Raising kids is hard work. One of the hardest things about raising children is dealing with discipline, especially as a Christian parent. When should we give our kids justice and when should we extend grace? This past weekend my husband and I were faced with just this dilemma.
On Saturday, my baby daddy and I decided to treat the kiddos and take them to see Frozen in the theater. We hardly ever take the kids to the movies and we wanted to do something special since our normal plans had been cancelled. I went outside where the kids were playing in the backyard and told them we were going to the movies, which of course thrilled them. On a side note, we have a rule with the kids that they are allowed to go outside without an adult as long as they stay in our backyard (which is fully fenced in).
Later on, I went outside to let the kids know it was time to go and to my dismay I could not see my kids in the backyard. In a panic I looked around the corner of our house and my heart dropped. My three year old daughter had gotten out of our yard and was digging in the dirt in front of our neighbor's house dangerously close to the road. As I began screaming at my daughter to come back to the house I see my son run around from the front yard of our neighbor's house. I was livid and in that moment I was ready to cancel our movie plans all together.
I brought the kids inside and explained why we have the outside rule that we do and just how dangerous it is to break that rule. A car could have hit Sophia or someone could have taken one of them before we even knew what was happening. I was justifiably very angry and my initial reaction was to punish my kids.
After talking with the kids about why what they did was wrong, I walked out of the room to talk with my husband about whether or not we were going to go to the movies. We talked for a few minutes and decided that we would still take the kids to the movie, but we were going to be clear about why.
I walked back into the living room and asked my son, who is the oldest would understand this lesson better, if he deserved to go to the movies. He shook his head no. I then asked him why didn't he deserve to go the movies. After a moment of thought, he responded, "because I broke the rule." Of course this was the answer I wanted from him. I wanted my son to understand that he had disobeyed and broken a rule and because of this disobedience he deserved to NOT go to the movies.
Then I told my son, that even though he and his sister had broken the rule and did not deserve to go to the movies we were going to extend grace and take them anyway. I was very clear that we were not extending them grace because we approved of what they had done, but simply because we loved them (and honestly because the hubby and I wanted to see the movie).
Later that night during our family devotions we were reading the story of Jesus and the two thieves on the cross. When we finished the story we talked about how the one thief on the cross was shown grace when Jesus told him he would be in Paradise. I asked Eli, my son, when he was shown grace that day. Eli thought for a moment and said, "when we went to the movies." I asked him if our grace meant what he had done was okay. Eli said no. We talked about how grace is not a free pass to keep doing wrong things. His dad and I still expect him and his sister to obey the rules. Grace is a gift and grace gives us the freedom to keep trying and defeat sin.
This is a lesson we all need. Grace has been extended to us from our heavenly Father. All of us are sinners who deserve punishment. None of us is good enough or holy enough to be considered righteous before God. On our best days and on our worst days we are abominations to God because of our sin. It is only because of God's grace that we are saved. We do not deserve salvation through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Jesus was perfect and he knew no sin, and yet he took on our sin and died our death on the cross so that we could be presented as righteous before God. This was God's plan from the very beginning, not because we deserve it but because God is gracious and loving. God loves us so much that he extended grace to us and made a way for us to be with him forever.
As a parent it is important to set boundaries and guidelines for our children and at times we have to discipline our children so they will hopefully learn a lesson. However, at times, it is also important to extend our children grace. I don't want my children to believe the lie that they have to perform a certain way to earn my love or to earn God's favor. They always have my love and nothing they can do can EARN God's favor. By showing them grace in our parenting we are teaching them about the ultimate gift of grace, we are showing them that the gifts they receive are because they are loved, not because they earned them. It is equally important though to ensure that our children understand that grace does excuse bad choices or give them a pass to keep making those bad choices. Obedience is to be expected and sometimes consequences are necessary. However, grace should also be extended at times, so that our kids will one day better understand the gospel.
Monday, February 3, 2014
Monday, January 27, 2014
I'm Cool When My Son Plays With Dolls
A couple of years ago I saw a quote from the book "Future Men: Raising Boys to Fight Giants" by Doug Wilson and honestly it really irked me. Here is the quote:
"For those boys who gravitate toward playing house and dolls and dress up, wise parental control, oversight and redirection is necessary. A right understanding of masculinity by the parents is necessary. A boy should study to become wise. This is not the same as wearing a frilly apron."
I will be the first to admit that I did not actually read this book and that it may be an amazing resource for raising godly men, however, this quote really bothers me. Why is it so wrong for boys to play house or play with dolls or play dress up? How do these activities not foster masculinity? Before I continue I want to be clear that I truly believe in biblical gender roles and I want to raise my son to be a strong man of God. I believe that God created men and women to be equals, but that he also created men and women to fulfill specific roles. Aaron and I are raising our children to understand their godly roles according to Scripture, but I feel this quote takes that a little too far. While I want my son to be strong and masculine, I do not want my son to be chauvinistic or to think that there is "man's work" and "woman's work". I want my son to grow up to be the kind of man who loves, serves and provides for his wife as Christ does for the church. Today I am going to share some of the "girly" things that my son plays and why I am okay with it.
- My son plays with dolls. In addition to my 5 year old son, I also have a 3 year old daughter, and with that our house is overrun by baby dolls. My son plays has been known to play with a baby doll. My son changes the doll's clothes and diapers, he gives the doll a bottle, he feeds the doll, and he rocks the doll to sleep. You know where he learned these things? He learned them by watching his daddy care for his sister. He is simply mimicking the great example his father set for him. My son is learning how to care for his future children.
- My son wears an apron. I love to cook and especially bake. My son loves to help me in the kitchen. When he was two I bought him a little apron so that he would not get his clothes messy when he helps me cook. My son also has a play kitchen in the play room and he pretends to cook there all the time. My son is learning how to take care of himself because odds are he will have to live on his own at some point without a woman to cook for him. I want my son to be able to cook his food so that he won't starve to death or have to eat only fast food.
- My son plays "makeover" with his sister. My daughter has recently gotten into make up and especially fingernail polish. When she can't have her nails painted, she likes to pretend to have her nails painted. My son will play with her and paint her nails for her and help her with make up and help fix her hair. Where has he learned such "feminine" behavior? Well from his father. My husband paints my daughter's nails and fixes her hair and will play makeover with her. Also my son is learning how to pamper a woman. One day when my son is married, he will be comfortable pampering his wife by brushing her hair or painting her nails. My son is learning how to serve his wife and play with his future daughter.
- My son plays house. This goes back to simply mimicking his daddy. My husband irons his work shirts, he loads the dishwasher, he washes the laundry, he helps me clean the house; my husband shows his love for me by doing acts of service around our home. My son has watched his daddy and wants to be like him, so he offers to mop the kitchen floor or vacuum the carpet. He is learning to take care of a house so that he won't be completely helpless should he not get married the day he moves out of our home.
- My son plays dress up. In the case of dress up, we do make a point to only allow gender appropriate dress up clothes. My son is not allowed to wear his sister princess dresses or mommy's dress shoes. He is allowed to wear super hero costumes and daddy's ties and daddy's old clothes. My son loves to dress up as his favorite characters and I encourage it because it fosters his imagination. On a side note, my son does wear necklaces at times and they are not "boy" necklaces. My grandmother passed away two years ago and I was given a lot of her costume jewelry. My son knows which necklaces belonged to GrannyJo and sometimes he likes to wear her necklaces because he loved her very much and he misses her. We let the necklaces slide because of the sentimental factor.
I know there are many other "girly" things that my son plays, but I don't want to go on forever. The point that I am trying to make is that raising a godly man is more than the toys our kids play with. My son has a sister and that means he will at times play with "girly" things like a tea set and Barbies. My daughter also plays with "boyish" things like trains and tools because she is playing with her big brother. My son is learning about the importance of being the kind of man who will play with his daughter and help his wife around the house and be sensitive enough to be romantic. I believe that we are raising up a future great man of God who will be strong and sensitive.
