah 46:9b-10 - "for I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me,           declaring the end from the beginning and from ancient times things not yet done, saying, 'My         counsel shall stand, and I will accomplish my purpose,"

    Our God created the whole universe by simply speaking it into existence for the sole purpose of bringing glory to himself. God put into play, from the beginning, a beautiful salvation plan that calls his people to himself. Our God is at work and who are we to question his great plan?
     When I begin to question God's goodness and sovereignty in the plans of my life, I remind myself of the story of Job. Job was a good, righteous man who feared the Lord and Satan attacked him and caused him great suffering. We, the readers, are able to see the greater plan at play in this story, but Job was never given that privilege. He only knew his current suffering and yet he still trusted in the goodness of his God. I love the end of Job, chapter 38 to the end. The Lord speaks into Job's situation, not with a great revelation of the plan at play, but simply by saying, "who are you?" Basically God says to Job, "were you there when I created everything? Are you able to control time? Do you possess the ability to control any part of creation?" God does not reveal his plan to Job, but simply establishes that he has a plan.
       We need to remember that God is in control and we have done nothing to earn knowledge of that plan. We cannot comprehend the thoughts of God and we are foolish to think that we can come up with a plan that can outdo God.

     Job 42:2 - "I know that you can do all things, and that no plan of yours can be thwarted."

    Isaiah 55:8-9 - "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,                declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than            your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

   God is in control, and that is all we need to know.

Joy and Grace in the Daily Mundane Life

    Time for confession and repentance. I don't always like being a stay-at-home mom and the keeper of the home. I kind of despise the fact that I have to load the dishwasher EVERYDAY. It gets on my nerves that the day after I get all of the laundry folded and put away, there is another basket of clothes waiting to be washed. I get really angry at the fact that within 30 minutes of me cleaning up the living room it is messy again. I have stopped trying to organize the playroom, because within 5 minutes all the toys are thrown around the room. In those moments, I am not a pleasant person and it is hard for me to see the joy or God's grace in my life.
     Before I continue, let me be clear that I LOVE being a wife and mom and I am truly thankful for the opportunity to be able to be home with my kids. I am looking forward to the opportunity to begin homeschooling next year and being the one who is instructing my children. I would not trade my life, even on the bad days, for anything. This post is a confession that I allow the mundane and monotony of being a homemaker rob me of my joy and blind me to God's many graces.
     For example, last night as I was getting ready to go to bed I walked through the kitchen and realized that I had not loaded the dishwasher yet, so the sink was overflowing. I had known all afternoon that I needed to load the dishwasher, but I had just done it the day before and I kept putting it off. I was tired of the monotony and I procrastinated to the point that I had to stay up an extra 20 minutes to unload and reload the dishwasher. To put it nicely, my thoughts and actions in those 20 minutes were not glorifying. As I laid down to prepare for sleep all I could think about was how much I hate doing the dishes everyday. I allowed my disdain for the mundane to keep me from remembering all the good things that happened that day.
      Yesterday was actually a break from the monotony of my day-to-day life. I did not have to nanny yesterday, so I got an entire day with just my daughter. We were able to go to the zoo with a couple of friends and that was wonderful. I was reminded yesterday of how precious is the gift of friendship. My daughter and I were able to eat lunch with my husband at work and then we got to come home and nap together on the couch for 30 minutes. There were many moments of joy yesterday, but I could not recall any of them because I was wallowing in my sin of anger and resentment at having to do the same task yet again.
      This morning I decided to make a change. I am realizing that my attitude is trickling down to my children. My kids have a hard time identifying the good things that happen each day and I think that has to do with my lack of modeling it. I know that if I am going to change my heart to focus more on joy and God's grace, I am going to need the power of the Spirit working in my heart. To be able to speak truth into my heart, I must first know the truth, so I spent some time in the Word this morning searching for verses about joy. Here is a list of what I found.

      Ecclesiastes 9:7 - "Go, eat your bread with joy, and drink your wine with a merry heart, for God has already approved what you do."

     Romans 15:13 - "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."

    Isaiah 12:5-6 - "Sing praises to the Lord, for he has done gloriously; let this be made known in all the earth. Shout, and sing for joy, O inhabitant of Zion, for great in your midst is the Holy One of Israel."

    Psalm 16:9, 11 - "Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure...You make known to me the path of life; in your presences there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."

    1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 - "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

    Psalm 118:24 - "This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

    As I meditate on these words of truth I am convicted to be more intentional about identifying the moments of joy and evidences of God's graces in my day-to-day life. This morning I decided to make a change in the attitudes of my family. As the kids and I were driving to school, I told them that we were going to start taking time each night during our family devotion and prayer time to share a moment of joy and an evidence of God's grace from the day. I took time to talk to the kids about the importance of focusing on joy and God's grace so that we don't became angry and frustrated. I then gave them examples from the past couple of days of God's grace and moments of joy.
     To end this post I want to share a few moments of joy from just this morning:

• First thing this morning Sophia came into my bathroom and asked me if the baby I nanny for was still sick, when I told her no, she brushed her hand across her forehead and said, "shew". Precious
• In the car, Sophia said, "stupid is a bad word" (which in our family it is). Eli was about to tattle on her, when I asked her, "if it is a bad word, why did you say it?" Sophia paused for a few seconds and then with the cutest look on her face she said, "no, no, no, I didn't..." It was just so cute that I had to smile.
• Frozen is a current favorite thing in our house and we listen to the soundtrack EVERY TIME we get in the car and this morning my 3 year old was singing "Let It Go" at the top of her lungs-adorable
• My son offered to help his sister put her cup in the cup holder without being asked
• My son gave me the biggest kiss before walking into school and then looked back at me before going in the door
• I get to have lunch with my husband again today
• Tonight I get to spend time in community with some pretty awesome couples

     I have so much joy in my life and God's grace is so evident that it is time to stop allowing the mundane and monotonous rob me of experiencing the life God has blessed me with to the fullest.

Modeling the Gospel Is Not Easy

    Yesterday was the child dedication service at my church and our pastor preached from John 17 when Jesus is praying in the garden for all those who will come to believe. Our pastor shared some beautiful truths from the passage on how we are created for union with God, created for glory and for more than this life, and that we are created for love. He gave us many things to think about, but something that really hit home for me is the importance of modeling the gospel to those around me, and especially to my children.
     What does it look like to model the gospel? Our pastor encouraged us to look at all the "one another verses" in Scripture as a guide to modeling the gospel and union with God. Some examples are:

     Romans 12:10-"Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor."

