Silent No More

 

Image courtesy of Witthaya Phonsawat at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

     It has been a long time since I have written anything. In fact my last post was on November 11, 2014. Over the past couple of days I have been reading back through my old posts and realized that all of them had hope and pointed to Christ. I think the reason I haven't written is because over the past few months I have lost my hope. I have stopped looking to Christ as my comfort. I have let fear and shame and sadness silence me. I have been hiding my pain, but no more. Today I reclaim my voice and I share the ugly truth.
     About a month ago I was on my way to church and I was angry. Aaron and I had had yet another argument and I had stormed out. I was mad at life and like I so often do when I am alone in the car, I started talking to myself. My youngest sister, who passed away in October, was heavy on mind and heart and I began thinking that maybe I was not processing my grief well and that was manifesting itself in anger at everyone and everything.
     At church I ran into the wife of one of our elders, she and her husband head up the counseling ministry as a matter of fact. I realized in that moment that God had intervened and put me in the same space as the person who could help me. I basically stalked this woman until she and I could have a few moments alone. I shared with her some of the things that were plaguing my soul and she shared with me the steps I needed to take to receive Gospel Care and she prayed with me. Later that night she touched base with me again and we agreed that I would go through Gospel Care with our church's family pastor since I had been serving in the children's ministry for years.
    It took a few weeks but schedules finally worked out and two Saturdays ago, our family pastor, Aaron, and I meet for our first session. I went into this meeting thinking that I would be working through grief, but realized that there was so much more going on.
    My pastor shared that anger is a surface level emotion and that there is something deeper going on. Anger is easier than actually dealing with the real emotion. We spent this first meeting trying to determine what is going on deep in my soul. I shared with my pastor and my husband how I feel alone and like I shouldn't be sad about my sister since we didn't have a strong relationship and how I have irrational fears. I have actually shared about my fears and anxieties on the blog before. However, before that day I never realized just how far back my fears go.
     As we were talking I realized that my irrational fears go back to my childhood. I was a cautious kid who thought about the consequences before doing anything. I was a rule-follower to a fault. In fact, to this day I don't like The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss because the Cat was not supposed to be there and the kids did things they weren't supposed to do. My pastor asked me if I would ever tell anyone when I was afraid as a child and said, "not really, I would usually isolate myself in my room. I didn't tell my parents because I didn't want to add a burden to them." As we talked I also realized that I didn't share my fear because I was ashamed, I didn't want to be seen as weak or wrong or broken. I didn't want to make waves, so I buried my pain and I isolated myself. I'm pretty sure that my parents to this day don't know how often I was afraid as I child, sorry Mom and Dad. I don't fault my parents AT ALL, I am pretty good at hiding.
     I walked away from that meeting realizing that I get angry when I feel I am losing control, which I know is an illusion to begin with. I admitted to myself and my husband that I have irrational, exaggerated fears that at times can paralyze me. There are many things I don't even try or give up on almost immediately for fear of failing. I also realized that I have exaggerated shame. Because I never felt like I could share my fears or pain or failings, my shame became exaggerated. The hardest part was admitting that I don't trust Christ. I am Christian and I know all the right answers, I know that when I am afraid I should remember that God is in control, but I don't. Before this week, it had been a very long time since I had opened my Bible to have a quiet time. I was retreating from the Lord and I had stopped trusting that he could handle my life.
    As much as I hate to admit it, I struggle with depression and irrationality. I have seen this in very vivid ways this week. When I make a mistake, instead of learning from that mistake and growing, I spiral down into a self-loathing pit where I think, "I am screw-up and I am ruining my husband's life, he would be better off without me, it would be better if I was invisible." Having a clean house matters to my husband and this week I have been trying to make a more conscious effort to clean. However, I feel like a child because I once I clean something I immediately have to tell him what I did. I feel like I am jumping up and down saying, "look at me, look what I did, I am of value." I am so desperate for his affirmation that I sometimes force the issue.
     I have also seen this week how contradictory my behavior is to what I actually want from people. I pull away and isolate myself, yet I don't want to be alone. I act cold towards my husband when what I want most is for him to pull me in. I hide away my pain for fear of disapproval when what I want most is someone to step in to my darkness and see what is really there. I make myself invisible when all I want is to be seen and known.
     This morning we started a sermon series at church about feelings and we started the series off by talking about sadness and working through Psalm 77. Before our pastor began preaching the text he talked about the factors that cause sadness. There are situational factors, like losing a loved one or losing a job, there are physical factors, like stress and fatigue, and then there is clinical depression. As he was talking about clinical depression I realized for the first time that I am mostly afraid that one day I am going to be diagnosed with a mental illness. Mental illness runs in my family and the odds that I too have a mental illness are actually strong. I am afraid that I am crazy.
     I write this because I don't want to hide anymore. I no longer want to let my fear choke me and silence my voice. I no longer want my shame to paralyze me. I don't want to be invisible any longer, I want to be seen and known for all I am, even the ugly parts. I don't want to hide my pain and pretend that everything is okay. I want to trust that Christ does understand where I am and that he is in the midst of my darkness. I want to run to my Father instead of retreating into myself.
     There will be no Bible verses to end this post. I will not be sharing ways to love well a person struggling with the junk I struggle with. This is the beginning of my journey and I hope that you will come along with me. At times my journey will be dark and ugly, but there will also be times of joy and hope. My goal is to use this blog as a way to reclaim my voice. I have suffered in silence for too long, it is time to speak up and as my family pastor said, "make waves." Finally pray for me as I make this journey. Pray for my husband to have patience and understanding as he takes this journey with me. Pray for my kids that they will be able to see and learn how to deal with emotions in a healthy way through my journey. Pray for the people who are helping me along the way that God will use them to speak truth to my soul.