"For those boys who gravitate toward playing house and dolls and dress up, wise parental control, oversight and redirection is necessary. A right understanding of masculinity by the parents is necessary. A boy should study to become wise. This is not the same as wearing a frilly apron."
I will be the first to admit that I did not actually read this book and that it may be an amazing resource for raising godly men, however, this quote really bothers me. Why is it so wrong for boys to play house or play with dolls or play dress up? How do these activities not foster masculinity? Before I continue I want to be clear that I truly believe in biblical gender roles and I want to raise my son to be a strong man of God. I believe that God created men and women to be equals, but that he also created men and women to fulfill specific roles. Aaron and I are raising our children to understand their godly roles according to Scripture, but I feel this quote takes that a little too far. While I want my son to be strong and masculine, I do not want my son to be chauvinistic or to think that there is "man's work" and "woman's work". I want my son to grow up to be the kind of man who loves, serves and provides for his wife as Christ does for the church. Today I am going to share some of the "girly" things that my son plays and why I am okay with it.
- My son plays with dolls. In addition to my 5 year old son, I also have a 3 year old daughter, and with that our house is overrun by baby dolls. My son plays has been known to play with a baby doll. My son changes the doll's clothes and diapers, he gives the doll a bottle, he feeds the doll, and he rocks the doll to sleep. You know where he learned these things? He learned them by watching his daddy care for his sister. He is simply mimicking the great example his father set for him. My son is learning how to care for his future children.
- My son wears an apron. I love to cook and especially bake. My son loves to help me in the kitchen. When he was two I bought him a little apron so that he would not get his clothes messy when he helps me cook. My son also has a play kitchen in the play room and he pretends to cook there all the time. My son is learning how to take care of himself because odds are he will have to live on his own at some point without a woman to cook for him. I want my son to be able to cook his food so that he won't starve to death or have to eat only fast food.
- My son plays "makeover" with his sister. My daughter has recently gotten into make up and especially fingernail polish. When she can't have her nails painted, she likes to pretend to have her nails painted. My son will play with her and paint her nails for her and help her with make up and help fix her hair. Where has he learned such "feminine" behavior? Well from his father. My husband paints my daughter's nails and fixes her hair and will play makeover with her. Also my son is learning how to pamper a woman. One day when my son is married, he will be comfortable pampering his wife by brushing her hair or painting her nails. My son is learning how to serve his wife and play with his future daughter.
- My son plays house. This goes back to simply mimicking his daddy. My husband irons his work shirts, he loads the dishwasher, he washes the laundry, he helps me clean the house; my husband shows his love for me by doing acts of service around our home. My son has watched his daddy and wants to be like him, so he offers to mop the kitchen floor or vacuum the carpet. He is learning to take care of a house so that he won't be completely helpless should he not get married the day he moves out of our home.
- My son plays dress up. In the case of dress up, we do make a point to only allow gender appropriate dress up clothes. My son is not allowed to wear his sister princess dresses or mommy's dress shoes. He is allowed to wear super hero costumes and daddy's ties and daddy's old clothes. My son loves to dress up as his favorite characters and I encourage it because it fosters his imagination. On a side note, my son does wear necklaces at times and they are not "boy" necklaces. My grandmother passed away two years ago and I was given a lot of her costume jewelry. My son knows which necklaces belonged to GrannyJo and sometimes he likes to wear her necklaces because he loved her very much and he misses her. We let the necklaces slide because of the sentimental factor.
I know there are many other "girly" things that my son plays, but I don't want to go on forever. The point that I am trying to make is that raising a godly man is more than the toys our kids play with. My son has a sister and that means he will at times play with "girly" things like a tea set and Barbies. My daughter also plays with "boyish" things like trains and tools because she is playing with her big brother. My son is learning about the importance of being the kind of man who will play with his daughter and help his wife around the house and be sensitive enough to be romantic. I believe that we are raising up a future great man of God who will be strong and sensitive.
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| Playing tea party with Daddy and his sister. |
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| Playing dress up on his birthday. |
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| Being all boy with his light saber. |
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| Hanging out with his sister and a teddy bear. |
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
I Am Not Girly, But I Am Still a Woman
I am not a girly girl; never have been. My mom says that even as a baby I detested wearing dresses. I have always been most comfortable in jeans and a T-shirt. Most of my friends growing up were guys and I would much rather have been playing softball or wrestling than playing with dolls. Even now, I don't like to wear make-up or fix my hair. I have no idea how to accessorize and I don't even carry a purse. I am just not a girly girl.
However, just because I am not girly, that does not make me any less of a woman. People don't look at me on the street and think, "hey is that a dude?" Just because I prefer jeans to a skirt doesn't make me unwomanly. Just because I prefer a ponytail to spending 10-20 minutes blow drying and doing my hair doesn't mean I am not feminine. Just because I keep my stuff in my pockets instead of a purse doesn't make any less of a woman.
I believe that I have a pretty good grasp on what it takes to be a woman of God. I have studied the Proverbs 31 Woman and the Titus 2 Woman and I think that I have pretty good grasp on my role as a woman. This is not to say that I don't have room for growth or that I don't fail at times, but still I think that I am doing a pretty good job. And something I have noticed as I studied being a godly woman is that nowhere does it say I have to be girly to be a godly woman. There is no requirement to wear dresses or make-up or always have nicely done hair. Being a godly woman has more to do with the heart, than the appearance.
With that being said, I feel that I am quite womanly and feminine even though I am not girly. No my favorite color is not pink (in fact I kind of hate pink) and I don't wear high heels and skirts all the time, but I am still very feminine. I even asked my mother and my husband for characteristics of mine that speak to my femininity and I compiled this list:
- I work from home so that I can be with our children more. When the opportunity became available for me to work as a nanny in my home and thus get my children out of daycare, I took it because I know the importance of being with my children.
- I can cook and bake and I actually enjoy it.
- I practice hospitality-I love playing hostess and having people over to our house.
- I do actually like some girly stuff like romantic movies, flowers, and getting dressed up to go out on a date with my sweet hubby. I just also like sports, action movies, classic cars and the like. I I'm actually well rounded, when you think about it.
- Not to get gross, but I know how to allure my husband, just ask him.
- I have long hair. I know this sounds weird, but when you think of someone being feminine you normally picture long hair, which I have.
- My husband says that I am gentle and compassionate.
This post may seem out of left field, but it is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. I know a lot of woman who dress well and always have their hair done and know how to accessorize and sometimes I compare myself to them and feel inadequate. On the rare occasion that I do put forth an effort and fix my hair and make-up and attempt to accessorize, I actually end up feeling uncomfortable. I just don't think that God made me to be girly. The older I get, the more comfortable I become with who I am. I am a little bit of a tomboy, I am low maintenance, and I am not girly. I am feminine and womanly even in my jeans, T-shirts, and ponytail.
However, just because I am not girly, that does not make me any less of a woman. People don't look at me on the street and think, "hey is that a dude?" Just because I prefer jeans to a skirt doesn't make me unwomanly. Just because I prefer a ponytail to spending 10-20 minutes blow drying and doing my hair doesn't mean I am not feminine. Just because I keep my stuff in my pockets instead of a purse doesn't make any less of a woman.
I believe that I have a pretty good grasp on what it takes to be a woman of God. I have studied the Proverbs 31 Woman and the Titus 2 Woman and I think that I have pretty good grasp on my role as a woman. This is not to say that I don't have room for growth or that I don't fail at times, but still I think that I am doing a pretty good job. And something I have noticed as I studied being a godly woman is that nowhere does it say I have to be girly to be a godly woman. There is no requirement to wear dresses or make-up or always have nicely done hair. Being a godly woman has more to do with the heart, than the appearance.