     2 Corinthians 13:12-"Greet one another with a holy kiss."

     1 Thessalonians 4:18-"Therefore encourage one another with these words."

    John 15:12-"This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you."

   Galatians 6:2-"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."

    Ephesians 5:21-"Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ."

    1 Peter 4:9-"Show hospitality to one another without grumbling"

    Ephesians 4:32-"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."

    James 5:16-"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working."

    James 5:9-"Do not grumble against one another, brothers, so that you may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing at the door."

    2 Corinthians 13:11-"Finally, brothers, rejoice. Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you."

    Colossians  3:13-"bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive"

    I could go on and on, but I want you to keep reading, so I will stop there. As I look at these verses, I am able to extract the following ways to model the gospel:

• Love one another like family-be kind
• Greet others with an affection that reflects the love of God
• Encourage others instead of tearing them down
• Bear each other's burdens-get in the mess of life with people
• Submit to the authorities in your life
• Show hospitality
• Be quick to give forgiveness
• Confess your sins to those you have sinned against and seek forgiveness
• Pray for others
• Don't grumble about others
• Seek restoration and peace with the body of Christ

    I feel that I have a few of these things down-like hospitality and showing affection to others; but there are other areas where I fall seriously short-like confessing my sins, not grumbling, and not being quick to forgive. I was reminded yesterday, that my mission field is my children and that I need to model the gospel to them daily. Our pastor reminded us as parents that the most powerful thing we can bring to our children is our transformed and transforming presence. I need to be present with my children so that they can see how God's work in my life has transformed my heart and how God continues to transforming me into the person he wants me to be.
    I have been convicted that the model I am presenting to my children is not a model that brings honor and glory to God. When I complain about people in my life, I am modeling grumbling and disunity (I think I made up a word there, but I am going with it). When my children do something wrong and my response is, "I forgive you, but..." I am modeling that forgiveness has conditions. When I sin against my children and do not seek forgiveness from them, I am modeling that confession and forgiveness are not that important. When I yell at my kids because I am frustrated, I am not modeling the love Jesus has for me. When I don't take the time to greet my children, I am modeling that it is not important to show each other affection.
    Today I am thankful for God's grace that picks me up and gives me the courage and power to keep trying. It is not easy to model the gospel; the gospel is in contradiction to our human nature. Our sinful nature says to be selfish, while the gospel says to be self-sacrificing. My first instinct when I sin against my children is to just gloss over it because I want them to fear and respect me; the transforming power of the Spirit in my heart urges me to seek forgiveness and to model how we are all in need of a savior. It is a weighty burden to model the gospel to others, but the transforming work of the Spirit in our lives is the greatest witness that someone can see.  Today be challenged, encouraged, and empowered to model the gospel; it's hard, but worth it!

Transforming A Crappy Attitude

   Have you ever had one of those days where your attitude just sucked? One of those days when you woke up in crappy mood and everything seemed to go wrong? One of those days when you are snapping at everyone and people are afraid to be around you? One of those days when you not focused on things of the Spirit?
    Today has been one of those days for me. I have felt off kilter all morning and things just are not going the way I wanted them to go. I felt out of control and that has pushed me into "anger zone." This morning I was snapping at my kids, thinking really mean thoughts about the people around me, and having a nice little pity party because things were not working out the way I wanted. I felt justified in all of my feelings until I remembered that it is not up to me to keep the universe in motion.
     Sometimes I need to be reminded that I am not God and that if my plans fall through, oh well. I need to be reminded that God has not tasked me with being in control of everything, he has tasked me with being filled with the Spirit and bringing glory to his name. Days like today, I need to refocus my mind on things of the Spirit so that I can be pleasing to God.
      As I have shared in some of my previous posts, I am learning to seek God's Words when I am struggling and I am practicing praying through Scripture. I want to be the kind of person who prays by getting in God's face with God's word. I want to remember God's promises and cry out to him to fulfill those promises. Today I am going to share four pieces of Scripture, talk a little about how they spoke to me this morning and then share with you how I prayed through them.

     Romans 8:5-"For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit."

     How it spoke to me: This morning my mind was definitely set on things of the flesh-I was consumed by what I wanted and how I wanted it and getting angry when life did not follow my plan. I needed to be reminded that since I live according to the Spirit, that I need to set my mind on things of the Spirit. I also needed to be reminded that it takes a conscious effort to set my mind on the things of the Spirit.
    How I prayed through it: First I confessed to God that my mind was set on things of the flesh then I asked for God's help to set my mind on things of the Spirit.

    Romans 8:10-"But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness."
 
    How it spoke to me: Sometimes I forget that since I am in Christ and Christ is in me, that I also have the Spirit in me. I depend on myself for my righteousness and forget that my righteousness is through Christ alone and that the Spirit is my life-giving force. I forget that I do not possess the ability on my own to change anything-that it is all done through the Spirit in me.
    How I prayed through it: I asked God to remind me that the Spirit is already in me and that it's not up to my own power to change my attitude. Then I asked the Spirit to do that work in me and I asked for power to simply allow the Spirit to work in my soul.

   Ephesians 5:18-"Do not be drunk with wine for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit."

    How it spoke to me: I bet your thinking, as I did when I was first told to memorize this verse, that it is a strange and really weird verse. Why does Paul talk about being drunk and being filled with the Spirit in the same sentence? What do those two things have to do with each other? We were discussing the work of the Holy Spirit in Women's School a few weeks back and the teacher explained to us that this verse is meant to be viewed as an analogy. When you are drunk, people know it. Being drunk effects your speech, the way you walk, the way you interact with people, everything; people can tell when you are drunk. This is how it should be when we are filled with the Spirit. The Spirit should effect our speech, the way we walk, the way we interact with people, everything; people should be able to tell when you are filled with the Spirit. This applied to me today, because much like people can tell when I am drunk, people can also tell when I am filled with a spirit of anger and frustration.
    How I prayed through it: I cried out to God to fill me with the Spirit and to take away my spirit of anger and frustration. I confessed that my kids can see when I am angry and frustrated and that those feelings effect the way I treat my children. I asked God to help me to demonstrate to my children what it looks like to be filled with the Spirit.

   Ezekiel 36:26-27-"And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statues and be careful to obey my rules."