Captive to Fear

   I have found that when we start truly seeking after Christ, we are made painfully aware of our own heart issues and areas where we don't trust God. The Spirit has really been working on me to have a better view of my body and to trust that God is truly sovereign over me, but as Christ is growing me in these areas, I am becoming more aware of other heart issues, one of those being fear and anxiety.
    For most of my life I have been a worst-case scenario type person. I would envision all the horrible things that could happen and would play through in my head how I would react. Growing up I would envision my parents getting divorced or someone I love getting really sick or me getting sick. I would play out these worst-case scenarios is my head on a pretty regular basis. Unfortunately this practice has continued into my adulthood.
   When my kids get sick, I immediately imagine them being deathly ill and being rushed to the children's hospital to begin life-saving treatments. When I hear a noise in the night, I immediately fear that someone is breaking in to kidnap my children. When I have a fight with my husband, I immediately fear that he is going to leave me for someone less crazy. I take a simple problem and turn it into a huge crisis.
    This practice has led to me having irrational fears that sometimes effect the way I live my life. I have a constant fear that someone is going to take my children, so I avoid crowded places and when I am out with my kids it is a pretty stressful experience as I am constantly making sure they are still with me. I have a horrible fear that someone in my family is going to be seriously injured, so I freak out when they are the least bit adventurous and I avoid things like the walking bridge because I'm scared my kids will fall into the Ohio River. I have an irrational fear that my husband is going to cheat on me or leave me, even though I know that is ridiculous, and I sometimes become incredibly possessive and overly needy. So often, the logical part of my brain is fighting to gain control over my fears and assure me that all of this is irrational, but many times the "crazy" wins out and I find myself fighting a panic attack.
    Just this past weekend, my husband went out to celebrate a friend's birthday. The kids and I left a few minutes after he did to go run a few errands, and we started out on the same route he had taken. As I turned off our street onto the main road I saw several flashing lights and I knew that there must have been an accident. Immediately I began repeating to myself, "it's not Aaron, it's not Aaron", because I was terrified that I would drive up on this accident and see his car. As I got closer to the accident, a huge pit formed in my stomach and I was almost physically sick. My breathing was getting shallow and I could feel my heart beginning to race. Even though the logical part of my brain knew that it was not Aaron in that accident, the crazy part of my brain just knew that I was going to drive up and see my husband dying on the concrete. This is a real struggle for me and is something that happens quite often.
    I share my crazy with you, not to gain pity, but to show how tight a hold fear can have over our lives. Fear wakes me up in the middle of the night and won't stop pestering me until I get out of bed and go check on my children. Fear keeps me from fully trusting in my husband's love. Fear keeps me from experiencing life to the fullest. Fear has me prisoner and only Jesus can break me free of the chains.
    As I have shared in my last two blog posts, I am beginning to really seek out Scripture in my times of struggle so that I can meditate and lean on the words of God. I am also beginning to see the importance of actually praying through Scripture. Our pastor, Daniel Montgomery of Sojourn Community Church, said something during the sermon on Sunday that really hit home with me; "Prayer is getting in God's face with God's word." When I pray, I need to be calling out to God, asking him to fulfill his word in my life. I have to stop bypassing what God has to say about fear and anxiety and worry. I hope that some of the Scripture I have found this week will speak to your heart as well.

    John 16:33 "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart, I have overcome the world."
    What powerful words! Jesus spoke these words to his disciples on the night that he was to be betrayed and turned over to be crucified. He was letting his disciples know what was getting ready to happen and encouraging them to be strong and take heart. He was reminding them that the story would not be over with Jesus' death on the cross, but that there was much more to come. Jesus has overcome the world and death, I need not fear.


    1 Peter 5:7 "casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."
    This is something that I need to be reminded of daily-God cares for me, I am important to God, my fears matter to God. God wants me to hand over my fears and anxieties to him and allow him to comfort and care for me.

   Matthew 6:34 "And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his life?"
   I am not in control and there is not a single thing that I can do that will add time to the days God has already laid out for me. I need to be reminded that God is sovereign over the universe, and that Lisa has nothing to do with keeping the world in motion. My life is in the hands of God and that should give me great comfort, it is not up to me.

  Psalm 27:1 "The Lord is my light and salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?"
     Again, my life is in the hands of a great big and powerful God. God is my light, salvation and stronghold. With God in control, I have nothing to fear.

   Isaiah 43:1 "But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine."
   God called me by name, he redeemed me, and I am his! This is a truth that I need to cling to do every hour of every day. I think about how much I love my children and what I would do for them; how much more does God love me and how much more will he do to protect me?


    Psalm 127 "I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. The Lord will keep your going out and coming in from this time forth and forevermore."
   When I am overcome by irrational fear, I need to lift up my eyes to the hills. I need to be reminded that my help comes from the Lord-the one who created heaven and earth. I need to take comfort in the fact that my Lord does not sleep nor slumber and he will not let my foot be moved. The Lord is my protector and he is in control. I need not fear what is to come because all will be brought about to the glory of God.

   There are so many other verses that speak to fear and anxiety. God tells us multiple times throughout Scripture to not be afraid, to cast our anxieties on him, to trust in him to be our protector, helper, comforter. My struggle with fear is not new. People have been held captive by fear since the beginning of time, and since the beginning of time God has been calling for his people to rely on him to break the chains of fear. What verses do you turn to when fear is all consuming?