With that being said, I feel that I am quite womanly and feminine even though I am not girly. No my favorite color is not pink (in fact I kind of hate pink) and I don't wear high heels and skirts all the time, but I am still very feminine. I even asked my mother and my husband for characteristics of mine that speak to my femininity and I compiled this list:
- I work from home so that I can be with our children more. When the opportunity became available for me to work as a nanny in my home and thus get my children out of daycare, I took it because I know the importance of being with my children.
- I can cook and bake and I actually enjoy it.
- I practice hospitality-I love playing hostess and having people over to our house.
- I do actually like some girly stuff like romantic movies, flowers, and getting dressed up to go out on a date with my sweet hubby. I just also like sports, action movies, classic cars and the like. I I'm actually well rounded, when you think about it.
- Not to get gross, but I know how to allure my husband, just ask him.
- I have long hair. I know this sounds weird, but when you think of someone being feminine you normally picture long hair, which I have.
- My husband says that I am gentle and compassionate.
This post may seem out of left field, but it is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. I know a lot of woman who dress well and always have their hair done and know how to accessorize and sometimes I compare myself to them and feel inadequate. On the rare occasion that I do put forth an effort and fix my hair and make-up and attempt to accessorize, I actually end up feeling uncomfortable. I just don't think that God made me to be girly. The older I get, the more comfortable I become with who I am. I am a little bit of a tomboy, I am low maintenance, and I am not girly. I am feminine and womanly even in my jeans, T-shirts, and ponytail.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Getting Real About the Mess of Life
Today I am doing a "let's be real" post. The purpose of this post is not to vent about my horrible life or make people pity me and my poor life. The purpose of this post is to be real with people who read my blog and to be honest about how life is not always easy, even for a Christian.
I know there are some who believe that once you become a Christian life is supposed to be all rainbows, unicorns, and gumdrops and that all trials are faced with joy and thanksgiving and deep prayer. Good Christians do not battle depression or anxiety or feelings of bitterness because they are now filled with the love of Jesus and this magically makes all the bad things go away. And the Christians that do deal with this evil things obviously don't read their Bible enough or prayer enough or do enough good works or whatever. I hope this post will show you what bullcrap that way of thinking is.
I am one of those people who struggles with depression and anxiety and feelings of bitterness and resentment. I am not always an emotionally stable individual. I have a nasty habit of bottling up my feelings and making myself feel guilty for feeling certain feelings and holding on to bad experiences. This past weekend was one of those times.
There is not a specific incident that I can point to and say that was the moment when everything went haywire, but I do know it was sometime on Friday. Something happened on Friday and I felt myself turning into an emotional yo-yo, one minute I was happy and the next I was depressed or angry or just fed up with life. My attitude stunk big time and I couldn't seem to pull myself out of my funk. Saturday was another emotional yo-yo day. There were moments of ecstasy and moments of deep depression. By the time Sunday morning came around there wasn't much bouncing up, I was low and nothing could make me feel better. I was angry and bitter at my husband, at my kids, at my friends, at the world.
We attend a large church in Louisville and one of the ways that we experience community is through Community Groups (CG), which are small groups of people that meet in various homes throughout the city during the week. These are the people that you do life with outside of the large gatherings at the church building on Sunday morning. Our CG meets at our home every other Sunday night, and last night was our week to have CG. When I got home from church I began to honestly dread everyone coming over. I had to clean the house and then I had to pretend to be happy when everyone came over. I just was not looking forward to CG, which is not normal for me.
I could feel myself becoming more emotional at CG was going on and I was doing everything I could to simply hold it together so I would start crying in front of everyone. It came time for accountability, when the men and women split off into two groups so we can talk with each other more intimately, and when my turn came to share, I just started crying and I couldn't stop. I mean I was an emotional basket case. Everything I had been feeling over the last couple of days just bubbled over and I blubbered all over the ladies in my group.
I talked about how I am struggling with adjusting to our new schedule since my husband started his new job a couple of weeks ago. I am lonely because I feel like I don't see my husband. My son has had a poor attitude and doesn't want to go to school or do his homework or be nice. My daughter is very emotional and has a diva complex that makes rationalizing with her and even disciplining her a real struggle. My job is not always easy. I am a little resentful of how handsome my husband is and how he can just start a new intense workout routine like its nothing. I feel unworthy of my husband because I am overweight. I feel myself falling into a cycle where I hate my body, but I hate to workout in the gym because other people can see me and how out of shape I am, so I don't go to the gym. I feel pulled in a thousand directions and I just can't keep up.
At one point during my blubbering, I was asked by one of the ladies in my CG about how my walk with the Lord had been during the week, was I praying and in the word? I told her I was in the word everyday and praying everyday. My bought with depression was not because of a lack of spiritual discipline. Very often, that is our advice when someone is struggling. Oh your dealing with depression, well you just need to memorize Scripture and start a pray journal and have you tried fasting? Sometimes, even the most spiritually disciplined Christians struggle with depression or anxiety or a number of other things, and it's not because they stopped reading God's Word or praying or worshipping, it's because life is hard sometimes.
I wish I could tell you that I am magically better this morning and that I am feeling such peace that all my troubles have melted away, but that is not true. I do feel a little better because I shared my struggles with the people in my life, my family, and I know that they are going to be lifting me up in prayer and checking in on me and that they are not going to leave me in my depression. Just knowing that I have people who love me does help. I wish I could tell you that I found the perfect formula of prayer or the right Bible verse to recite when things get hard or the exact worship song that I can play to speak into my situation, but that just isn't the case. Right now, I am trying to pry my hands open so that I can release my burdens to my heavenly Father and I am trying to lean on the power of Jesus and I am reminding myself that I have the power of the Holy Spirit giving me the strength and courage to carry on, but it isn't easy. I still struggle with the sin of making myself God. I think that I have to handle all life's problems on my own and that things are much better if I am in control. My sin is real and present, even though I have a strong walk with the Lord.
Why am I telling you all this? I realized this morning that in a way I have been lying to those of you who read my blog on a daily basis. I think that I may have painted a rainbows, unicorns, and gumdrops picture of my spiritual life. I fear that I may be presenting my struggles in a way that minimizes them and makes it seem like I just give it all over to the Lord and walk off in peace and joy. My worry is that I am giving you the "Jesus" answer to everything without being real about life. Life is messy and hard and painful and sometimes there is no perfect "Jesus" answer that will make it all better.
I hope that maybe you are a little encouraged this morning and I really hope that I have not scared you off from entering into a relationship with Jesus. While being in a relationship with Jesus does not always mean life will be easy, it is always worth it. I know that I have a God who understands my feelings of loneliness and depression and anxiety and that I have a God who loves me and is working to sanctify me daily. I know that there is coming a day when I will no longer battle depression or anxiety or bitterness or resentment and I can look forward to that hope, even when I am in the pits. This world is broken and that brokenness means that good, Jesus-loving people sometimes suffer, but I know that this world is not my home and one day I will be in the presence of Jesus and this world will fade away. Life is hard, but God is good and he will sustain me.
I know there are some who believe that once you become a Christian life is supposed to be all rainbows, unicorns, and gumdrops and that all trials are faced with joy and thanksgiving and deep prayer. Good Christians do not battle depression or anxiety or feelings of bitterness because they are now filled with the love of Jesus and this magically makes all the bad things go away. And the Christians that do deal with this evil things obviously don't read their Bible enough or prayer enough or do enough good works or whatever. I hope this post will show you what bullcrap that way of thinking is.
I am one of those people who struggles with depression and anxiety and feelings of bitterness and resentment. I am not always an emotionally stable individual. I have a nasty habit of bottling up my feelings and making myself feel guilty for feeling certain feelings and holding on to bad experiences. This past weekend was one of those times.
There is not a specific incident that I can point to and say that was the moment when everything went haywire, but I do know it was sometime on Friday. Something happened on Friday and I felt myself turning into an emotional yo-yo, one minute I was happy and the next I was depressed or angry or just fed up with life. My attitude stunk big time and I couldn't seem to pull myself out of my funk. Saturday was another emotional yo-yo day. There were moments of ecstasy and moments of deep depression. By the time Sunday morning came around there wasn't much bouncing up, I was low and nothing could make me feel better. I was angry and bitter at my husband, at my kids, at my friends, at the world.
