Friday, April 25, 2014

I Need to Stop Being a Quarrelsome Wife

      It's been a while since I last posted because life got in the way. This particular post has been bouncing around in my brain since Wednesday and this is the first moment that I have taken to actually sit down and write it.
      It all began on Tuesday. The hubby and I were having a bad day. We were both in some physical pain (his back, my neck), we were both tired and really irritable. The kids and I met up with the hubby after he got off work and I felt like I could do not say or do anything right. Instead of talking to my husband, I simply shut down and gave him the silent treatment. When I did speak to him, it was terse and short. The silent treatment lead to me thinking really mean thoughts about my husband. Things like, "he never helps me with the kids" (which he does quite a lot) and "I hate that stupid phone, he is always on it" (which he's not and I am just as bad about). Once we got home, he and I spent the rest of the night in separate rooms not talking. It was a long and miserable evening.
      The next morning, I texted him with an apology and when we saw each other again after work we had a good talk about what had upset each of us and exchanged more apologizes and offered up forgiveness. Want to know the really bad thing about all of this? The whole time I was mad, I knew I was being ridiculous. The Holy Spirit kept prompting me to love my husband and talk to him, but I chose to ignore the Spirit. Instead, I fed myself several lies that I believe that we all, but especially women, tell ourselves when our man (or woman) hurts us.
      The first lie is "if he's gonna be nasty, than so am I." We believe that karma (even if we don't use that name) is at play. We tell ourselves that what goes around comes around and he is only getting what he deserves. But there is no place for karma in the Christian life or the Christian marriage.

      Proverbs 24:29 - "Do not say, 'I will do to him as he has done to me; I will pay the man back for what he has done.'"
      Romans 12:17 - "Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all."

     When we claim Christ, we claim his word and all that he is about.  Because I claim Christ, it is not okay for me to "get back" at my husband or to "teach him a lesson," I am called to more than that; I am called to leave the idea of karma behind. Karma says "I get what's coming to me," but Christianity says "I get what's coming to Christ, glory and honor." I am to replicate the love and grace shown to me by God in all areas of my life, but especially in my marriage.
       Along with the first lie, the second lie tells me that I am justified in my anger. Because my husband has done something to hurt or wrong me, I am allowed to wallow in hurt and anger and to hold it all against him. However, Scripture tells me something very different.

      1 Corinthians 13:4-7 - "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, endures all things."
     1 Peter 4:8 - "Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins."

    Even when the world, or my own pride, tells me that I am justified in my anger and resentment, God's word tells me that real love is contrary to that. Because of my love for my husband, there is no more "I"m justified." When I am focused on the sin, or perceived sin, of my husband, I am incapable of loving him well. When I am loving him earnestly, I am able to see my love for him as opposed to the sin. Because I love him I do not hold his sins against him. When sin does need to be addressed, I do not approach the sin with justice and anger, but instead I approach the sin with love and grace.
     A final lie that I believe is that my husband "knows." That is a big lie that we women like to believe. Our man says or does something that hurts our feelings and instead of telling him, we sulk and let it stew and wait for him to realize what he did. We like to believe that he knows what he did, but sometimes, he honestly does not know. Many times in my marriage, I have had to bring to my husband's attention times when he speaks harshly or makes a comment that he meant in jest, but in fact cut deep. It's not that my husband is an oblivious moron, it's that we perceive things differently and he is not in my head. It is not fair for me to stay mad at my husband without talking to him and telling him why I am mad.

    Mark 10:7-9 - "'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate."
   Colossians 3:13 - "bearing with one another and if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has also forgiven you, so you must also forgive."

    My husband and I are now one. There is no longer two separate individuals, but rather two parts to one whole. It is not fair for me to shut down on my husband and treat him poorly, because that is like shutting down on myself. He is a part of me now. I can't just expect him to figure it out and come groveling to me for forgiveness. I have been told that I must bear with my husband, and that includes bringing my complaints to him. But most importantly, I have been called to forgive my husband. Those of us who are in Christ have experienced forgiveness that is unfathomable. We all deserve death and hell, and yet God in his infinite grace, through the death and resurrection of his son, has shown us all forgiveness. Not only does God forgive us, he no longer holds our sins against us. And just like God has forgiven me, I am called to forgive my husband and to not hold things against him.
      I want to end on something that really convicted me as I searched the Scripture, something that is not comfortable to talk about and something that I honestly wish wasn't in the Bible. Four times in Proverbs it talks about how bad it is to have a quarrelsome wife.

     Proverbs 27:15 - "A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are the same."
    Proverbs 19:13 - "A foolish son is ruin to his father, and a wife's quarreling is a continual dripping of rain."
    Proverbs 21:9 and 25:24 -"It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife."

    Dude, these verses suck! When I was younger I used to think how archaic and sexist these verses were. I mean what kind of jerk would write such a thing. I bet the wife had every right to be "quarrelsome" because the husband probably sat on his butt all day barking orders. Then I read these verses on Wednesday after I spent the better part of the previous evening being a quarrelsome wife, and it was like a sucker punch to the gut. Maybe I didn't verbally fight or argue with my husband, but I definitely brought him misery. I treated my husband like dirt and believed the lie that I was justified in doing such. It is hard to admit when we are being quarrelsome women.
     These verses not archaic or even sexist. These verses speak truth into the marriage relationship. Wives are called to bring their husbands joy, not misery (and vice versa). It would break my heart if my husband ever felt that I was a quarrelsome wife.
       It is important to remember that a Christian marriage should not reflect the world, it should reflect Christ. Jesus was not quarrelsome and he most definitely did not bear any resentment towards the throngs of people who wronged him. When I take hold of the banner of Christ, I am claiming him as my identity and I am trusting in the Spirit to sanctify me daily to be more like my Jesus. In those moments when I want to give into my anger and resentment, I have to lean on the truth of Scripture and remember that I am called to more than that. I am called to love my husband well and to allow that love to cover his sins. I am called to be a source of joy for my husband. I don't have all of this down yet, but thankfully I have a lifetime with my man to get better at it.

No comments:

Post a Comment