    How it spoke to me: Again I need to be reminded that God has already done the transforming work in me and that he has already replaced my heart of stone with a heart of flesh.
    How I prayed through it: I asked God to remind me that he has already put a new heart within me and that he has already filled me with the Spirit. I asked God to help me to be renewed by the fact that the work has already been done and to help me walk in that assurance.

    My challenge to you is to dig into God's word and find his truths that speak to whatever situation you find yourself. Memorize those words so that you can recall them in times of weakness. Pray through Scripture, calling out God to fulfill his promises and beg his help to remember his truths. God's word is powerful, take hold of it and grasp it tightly!

Captive to Fear

   I have found that when we start truly seeking after Christ, we are made painfully aware of our own heart issues and areas where we don't trust God. The Spirit has really been working on me to have a better view of my body and to trust that God is truly sovereign over me, but as Christ is growing me in these areas, I am becoming more aware of other heart issues, one of those being fear and anxiety.
    For most of my life I have been a worst-case scenario type person. I would envision all the horrible things that could happen and would play through in my head how I would react. Growing up I would envision my parents getting divorced or someone I love getting really sick or me getting sick. I would play out these worst-case scenarios is my head on a pretty regular basis. Unfortunately this practice has continued into my adulthood.
   When my kids get sick, I immediately imagine them being deathly ill and being rushed to the children's hospital to begin life-saving treatments. When I hear a noise in the night, I immediately fear that someone is breaking in to kidnap my children. When I have a fight with my husband, I immediately fear that he is going to leave me for someone less crazy. I take a simple problem and turn it into a huge crisis.
    This practice has led to me having irrational fears that sometimes effect the way I live my life. I have a constant fear that someone is going to take my children, so I avoid crowded places and when I am out with my kids it is a pretty stressful experience as I am constantly making sure they are still with me. I have a horrible fear that someone in my family is going to be seriously injured, so I freak out when they are the least bit adventurous and I avoid things like the walking bridge because I'm scared my kids will fall into the Ohio River. I have an irrational fear that my husband is going to cheat on me or leave me, even though I know that is ridiculous, and I sometimes become incredibly possessive and overly needy. So often, the logical part of my brain is fighting to gain control over my fears and assure me that all of this is irrational, but many times the "crazy" wins out and I find myself fighting a panic attack.
    Just this past weekend, my husband went out to celebrate a friend's birthday. The kids and I left a few minutes after he did to go run a few errands, and we started out on the same route he had taken. As I turned off our street onto the main road I saw several flashing lights and I knew that there must have been an accident. Immediately I began repeating to myself, "it's not Aaron, it's not Aaron", because I was terrified that I would drive up on this accident and see his car. As I got closer to the accident, a huge pit formed in my stomach and I was almost physically sick. My breathing was getting shallow and I could feel my heart beginning to race. Even though the logical part of my brain knew that it was not Aaron in that accident, the crazy part of my brain just knew that I was going to drive up and see my husband dying on the concrete. This is a real struggle for me and is something that happens quite often.
    I share my crazy with you, not to gain pity, but to show how tight a hold fear can have over our lives. Fear wakes me up in the middle of the night and won't stop pestering me until I get out of bed and go check on my children. Fear keeps me from fully trusting in my husband's love. Fear keeps me from experiencing life to the fullest. Fear has me prisoner and only Jesus can break me free of the chains.
    As I have shared in my last two blog posts, I am beginning to really seek out Scripture in my times of struggle so that I can meditate and lean on the words of God. I am also beginning to see the importance of actually praying through Scripture. Our pastor, Daniel Montgomery of Sojourn Community Church, said something during the sermon on Sunday that really hit home with me; "Prayer is getting in God's face with God's word." When I pray, I need to be calling out to God, asking him to fulfill his word in my life. I have to stop bypassing what God has to say about fear and anxiety and worry. I hope that some of the Scripture I have found this week will speak to your heart as well.

    John 16:33 "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart, I have overcome the world."
    What powerful words! Jesus spoke these words to his disciples on the night that he was to be betrayed and turned over to be crucified. He was letting his disciples know what was getting ready to happen and encouraging them to be strong and take heart. He was reminding them that the story would not be over with Jesus' death on the cross, but that there was much more to come. Jesus has overcome the world and death, I need not fear.


    1 Peter 5:7 "casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."
    This is something that I need to be reminded of daily-God cares for me, I am important to God, my fears matter to God. God wants me to hand over my fears and anxieties to him and allow him to comfort and care for me.

   Matthew 6:34 "And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his life?"
   I am not in control and there is not a single thing that I can do that will add time to the days God has already laid out for me. I need to be reminded that God is sovereign over the universe, and that Lisa has nothing to do with keeping the world in motion. My life is in the hands of God and that should give me great comfort, it is not up to me.

  Psalm 27:1 "The Lord is my light and salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?"
     Again, my life is in the hands of a great big and powerful God. God is my light, salvation and stronghold. With God in control, I have nothing to fear.

   Isaiah 43:1 "But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine."
   God called me by name, he redeemed me, and I am his! This is a truth that I need to cling to do every hour of every day. I think about how much I love my children and what I would do for them; how much more does God love me and how much more will he do to protect me?


    Psalm 127 "I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. The Lord will keep your going out and coming in from this time forth and forevermore."
   When I am overcome by irrational fear, I need to lift up my eyes to the hills. I need to be reminded that my help comes from the Lord-the one who created heaven and earth. I need to take comfort in the fact that my Lord does not sleep nor slumber and he will not let my foot be moved. The Lord is my protector and he is in control. I need not fear what is to come because all will be brought about to the glory of God.

   There are so many other verses that speak to fear and anxiety. God tells us multiple times throughout Scripture to not be afraid, to cast our anxieties on him, to trust in him to be our protector, helper, comforter. My struggle with fear is not new. People have been held captive by fear since the beginning of time, and since the beginning of time God has been calling for his people to rely on him to break the chains of fear. What verses do you turn to when fear is all consuming?

