Silent No More

 

Image courtesy of Witthaya Phonsawat at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

     It has been a long time since I have written anything. In fact my last post was on November 11, 2014. Over the past couple of days I have been reading back through my old posts and realized that all of them had hope and pointed to Christ. I think the reason I haven't written is because over the past few months I have lost my hope. I have stopped looking to Christ as my comfort. I have let fear and shame and sadness silence me. I have been hiding my pain, but no more. Today I reclaim my voice and I share the ugly truth.
     About a month ago I was on my way to church and I was angry. Aaron and I had had yet another argument and I had stormed out. I was mad at life and like I so often do when I am alone in the car, I started talking to myself. My youngest sister, who passed away in October, was heavy on mind and heart and I began thinking that maybe I was not processing my grief well and that was manifesting itself in anger at everyone and everything.
     At church I ran into the wife of one of our elders, she and her husband head up the counseling ministry as a matter of fact. I realized in that moment that God had intervened and put me in the same space as the person who could help me. I basically stalked this woman until she and I could have a few moments alone. I shared with her some of the things that were plaguing my soul and she shared with me the steps I needed to take to receive Gospel Care and she prayed with me. Later that night she touched base with me again and we agreed that I would go through Gospel Care with our church's family pastor since I had been serving in the children's ministry for years.
    It took a few weeks but schedules finally worked out and two Saturdays ago, our family pastor, Aaron, and I meet for our first session. I went into this meeting thinking that I would be working through grief, but realized that there was so much more going on.
    My pastor shared that anger is a surface level emotion and that there is something deeper going on. Anger is easier than actually dealing with the real emotion. We spent this first meeting trying to determine what is going on deep in my soul. I shared with my pastor and my husband how I feel alone and like I shouldn't be sad about my sister since we didn't have a strong relationship and how I have irrational fears. I have actually shared about my fears and anxieties on the blog before. However, before that day I never realized just how far back my fears go.
     As we were talking I realized that my irrational fears go back to my childhood. I was a cautious kid who thought about the consequences before doing anything. I was a rule-follower to a fault. In fact, to this day I don't like The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss because the Cat was not supposed to be there and the kids did things they weren't supposed to do. My pastor asked me if I would ever tell anyone when I was afraid as a child and said, "not really, I would usually isolate myself in my room. I didn't tell my parents because I didn't want to add a burden to them." As we talked I also realized that I didn't share my fear because I was ashamed, I didn't want to be seen as weak or wrong or broken. I didn't want to make waves, so I buried my pain and I isolated myself. I'm pretty sure that my parents to this day don't know how often I was afraid as I child, sorry Mom and Dad. I don't fault my parents AT ALL, I am pretty good at hiding.
     I walked away from that meeting realizing that I get angry when I feel I am losing control, which I know is an illusion to begin with. I admitted to myself and my husband that I have irrational, exaggerated fears that at times can paralyze me. There are many things I don't even try or give up on almost immediately for fear of failing. I also realized that I have exaggerated shame. Because I never felt like I could share my fears or pain or failings, my shame became exaggerated. The hardest part was admitting that I don't trust Christ. I am Christian and I know all the right answers, I know that when I am afraid I should remember that God is in control, but I don't. Before this week, it had been a very long time since I had opened my Bible to have a quiet time. I was retreating from the Lord and I had stopped trusting that he could handle my life.
    As much as I hate to admit it, I struggle with depression and irrationality. I have seen this in very vivid ways this week. When I make a mistake, instead of learning from that mistake and growing, I spiral down into a self-loathing pit where I think, "I am screw-up and I am ruining my husband's life, he would be better off without me, it would be better if I was invisible." Having a clean house matters to my husband and this week I have been trying to make a more conscious effort to clean. However, I feel like a child because I once I clean something I immediately have to tell him what I did. I feel like I am jumping up and down saying, "look at me, look what I did, I am of value." I am so desperate for his affirmation that I sometimes force the issue.
     I have also seen this week how contradictory my behavior is to what I actually want from people. I pull away and isolate myself, yet I don't want to be alone. I act cold towards my husband when what I want most is for him to pull me in. I hide away my pain for fear of disapproval when what I want most is someone to step in to my darkness and see what is really there. I make myself invisible when all I want is to be seen and known.
     This morning we started a sermon series at church about feelings and we started the series off by talking about sadness and working through Psalm 77. Before our pastor began preaching the text he talked about the factors that cause sadness. There are situational factors, like losing a loved one or losing a job, there are physical factors, like stress and fatigue, and then there is clinical depression. As he was talking about clinical depression I realized for the first time that I am mostly afraid that one day I am going to be diagnosed with a mental illness. Mental illness runs in my family and the odds that I too have a mental illness are actually strong. I am afraid that I am crazy.
     I write this because I don't want to hide anymore. I no longer want to let my fear choke me and silence my voice. I no longer want my shame to paralyze me. I don't want to be invisible any longer, I want to be seen and known for all I am, even the ugly parts. I don't want to hide my pain and pretend that everything is okay. I want to trust that Christ does understand where I am and that he is in the midst of my darkness. I want to run to my Father instead of retreating into myself.
     There will be no Bible verses to end this post. I will not be sharing ways to love well a person struggling with the junk I struggle with. This is the beginning of my journey and I hope that you will come along with me. At times my journey will be dark and ugly, but there will also be times of joy and hope. My goal is to use this blog as a way to reclaim my voice. I have suffered in silence for too long, it is time to speak up and as my family pastor said, "make waves." Finally pray for me as I make this journey. Pray for my husband to have patience and understanding as he takes this journey with me. Pray for my kids that they will be able to see and learn how to deal with emotions in a healthy way through my journey. Pray for the people who are helping me along the way that God will use them to speak truth to my soul.

