Fighting the Desire to Have Good Kids

  I am a lucky woman. Actually, no I am blessed beyond what I deserve. It blows me away that God would choose a mess-up like me to be responsible for the lives of two little people. I am thankful everyday that I get to be "Mom" to these two precious kiddos.

   And while I would not change a single moment of the past six years, I will be honest in saying that life is not always easy with these two. Yes, they are cute and precious and smart and wonderful, but they are also whiny and manipulative and stubborn and disobedient. In other words, my kids are sinful. Just like me.
    We all have those days. You know the ones I'm talking about. The days that start out wrong and never straighten out. In case you are the rare unicorn who has perfect children that never experience bad days, let me paint a picture for you.
    Both children are awake and oh so cranky before 7 AM, even though they did not go to bed until almost 10 PM the night before because community group ran long. They are crying and falling apart because you don't fix drinks fast enough, you aren't changing their wet clothes fast enough, they don't get to sit beside you on the couch, the sun is yellow, etc. Your two kids, who can at times be the best of playmates, cannot get along to save their lives. They are arguing over the television, seats on the couch, toys, books, air, you name it. No one wants to eat breakfast. No one wants to brush their teeth. No one wants to do their school work. By 10 AM, they have each been in time out in their beds at least twice. Finally school is done and it is time to get ready for storytime at the library, one of the kids favorite activities during the week. You  tell your kids to get dressed and you take the dog out, get dressed yourself, brush your teeth, etc. You walk into the living room 15 minutes later to see your kids lying on the couch still in their pajamas. It is at this point you become a raving lunatic and start screaming at your kids which of course leads to them crying. And all of this before lunch.
   Days like these are the days when I find myself expecting my kids to be good simply for the sake of being good. I find myself screaming at them, why don't you just obey? You know what to do, do it! Be good! Be good! Be good! You are failing, do better.
    I forget so often that my kids are sinners in need of the saving grace of Jesus, just like me. I have the desire for my kids to be well-behaved super children who never disobey and are always polite and gracious. I want to be the mom who is complimented in the store for how awesome my kids are. Instead, I am the mom who gets the sympathetic (or judgmental) looks because my 4 year old is on the floor melting down in the costume aisle because I don't have $20 to spend on a Rapunzel costume.
     Growing up, it was ingrained in me to be good. I was taught that I should be good and obedient to please God. I was taught morality and because of that I always felt as if it was up to me to EARN God's favor. There was a list of things I should do and if I did them I was good. Being a Christian became synonymous with being good. If I wasn't doing the things on the list then I wasn't really saved. My salvation, while it came from God, was still greatly dependent upon my performance.
     Surprisingly enough, I failed all the time and thus never felt good enough for God. No one really taught me that I was NEVER GOOD ENOUGH for God. I was not shown that God saved me by his grace alone, not because of what I did or some untapped potential in me, he saved me simply because he loved me. It took me a long time to realize that it was not up to me to earn my salvation in any way. I could never be good enough to be accepted by God. I was saved by grace and grace alone. God did  all the work and I had no part to play in my salvation. I obey God, not because it makes him happy, but because I love him because he first loved me. My obedience is an act of love, not a performance.
     As I am learning this truth for myself, I am desperate for my children to learn it as well. I don't want to watch my kids struggle to be good enough for God. I don't want my kids to carry the weight of failures when they can't measure up to some unrealistic standard. I want my kids to know from the very beginning that their salvation is not dependent on them or anything they do; their salvation was fought for and won by Jesus' life and death on the cross. I want my kids to see their need for Jesus from their earliest days.
    My struggle comes in the balance. I do want my kids to understand that they are sinners who need Jesus, but I also want my kids to obey me to keep peace in our home. I don't feel the desire to have obedient, respectful kids is wrong, but my problem is that sometimes that's all I want from my kids. I don't always point out sin to my kids. I don't always pray with my kids that God will help them overcome their sin. Sometimes I expect perfect obedience, discipline when that does not happen and repeat the cycle.
    On the other end of that spectrum, sometimes I do take the time to point out sin to my kids, but I don't point them to the cross. I realize that I am really good at focusing on my kids sin and depravity, but not so good at pointing them to the grace of the cross. I tell them I forgive them, but I don't remind them that God forgives and loves them too. I am quick to show my kids their need for something more, but I don't always show them that what they need is Jesus.
     As a parent, I experience God's grace abundantly. I fail my kids so often, and yet they always love me and are quick to forgive and forget my screw-ups. My kids melt my heart every day and teach me the pure innocence of unconditional love.
      This post has been cathartic and convicting all at the same time, but I don't want to leave it at that. I want to share some of the things that we do with our kids to be intentional about showing them grace and their need for Jesus. I don't present these as a step-by-step checklist to better kids. I also don't present them as things that I am always consistent at doing. Finally, I also do not present these as, "hey look at me and how awesome I am, I finally figured it out." Hopefully you saw the truth in this post that I fail A LOT! I present these things because I don't want to just point out the problem and leave it at that. I want to share some practical solutions that can help us.