God is Not Sovereign Over Me

    Lately, I have been dealing with several heart issues. As I grow in my faith and get closer to the cross, the more I am realizing my sin and just how deceitful my heart can be. As I shared earlier this week, there are days when I hate my body. It seems as if God is really try to grow me in this particular area because I have been in several situations over the past week in which this topic has come up. Last night, I was in a setting where I was asked to share a heart issue with a small group and I chose to share my issues with my body. One person in the group posed a very insightful question; "do I believe God is sovereign over me?"
    Wow! Talk about really getting at the heart of an issue. As I sat there pondering this question, I realized just how much I doubt God's sovereignty over my life. I have no problem believing and trusting that God is sovereign over the universe, this actually brings me great comfort. However, when it comes to little ole me, I am not as confident in God's sovereignty. I believe this a two-fold problem. On the one hand, I don't really believe that I am important enough or of enough value for God to be bothered with me. I mean God is in control of the universe, there are much bigger issues to deal with than being sovereign over the life of one Lisa Tant. I don't always believe that I warrant that kind of attention.
      However, there is a part of me that doubts the sovereignty of a God who would make someone who looked like me. I fall into the terrible pattern, as many of us do, of comparing myself to other women. I look at the women around me who are always put together and skinny and attractive and then I look at myself and I despair. I think thoughts like, "if God really was sovereign, then what was he thinking when he made me. He obviously could have done a better job." These destructive thoughts keep me from trusting that God is sovereign over my life.
      My doubts with God's sovereignty are not limited to my feelings about my appearance. I have a great desire to be in control, especially in my home. I want things to go a certain way and there are times when I believe my plans are much better than anything God could come up with. There are times when we are experiencing financial struggles and I doubt whether God is really in control. When I have faced trials of sick loved ones or just trials of parenting, I don't trust that God has a plan or that he is good or that he even cares.
     In the past, when it comes to heart issues I responded in one of two ways. Usually I would just bottle up my emotions and pretend like they did not exist. But sometimes, the emotions would come out and I would end up sharing my struggles with someone. During these times I would look to man to make me feel better and build me up or I would rely on my own miniscule knowledge of God to reassure myself. The one thing I have never really done, is go to God's word for comfort. I have never been one to memorize or meditate on Scripture. I just assumed that I had a good grasp on who God is and what others had told me the Bible says and that was enough. How wrong I was.
      I am beginning to realize that I am barely scratching the surface when it comes to knowledge of God and if I am to truly trust God, then I have to know what God says. Thus the shift that I am trying to make through the power of the Holy Spirit. During my time alone with God, I am spending some days pouring out my heart to my heavenly Father in prayer and then I am searching Scripture for God's words that speak to my current heart issue. I am going to God, not man, to reassure me of my worth and value. As I was searching out Scripture for passages on God's sovereignty over my life, I came across some helpful Scripture that I would like to share.

      Psalm 37:23-24 "The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand."
      Every step I take has been established by God, there is nothing I do that is a surprise to him. God is holding my hand as I walk along to keep me from falling on my face. When I am seeking after God, then I am also holding his hand.

     Psalm 135:6 "Whatever the Lord pleases, he does, in heaven and on earth, in the seas and all deeps."
     The Lord does whatever he pleases, and that includes making me. When God made me, he was pleased with what he had made. God was not disgusted or disappointed, he was pleased.

     Matthew 6:25-34, but focusing on verse 26 "Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?"
    This is a word that I need to hear regularly. Man is the only part of creation that was created in the image of God-man is special; I am special. God takes great care of all his creation, so why should I doubt that he would take great care of me, the part of creation that he specially created in his image?

    Finally Psalm 139 (all of it); but focusing on verses 1-2, 4, 7, and 15-16
   "O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar...Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether...Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?...My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."
    God knows me, even better than I know me. He is aware of every moment of every day of my life. Before I can even think a thought, God knows it and holds it together. There is nowhere I can go where God is not also. I was not a secret or created apart from God's intricate design. He knew me before I was formed. He knew how many days I would be given before I was ever conceived. God is sovereign over every aspect of me life.

   I share this today not to present myself as someone who has it all figured out. That is far from accurate. I struggle, every day with trusting God's sovereignty. I share this to hopefully encourage someone else who might also be struggling with trusting that God is sovereign over his or her life. I share this to let you know that you are not alone. Our struggles can be very isolating and we often feel very alone in our despair. I am telling you that you are not alone. There are many of us who are experiencing the same struggle. Finally, I am sharing this to be held accountable. I need to be reminded on my days of doubt and despair to run to Scripture. I need to be asked daily if I have meditated on the words of my heavenly Father. I need to be prompted every day to seek my comfort from God, not man. I have to remember that God is not done with me yet.
    Philippians 1:6 "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."

How Being a Jerk Taught Me About the Love of God

      Last week I had one of those epic, monumental, big-time mommy fail moments. I was trying to get my two kids ready to go have lunch with their daddy at work. It was the typical stress of trying to get a 5 year old and 3 year old to do anything faster than the pace of a snail. I asked my son, the 5 year old, to please get dressed and brush his teeth. He proceeded to cry and cry and cry. He cried and wailed for at least 15 minutes, and around minute 5 I lost it. I yelled at  him, I spoke to him in a less than loving way, I showed my frustration in my body language, tone, etc. Of course, my reaction only made things worse.
    Finally we get in the car and about 5 minutes into the 20 minute drive, my son finally stopped crying. When we got to Daddy's Work I realized that my son was actually sleeping, which never happens. As I was getting him out of the car I did apologize to him and told him that the way I acted was in no way okay and that no matter what he does, mommy should never treat him that way. I asked my son to forgive me and with a hug he did. I told him I loved him very much and he replied in kind. We then went in to have lunch with Daddy.
    As we were sitting at lunch, my son refused all food, choosing only to drink. Then my husband and I noticed that our son looked a little pale. Then my son fell asleep in the car again on the way home. This was my final indication that something was not right. When we got home, I laid my son down on the couch and took his temperature and discovered that he was running a fever. We later found out that he had a virus and an ear infection; he was really sick.
    Earlier my son was feeling ill and he couldn't find the words to tell me that, so he cried. He cried and I yelled. I was not paying attention to what my son was really trying to tell me. I was interpreting what I wanted and I responded in kind. My son was not trying to be difficult, he was trying to communicate, "hey mom, I'm sick."
   I felt like the worst mom in the whole world all day. How could I be so oblivious to not see what was really going on? How could I be so horrible to my sweet baby? Why do I so often over react to situations? Why I am still allowing sin to take control of my life?
    As I have thought back on that whole situation this last week, I am able to see a reflection of the gospel. So often I treat God like I treated my son. I don't like how God is handling a situation and instead of listening to what God is trying to communicate, I get mad and yell and scream and treat God like dirt. I give God the silent treatment and a ton of attitude because he is not doing things the way I think they should be done. I don't want to hear what God has to say. Sometimes, a lot of times, I treat God likes he is an annoying
kid instead of the creator of the universe. Sometimes I act like a complete and total jerk to God.
    But thankfully God does not mirror my emotions and responses back to me, he instead shows me everlasting love and forgiveness, much like my son. Later that evening as my son's fever was going higher and higher, all he wanted was to cuddle with me. My son no longer cared about how awful I was to him that morning. He had forgiven me and was not holding my earlier behavior against me. All he cared about was that I was his mommy and that I love him. My son showed me true grace and love and forgiveness, and he didn't even have to try, it came naturally to him.
    I know that part of this is because my son knows just how much I love him, and I do love him very much. But more than that, my son is beginning to understand the love of God, which gives him the capacity to love others in return. God created us to be loving people in relationship with others. God created relationships to show us examples of the kind of intimacy he wants with us, his children. My heavenly Father is quick to forgive me when I seek forgiveness, not because I deserve it, but because he loves me and I am precious to him. I am eternally thankful that God shows me grace when I am a jerk.
    I am thankful that I have such loving, wonderful children who are quick to forgive. I am thankful that my heavenly Father continues to sanctify me through my experiences. I am thankful to be in a personal relationship with God and that I am able to experience his grace, love, and forgiveness every day. I am thankful that God does not leave me in my sin, but convicts me and gives me power through the Holy Spirit to repent of those sins. I am thankful to have another day to try and be more like Christ.

