Lately, I have been dealing with several heart issues. As I grow in my faith and get closer to the cross, the more I am realizing my sin and just how deceitful my heart can be. As I shared earlier this week, there are days when I hate my body. It seems as if God is really try to grow me in this particular area because I have been in several situations over the past week in which this topic has come up. Last night, I was in a setting where I was asked to share a heart issue with a small group and I chose to share my issues with my body. One person in the group posed a very insightful question; "do I believe God is sovereign over me?"
Wow! Talk about really getting at the heart of an issue. As I sat there pondering this question, I realized just how much I doubt God's sovereignty over my life. I have no problem believing and trusting that God is sovereign over the universe, this actually brings me great comfort. However, when it comes to little ole me, I am not as confident in God's sovereignty. I believe this a two-fold problem. On the one hand, I don't really believe that I am important enough or of enough value for God to be bothered with me. I mean God is in control of the universe, there are much bigger issues to deal with than being sovereign over the life of one Lisa Tant. I don't always believe that I warrant that kind of attention.
However, there is a part of me that doubts the sovereignty of a God who would make someone who looked like me. I fall into the terrible pattern, as many of us do, of comparing myself to other women. I look at the women around me who are always put together and skinny and attractive and then I look at myself and I despair. I think thoughts like, "if God really was sovereign, then what was he thinking when he made me. He obviously could have done a better job." These destructive thoughts keep me from trusting that God is sovereign over my life.
My doubts with God's sovereignty are not limited to my feelings about my appearance. I have a great desire to be in control, especially in my home. I want things to go a certain way and there are times when I believe my plans are much better than anything God could come up with. There are times when we are experiencing financial struggles and I doubt whether God is really in control. When I have faced trials of sick loved ones or just trials of parenting, I don't trust that God has a plan or that he is good or that he even cares.
In the past, when it comes to heart issues I responded in one of two ways. Usually I would just bottle up my emotions and pretend like they did not exist. But sometimes, the emotions would come out and I would end up sharing my struggles with someone. During these times I would look to man to make me feel better and build me up or I would rely on my own miniscule knowledge of God to reassure myself. The one thing I have never really done, is go to God's word for comfort. I have never been one to memorize or meditate on Scripture. I just assumed that I had a good grasp on who God is and what others had told me the Bible says and that was enough. How wrong I was.
I am beginning to realize that I am barely scratching the surface when it comes to knowledge of God and if I am to truly trust God, then I have to know what God says. Thus the shift that I am trying to make through the power of the Holy Spirit. During my time alone with God, I am spending some days pouring out my heart to my heavenly Father in prayer and then I am searching Scripture for God's words that speak to my current heart issue. I am going to God, not man, to reassure me of my worth and value. As I was searching out Scripture for passages on God's sovereignty over my life, I came across some helpful Scripture that I would like to share.
Psalm 37:23-24 "The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand."
Every step I take has been established by God, there is nothing I do that is a surprise to him. God is holding my hand as I walk along to keep me from falling on my face. When I am seeking after God, then I am also holding his hand.
Psalm 135:6 "Whatever the Lord pleases, he does, in heaven and on earth, in the seas and all deeps."
The Lord does whatever he pleases, and that includes making me. When God made me, he was pleased with what he had made. God was not disgusted or disappointed, he was pleased.
Matthew 6:25-34, but focusing on verse 26 "Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?"
This is a word that I need to hear regularly. Man is the only part of creation that was created in the image of God-man is special; I am special. God takes great care of all his creation, so why should I doubt that he would take great care of me, the part of creation that he specially created in his image?
Finally Psalm 139 (all of it); but focusing on verses 1-2, 4, 7, and 15-16
"O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar...Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether...Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?...My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."
God knows me, even better than I know me. He is aware of every moment of every day of my life. Before I can even think a thought, God knows it and holds it together. There is nowhere I can go where God is not also. I was not a secret or created apart from God's intricate design. He knew me before I was formed. He knew how many days I would be given before I was ever conceived. God is sovereign over every aspect of me life.
I share this today not to present myself as someone who has it all figured out. That is far from accurate. I struggle, every day with trusting God's sovereignty. I share this to hopefully encourage someone else who might also be struggling with trusting that God is sovereign over his or her life. I share this to let you know that you are not alone. Our struggles can be very isolating and we often feel very alone in our despair. I am telling you that you are not alone. There are many of us who are experiencing the same struggle. Finally, I am sharing this to be held accountable. I need to be reminded on my days of doubt and despair to run to Scripture. I need to be asked daily if I have meditated on the words of my heavenly Father. I need to be prompted every day to seek my comfort from God, not man. I have to remember that God is not done with me yet.
Philippians 1:6 "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."
Great words, friend. Thank you.
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