1. Instill in your kids that you love them no matter what.
    If there is one thing that I feel I have gotten right with my kids, it's that they know I love them, even when I'm angry. My daughter will look at me and say, "who are you mad at Mommy?" Sometimes I will tell  her I am mad at her or her brother and tell her why. She will then look at me and, "but you still love us even when your mad, right?" I have said that phrase many times over the past 4-6 years, depending on which kid you are talking to. I have also shown my love to my kids enough, that they are confident of my love even when I am screaming at them or sending them to their room. My kids know that they do not have to earn my love, but that they have it simply because they are my kids.

2. Show your kids grace.
   At our house we don't do Santa at Christmas. We have told our kids that we don't believe in Santa because there is not a strange man who drops off presents for them because they are good. The presents they receive on Christmas morning come from Mommy and Daddy because we love them and we want to give them gifts. We show them grace in that. Sometimes I will buy my kids something at the store or take them on an outing, even when they are not behaving. When I do those things, I tell them, "I am giving you grace. You don't deserve this toy or to go to the museum, but I love you and I am doing it anyway. You did not earn it, I am showing you grace." The first few times I did this, I felt so awkward and pompous, but now I see how important it is. I want my kids to begin to understand that grace is something we receive when we don't deserve it. You cannot work for and earn grace. Sometimes grace is given when we LEAST deserve it. I whole-heartedly believe that by showing my kids grace (and explicitly telling them it's grace), I am helping to prepare their hearts to receive God's grace.

3. Share the truths of Scripture with your kids.
    We began homeschool this year with our kids and one of the things we do every morning is go through a catechism question and memory verse from the North Star Catechism. We are teaching our kids spiritual truths that they can memorize and stand on. My kids are learning important aspects of our Christian faith. They are memorizing Scripture. We are building disciplines in them they will help to sanctify them (not save them) later. I love that my kids know that God exists forever as three persons, God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. My kids know that no one is truly good except God. They may not fully understand the truths now, but they are learning them.

4. Finally, point to Jesus as much as possible.
    I am working on doing a better job of pointing my kids to Jesus as much as possible. When we read our Old Testament Bible stories at night, my husband and I are quick to point out Jesus. We emphasize that the great feats in the Bible (Joshua and the battle of Jericho, David and Goliath, Daniel in the Lion's Den) are accomplished solely by the work of God. These events did not happen because the men were good or obedient or faithful. They happened because God willed them to. We also make sure that God stays the main character of all the Bible stories we read. We don't want our kids to think that the main character of David and Goliath is David, and that they should be courageous like David. No, the main character is God, they should be learning what the story teaches them about God.

  A big difference in teaching morality and teaching grace, is looking at who the main character is. Take the Ten Commandments. Morality says to kids obey the Ten Commandments because THEY need to be good so THEY can make God happy. Grace teaches kids that the Ten Commandments were given to us by God as guidelines to show us that we can never measure up, so God gave us Jesus to save us and make us righteous even when we fail to meet the standard. Do you see the difference? Morality makes you and me and our kids the main character, where Grace keeps God in the center as he should be.

   Let's commit to pray for each other that we will not simply desire to have good kids, but that we will desire to have kids saved by grace!

