There are days, today being one of them, when I really hate my body. Days when I avoid looking at myself in the mirror. Days when I feel like the most disgusting blob of a human being to walk the face of the earth. Days when I want to cry in the dressing room because the dress looks so awful on me. Days when I question my worth and value, especially to my husband. Days when I envy the bodies of women I know. Days when I hate my body.
I have struggled with body issues for most of my life. I think my body issues really became a struggle my freshman year in high school. It was around that time that people began to make comments about my weight. I remember being told at a doctor's appointment that I was overweight for my height, I believe at the time I was a little over 130 pounds and at a height of 5'5". My high school gym teacher used to grab the skin at the top of my arm and make comments about the fat there. I do not believe that his intention was to make me feel bad about myself, but instead to motivate a rather lazy girl to actually participate in gym class, but the damage was done. I also had my first serious boyfriend that year and he was not very nice to me and never made me feel pretty enough. It was around that time that I stopped eating lunch at school. I began to avoid meals whenever I could do it without being noticed. I never ate in front of my boyfriend for fear that he would think I was fat.
I have never been very skinny and I always felt that I never quite measured up in the beauty department. Yeah, I might be cute and sometimes even pretty, but not beautiful. My body has always been a little on the soft and mushy side and I have never considered myself to be a classic beauty. I have never been one for make up or doing my hair on a regular basis, and when I do dress up, I always feel awkward, like I am not worthy to be wearing such a cute outfit and that everyone can see that I am just a poser. When someone I found attractive felt the same about me, I was always shocked. I never felt like I was worthy of the really good looking guys, which is why I have always been amazed by the fact that my husband chose me. I have always felt like the one who "dated up" in the relationship, meaning that I was not the same caliber of attractive as my husband.
Even with the love of my husband, I still struggle with my body. I have carried two children in my womb, so my body bears the battle scars of those experiences. My body is much larger than it used to be and I do not think I would classify any part of my body as being toned. I have fluctuated in weight a lot over the past 5 years, since the birth of my son. My husband and I do not experience the same intense desire for each other that we did in our early years. Most of the time I am able to be logical and reasonable about the fact that most nights my husband and I are exhausted from life and just want to go to sleep instead of those other things married couples do. But there are days when I can't help but think destructive thoughts like, "of course my husband doesn't want me, I am disgusting, have you seen the way I look? Who would want that?" These are the days when I hate my body.
I wish I could say that as I have grown in my walk with Christ that I don't have nearly as many "I hate my body" days, but that is not true. I still have way too many days when I hate my body. In the past I have been really bad about bottling up those feelings and not letting my husband know when I am feeling especially gross and unattractive. Recently I have tried to be more honest with him, letting him know, "hey today is a bad day, I feel pretty ugly today." There are times though, where it seems to me that he gets frustrated with me and probably is thinking, "really, you are still dealing with that? why can't you just get over it." He wants to help and encourage me, but I think he doesn't really know how. Then I realized something this morning; I am still depending on my husband to make me feel good about myself. What a huge burden to put on him. My worth is not found in whether or not my husband thinks I'm a sexy mama. My worth is in Christ. So today I decided to make a change. Instead of wallowing in my self-hate and hoping my husband would do something nice for me to make me feel better, I went to Scripture. In my prayer journal I poured out my heart to my heavenly Father and then I went to his word to find Scripture to meditate on when the days are bad.
Genesis 1:27-"So God made man in his own image, in the image of God he made him; male and female he made them."
I am made in the image of God. This is not some sweet sentiment that should be glossed over. This is valuable truth that should speak to my soul. I am valuable and precious to God, not because I am pretty or did anything of worth, but simply because God made me, in his image. I am his daughter and he delights in me.
Psalm 139:13-14- "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."
I am not an accident or a coincidence. God took great care in forming me. He knitted me together. I don't know what you know about knitting, but I have watched my friend knit many a project and knitting is very personal. Knitting is a hands-on experience that takes time and effort and great care and skill. God took that time and care to form me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made by an expert creator. I am beautiful because my God made me.
Proverbs 31:30- "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
All of our physical qualities are fleeting and momentary. Being a supermodel will not gain me God's favor. The only way I am accepted by God is through the death of his son Jesus. When I seek after Christ and bring glory to God, then I am chasing after things that matter. When I enter into eternity with Christ, it won't matter how many people thought I was pretty, all that will matter is that I am identified by Christ's atoning blood.
Isaiah 64:8- "But now, O Lord, you are our Father, we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand."
Again, I am created lovingly by God. He did not make a mistake when he made me.
1 Peter 3:3-4- "Do not let your adorning be external-the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear-but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."
God does not care if I am up on the latest fashion, or if my hair is in a ponytail for the 15th day in a row, or if I am wearing make-up or jewelry. God wants me to seek after him, know him more, and bring honor and glory to his name. When I am filled with the Spirit and walking in the light of Jesus, then I am precious to God. When I am identified with Christ, then I am precious in God's sight because I am his child.
Today I may hate my body, but today I am making a change. Today I am not going to depend on man to build up my self-worth. Today I am going to meditate on the words of my heavenly Father. Today I am going to remember that I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of my most talented Creator. Today I am going to remember, that this world and this body are temporary and I should be focused on things of heaven. Today I am going to remember that my identity is in the precious blood of Christ, not in my appearance. Today I am going to seek after Christ and not beauty.
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