Start the New Year with No More Shame!

    It is that time of year when everyone makes their New Year's Resolutions. This year I am going to run everyday. This year I am going to lose 50 pounds. This year I am going to eat healthier. This year I am going to be more organized. The list goes on and on. Most people keep their resolve for about 2 weeks and by February they have completely given up. I have a resolution suggestion that requires very little work on your part: live a life of no more shame.
    Shame is a topic that I know all too well. If you have read any of my previous blog posts, you know a little of my story. I was raised with the mindset of always being good. I remember being told by my parents and grandparents to behave because I represented our family every time I walked out the door. At church, the story was not much different. I grew up going to church every time the doors were opened and much of the teachings revolved around morality; following God's rules and not sinning because sinners go to hell. Unfortunately, I never grasped the concept that it is only by the power of Jesus that I can do anything. I believed that it was up to me to follow the rules and "be good."
     I was carrying a very heavy burden, that I was never meant to bear. I tried really hard to do the right thing and I failed miserably, a lot. Every time I broke one of the rules I would feel horrible and the guilt would set in. Guilt has a lovely way of taking up residence deep in your gut and before long it invites its old buddy shame to move right in. As I got older my sins got, bigger you might say. I was doing things that I knew were wrong and I was living a life that was a total contradiction from the way I was raised. I always felt bad about what I was doing, but I did not possess the will power to say no. And my shame kept me in this spiral of sin and guilt.
      Every time I would resolve to give up a specific sin, my shame would start replaying this movie reel of every time I had failed in the past. It was horrible and my resolve would just fall to pieces. It wasn't long into high school that I just gave up trying at all. My shame had become a permanent resident in my soul and I wasn't good enough to do anything about it.
      Shame makes you feel completely worthless. You are not good enough to accomplish anything and if you try you are just going to fail again. My shame led me to seek worth and value in guys. I always had to have a boyfriend. In my entire middle school and high school career I don't think I went more than a week without a boyfriend. My worth was dependent on having a guy like me. I would change my identity to match whatever I thought would get me the most attention. When I had a boyfriend I would lose all sense of self and suddenly I liked whatever he liked and I did whatever he wanted me to do. My shame kept me in these unhealthy relationships because I believed I wasn't worth any better.
     My senior year in high school my grandfather died after a long battle with cancer. This was the first time I had ever lost a grandparent and I was devastated. My life was turned completely upside down and I began to see just how out of control everything was. I became very angry and bitter at God and at most of the world. I was lashing out and just hoping that someone would notice and rescue me.
    Then I went to summer camp, just like every other summer since I was 12, but this time something was different. I was very open with my anger and my doubts and my feelings of shame and worthlessness. On one of the final nights of camp I found my group leader and I told her how God could never forgive someone like me. She prayed with me and showed me that God loved me so much he sent Jesus to die for me and nothing I could ever do would keep him from loving me. I tell people that I met God face-to-face that night. I threw everything I had at God and I beat his chest with fists, and when I was completely spent I fell into the arms of my heavenly Father. God did not push me away in disgust, instead he wrapped his arms around me and called me his beloved child.
    In that moment the shame that had been living in my gut for so long was given its eviction notice. Now my shame put up a fight, but for the first time I did not have to fight it, I simply leaned on Jesus and let him battle for me. It took some time but finally the shame was gone and I began to see myself in a new light. Jesus became my identity and my worth was found solely in him.
    I don't want you to think that I trusted in Jesus and I have never struggled with shame ever again, because that is just not the case. I have to daily trust in Jesus to be my identity and trust that his death on the cross is enough to cover all my sins. When I fail by screaming at my kids or giving my husband the silent treatment for a petty infraction or I lose my temper, I remember that I live by grace and this gives me the confidence to ask forgiveness and try again.
     You might be asking yourself, why are you telling me all this? My hope and prayer is that my story will give you hope. Maybe you are living with shame that has immobilized you and you believe that you are worthless. Maybe you, like me, are seeking to define yourself by people or things. Maybe you have lost all hope and are just wishing someone will come rescue you. That someone is Jesus.
      Jesus left his home in heaven to come to this earth to live a perfect life that we could never live. Jesus then died on the cross, a death he did not deserve, all so he could be the ultimate sacrifice to forgive all of our sins. He then rose three days later to defeat death once and for all, so that if you believe in him you can go through life confidently with no fear of death. Jesus is enough, his grace and forgiveness are sufficient. No matter what your past holds, Jesus' death pays the full price. You do not have to do it alone, you do not have to carry the burden of failure and shame. Jesus' grace can free you from the cycle you are in and give you the confidence and strength to keep trying. Call on the name of Jesus to save you from your mess and believe in his power to set you free.
       You have already been chosen by Jesus and he has done all the work, you simply have to accept his gift and walk in new life with him.