We attend a large church in Louisville and one of the ways that we experience community is through Community Groups (CG), which are small groups of people that meet in various homes throughout the city during the week. These are the people that you do life with outside of the large gatherings at the church building on Sunday morning. Our CG meets at our home every other Sunday night, and last night was our week to have CG. When I got home from church I began to honestly dread everyone coming over. I had to clean the house and then I had to pretend to be happy when everyone came over. I just was not looking forward to CG, which is not normal for me.
I could feel myself becoming more emotional at CG was going on and I was doing everything I could to simply hold it together so I would start crying in front of everyone. It came time for accountability, when the men and women split off into two groups so we can talk with each other more intimately, and when my turn came to share, I just started crying and I couldn't stop. I mean I was an emotional basket case. Everything I had been feeling over the last couple of days just bubbled over and I blubbered all over the ladies in my group.
I talked about how I am struggling with adjusting to our new schedule since my husband started his new job a couple of weeks ago. I am lonely because I feel like I don't see my husband. My son has had a poor attitude and doesn't want to go to school or do his homework or be nice. My daughter is very emotional and has a diva complex that makes rationalizing with her and even disciplining her a real struggle. My job is not always easy. I am a little resentful of how handsome my husband is and how he can just start a new intense workout routine like its nothing. I feel unworthy of my husband because I am overweight. I feel myself falling into a cycle where I hate my body, but I hate to workout in the gym because other people can see me and how out of shape I am, so I don't go to the gym. I feel pulled in a thousand directions and I just can't keep up.
At one point during my blubbering, I was asked by one of the ladies in my CG about how my walk with the Lord had been during the week, was I praying and in the word? I told her I was in the word everyday and praying everyday. My bought with depression was not because of a lack of spiritual discipline. Very often, that is our advice when someone is struggling. Oh your dealing with depression, well you just need to memorize Scripture and start a pray journal and have you tried fasting? Sometimes, even the most spiritually disciplined Christians struggle with depression or anxiety or a number of other things, and it's not because they stopped reading God's Word or praying or worshipping, it's because life is hard sometimes.
I wish I could tell you that I am magically better this morning and that I am feeling such peace that all my troubles have melted away, but that is not true. I do feel a little better because I shared my struggles with the people in my life, my family, and I know that they are going to be lifting me up in prayer and checking in on me and that they are not going to leave me in my depression. Just knowing that I have people who love me does help. I wish I could tell you that I found the perfect formula of prayer or the right Bible verse to recite when things get hard or the exact worship song that I can play to speak into my situation, but that just isn't the case. Right now, I am trying to pry my hands open so that I can release my burdens to my heavenly Father and I am trying to lean on the power of Jesus and I am reminding myself that I have the power of the Holy Spirit giving me the strength and courage to carry on, but it isn't easy. I still struggle with the sin of making myself God. I think that I have to handle all life's problems on my own and that things are much better if I am in control. My sin is real and present, even though I have a strong walk with the Lord.
Why am I telling you all this? I realized this morning that in a way I have been lying to those of you who read my blog on a daily basis. I think that I may have painted a rainbows, unicorns, and gumdrops picture of my spiritual life. I fear that I may be presenting my struggles in a way that minimizes them and makes it seem like I just give it all over to the Lord and walk off in peace and joy. My worry is that I am giving you the "Jesus" answer to everything without being real about life. Life is messy and hard and painful and sometimes there is no perfect "Jesus" answer that will make it all better.
I hope that maybe you are a little encouraged this morning and I really hope that I have not scared you off from entering into a relationship with Jesus. While being in a relationship with Jesus does not always mean life will be easy, it is always worth it. I know that I have a God who understands my feelings of loneliness and depression and anxiety and that I have a God who loves me and is working to sanctify me daily. I know that there is coming a day when I will no longer battle depression or anxiety or bitterness or resentment and I can look forward to that hope, even when I am in the pits. This world is broken and that brokenness means that good, Jesus-loving people sometimes suffer, but I know that this world is not my home and one day I will be in the presence of Jesus and this world will fade away. Life is hard, but God is good and he will sustain me.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
How Being a Jerk Taught Me About the Love of God
Last week I had one of those epic, monumental, big-time mommy fail moments. I was trying to get my two kids ready to go have lunch with their daddy at work. It was the typical stress of trying to get a 5 year old and 3 year old to do anything faster than the pace of a snail. I asked my son, the 5 year old, to please get dressed and brush his teeth. He proceeded to cry and cry and cry. He cried and wailed for at least 15 minutes, and around minute 5 I lost it. I yelled at him, I spoke to him in a less than loving way, I showed my frustration in my body language, tone, etc. Of course, my reaction only made things worse.
Finally we get in the car and about 5 minutes into the 20 minute drive, my son finally stopped crying. When we got to Daddy's Work I realized that my son was actually sleeping, which never happens. As I was getting him out of the car I did apologize to him and told him that the way I acted was in no way okay and that no matter what he does, mommy should never treat him that way. I asked my son to forgive me and with a hug he did. I told him I loved him very much and he replied in kind. We then went in to have lunch with Daddy.
As we were sitting at lunch, my son refused all food, choosing only to drink. Then my husband and I noticed that our son looked a little pale. Then my son fell asleep in the car again on the way home. This was my final indication that something was not right. When we got home, I laid my son down on the couch and took his temperature and discovered that he was running a fever. We later found out that he had a virus and an ear infection; he was really sick.
Earlier my son was feeling ill and he couldn't find the words to tell me that, so he cried. He cried and I yelled. I was not paying attention to what my son was really trying to tell me. I was interpreting what I wanted and I responded in kind. My son was not trying to be difficult, he was trying to communicate, "hey mom, I'm sick."
I felt like the worst mom in the whole world all day. How could I be so oblivious to not see what was really going on? How could I be so horrible to my sweet baby? Why do I so often over react to situations? Why I am still allowing sin to take control of my life?
As I have thought back on that whole situation this last week, I am able to see a reflection of the gospel. So often I treat God like I treated my son. I don't like how God is handling a situation and instead of listening to what God is trying to communicate, I get mad and yell and scream and treat God like dirt. I give God the silent treatment and a ton of attitude because he is not doing things the way I think they should be done. I don't want to hear what God has to say. Sometimes, a lot of times, I treat God likes he is an annoying
kid instead of the creator of the universe. Sometimes I act like a complete and total jerk to God.
But thankfully God does not mirror my emotions and responses back to me, he instead shows me everlasting love and forgiveness, much like my son. Later that evening as my son's fever was going higher and higher, all he wanted was to cuddle with me. My son no longer cared about how awful I was to him that morning. He had forgiven me and was not holding my earlier behavior against me. All he cared about was that I was his mommy and that I love him. My son showed me true grace and love and forgiveness, and he didn't even have to try, it came naturally to him.
I know that part of this is because my son knows just how much I love him, and I do love him very much. But more than that, my son is beginning to understand the love of God, which gives him the capacity to love others in return. God created us to be loving people in relationship with others. God created relationships to show us examples of the kind of intimacy he wants with us, his children. My heavenly Father is quick to forgive me when I seek forgiveness, not because I deserve it, but because he loves me and I am precious to him. I am eternally thankful that God shows me grace when I am a jerk.
I am thankful that I have such loving, wonderful children who are quick to forgive. I am thankful that my heavenly Father continues to sanctify me through my experiences. I am thankful to be in a personal relationship with God and that I am able to experience his grace, love, and forgiveness every day. I am thankful that God does not leave me in my sin, but convicts me and gives me power through the Holy Spirit to repent of those sins. I am thankful to have another day to try and be more like Christ.
