What You May Not Realize About People in Grief

 

 Image courtesy of Sira Anamwong at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

    A month ago my 20 year-old sister died suddenly and unexpectedly from complications of diabetes and heart disease. This has been one of the most difficult months of my life as I have only just begun to process my grief and I as learn to accept this new reality in which my sister is not here. One thing that I have learned is that when you experience a significant loss, grief sometimes seeps into every aspect of your life.
   Grief takes on many forms as you process it, or as it is more popularly stated, it has many stages. People who are dealing with loss typically go through these five stages: Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I have written before on the all consuming anger of grief, but today I want to share some things about a person dealing with grief that you may not realize.
 
Sometimes they are just sad. I like to think of myself as a pretty happy person. I like to joke around and smile and laugh. Most of the time I have a positive and cheery demeanor about me. But since my sister's death, I have noticed that there are days when I am just sad. I don't smile as much, I don't laugh as easily, and I feel just down. Sometimes I don't realize right away why I am sad; it actually takes me a while to remember, oh yeah, my sister died. Sadness is just a part of the game when dealing with grief and asking a grieving person what's wrong is not helpful, because sometimes we don't know what's wrong. When you come across a grieving person who is sad, offering them a smile and hug and lifting a silent prayer goes a long way.

They feel guilty for not being sad. I have two amazing kids and a fantastic husband and pretty spectacular friends. In the past month I have taken my kiddos on field trips and trick-or-treating, I have been on amazing dates with my husband, and I have laughed and carried on with my friends. There have been some amazing moments in the past month that have brought me great joy. Those moments have joy have also brought me moments of guilt because in those moments I am not really missing my sister. I have had thoughts like, "how can I be so happy when my sister just died?" and "what kind of person am I for not missing my sister every moment?" I know that these are not healthy thoughts, and thankfully by God' grace, my guilt is normally short lived, but it is still there. People who are grieving are naturally going to feel guilt at times, it is just a part of the process. In those moments, remind them that the best way to honor their loved ones memory is to live life to the fullest and also that their joy does not in any way diminish their sadness.

Sometimes they just want to be alone. When someone you love is grieving, you want to help them in any way you can. You may think that they never need to be alone so that the sadness does not overwhelm them, but sometimes being alone in our grief is a good thing. There are times when the loss of my sister is a sharp sadness that knocks me backwards. On those days I don't want to be around a bunch of people and honestly I just want to stay in bed and hide from the world. I may be wrong, but I feel this is a healthy part of the grieving process. Being alone allows me to really feel my emotions without feeling like I have to put up a front for others. Understand that the desire to be alone is normal, and that unless it becomes an all day, everyday thing, people in grief to be given the space to be alone. When your loved one wants to be alone, let them, and pray hard for them, as they are more than likely dealing with heavy emotions.

Sometimes they just want a shoulder to cry on. Tears are a normal part of the grieving process and they should be allowed to flow freely and as often as necessary. When the tears are falling, we don't need words or advice or for you to fix it, we simply need for you to be there, offering a hug, a shoulder, and tissues. Crying is cathartic and not a sign that something is broken, it is simply a sign that someone is hurting.

They are more sensitive to criticism and arguments. My husband and I are both passionate, emotional, stubborn people and we do not always agree on everything. Our personalities lead to arguments and fights and stretches of silent passive aggressiveness. However, since my sister died, when my husband and I disagree, I don't get mad, I break down sobbing and have anxiety attacks. I am much more sensitive than I was a month ago. This is not to say that you should walk on egg shells around someone who is grieving or that you should not criticize them or get into arguments with them, just know that they may not respond as they normally would to those things. When I am breaking down emotionally, I don't care if my husband and I are in a fight, he is still the one I want holding me as I sob. Be sensitive to the emotional roller coaster we are feeling and love us through it.

Talking about what happened is not easy.  I have spoken about this a little in a previous blog post, but I want to touch on it again. People are naturally curious and when something tragic happens to someone they care about, they want to know details. It is not easy to talk about what happened to my sister. When I have to rehash the circumstances around her death, it is like reopening a wound. My suggestion is to not bring up what happened unless we do. This may not work for every grieving person, but it is what works for me. When I want to talk, I will, don't push the subject.

Don't be surprised that they are still upset. This one is subtle and you may not even realize that you are doing it. I have some friends that I see weekly and they ask me every week how I'm doing. I can see in their eyes that they want my answer to be, "I'm doing great," but that just isn't the case normally. I consider it a good day if I am doing ok. When I respond that I am just ok, these well meaning friends will become very concerned and hug me and ask me what they can do to help me. Grief is not a short process, so don't be surprised when weeks after the loss, we are still upset and having "ok" days. Remember that there is no timeline to grief and allow us to still be sad or upset.

    Grief is an ugly monster that cannot be rushed or worked through like a 5-step program. It is hard to watch someone you love work through grief and it can leave you feeling helpless. You may want to jump in and fix it or help them work through their grief effectively and quickly. but that is what we need. We need the chance to be in our grief and feel our emotions on our own timetable. The best thing you can do for someone in grief is to walk with them in their grief, love them, pray for them, and encourage them. It means so much when someone reminds me to not rush my grief or that it's ok to be sad because grief takes time.