Making the Difficult Choice of Reconciliation

    Reconciliation is a difficult thing. In our culture, we don't really like to reconcile with others, especially when they have wronged us. Culture tells us to write those people off and just move on with life. But Christ calls us to something different, and that call is a tough one to heed.
     Christ shows us in the way he lived his life that we are to love our enemies and to make things right with our brothers. We are called to forgive 70 times 7 times, even when we don't want to. Jesus, while dying on the cross, called out, "Father, forgive them." Showing someone the love of Jesus requires that we be involved in their lives and that sometimes means reconciling with someone who has hurt us in the past.
     Aaron and I each have a family member whom we have been called to reconcile with. I am not going to go into the details about these situations or even name these family members because this is not the place to do so. Just suffice it to say that each of these people has hurt us, they have disappointed us and let us down, and they have done these things multiple times. However, these are people whom Aaron and I do love a great deal and whom we desire to have a relationship, in spite of past wrongs.
      Aaron and I strive to make time for these people during visits, we reach out to them, and we include them in our lives. Other people do not always understand why we continue to seek relationships with these people and even other members of our family question us when we make time for these people, but we keep seeking them out. We feel that we are called by God to have relationships with these people to live out the gospel for them. Aaron and I love these people too much to see them go to hell. So we keep pursuing them and showing them the love of Jesus in the hopes that one day they will see their need for Jesus and will call out to him for salvation.
      I truly believe that Christians are called to reconcile with others, because through reconciliation we are living out the gospel. We once were sinners separated from God until Jesus came to reconcile us to him. So to live out the gospel, we sometimes have to do the hard thing and reconcile with someone who has treated us poorly. I encourage you, my brothers and sisters in Christ to think long and hard about the people in your life and ask God to reveal who he would have you reconcile with. Reconciliation is hard and I am including some of the things that Aaron and I do to pursue reconciliation.

1. Make time for that person.
      Aaron and I make periodic trips back home and we always try to carve out time for these two people during these trips. This means that we take time away from other members of our family, but we feel this is a sacrifice that we need to make. We try to carve out a few hours for these people during each trip to just hang out and visit. We do not shove Jesus down their throats, we just spend time together, catching up on life. By making time for these people we are showing them that they are important and that they matter.

2. Include that person in your life.
      Facebook is great medium for reconciliation. Message that person periodically to let them now what is going on. Tag them in your pictures. Send them Christmas cards, invitations, etc. When you have news that you want to share with your family, make sure these people are included. This shows your desire to have them in your life.

3. Show them grace, without being naive.
      This is a really tough line to walk. As followers of Christ we are called to show others the same grace we are shown by Jesus, but that does not mean that we should let these people take advantage of us or walk all over us. Aaron and I are very cautious with these people while still showing them love and grace. We are not naive about the events of the past and we walk into each encounter with our eyes open. However, we understand that we do not deserve all the grace that Christ has shown us and yet he does it anyway, in spite of all the ways we have hurt him. So we strive to show that same grace to these people.

4. Live out the gospel.
      The greatest witness we can give to someone who is not ready to accept the gospel is to simply live out the gospel. This does not mean shoving Jesus down their throats or turning every conversation spiritual, it means just living life with Jesus at your center. I pray that Aaron and I are living our lives in a way that Jesus just shines through and that others see Jesus in us, even if they don't realize it's Jesus they are seeing. This also means admitting you screw up and asking for forgiveness. We are not perfect, but we do live by grace. Also be quick to forgive. Sometimes we are stingy with forgiveness, especially when a person has messed up multiple times, but God is not stingy with his forgiveness towards us, so we need to be more like him. These people are not Christians and it is foolish of us to expect them to act like Christians. We should not be surprised when they act like unbelievers and we should be among the first to step up with forgiveness and grace.

5. Have the tough conversations.
     This one probably seems like a contradiction to the previous points, but it really isn't. Grace and forgiveness does not mean ignoring sin. We are called to loving confront sin and call people to repentance. Sometimes this means having difficult and uncomfortable conversations and it may sometimes mean making someone mad. However, having the tough conversations show just how much you love someone. You don't risk being uncomfortable with someone you care nothing about. When people look back on their lives they see that it was the people who got into the dirt with them and fought to pull them out that truly loved them. When the tough conversations come up, be tactful and loving and gracious, but don't shy away from them. Show that person that you love and care about them by not leaving them in their sin.

   Is this all there is to reconciling? Absolutely not. If you follow these steps will you immediately be reconciled? Probably not. Our relationships with these particular people are still strained and at times awkward and neither person has called on Jesus to save them, but we keep fighting for them. I pray that one day I will be able to do a post declaring that each person has become a believer and that our relationships are repaired, but until then we will keep pursuing and loving them.

How God Grew Me Out of a Sucky Prayer Life

   I have always struggled with prayer. I could say really good sounding prayers out loud that were full of pretty words and emotion, but I struggled with actually believing my prayers. I had the false impression that when I did not get what I prayed for that God just didn't hear or answer me. I believed I had many unanswered prayers.
   As I got older, I began to realize that God always answers our prayers, he just sometimes says "no" or "wait." Unfortunately, this did not have a good impact on my prayer life. I actually began to "censor" my prayers, praying only for the things I knew I would get, when I prayed at all. I was also the person who would cry out to God when things were really tough, and then blame myself and my lack of faith when I didn't get my way. God was not going to answer the prayers of someone who barely spoke to him.
     Another problem I had with prayer, was I feared what God would ask of me. I would not pray for things like patience or discipline, because that would require some change on my part, and I was comfortable where I was. There were also parts of my life, sin issues, that I was not willing to give up, so I just avoided those topics all together. I knew that God knew all my secret sins, but I was in denial about any need for me to actual confess and turn from those sins.
    My struggles with prayer were private struggles that I liked to keep in the dark. People could not know that I struggled with prayer because then they may begin to look deeper into my life to try and root out all those hidden issues. I did not want to be vulnerable, with God or anyone else.
   Over the past few months God has been growing me in real, and at times painful, ways. I am spending time with God in his Word more consistently, I am seeing everything through the lens of Christ, and I am allowing Christ to permeate every aspect of my life. I think the most dramatic change however, has been in my prayer life. About 3 months ago, I began keeping a prayer journal that I have actually almost filled up. I am making it point to write in my prayer journal anytime I sit down to spend time in God's Word. I still struggle with doubt at times, but I trust in Jesus so much more than I did before.
    Through Women's School, I am disciplining a young woman. This past week when we met, we actually talked about prayer and ways to be more disciplined in our prayer life. I shared with her some of the strategies I have developed over the past few months and I realize that what works for me might help someone else. So here are the things that I am doing to not have such a sucky prayer life.