Finally we get in the car and about 5 minutes into the 20 minute drive, my son finally stopped crying. When we got to Daddy's Work I realized that my son was actually sleeping, which never happens. As I was getting him out of the car I did apologize to him and told him that the way I acted was in no way okay and that no matter what he does, mommy should never treat him that way. I asked my son to forgive me and with a hug he did. I told him I loved him very much and he replied in kind. We then went in to have lunch with Daddy.
As we were sitting at lunch, my son refused all food, choosing only to drink. Then my husband and I noticed that our son looked a little pale. Then my son fell asleep in the car again on the way home. This was my final indication that something was not right. When we got home, I laid my son down on the couch and took his temperature and discovered that he was running a fever. We later found out that he had a virus and an ear infection; he was really sick.
Earlier my son was feeling ill and he couldn't find the words to tell me that, so he cried. He cried and I yelled. I was not paying attention to what my son was really trying to tell me. I was interpreting what I wanted and I responded in kind. My son was not trying to be difficult, he was trying to communicate, "hey mom, I'm sick."
I felt like the worst mom in the whole world all day. How could I be so oblivious to not see what was really going on? How could I be so horrible to my sweet baby? Why do I so often over react to situations? Why I am still allowing sin to take control of my life?
As I have thought back on that whole situation this last week, I am able to see a reflection of the gospel. So often I treat God like I treated my son. I don't like how God is handling a situation and instead of listening to what God is trying to communicate, I get mad and yell and scream and treat God like dirt. I give God the silent treatment and a ton of attitude because he is not doing things the way I think they should be done. I don't want to hear what God has to say. Sometimes, a lot of times, I treat God likes he is an annoying
kid instead of the creator of the universe. Sometimes I act like a complete and total jerk to God.
But thankfully God does not mirror my emotions and responses back to me, he instead shows me everlasting love and forgiveness, much like my son. Later that evening as my son's fever was going higher and higher, all he wanted was to cuddle with me. My son no longer cared about how awful I was to him that morning. He had forgiven me and was not holding my earlier behavior against me. All he cared about was that I was his mommy and that I love him. My son showed me true grace and love and forgiveness, and he didn't even have to try, it came naturally to him.
I know that part of this is because my son knows just how much I love him, and I do love him very much. But more than that, my son is beginning to understand the love of God, which gives him the capacity to love others in return. God created us to be loving people in relationship with others. God created relationships to show us examples of the kind of intimacy he wants with us, his children. My heavenly Father is quick to forgive me when I seek forgiveness, not because I deserve it, but because he loves me and I am precious to him. I am eternally thankful that God shows me grace when I am a jerk.
I am thankful that I have such loving, wonderful children who are quick to forgive. I am thankful that my heavenly Father continues to sanctify me through my experiences. I am thankful to be in a personal relationship with God and that I am able to experience his grace, love, and forgiveness every day. I am thankful that God does not leave me in my sin, but convicts me and gives me power through the Holy Spirit to repent of those sins. I am thankful to have another day to try and be more like Christ.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Part Two: How to Respond to the Lessons of Disney Princesses
In case you missed it, you can read part one here.
After reading about all the detrimental lessons that Disney princesses are teaching our daughters, you may be wondering how can I counter that? Is there any way to redeem the Disney princesses or should I just get rid of all the Disney movies in my house? I believe that there are lessons we can be instilling in our daughters that will give them a firm foundation to stand on when faced with the lessons in the Disney princess movies. Before I get into the lessons we should be teaching our daughters, I want to touch on a couple of things.
First, we should actually watch the movies with our daughters every once in a while. I am not saying that we have to sit down and watch Beauty and the Beast 15 times a week, which at my house sometimes happens. Sometimes you need to be able to put a movie in so you can have time to take a shower or clean the kitchen or get some other work done around the house; or maybe you just don't want to watch Cinderella three straight times in a row, I totally get that. I'm just saying, we need to make sure that our daughters aren't watching the movies alone every time. Watch the movies with your daughter and engage with your daughter during the movie. Talk to her about she is seeing and ask her what she thinks about what she is seeing. You may be surprised at her answers. Also, interject comments about how that may be okay behavior for Ariel, but it is not okay behavior for your little princess. Turn these viewings into teaching moments.
The other thing I want to make clear, is that these are not lessons we can just share once and move on. We can't just tell our daughters all of these things right before or right after she watches a movie and expect it to stick. These are lessons that we should be instilling in her life on a daily basis. We should be talking about these things at the dinner table, while driving in the car, during family devotions, etc. These are things our daughters should hear repeatedly throughout the day, not just once or twice a week. Our daughters will not believe us, unless we repeat ourselves, a lot. Also, our daughters need to see us living out these lessons, not just telling them to her. She needs us, her parents, to set an example for how she should be.
1. Daughter, your identity is in Christ, first and foremost.
Figured I would get the Jesus Juke out of the way right away. If our daughters do not learn that her identity is in Christ, she will spend much of her life trying to find her identity in other things. As a daughter who sought to identify myself in empty, non-eternal things, this one matters most to me. I want my daughter to understand that nothing else in the world will give her true value and worth, only when she identifies herself in Christ will she be whole.
2. Life is more than finding a guy.
Our daughters should have many dreams, not just about finding a husband. We should ask our daughters about her dreams, encourage her dreams, remind her that her dreams are important. The right guy will be just as excited about her dreams as she is and will help her follow those dreams. Mr. Right will compliment her dreams, not complete them. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with our daughters dreaming about finding a husband, but if that is her only dream, we will end up with a boy obsessed young girl who is completely consumed about not being single. We need to teach our daughters to be okay in her singleness and pursue other dreams while she waits on God's timing for marriage.
3. You are beautiful and smart and funny and a million other things.
I think that is very important for girls to be told they are beautiful, but that should not be the only thing we praise our daughters for. Girls need to hear, especially from their daddys, that they are beautiful so that they will feel beautiful, but they should also be told they are smart and funny and full of spunk and kind. We have to teach our daughters that her beauty is more than just about her appearance, her whole person makes her beautiful.
4. There is no one standard of beauty.
This is something that needs to be instilled in our daughters early on and every single day. Our daughters are bombarded by a cultural standard of beauty that is impossible to attain. We need to be teaching our daughters that there is no one standard of beauty and they are beautiful just as they are.
5. Love is not instant and it is not all gumdrops and rainbows.
Love takes time. You do not fall in real love with someone when your eyes meet across a crowded room. Your interest might be piqued, and you may feel serious attraction to a person in a first meeting, but real, true love takes time. It requires getting to know a person for who they really are and being vulnerable to let him get to know you. Love is a daily choice, not a flighty emotion. I wake up every day and decide to love my husband, and some days that choice is easier than others. Love requires hard work and a serious commitment and sometimes love is not pleasant.
6. Love does not mean "happily ever after."
This point goes hand-in-hand with the previous point. Just because you are in love with someone does not mean that you will live happily ever after. Our daughters need to be told that the man she loves will disappoint her and he will let her down, and she will do the same to him. There will be times, in love, when our daughters will feel like giving up, and that is where our example as parents comes into play. Our daughters need to see that her parents struggle and get frustrated, but she also needs to see her parents work it out and make the effort. Our daughters will form her view of what love is really like by first watching us, the parents.
7. Drama is not an appropriate response.
Our daughters need to be taught how to handle disappointment from an early age. Our daughters need to hear us say no and then we need to teach them how to respond appropriately to that no. My 3 year old daughter does not like being told no, and she often times will throw quite the fit when she does not get the answer she wants. When my little princess goes into drama mode, she is sent to her room until she can respond appropriately. Once she has calmed down, she can come out and we can talk. I tell her very clearly when I send her to her room that this behavior is not okay and it will not be tolerated. Our daughters need to learn early that life is not about getting everything we want and sometimes life is not fair. Throwing yourself down on the floor and sobbing will get you nothing in life.