A Sweet Reminder of The Joy of Motherhood

      My husband and I never planned on having another baby after our son was born. We had experienced a very traumatic labor in which we almost lost him, and I really did not want to go through that again. We had in our minds the plan that should play out for our family, but God, he had a different plan. God knew that until Sophia became a part of our family, that we would not be complete. Sophia made our family whole.
       Sophia has been dramatic and a diva since she was in the womb. She has always been one to make her presence and feelings known. You never have to guess what Sophia is feeling because she feels everything exponentially. Sophia can light up a room with a simple smile or gesture or she can bring down a room with a scream. She wears her emotions on her sleeve.
        I struggle sometimes with understanding my daughter. She is sometimes so different from me and our personalities don't always mesh. Sophia is independent and strong-willed and a free thinker; while I am independent, I have always been more of a rule follower who tried to do the right thing. I like the box, and Sophia does not like to be contained.
         There are days when Sophia and I clash and our home is far from peaceful. I have a friend whose daughter is similar to Sophia and we often encourage each other with the reminder that one day this stubborn, strong-willed attitude will serve her very well. I know that when Sophia gets older, she will not be easily swayed and that she will have no problem taking a stand for what she wants. Sophia is going to grow up to be the kind of woman who refuses to settle for less than what she deserves and she is going to fight for what she thinks is right. But right now when she is three, these character traits tend to push my buttons more times than not.
         And then there are moments when other aspects of her personality shine through. Moments when she does something that absolutely melts my heart and makes me remember just how blessed I am that I get to be Sophia's mom. Moments like this one:

     
            This weekend my sister was able to capture a very sweet moment between my daughter and me. Sophia was exhausted after traveling for 6 hours the night before and playing hard with her brother and cousin all afternoon. She climbed up into my lap and before long she had fallen asleep. I love this picture. It reminds me why I get up every morning. Moments like the one in this picture are why I quit my teaching job to stay home with my kids. I cannot even imagine a life in which Sophia is not present. Yes, Sophia and I may butt heads and odds are good that our personalities will clash many times over the years to come, but she is my girl and I would not trade her for the world.

     

Son, Don't Be Concerned About the Opinions of Others

Dear Son,
    Last week you said something that broke my heart. We were talking about what storybook character you wanted to dress up as for Read Across America day. Since we only had 2 days, I was making suggestions of characters that I could easily put together the costume from stuff we had at the house. I know how much you love the book Sir Ryan's Quest, so I made the suggestion that you could dress up as Sir Ryan.

 

      You looked at the picture and said the words that broke my heart, "I don't want to dress like him, I will look silly." I couldn't believe it. My imaginative, funny, sweet 5 year old was worried about looking silly at school. I was so sad that you already are worrying about what others will think of you. You allowed the opinions of others to dictate your choices. That breaks my heart.

      Sweet son, you are still at the age when "looking silly" is to be expected. You are at the age when you should be playing dress up and imagining all sorts of fantastic adventures. You are at the age when the opinions of others should not even register, you should just be doing what makes you happy.

      As your dad and I talked about you comments later, we both talked about how we hate that you are already concerned about your image. We don't want you to define yourself by what others think of you, we want you to define yourself by Christ. We don't want fear of man to stop you from doing something awesome.

      Most of all, I don't want you to grow up to be like me. When I was in middle and high school, I was so worried about what others thought of me, that I completely lost who I was. I became someone I didn't like and I stopped being me. I never want you to lose sight of who you are, my darling boy. 

      You are full of imagination and you have the best laugh. You are able to bring a smile to my face on my worst days. You are so compassionate and your teacher says you are the first person to be friends with the new kid in your class. You are not afraid to talk to anyone about anything. You are so intelligent and articulate, that people are often surprised you are only 5. And yes, babe, you are silly, and I love that about you. Embrace all that you are and don't let anyone take that from you.

       Yes, there may be times when someone who does not possess your imagination may laugh at you, and yes, it will more than likely hurt. But when that happens, I want you to remember why you did what you did in the first place, and I bet it won't matter quite as much. When people laugh at you or say mean things, I want you to remember that those people are usually afraid of what's different and are probably sad that they didn't have the courage you do. It takes great courage to be bold and different, so stay strong.

      Be silly, son. Be crazy and imaginative. Be who you are and don't let the opinions of others define you. Remember that you belong to Christ and that God made your personality especially for you. As long as you living to His glory, nothing else will matter. Sometimes the silly things bring the glimmer of joy that someone else desperately needs. Sometimes, YOU are exactly the person someone else needs.