Bird's Nests, Fear, Provisions, and Trust

    Last week was absolutely crazy at our house. Early in the week I began hearing what sounded like birds chirping in our attic, but I really only heard it in the mornings and when I would go upstairs to investigate, the chirping kind of stopped. On Wednesday evening, I mentioned it to my husband and we both heard a little chirping before we put our son to bed, but didn't think much of it.
    Thursday morning, I sat down in the living room and heard what sounded like something falling behind the curtain on the office window. Thinking my 3 year old daughter had been playing in there and left something on the window sill, I sent her in to see what it was. The next thing I know my precious daughter comes running back to the couch screaming, "It's a bird! It's a bird!" (I know Mom of the Year Award goes to me).
     My first thought was to get the kids out of the house and then go get my neighbor to help me. We started to go out the front door and the bird started flying towards us, so out the back door we went. My neighbor was not home, so I called my husband who was able to leave work an hour later to come home and deal with the bird situation.
      We discovered that afternoon that we not only had a bird in house, we had a FAMILY of birds in our attic.To give a little explanation, our home has a finished attic with two rooms, which are perfect for our kids bedrooms. My son's room has been completely remodeled, but my daughter's room has only been demoed, which means there are no walls and the birds were able to freely move about the room. My husband and I even got to watch one of the baby birds hop around the room before hopping back to the nest. We knew then that this was more than we could handle.
       I like to think that my husband and I are pretty humane people, so we knew we did not want to kill the birds. We called around to several animal removal places for assistance. Pretty much everyone we called could not come out until the following day, which was worrisome to say the least, but we finally found one guy who was willing to come out late that afternoon.
      The wonderful man came out to our house and did a thorough inspection identifying 3 or 4 holes in the exterior of our home through which all sorts of fun wild life could enter. The guy told us that he would be able to remove the birds and the nest, fix up the holes (although not until the next week) and spray a special cleaner that would get rid of any germs the birds might have brought in along with taking care of the bird mites that had begun to form. This was exactly the assurance we needed, until he informed us of that all of this would cost us just $2 shy of $1000.
      I am not ashamed to say that I felt physically ill at that point. We did not have an extra $1000 lying around, heck we did not have $1000 at all. Thankfully we were able to split it up into 2 payments, paying half that day and the rest when the job was done. We knew that we had to at least get the birds out and the mites taken care of that day and we agreed to deal with the holes in the house for a week until we could get paid and get the guy back out to the house.
     Later that evening, I made the comment about going to the store to pick up a few things when my husband informed me that there was no money. He had already paid several bills that morning and the $500 we had to pay for the bird removal would completely wipe out our bank account. As I stood in our kitchen staring at our very empty shelves, fear set in. I took a silent inventory of the food we had in the house: a partial box of rice, a box of mac and cheese, a can of corn and two cans of whole potatoes, a box of cereal, some chicken nuggets, and a partial package of hot dogs. That was it, there was no other food.
      It felt like I was punched in the gut as I realized I did not have enough food to feed my kids for the week. I went into the bathroom and had a full on meltdown. I sobbed for several minutes and hyperventilated as the fear fully set in. I cannot remember a time that I have been so afraid. We have been in tight financial situations before, but there was always something there: a little bit of money in the savings, a visit from family that would result in extra money being left on the table, something. This time, there was nothing.
      I went to bed that night still afraid and feeling very dejected. The next morning, I simply did not want to get out of bed. Everything just seemed too much to handle. I was not trusting God and I was afraid.
      The kids and I ended up spending the day at the seminary where my husband manages a coffee shop due to Mama Bird still flying around some. The hubby and I were very transparent with our friends, telling them exactly what was going on and just how much money we were having to pay. Several people offered us encouragement and prayed with us. One of the many benefits of working on a seminary is that everyone puts you to the only real provider, God!
       Over the next 48 hours God showed up for us in really big ways. We found an envelope with $300 on the windshield of our car that afternoon. The next day, a friend and I were talking about all that happened and how we were having to deal with the Mama Bird still flying in because of having to wait for payday to patch the holes. This friend without missing a beat, offered to lend us $500 so we could get the holes taken care of sooner. Then another friend completely took us by surprise by giving us another $100. Needless to say there have been a lot of tears of joy and repentance over the last few days.
      I don't trust God like I should. When things are going good, I can talk about all the times that God has shown up and provided in the past, but when the circumstances get tough, I cannot seem to recall those times. I don't believe that God is going to show up this time, even though he has never failed me in the past. I believe that I am in control and when God reminds me that I am not, I get upset and throw a tantrum like a toddler. I think I am strong, and when God reveals my weakness, I fight back and get mad.
     Yesterday at church we began a 14 week series studying revivals in the Old Testament. The first sermon was about Hannah in 1 Samuel. Our pastor said something that was really profound and kind of hit me in the gut.