8. God did not create you to be a helpless damsel in distress.
I am a strong supporter of gender roles, which is another topic for another time, however, I do not believe that this means our daughters should not know how to take care of themselves. I believe that girls should know how to change a flat tire, swing a hammer, and unclog a toilet. There is no guarantee that a man will always be around to "rescue" our daughters. Our daughters need to be told that they are smart and strong and capable of "rescuing" themselves.
9. Obsession is not romantic.
So often, love in the movies is portrayed with one or both of the people involved being completely obsessed with the other. Take Ariel for example, she is so obsessed with Prince Eric that she is willing to give up her family and possibly her life for the chance to be with him. Prince Eric is so obsessed with the mystery girl who saved him, that he is oblivious to the fact she is standing in front of him. Our daughters need to be taught that being obsessed with a guy does show her passion and true devotion to him, it shows she is a stalker. Romance is not stifling, obsession is. Obsession leads to distrust, loneliness, and a whole lot of drama. Teach your daughter the difference between obsession and romance.
10. Fairy tales are just that, tales.
Our daughters need to be able to distinguish between reality and fantasy. Fairy tales are fantasy and they do not exist in the real world. Yes, there are beautiful loves stories out there, but even the most wonderful couples have gone through tough times, and if they say it was all rainbows and roses, they are lying. Our daughters need to realize that Prince Charming is not perfect and that life doesn't work out like in the fairy tales. Once again, our example will speak volumes. We shouldn't shelter our daughters from real life, let them see the struggles and the mess and let them see how to handle it. Don't lie to our daughters and make them think life is a fairy tale.
We do not need to shelter our daughters from all the horrible lessons out there, we simply need to build a strong foundation for them to stand on so they will not be easily swayed.
After reading about all the detrimental lessons that Disney princesses are teaching our daughters, you may be wondering how can I counter that? Is there any way to redeem the Disney princesses or should I just get rid of all the Disney movies in my house? I believe that there are lessons we can be instilling in our daughters that will give them a firm foundation to stand on when faced with the lessons in the Disney princess movies. Before I get into the lessons we should be teaching our daughters, I want to touch on a couple of things.
First, we should actually watch the movies with our daughters every once in a while. I am not saying that we have to sit down and watch Beauty and the Beast 15 times a week, which at my house sometimes happens. Sometimes you need to be able to put a movie in so you can have time to take a shower or clean the kitchen or get some other work done around the house; or maybe you just don't want to watch Cinderella three straight times in a row, I totally get that. I'm just saying, we need to make sure that our daughters aren't watching the movies alone every time. Watch the movies with your daughter and engage with your daughter during the movie. Talk to her about she is seeing and ask her what she thinks about what she is seeing. You may be surprised at her answers. Also, interject comments about how that may be okay behavior for Ariel, but it is not okay behavior for your little princess. Turn these viewings into teaching moments.
The other thing I want to make clear, is that these are not lessons we can just share once and move on. We can't just tell our daughters all of these things right before or right after she watches a movie and expect it to stick. These are lessons that we should be instilling in her life on a daily basis. We should be talking about these things at the dinner table, while driving in the car, during family devotions, etc. These are things our daughters should hear repeatedly throughout the day, not just once or twice a week. Our daughters will not believe us, unless we repeat ourselves, a lot. Also, our daughters need to see us living out these lessons, not just telling them to her. She needs us, her parents, to set an example for how she should be.
1. Daughter, your identity is in Christ, first and foremost.
Figured I would get the Jesus Juke out of the way right away. If our daughters do not learn that her identity is in Christ, she will spend much of her life trying to find her identity in other things. As a daughter who sought to identify myself in empty, non-eternal things, this one matters most to me. I want my daughter to understand that nothing else in the world will give her true value and worth, only when she identifies herself in Christ will she be whole.
2. Life is more than finding a guy.
Our daughters should have many dreams, not just about finding a husband. We should ask our daughters about her dreams, encourage her dreams, remind her that her dreams are important. The right guy will be just as excited about her dreams as she is and will help her follow those dreams. Mr. Right will compliment her dreams, not complete them. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with our daughters dreaming about finding a husband, but if that is her only dream, we will end up with a boy obsessed young girl who is completely consumed about not being single. We need to teach our daughters to be okay in her singleness and pursue other dreams while she waits on God's timing for marriage.
3. You are beautiful and smart and funny and a million other things.
I think that is very important for girls to be told they are beautiful, but that should not be the only thing we praise our daughters for. Girls need to hear, especially from their daddys, that they are beautiful so that they will feel beautiful, but they should also be told they are smart and funny and full of spunk and kind. We have to teach our daughters that her beauty is more than just about her appearance, her whole person makes her beautiful.
4. There is no one standard of beauty.
This is something that needs to be instilled in our daughters early on and every single day. Our daughters are bombarded by a cultural standard of beauty that is impossible to attain. We need to be teaching our daughters that there is no one standard of beauty and they are beautiful just as they are.
5. Love is not instant and it is not all gumdrops and rainbows.
Love takes time. You do not fall in real love with someone when your eyes meet across a crowded room. Your interest might be piqued, and you may feel serious attraction to a person in a first meeting, but real, true love takes time. It requires getting to know a person for who they really are and being vulnerable to let him get to know you. Love is a daily choice, not a flighty emotion. I wake up every day and decide to love my husband, and some days that choice is easier than others. Love requires hard work and a serious commitment and sometimes love is not pleasant.
6. Love does not mean "happily ever after."
This point goes hand-in-hand with the previous point. Just because you are in love with someone does not mean that you will live happily ever after. Our daughters need to be told that the man she loves will disappoint her and he will let her down, and she will do the same to him. There will be times, in love, when our daughters will feel like giving up, and that is where our example as parents comes into play. Our daughters need to see that her parents struggle and get frustrated, but she also needs to see her parents work it out and make the effort. Our daughters will form her view of what love is really like by first watching us, the parents.
7. Drama is not an appropriate response.
Our daughters need to be taught how to handle disappointment from an early age. Our daughters need to hear us say no and then we need to teach them how to respond appropriately to that no. My 3 year old daughter does not like being told no, and she often times will throw quite the fit when she does not get the answer she wants. When my little princess goes into drama mode, she is sent to her room until she can respond appropriately. Once she has calmed down, she can come out and we can talk. I tell her very clearly when I send her to her room that this behavior is not okay and it will not be tolerated. Our daughters need to learn early that life is not about getting everything we want and sometimes life is not fair. Throwing yourself down on the floor and sobbing will get you nothing in life.
8. God did not create you to be a helpless damsel in distress.
I am a strong supporter of gender roles, which is another topic for another time, however, I do not believe that this means our daughters should not know how to take care of themselves. I believe that girls should know how to change a flat tire, swing a hammer, and unclog a toilet. There is no guarantee that a man will always be around to "rescue" our daughters. Our daughters need to be told that they are smart and strong and capable of "rescuing" themselves.
9. Obsession is not romantic.
So often, love in the movies is portrayed with one or both of the people involved being completely obsessed with the other. Take Ariel for example, she is so obsessed with Prince Eric that she is willing to give up her family and possibly her life for the chance to be with him. Prince Eric is so obsessed with the mystery girl who saved him, that he is oblivious to the fact she is standing in front of him. Our daughters need to be taught that being obsessed with a guy does show her passion and true devotion to him, it shows she is a stalker. Romance is not stifling, obsession is. Obsession leads to distrust, loneliness, and a whole lot of drama. Teach your daughter the difference between obsession and romance.
10. Fairy tales are just that, tales.
Our daughters need to be able to distinguish between reality and fantasy. Fairy tales are fantasy and they do not exist in the real world. Yes, there are beautiful loves stories out there, but even the most wonderful couples have gone through tough times, and if they say it was all rainbows and roses, they are lying. Our daughters need to realize that Prince Charming is not perfect and that life doesn't work out like in the fairy tales. Once again, our example will speak volumes. We shouldn't shelter our daughters from real life, let them see the struggles and the mess and let them see how to handle it. Don't lie to our daughters and make them think life is a fairy tale.
