When My World Falls Apart, God Is Still on the Throne

  God is good, even in the midst of tragedy and suffering. This truth has become real to me in a profound way this week. God is never taken by surprise. This truth has brought me unbelievable comfort over the past few days.
    On Tuesday evening I heard the devastating news that my youngest sister had died. My sister, Lyn, was only 20 years old. Lyn suffered from Type 1 Diabetes and heart disease along with several other medical conditions. Her death was the result of complications from these things.

The last time we were all together: Mandy, me, and Lyn.

   This week I have felt a wide range of emotions.

   I have felt devastation as I sobbed in the car after hearing the news. My sister was so young and her death was preventable.

   I have felt helpless in the wake of her death when I could not be with my family immediately. I live 6 hours away in another state and much of the responsibilities fell to my dad and middle sister, Mandy.

   I have felt deep sadness. My relationship with Lyn was strained and distant. We had spoken only a few times in the past months and I had not seen her since Christmas. I am saddened that the reconciliation that I had prayed for will never happen.

   I have felt sickening heartache. When I think about all the things that my sister will not get to do, get engaged, get married, have kids, etc, my heart simply breaks. When I think about her final days on this earth, very sick and alone and most likely scared, I am grieved beyond words. 

   I have felt anger. I am angry at my sister for not taking better care of herself. I am angry at myself for not reaching out to her more and for not being more gracious towards her. I am angry at the seemingly unfairness of it all. I am angry at people who are insensitive to our family's grief.

    I have felt overwhelmed. Today, my first day back home since my sister's death, has been incredibly overwhelming. It is becoming real as I see firsthand that the world has not stopped turning. Honestly, I did not want to get out of bed today. Facing the world has seemed just too much.

    My emotions are all over the place, as you can see, but I take great comfort in knowing that God is still seated on the throne while my world seems to be falling apart. 

    This is not the first death that has rocked my world, and I know that it will not be the last, but I can honestly say that this is the first time I have not been angry at God. This is the first time that I have had peace underneath all my other emotions. This is the first time that the knowledge of God being in control and not surprised has actually brought me comfort.

    My sister's death was sudden and none of us were prepared for it. We were surprised, but God was not. Before the beginning of time, God ordained the exact moment when my sister would die, and while he hurt with my family, he was not surprised by her death. God is still sovereign and in control and there is amazing comfort in that fact. I don't understand why God chose last Monday to be Lyn's final day on this earth, but I don't need to understand. I know that this all works to his glory and is all part of his plan.

   My world may feel as if it is falling apart, but God is still on his throne. This did not catch him off guard or throw him for a loop. He is not scrambling around trying to come up with a Plan B. God is in control and nothing has happened apart from his knowledge or his ordination. That is the greatest comfort of all.

   Pray for my family as we face life without Lyn. She takes a part of us with her and we will never be the same. I am forever thankful for the years she was my sister and I will miss her every day.