     "God uses brokenness as a building block for Revival. God doesn't meet us when we put our best foot forward-he meets us in the midst of our weakness." Daniel Montgomery

     Daniel spoke on how the pattern for revival is the same throughout the Bible: humble yourself before the Lord. My husband looked over at me and asked, "is that what is going on with us right now?" We are not a very humble couple. In fact, we take pride in our ability to scheme and provide for our family and we like to believe that we are in control. We are not good at being transparent with our community and being honest and humble about our struggles. It is hard for us, especially me, to remember that everything we have comes from God. I can speak the truth to others and even be moved by a song that calls me to remember all I have is Christ, but deep down I don't believe it.
     It is amazing the things God can use to teach us more about himself. For me, he used a bird nest and a creepy Mama Bird flying around my  house to show me that he is trustworthy. God is showing me my weakness so that I will humble myself before him. God is meeting me in the midst of my chaos and feelings of incompetence and fear and showing me how incomparable and trustworthy he truly is.

Looking Beyond Current Circumstance to Remember Past Provision

    Some of you already know that our family has hit on some difficult times in the last couple of weeks. Two weeks ago my husband's car was involved in 3 wrecks in 5 days and we spent several days just seeking after God in the midst of our chaos. Then last week we went down to one car as we are waiting to get tags put on the car my amazing father-in-law so graciously gave us. This means we all have to get up before 6 am, load up the car, drive my husband to work, drive home and then pick him up again at the end of the work day. On top of that, my car needed a new tire two weekends ago and this past weekend in addition to a standard oil change, we had to replace the brake pads and rotors on my car. To make things even more challenging, last week was spring break which means I did not nanny, and this week the little boy I watch has been sick, so I have only watched him one day. No nanny job means no paycheck for me.
    Suffice it to say, we are experiencing a time of trial. I share this not to get your pity or even to complain about how horrible my life is. I share this because so often I allow my struggles to isolate me. The enemy feeds us the lie that we are alone in our struggles and there is no one else out there who will understand. The enemy wants to deter us from seeking out our God and remembering the truths of Scripture. The enemy wants to distract us with our current circumstance so that we won't remember God's past provisions.
     God has shown up in real and profound ways time and time again. When we first moved to Louisville back in 2009, we came totally on faith. We had no jobs, no place to live, and no real savings. We simply knew that God had called Aaron to Southern Baptist Seminary and we were going to follow that call. Within a matter of days of being in Louisville, my husband was giving a job at the seminary's dining hall, which would turn into a full-time manager position  years later and provide meals many times over the years. We found a small apartment that more than met our needs. During those first few months though, money was very tight. I distinctly remember one day when I had to go buy groceries. We only had about $20 in our account so I was making a list of the absolute essentials we needed to feed our son. Before I went to the store, I walked down and checked our mailbox. Inside was a letter from someone back home with a check for $100. I ran up the stairs to our apartment and showed my husband. That check meant we could buy food we actually wanted, not just what we needed. God provided!
     My God is a great God who has promised to take care of me and my family and my God can be trusted to keep his promises. Today I spent some time in God's word seeking out some Scripture to remind me of this truth. I want to share a few of the verses that really hit home with me.