We do not need to shelter our daughters from all the horrible lessons out there, we simply need to build a strong foundation for them to stand on so they will not be easily swayed.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Part One: What Lessons are the Disney Princesses Teaching Our Daughters
I am going to do a two part series on Disney princesses. In part one I am going to talk about some of the things that Disney princesses teach our daughters that can be detrimental and then in part two I am going to talk about the things we should be teaching our daughters in light of the Disney princesses.
Let me preface by saying, I love Disney princesses and Disney in general. I cannot even begin to count how many Disney movies we own. My kids love the Disney shows that are on Netflix. We are going to Disney World in February and we are super excited about it. My three year old daughter has many princess dress-up costumes and we watch at least one princess movie a day while her brother is at school. So this blog is not meant to be a call to boycott Disney movies or to plead with you to never let your daughters watch Disney princess movies. On the contrary, I simply want you to watch these movies with your daughter with your eyes open.
Movies can have a huge, subconscious impact on the way we see the world, especially when we are young. Often times we don't even realize that our worldview is being shaped by what we watch, but it is. I do not believe in sheltering my children to the point they never watch any television unless it is all about Jesus. I don't watch TV like that and I don't expect my children to watch TV like that. Also, I am not naive enough to believe that my children will never watch something questionable. Instead, my hope and prayer is to be in constant dialogue with my children so that when something questionable comes over our television, they have a strong foundation of Christ honoring to stand on.
For the purpose of this series, I am going to focus on the five "big" princesses: Snow White, Cinderella, Aurora (Sleeping Beauty), Ariel (The Little Mermaid), and Belle (Beauty and the Beast). I am going to be talking about some of the general things that I see across all five of these movies, and I am going to talk about two of these movies in particular.
Before I jump into the detrimental things that I see Disney princesses teaching my daughter, I want to talk about some of the good things I see in Disney princesses. Almost all of the Disney princesses are kind and compassionate and hard-working. You see young women who think of others and truly care about the feelings of those around them. They also work hard, even when the work is unfair.
I also see great examples of how to be respectful, even when the situation is less than desirable. Cinderella is never hateful towards her stepmother or stepsisters, even though she would be justified. Aurora is very unhappy about being a princess and not getting to see her boy from the woods again, yet she goes with the fairy godmothers and doesn't whine or complain. Belle is treated very poorly by the people in her village, yet she never lashes out at them or treats them with disrespect. This is a very important life lesson, that even when you don't like it, you still have to be respectful.
Finally, all of these movies portray marriage in a favorable light, which I truly appreciate. I believe in marriage and I do hope that my daughter will grow up to value marriage. All of these movies show a man and a woman fall in love and get married and then live life together. The traditional view of marriage is there and even glorified. This post is not about marriage and what is right and wrong and if you disagree with my stance, then fine, send me an email and we will talk. However, I appreciate that these movies portray marriage in a way that is in line with how Aaron and I wish to raise our children.
Now onto the not so great lessons these movies are teaching my daughter:
1. Beauty is something of great value and much of your worth lies in your looks.
Every single Disney princess has the flawless skin, big red lips, teeny tiny waists, and classic beauty. Not a one of the "big" Disney princess is awkward or has acne or is large, they are all in line with what society deems as beautiful. Also, many times throughout each of these movies the beauty of the princess is mentioned in regards to someone loving her for that beauty or being jealous of her for that beauty. Much of a princess' worth is found in her appearance. This a dangerous lesson.
2. Love at first sight.
This one aggravates me every time. Snow White is singing into a well, Prince Charming rides by and is automatically in love with her, without a word ever being spoken between them. Cinderella goes to a ball, Prince Charming sees her across the room, and they fall in love during their first dance. Aurora is singing in the forest, Prince Philip hears her, the sing and dance together for a little while and they are in love. Ariel sees Eric on his ship during his birthday party, they never speak and he never even sees her, yet she loves him. Belle is the only princess who actually spends some time with the prince before they fall in love. Love at first sight is not real and that initial infatuation definitely does not last. Love takes time and actually conversing with a person.
3. How a girl "in love" acts.
Another thing that really gets to me. I remember falling in love with my husband. Did I think about him a lot, sure. Did I smile when I thought of him, probably. But I did not float around, humming to myself, lost in a dream world. I did not forget how to act like a normal person or how to perform daily duties. Falling in love, while a great and wonderful feeling, does not mean you act like a person with absolutely no sense. Grown-ups fall in love and still have to be grown-ups, they can't just sit around singing and dreaming about their true love.
4. The DRAMA!
If you have ever watched a Disney princess movie you have seen at least one scene where the princess throws herself down onto a bed or a rock or a bench and sobs over the events of her life. Now I will grant Belle a little drama as her sobbing scene comes after agreeing to be the Beast's prisoner in exchange for the release of her father and she believes she will never see her father again. In that situation, I too would probably be a basket case. But in the other movies, the princess is just being dramatic. I have a three old daughter, and she has mastered the princess drama. If she doesn't get her chocolate milk the moment she wakes up, she will throw herself down on the floor and start to cry. These movies portray girls as hyper-emotional and they clearly have no control over themselves. Sweetheart, life is hard and sometimes life ain't fair, but you cannot throw a fit every time things don't go your way.
5. All you need is a husband to be happy.
In most of the Disney princess movies, the princess spends all of her downtime dreaming about her perfect man who will whisk her away and they will live happily every after. This is not the way it works, and this a hard lesson that I myself had to learn. Getting married to a wonderful guy does not necessarily mean you are going to be happy. Happiness takes work and happiness is fickle. If all you aspire to have in life is a husband, than your life will be very empty and probably not all that happy. There is nothing wrong with wanting to meet Mr. Right and get married and be a wife, the problem comes when the search for your husband becomes all-consuming and your identity is found in whether or not you got a man. Girls should have many dreams, not just finding Prince Charming.
Now that I have discussed some of the generalities I have seen in the Disney princess movies, I want to rant for a moment on one princess in particular: Ariel. Ariel is a selfish, egocentric brat. She is disobedient, and not because she is being mistreated or abused, but because she wants to be human, and even that is for selfish reasons. In her mind, humans have all the freedom they want and fathers don't reprimand their daughters (because discipline is bad) and if she becomes a human she will finally have everything she wants. She falls in love with a guy she has never met and justifies her blatant disrespect and disobedience of her father with the line, "but Daddy, I love him". Really, you love him, what's his last name? She is impulsive and makes naive, selfish choices just to get what she wants. Finally, she never really learns a lesson because in the end her father gives her everything she wants. With that being said, I do not forbid my daughter from watching The Little Mermaid. I do enjoy the music of The Little Mermaid and on the surface it is a cute movie, but I am very open in my comments that Ariel's behavior is not how my little princess should behave.
Before you start to think that I believe all Disney princesses are out to teach my daughter horrible lessons, I want to talk about Belle. We actually rewatched Beauty and the Beast yesterday, and I must say, she is now my favorite princess. While yes she is beautiful, she more than just a pretty face. She is smart and loves to read. She loves her father very much and is willing to defend and protect him, even at the risk of ridicule by the villagers. Belle does not just dream of having a husband; she wants adventure and to learn all she can, and if a guy comes along who shares in her dream, than cool. Most Disney princesses are portrayed as helpless damsels in distress, but not Belle, she is brave and willing to sacrifice her life to save her father and she is not afraid to stand up to the Beast. I love that this movie does not have a "love at first sight" moment. Mrs. Pots says, "love takes time," and we actually watch Belle and Beast spend time together, begin to simply like each other, and then fall in love. Finally I love how this movie shows that love sometimes means sacrifice. The Beast sacrifices his chance at being human again so that Belle can go be with her sick father. So while there are a few little things that I don't love, in all I think this movie is a great one to watch.