1. Find what works for you.
   Do you need to pray out loud? Cool, find a place where you can sit alone with God and have a conversation. Do you need reminders throughout the day? Ok, set alarms on your phone or put little dots everywhere as your call to pray. Do you need to write down your prayers? Fabulous, you are like me, go buy a journal and start writing. I am an easily distracted person and if I don't have something right in front of me, I tend to get off track and before long I am thinking about why do bunnies have long ears and eat carrots. Through years of studying, I know that I work best if I am writing things down, so experience will dictate that I need to be writing my prayers if I want to give my best to God. Some people write out their actual conversation with God, and that is cool. For me, I like bullet points. I just jot down all that I want to give to God that day. I like bullet points because it is easy for me to pick out specific prayers when I look back through my journal. So my point? Think about your personality and  how you are the most effective and use that knowledge to find what works for you. God made you specifically how you are and he is cool with however you come to him, he just wants to have a conversation with you.

2. Find specific times when God has answered your prayers.
     As I stated earlier, I really struggled with believing that God heard and answered my prayers. When I started my prayer journal, I made it a point to look back through my journal every couple of days and point out answered prayers. I needed the gratification and reassurance that God was listening and that God cared about my prayers. As my trust and faith has grown, I do not need to look back as often, but it is still good for me to recount the prayers God has faithfully answered. I will need that reassurance when the trials come or when I am worried about the future. Looking back at God's past faithfulness gives us confidence that God will be faithful in the future.

3. Be thankful even when you don't get the answer you want.
     Another tough one for me. I like to have things a certain way and I believed for a long time that if I didn't get what I wanted that God just didn't answer my prayers. I needed to change my way of thinking and discipline myself to accept whatever answer God gave me. So, I make a point when I am looking back over my prayers to look for all the answers God has given me, not just the ones I like. It is hard to be told no or to be told to wait, but for me, knowing that God is always answering my prayers helps me to keep praying. I need to be reminded that God is my Father and as all good fathers, he is not always going to give me everything I want. I need to acknowledge all of God's answers and thank Him for his goodness and remind myself that he knows what is best for me.

4. Don't give up.
     Shame and guilt are nasty little buggers. They creep in when we are at our most vulnerable and they tell us that we are worthless losers who should not even get out of bed in the morning. Growth and change take time, discipline and mistakes. We are not going to go from having a sucky prayer life to having a phenomenal prayer life overnight, or even over months. It takes time. I think back to all the prayer journals I started over the years, that I just stopped after a couple of weeks. I would write faithfully in them for a couple of days and then sporadically for a few more days and then I would just stop, never to pick up that journal again. I believed the lie that I had to get it all right, right away. But it is just that, a lie! You are not perfect and you are being daily sanctified by Jesus, so let him work in your life. Keep going back to God in prayer, even if you missed a couple of days. Something that I have to be reminded of is that I live by grace, and when I fail God's grace covers me and gives me the courage and strength to keep trying. Don't beat yourself up if you don't pray everyday at first, just thank God for his grace and start again.

5. Be Honest.
     This has probably been the hardest thing for me to do in my prayer life. I don't like change, it is hard and uncomfortable and it hurts. But as I grow closer to the Lord, I am made more aware of my sin and my utter and complete dependence on Jesus. Growing in Christ means you can no longer ignore all those secret sins that you have hidden away. Jesus is the light and light always illuminates the darkness, revealing what was not seen before. Lately, I have been writing down the ugly, dirty prayers; the prayers that I really would not want anyone else to see, and you know what, it is not easy. Sin is a tough thing to face, but it is something that we all have and God already knows what those sins are. To have real conversation with God, you have to be real, and that means sometimes talking about the dirty stuff.
     Being honest, is not just about sin though. Sometimes, we don't like what God is doing, and you know what, you can tell him that. God can handle whatever we throw at him, even when we want to tell God that whatever he is doing really sucks at the moment. Dr. Greg Allison said during Women's School that prayer is simply stepping into a family conversation. God is your Father and he wants you to tell him how you are really feeling. You don't have to sugarcoat things with God, he already knows, so tell him. Be honest with God!

   Are any of these strategies new? Probably not, in fact you may have already heard them somewhere else, but maybe they are still what you needed to hear today. Hopefully, seeing how God is growing me through my personal struggles will help you to begin your own prayer journey. Our God is good and faithful and gracious-he wants to have real conversations with you, so just start talking.

How We Make Our Marriage Work

    Aaron and I have been married for 7 and a half years and it has not always been easy. A couple of years ago we hit a really rough patch and things got really difficult. We never came close to divorce, but there were many times when I was ready to pack up and go home to my momma; and it didn't really matter if Aaron came with me or not.
     Thankfully, Aaron and I had some wonderfull Christian friends who spoke truth into our lives and helped us get on the road to repairing our marriage. After almost  2 years, Aaron and I are finally in a really good place. We are more in love than we have ever been and we simply happier in our marriage.
      This journey has been a difficult, and at times painfu one, especially for me. I had a lot to learn about what a healthy, Godly marriage looks like and I also had a lot of growing to do. Don't get me wrong, Aaron had changes to make  as well, but this blog is about me.
      I want to share some of the things that I learned over the past 2 years about what makes our marriage work. I want to preface these lessons with, our marriage works first and foremost because Jesus Christ is at the center. Our marriage began to improve when our individual walks with the Lord became stronger. Without Christ working in our lives, our marriage simply would not work.

1. Your spouse should not be your everything.
     This one was a hard lesson for me to learn. I grew up watching the fairy tales and the romantic movies and listening to all the love songs. I wanted a love like in the movies-full of passion and romance, so in love with someone that I would not be able live without him. This looks good in the movies, but in reality it is an unbearable burden for someone to carry. At first, this way of thinking is flattering and in theory it sounds good. Being someone's "everything" is good for the ego, but it also means that the other person's every emotion and sense of worth is dependant upon you. That is a lot to be responsible for. I was guilty for years of making Aaron my everything and I have come to learn how unfair that was to him. Aaron should not have to shoulder the responsibility being my world. Once I found my identity solely in Jesus and I removed that burden from Aaron, our marriage began to improve.

2. Do not be a mirror of each other's emotions.
      Another thing that I am guilty of. When Aaron was having a bad day and he snaps, I would find myself snapping back at him, thus beginning a cycle of anger, bitterness, and meanness.  This is also a lesson that I am just becoming aware and I am still learning. When Aaron is having a bad day, I should show him grace and love and try to remove extra stress and chaos. It is hard to be gracious and loving when someone is snapping at you, but it is worth it. Remember you can either add to the chaos or you can help to relieve it.