     I love you and all you are, my sweet silly boy.

Teaching our Kids About Grace is Important

    Raising kids is hard work. One of the hardest things about raising children is dealing with discipline, especially as a Christian parent. When should we give our kids justice and when should we extend grace? This past weekend my husband and I were faced with just this dilemma.
    On Saturday, my baby daddy and I decided to treat the kiddos and take them to see Frozen in the theater. We hardly ever take the kids to the movies and we wanted to do something special since our normal plans had been cancelled. I went outside where the kids were playing in the backyard and told them we were going to the movies, which of course thrilled them. On a side note, we have a rule with the kids that they are allowed to go outside without an adult as long as they stay in our backyard (which is fully fenced in).
     Later on, I went outside to let the kids know it was time to go and to my dismay I could not see my kids in the backyard. In a panic I looked around the corner of our house and my heart dropped. My three year old daughter had gotten out of our yard and was digging in the dirt in front of our neighbor's house dangerously close to the road. As I began screaming at my daughter to come back to the house I see my son run around from the front yard of our neighbor's house. I was livid and in that moment I was ready to cancel our movie plans all together.
     I brought the kids inside and explained why we have the outside rule that we do and just how dangerous it is to break that rule. A car could have hit Sophia or someone could have taken one of them before we even knew what was happening. I was justifiably very angry and my initial reaction was to punish my kids.
     After talking with the kids about why what they did was wrong, I walked out of the room to talk with my husband about whether or not we were going to go to the movies. We talked for a few minutes and decided that we would still take the kids to the movie, but we were going to be clear about why.
       I walked back into the living room and asked my son, who is the oldest would understand this lesson better, if he deserved to go to the movies. He shook his head no. I then asked him why didn't he deserve to go the movies. After a moment of thought, he responded, "because I broke the rule." Of course this was the answer I wanted from him. I wanted my son to understand that he had disobeyed and broken a rule and because of this disobedience he deserved to NOT go to the movies.
     Then I told my son, that even though he and his sister had broken the rule and did not deserve to go to the movies we were going to extend grace and take them anyway. I was very clear that we were not extending them grace because we approved of what they had done, but simply because we loved them (and honestly because the hubby and I wanted to see the movie).
     Later that night during our family devotions we were reading the story of Jesus and the two thieves on the cross. When we finished the story we talked about how the one thief on the cross was shown grace when Jesus told him he would be in Paradise. I asked Eli, my son, when he was shown grace that day. Eli thought for a moment and said, "when we went to the movies." I asked him if our grace meant what he had done was okay. Eli said no. We talked about how grace is not a free pass to keep doing wrong things. His dad and I still expect him and his sister to obey the rules. Grace is a gift and grace gives us the freedom to keep trying and defeat sin.
      This is a lesson we all need. Grace has been extended to us from our heavenly Father. All of us are sinners who deserve punishment. None of us is good enough or holy enough to be considered righteous before God. On our best days and on our worst days we are abominations to God because of our sin. It is only because of God's grace that we are saved. We do not deserve salvation through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Jesus was perfect and he knew no sin, and yet he took on our sin and died our death on the cross so that we could be presented as righteous before God. This was God's plan from the very beginning, not because we deserve it but because God is gracious and loving. God loves us so much that he extended grace to us and made a way for us to be with him forever.
      As a parent it is important to set boundaries and guidelines for our children and at times we have to discipline our children so they will hopefully learn a lesson. However, at times, it is also important to extend our children grace. I don't want my children to believe the lie that they have to perform a certain way to earn my love or to earn God's favor. They always have my love and nothing they can do can EARN God's favor. By showing them grace in our parenting we are teaching them about the ultimate gift of grace, we are showing them that the gifts they receive are because they are loved, not because they earned them. It is equally important though to ensure that our children understand that grace does excuse bad choices or give them a pass to keep making those bad choices. Obedience is to be expected and sometimes consequences are necessary. However, grace should also be extended at times, so that our kids will one day better understand the gospel.