I know that for some of you I have burst your bubble on Disney princesses and others are thinking, well great I can never watch these movies again, but please do not despair. As I said earlier, my goal is not to have you stop watching Disney princess movies. In tomorrow's post I will talk about the lessons and values we should be instilling in our daughters, so that when they watch the Disney princess movies, they will have a strong foundation and not believe the lies they are being told.
Let me preface by saying, I love Disney princesses and Disney in general. I cannot even begin to count how many Disney movies we own. My kids love the Disney shows that are on Netflix. We are going to Disney World in February and we are super excited about it. My three year old daughter has many princess dress-up costumes and we watch at least one princess movie a day while her brother is at school. So this blog is not meant to be a call to boycott Disney movies or to plead with you to never let your daughters watch Disney princess movies. On the contrary, I simply want you to watch these movies with your daughter with your eyes open.
Movies can have a huge, subconscious impact on the way we see the world, especially when we are young. Often times we don't even realize that our worldview is being shaped by what we watch, but it is. I do not believe in sheltering my children to the point they never watch any television unless it is all about Jesus. I don't watch TV like that and I don't expect my children to watch TV like that. Also, I am not naive enough to believe that my children will never watch something questionable. Instead, my hope and prayer is to be in constant dialogue with my children so that when something questionable comes over our television, they have a strong foundation of Christ honoring to stand on.
For the purpose of this series, I am going to focus on the five "big" princesses: Snow White, Cinderella, Aurora (Sleeping Beauty), Ariel (The Little Mermaid), and Belle (Beauty and the Beast). I am going to be talking about some of the general things that I see across all five of these movies, and I am going to talk about two of these movies in particular.
Before I jump into the detrimental things that I see Disney princesses teaching my daughter, I want to talk about some of the good things I see in Disney princesses. Almost all of the Disney princesses are kind and compassionate and hard-working. You see young women who think of others and truly care about the feelings of those around them. They also work hard, even when the work is unfair.
I also see great examples of how to be respectful, even when the situation is less than desirable. Cinderella is never hateful towards her stepmother or stepsisters, even though she would be justified. Aurora is very unhappy about being a princess and not getting to see her boy from the woods again, yet she goes with the fairy godmothers and doesn't whine or complain. Belle is treated very poorly by the people in her village, yet she never lashes out at them or treats them with disrespect. This is a very important life lesson, that even when you don't like it, you still have to be respectful.
Finally, all of these movies portray marriage in a favorable light, which I truly appreciate. I believe in marriage and I do hope that my daughter will grow up to value marriage. All of these movies show a man and a woman fall in love and get married and then live life together. The traditional view of marriage is there and even glorified. This post is not about marriage and what is right and wrong and if you disagree with my stance, then fine, send me an email and we will talk. However, I appreciate that these movies portray marriage in a way that is in line with how Aaron and I wish to raise our children.
Now onto the not so great lessons these movies are teaching my daughter:
1. Beauty is something of great value and much of your worth lies in your looks.
Every single Disney princess has the flawless skin, big red lips, teeny tiny waists, and classic beauty. Not a one of the "big" Disney princess is awkward or has acne or is large, they are all in line with what society deems as beautiful. Also, many times throughout each of these movies the beauty of the princess is mentioned in regards to someone loving her for that beauty or being jealous of her for that beauty. Much of a princess' worth is found in her appearance. This a dangerous lesson.
2. Love at first sight.
This one aggravates me every time. Snow White is singing into a well, Prince Charming rides by and is automatically in love with her, without a word ever being spoken between them. Cinderella goes to a ball, Prince Charming sees her across the room, and they fall in love during their first dance. Aurora is singing in the forest, Prince Philip hears her, the sing and dance together for a little while and they are in love. Ariel sees Eric on his ship during his birthday party, they never speak and he never even sees her, yet she loves him. Belle is the only princess who actually spends some time with the prince before they fall in love. Love at first sight is not real and that initial infatuation definitely does not last. Love takes time and actually conversing with a person.
3. How a girl "in love" acts.
Another thing that really gets to me. I remember falling in love with my husband. Did I think about him a lot, sure. Did I smile when I thought of him, probably. But I did not float around, humming to myself, lost in a dream world. I did not forget how to act like a normal person or how to perform daily duties. Falling in love, while a great and wonderful feeling, does not mean you act like a person with absolutely no sense. Grown-ups fall in love and still have to be grown-ups, they can't just sit around singing and dreaming about their true love.
4. The DRAMA!
If you have ever watched a Disney princess movie you have seen at least one scene where the princess throws herself down onto a bed or a rock or a bench and sobs over the events of her life. Now I will grant Belle a little drama as her sobbing scene comes after agreeing to be the Beast's prisoner in exchange for the release of her father and she believes she will never see her father again. In that situation, I too would probably be a basket case. But in the other movies, the princess is just being dramatic. I have a three old daughter, and she has mastered the princess drama. If she doesn't get her chocolate milk the moment she wakes up, she will throw herself down on the floor and start to cry. These movies portray girls as hyper-emotional and they clearly have no control over themselves. Sweetheart, life is hard and sometimes life ain't fair, but you cannot throw a fit every time things don't go your way.
5. All you need is a husband to be happy.
In most of the Disney princess movies, the princess spends all of her downtime dreaming about her perfect man who will whisk her away and they will live happily every after. This is not the way it works, and this a hard lesson that I myself had to learn. Getting married to a wonderful guy does not necessarily mean you are going to be happy. Happiness takes work and happiness is fickle. If all you aspire to have in life is a husband, than your life will be very empty and probably not all that happy. There is nothing wrong with wanting to meet Mr. Right and get married and be a wife, the problem comes when the search for your husband becomes all-consuming and your identity is found in whether or not you got a man. Girls should have many dreams, not just finding Prince Charming.
Now that I have discussed some of the generalities I have seen in the Disney princess movies, I want to rant for a moment on one princess in particular: Ariel. Ariel is a selfish, egocentric brat. She is disobedient, and not because she is being mistreated or abused, but because she wants to be human, and even that is for selfish reasons. In her mind, humans have all the freedom they want and fathers don't reprimand their daughters (because discipline is bad) and if she becomes a human she will finally have everything she wants. She falls in love with a guy she has never met and justifies her blatant disrespect and disobedience of her father with the line, "but Daddy, I love him". Really, you love him, what's his last name? She is impulsive and makes naive, selfish choices just to get what she wants. Finally, she never really learns a lesson because in the end her father gives her everything she wants. With that being said, I do not forbid my daughter from watching The Little Mermaid. I do enjoy the music of The Little Mermaid and on the surface it is a cute movie, but I am very open in my comments that Ariel's behavior is not how my little princess should behave.
Before you start to think that I believe all Disney princesses are out to teach my daughter horrible lessons, I want to talk about Belle. We actually rewatched Beauty and the Beast yesterday, and I must say, she is now my favorite princess. While yes she is beautiful, she more than just a pretty face. She is smart and loves to read. She loves her father very much and is willing to defend and protect him, even at the risk of ridicule by the villagers. Belle does not just dream of having a husband; she wants adventure and to learn all she can, and if a guy comes along who shares in her dream, than cool. Most Disney princesses are portrayed as helpless damsels in distress, but not Belle, she is brave and willing to sacrifice her life to save her father and she is not afraid to stand up to the Beast. I love that this movie does not have a "love at first sight" moment. Mrs. Pots says, "love takes time," and we actually watch Belle and Beast spend time together, begin to simply like each other, and then fall in love. Finally I love how this movie shows that love sometimes means sacrifice. The Beast sacrifices his chance at being human again so that Belle can go be with her sick father. So while there are a few little things that I don't love, in all I think this movie is a great one to watch.
I know that for some of you I have burst your bubble on Disney princesses and others are thinking, well great I can never watch these movies again, but please do not despair. As I said earlier, my goal is not to have you stop watching Disney princess movies. In tomorrow's post I will talk about the lessons and values we should be instilling in our daughters, so that when they watch the Disney princess movies, they will have a strong foundation and not believe the lies they are being told.
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