3. Do not criticize your spouse in front of friends and/or family.
     This lesson is one I heard long before I ever got married, but did not realize just how guilty I was of it until Aaron and I had been married a few years. The danger of this mistake is that everyone takes on a mob mentality and gangs up on the complained upon making everything exponentially worse. There are two things I do that help me avoid this mistake. First, I try really hard to not complain about Aaron around our family. I just keep my mouth shut when I am annoyed. Second, I am quick to defend Aaron when others complain about him. Defending my husband keeps me from ganging up on him.

4. Be quick to apologize.
   Another tip that I was given prior to getting married that I never realized the importance of until I had been married for a few years. I like to be right and I hate to apologize when I feel like I have been wronged. But in almost every argument, both parties share some of the blame and both people need to apologize. Lately, I have been quick to apologize after arguments for the things I am at fault for and this has made such a difference in my relationship with Aaron. I try not to wallow in how I have been wronged, but instead seek ways to reconcile quickly.

5. Recognize when your spouse expresses his love language.
    As with most couples, Aaron and I have different love languages. Aaron speaks through acts of service and I speak through gifts and words of affirmation. For a long time, I would get upset because my husband would not bring me flowers for no reason and he did not affirm me like I wanted to be affirmed. Then I started thinking about all the things that Aaron does do for me.  He will do the laundry, unload the dishwasher, change the oil in my car, treat my windows before I leave on a trip, etc. Aaron serves me in so many ways and that is how he shows me his love. Now, I am not saying that we should not try to speak in our spouse's love language as well. I work hard to keep the house clean because that matters to Aaron, and he tries to bring me flowers or a candy bar every couple of weeks because that matters to me. However, when those times come around that Aaron does not speak my love language, instead of getting bitter that I am not getting what I want, I choose to look for ways that Aaron has spoken his love language. This simple choice has made a huge difference in my attitude towards my husband.

  This list is not all inclusive and it is not a one size fits all list. Aaron and I do not have a perfect marriage and we are by no means experts. What lessons have you learned in your marriage?

God is Still Good

     I love Christmas. It is a special time of year that brings back such precious memories for me. Christmas was always a big deal in my family. My sister and I would wake up early, usually before sunrise (and this continued into our later teens) just to see what presents we received. Then we would go to my GrannyJo's for breakfast with my mom's humongous family. My favorite sight at GrannyJo's house, aside from the tree that had so many presents underneath they would spill out so far you were stepping over gifts, was the mantle.

                                               (thanks to my cousin Micki Taylor for this picture)

      GrannyJo had 8 children, over 30 grandchildren, and I can't even tell you how many great-grandchildren. Every one who was at GrannyJo's house Christmas morning had a stocking hung on the mantle; you even had stocking if you had to be far away that Christmas. The first thing I did every Christmas morning upon entering GrannyJo's house was locate and empty my stocking to see what was inside. I look at this picture (above) and  I am filled with pure joy and excitement.
       However, the last couple of Christmases have also been very difficult. You see in July of 2011, GrannyJo was walking down the hallway of her home to wake up one of my cousins when she tripped and fell. She was taken to the hospital and never came home. That was the day the we lost the glue to our extended family.
      In the days that followed GrannyJo's death, I questioned God and I was angry. I could not understand why someone so wonderful and loving had to die. I was being selfish and I wanted my GrannyJo with me.
      Then I was reminded that GrannyJo is not missing me. I know that sounds harsh and is not all that comforting, but to me, it brings perspective. GrannyJo loved Jesus and trusted him as her Lord and Savior, and I have no doubt in my mind that she is Heaven. GrannyJo is basking in the glory of her heavenly Father; she is sitting at the feet of Jesus, and she thinks of nothing but worshiping God. GrannyJo is not bitter about being taken from this life; she is not angry that she is missing another Christmas; her heart is not broken about not seeing her family. She feels only the "good" emotions: love, joy, awe, peace, etc.
     When I am reminded about all that GrannyJo is experiencing, I am reminded that God is still good. God promises us eternal life if we believe in his son Jesus. God does not leave us to simply die, he carries us on to eternal life with him. Death is hard and it hurts to have someone you love taken away, but for those in Christ, death is not the end. God loves us so much that he sent us his son Jesus to take our punishment for sin, to provide a way to experience eternal life with him. God is still good!!

    God did not steal GrannyJo away from us and he was not punishing us for some wrong we have done. Life on this earth is not eternal, it has an end. We are all going to die because there is sin in this world, and sin always brings death. God does not seek out opportunities to bring us pain and he does not enjoy seeing us hurting. When Lazarus, a friend whom Jesus loved, dies in John 11, Jesus weeps with those mourning Lazarus' death. When we hurt, God hurts with us. God's goodness does not change because of hard circumstances.
     So why I am writing this blog? Why I am talking about God's goodness in the face of death? I am doing it partly to remind myself that God is good. I have moments when my grief punches me in the gut and I don't know how I will take my next step. I need to remember that God is good and trustworthy and that he loves me. I am also writing this for my family. So many members of my family are hurting, they miss their mother, their grandmother, their friend. I hope to bring some comfort. I hope to urge them to lean on Jesus. Ultimately, I want every member of my family to trust in God's goodness and love.
    I am going to end by including the lyrics to a song by Jars of Clay, All My Tears. We sing this song at my church often and I can't make it through the song without crying. Every time we sing this song, I think of GrannyJo, who is in her Father's arms.

                          "All My Tears"

When I go, don't cry for me
In my Father's arms I'll be
The wounds this world left on my soul
Will all be healed and I'll be whole.
Sun and moon will be replaced
With the light of Jesus' face
And I will not be ashamed
For my Savior knows my name.

It don't matter where you bury me,
I'll be home and I'll be free.
It don't matter where I lay,
All my tears be washed away.

Gold and silver blind the eye
Temporary riches lie
Come and eat from heaven's store,
Come and drink, and thirst no more

It don't matter where you bury me
I'll be home and I'll be free
It don't matter where I lay
All my tears be washed away

So, weep not for me my friends,
When my time below does end
For my life belongs to Him
Who will raise the dead again.

It don't matter where you bury me,
I'll be home and I'll be free.
It don't matter where I lay,
All my tears be washed away.