I'm Cool When My Son Plays With Dolls

   A couple of years ago I saw a quote from the book "Future Men: Raising Boys to Fight Giants" by Doug Wilson and honestly it really irked me. Here is the quote:

           "For those boys who gravitate toward playing house and dolls and dress up, wise parental control,                oversight and redirection is necessary. A right understanding of masculinity by the parents is                           necessary. A boy should study to become wise. This is not the same as wearing a frilly apron." 

    I will be the first to admit that I did not actually read this book and that it may be an amazing resource for raising godly men, however, this quote really bothers me. Why is it so wrong for boys to play house or play with dolls or play dress up? How do these activities not foster masculinity? Before I continue I want to be clear that I truly believe in biblical gender roles and I want to raise my son to be a strong man of God. I believe that God created men and women to be equals, but that he also created men and women to fulfill specific roles. Aaron and I are raising our children to understand their godly roles according to Scripture, but I feel this quote takes that a little too far. While I want my son to be strong and masculine, I do not want my son to be chauvinistic or to think that there is "man's work" and "woman's work". I want my son to grow up to be the kind of man who loves, serves and provides for his wife as Christ does for the church. Today I am going to share some of the "girly" things that my son plays and why I am okay with it.

- My son plays with dolls.  In addition to my 5 year old son, I also have a 3 year old daughter, and with that our house is overrun by baby dolls. My son plays has been known to play with a baby doll. My son changes the doll's clothes and diapers, he gives the doll a bottle, he feeds the doll, and he rocks the doll to sleep. You know where he learned these things? He learned them by watching his daddy care for his sister. He is simply mimicking the great example his father set for him. My son is learning how to care for his future children.

- My son wears an apron. I love to cook and especially bake. My son loves to help me in the kitchen. When he was two I bought him a little apron so that he would not get his clothes messy when he helps me cook. My son also has a play kitchen in the play room and he pretends to cook there all the time. My son is learning how to take care of himself because odds are he will have to live on his own at some point without a woman to cook for him. I want my son to be able to cook his food so that he won't starve to death or have to eat only fast food.

- My son plays "makeover" with his sister. My daughter has recently gotten into make up and especially fingernail polish. When she can't have her nails painted, she likes to pretend to have her nails painted. My son will play with her and paint her nails for her and help her with make up and help fix her hair. Where has he learned such "feminine" behavior? Well from his father. My husband paints my daughter's nails and fixes her hair and will play makeover with her. Also my son is learning how to pamper a woman. One day when my son is married, he will be comfortable pampering his wife by brushing her hair or painting her nails. My son is learning how to serve his wife and play with his future daughter.

- My son plays house. This goes back to simply mimicking his daddy. My husband irons his work shirts, he loads the dishwasher, he washes the laundry, he helps me clean the house; my husband shows his love for me by doing acts of service around our home. My son has watched his daddy and wants to be like him, so he offers to mop the kitchen floor or vacuum the carpet. He is learning to take care of a house so that he won't be completely helpless should he not get married the day he moves out of our home.

- My son plays dress up. In the case of dress up, we do make a point to only allow gender appropriate dress up clothes. My son is not allowed to wear his sister princess dresses or mommy's dress shoes. He is allowed to wear super hero costumes and daddy's ties and daddy's old clothes. My son loves to dress up as his favorite characters and I encourage it because it fosters his imagination. On a side note, my son does wear necklaces at times and they are not "boy" necklaces. My grandmother passed away two years ago and I was given a lot of her costume jewelry. My son knows which necklaces belonged to GrannyJo and sometimes he likes to wear her necklaces because he loved her very much and he misses her. We let the necklaces slide because of the sentimental factor.

   I know there are many other "girly" things that my son plays, but I don't want to go on forever. The point that I am trying to make is that raising a godly man is more than the toys our kids play with. My son has a sister and that means he will at times play with "girly" things like a tea set and Barbies. My daughter also plays with "boyish" things like trains and tools because she is playing with her big brother. My son is learning about the importance of being the kind of man who will play with his daughter and help his wife around the house and be sensitive enough to be romantic. I believe that we are raising up a future great man of God who will be strong and sensitive.

Playing tea party with Daddy and his sister.

Playing dress up on his birthday.

  

Being all boy with his light saber.

Hanging out with his sister and a teddy bear.