    Psalm 18:30 - "This God-his way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him."
    - I serve a perfect God and his word is proven true time and time again! Hallelujah!

    Psalm 111:4-5 - "He has caused his wondrous works to be remembered; the Lord is gracious and merciful. He provides food for those who fear him; he remembers his covenant forever."
     - My God has always been faithful and he will continue to be. When I face struggles, I need to remember all his wondrous works. Pray that God will remind you of all he has done for you!

    Philippians 4:6 - "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God."
    - Often I do not give voice to my requests. Sometimes I believe I am being selfish or that God has more important things to deal with, but this verse shatters that lie. I am told to make my requests known to God, not because he doesn't already know, but because part of the process of letting go of anxiety is knowing that you have given it to God. When I give voice to my requests, I can let them go and trust in my God to fulfill my needs

    Philippians 4:19 - "And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus."
    - My God has promised to supply my needs-I need to cling to that promise!

    The past couple of days, I have struggled with trusting God completely to provide and care for us. I had reached my natural capacity for trust. So this morning I am asking for a supernatural capacity for trust. I am getting in my God's face with his word, begging him to keep his promises and to give me the strength to remember and trust!

I Would Have Been a Pharisee!

        When you read the Bible, especially the New Testament, it is pretty clear who the bad guys are, besides, you know, Satan. The bad guys are clearly the Pharisees and the religious leaders of the day. They are the ones who are threatened by Jesus, they are the ones who constantly doubt and question Jesus, and they are the ones who orchestrate his death on the cross (at least they think they orchestrate it).
        Christians today have the beautiful privilege of reading the magnificent story of the Bible, already knowing the outcome. We get to read the story in hindsight, seeing how everything pans out from beginning to end. We have the bird's eye view of seeing all the parts come together; we know the plan and we get to see it play out.
         I have heard people say that believing in Jesus must have been so much easier for the disciples because they got to touch him and see him in the flesh, they were able to talk to him face-to-face everyday for three years. Belief would have been so much easier back then.
          This year I have been, at times very slowly, studying the book of John. Our church has spent the better part of a year preaching through the gospel of John, and I decided that I would also study the book during my daily time alone with God. As I have been reading and journaling through this beautiful gospel book, I have been trying to imagine myself in the moment described. I am trying to not just look at it from my perspective, but also trying to put myself in the shoes of those present. Something that I have come to realize is that I would have been one of the Pharisees, one of the skeptics; I would have been a bad guy.
         You see, I know my personality. I am jaded and at times very skeptical of things. If someone were to tell me of a miracle today, my initial reaction would be skepticism and doubt. If I were standing in a synagogue listening to a carpenter's son claim to be not only the Son of God, but God himself, I would have thought he was looney toons. I would more than likely have been one of the good girls who knew the rules and tried my hardest to follow them and I would have looked down on Jesus because he didn't follow the rules. I would have believed with all my heart everything I had been taught by the religious leaders and I would not have been easily swayed.
         We don't like to think that we would have been one of the bad guys in the narrative of the life of Jesus. We like to believe that we would have been one of the chosen twelve, or at the very least one of his devoted followers. But look at the disciples, they did not fully understand or even fully believe that Jesus was in fact God. My husband and I were talking about this on our long ride home from NC yesterday and he told me that during the time of Jesus there were many "Messiahs". Many men had come along claiming to be the Messiah the prophets were talking about.
        In Acts 5, Peter and some of the other apostles had been put into prison for claiming the Jesus was the risen Son of God. Later that night an angel of the Lord appears, opens the doors of the prison and tells the apostles to go and stand in the temple and speak to the people. As you can imagine the high priests were not too happy about this situation. The apostles are brought before a council and the things they speak make the council so mad that many wanted to kill the apostles. But in verses 35-39 a Pharisee named Gamaliel, a man of great honor and respect, stands up and says:
   
       "Men of Israel, take care what you are about to do with these men. For before before these days Theudas rose up, claiming to be somebody, and a number of men, about four hundred, joined him. He was killed, and all who followed him were dispersed and came to nothing. After him Judas the Galilean rose up in the days of the census and drew away some of the people after him. He too perished, and all who followed him were scattered. So in the present case I tell you, keep away from these men and let them alone, for if this plan or this undertaking is of man, it will fail; but if it is of God, you will not be to overthrow them. You might even be found opposing God!"

        Gamaliel lists off two men who developed great followings prior to Jesus and you get the impression that there were many more. Had I been a Jew during this time, my skepticism would have said, "he's just another crazy guy claiming to be something he's not." I would not have believed in Jesus.
         Praise God for his grace in allowing me to be born now when I can look at the whole story and see the truth from an outside perspective. Belief and faith in Jesus is a hard thing, no matter when you live. We like to think it would have been easier to physically see Jesus, but that's not true. It was just as hard then as it is now to believe that Jesus is the Son of God. However, believe it I do. If it was easy, everyone would do it :).

          "Enter by the narrow gate. For the fate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few." Matthew 7:13-14

         It may not be easy to trust in Jesus, but trusting in him leads to the greatest reward!

Seeing God in The Midst of Chaos

   This has been a week of great vehicular chaos for my family, and especially my poor husband.

• On Friday night, a little after midnight, someone was leaving the house across the street and backed into my husband's car (which was parked in the ditch in front of our house) leaving two huge dents in the side. When my husband saw the damage on Saturday and confronted the people living there, no one would admit to it, which means that we can't really do anything about it.
• On Sunday, my husband was driving home from church and someone basically ran him off the road causing him to shred his tire on the curb
• Yesterday morning (Wednesday) on the way to work someone stopped suddenly in front of my husband, he didn't have time to react and he ran into the back of the car.

     Having one car involved in 3 accidents in 5 days is just not something that happens often. When my husband called me yesterday morning to inform me of the accident, his first words were, "I quit this week." At the time I did not know what to say other than I was so sorry it happened and that I loved him and that I was so glad he was ok. I spent my time alone with God yesterday praying for my husband, seeking out Scripture, and just leaning on God to help us see and feel his presence in the midst of what felt like complete and utter chaos.

      As I sought comfort in God's word I kept being reminded that God is in complete control and that nothing that has happened in the last week caught him off guard. He was not surprised by the fact Aaron was in 3 wrecks in 5 days-God knew what was going to happen and this all fits into his grand plan. Our initial reaction is to question God's plan and to be confused by what could possibly come out of this chaos. We want to know the plan. But we don't deserve to be privy to God's plan. We could not even begin to comprehend God's plan even if he did let us in on it. We are not promised to ever know how the plan will work out, we are only promised that God does have a plan.

       Yesterday Aaron and I both took great comfort in the fact that God is in control and that he has a good handle on everything. My husband pointed out yesterday that it was so comforting to know that God was not only sovereign but near in the chaos. God was not off on a business trip when Aaron wrecked his car yesterday. He was right there with Aaron. That is a beautiful truth to cling to.

        As I do often here on the blog, I want to share the Scripture that really spoke truth into our chaos yesterday.

    

       "putting everything in subjection under his feet." Now putting everything in subjection to               him, he left nothing outside his control. At present, we do not yet see everything in                           subjection to him." Hebrews 2:8

        - Nothing is outside of the control of God - NOTHING! We are not in a place where we can fully understand that truth, but it is truth none the less. God is in control!

         "I form light and create darkness, I make well-being and create calamity, I am the Lord, who           does all things." Isaiah 45:7

         - God is working everything to his plan and he is in control

         "The Lord has everything for its purpose, even the wicked for the day of trouble." 

         Proverbs 16:4

         -God has purposed everything to fulfill his great plan. We may not ever know that plan, but the plan is still in place. God knows what he is doing and I need to simply rest in the fact that he is in control.

        "For by him all things were created in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether              thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities - all things were created through him and for            him. And he is before all things and in him all things hold together." Colossians 1:16-17

        - God is still holding everything together, even when it seems like it is all falling apart.

        Finally I was comforted by the story of Jesus calming the raging sea (Matthew 8:23-27; Mark 4:35-41; Luke 8:22-25). All around the disciples the seas were raging and I'm sure they were certain their deaths were upon them. Then Jesus stood up and spoke to the winds and the waves and they stopped. At the sound of their Maker's voice, the winds and waves obeyed and stopped raging. My God is still that God who can calm a raging sea with just the sound of his voice.