Why I've Been Absent!

   I haven't written in over a week and for that I apologize. Today's post is not going to be wordy or even long. I simply want to share with you why I was absent!

     So as you can see I had good reason to take a leave of absence from blogging. My family had the privilege of going to Disney World to celebrate my in-laws 25th wedding anniversary. I had the awesome privilege of watching my kids experience the Happiest Place on Earth for the first time and I go to watch my husband, who literally grew up at Disney World, share one of his favorite places with his children.
    I don't have any profound insights about our trip, I just know that were blessed to be able to go and that watching my kids enjoy Disney World was worth all the stress and walking and late nights/early mornings. Enjoy the pictures!!

Getting Real About the Mess of Life

   Today I am doing a "let's be real" post. The purpose of this post is not to vent about my horrible life or make people pity me and my poor life. The purpose of this post is to be real with people who read my blog and to be honest about how life is not always easy, even for a Christian.
    I know there are some who believe that once you become a Christian life is supposed to be all rainbows, unicorns, and gumdrops and that all trials are faced with joy and thanksgiving and deep prayer.  Good Christians do not battle depression or anxiety or feelings of bitterness because they are now filled with the love of Jesus and this magically makes all the bad things go away. And the Christians that do deal with this evil things obviously don't read their Bible enough or prayer enough or do enough good works or whatever. I hope this post will show you what bullcrap that way of thinking is.
    I am one of those people who struggles with depression and anxiety and feelings of bitterness and resentment. I am not always an emotionally stable individual. I have a nasty habit of bottling up my feelings and making myself feel guilty for feeling certain feelings and holding on to bad experiences. This past weekend was one of those times.
    There is not a specific incident that I can point to and say that was the moment when everything went haywire, but I do know it was sometime on Friday. Something happened on Friday and I felt myself turning into an emotional yo-yo, one minute I was happy and the next I was depressed or angry or just fed up with life. My attitude stunk big time and I couldn't seem to pull myself out of my funk. Saturday was another emotional yo-yo day. There were moments of ecstasy and moments of deep depression. By the time Sunday morning came around there wasn't much bouncing up, I was low and nothing could make me feel better. I was angry and bitter at my husband, at my kids, at my friends, at the world.
    We attend a large church in Louisville and one of the ways that we experience community is through Community Groups (CG), which are small groups of people that meet in various homes throughout the city during the week. These are the people that you do life with outside of the large gatherings at the church building on Sunday morning. Our CG meets at our home every other Sunday night, and last night was our week to have CG. When I got home from church I began to honestly dread everyone coming over. I had to clean the house and then I had to pretend to be happy when everyone came over. I just was not looking forward to CG, which is not normal for me.
     I could feel myself becoming more emotional at CG was going on and I was doing everything I could to simply hold it together so I would start crying in front of everyone. It came time for accountability, when the men and women split off into two groups so we can talk with each other more intimately, and when my turn came to share, I just started crying and I couldn't stop. I mean I was an emotional basket case. Everything I had been feeling over the last couple of days just bubbled over and I blubbered all over the ladies in my group.
     I talked about how I am struggling with adjusting to our new schedule since my husband started his new job a couple of weeks ago. I am lonely because I feel like I don't see my husband. My son has had a poor attitude and doesn't want to go to school or do his homework or be nice. My daughter is very emotional and has a diva complex that makes rationalizing with her and even disciplining her a real struggle. My job is not always easy. I am a little resentful of how handsome my husband is and how he can just start a new intense workout routine like its nothing. I feel unworthy of my husband because I am overweight. I feel myself falling into a cycle where I hate my body, but I hate to workout in the gym because other people can see me and how out of shape I am, so I don't go to the gym. I feel pulled in a thousand directions and I just can't keep up.
    At one point during my blubbering, I was asked by one of the ladies in my CG about how my walk with the Lord had been during the week, was I praying and in the word? I told her I was in the word everyday and praying everyday. My bought with depression was not because of a lack of spiritual discipline. Very often, that is our advice when someone is struggling. Oh your dealing with depression, well you just need to memorize Scripture and start a pray journal and have you tried fasting? Sometimes, even the most spiritually disciplined Christians struggle with depression or anxiety or a number of other things, and it's not because they stopped reading God's Word or praying or worshipping, it's because life is hard sometimes.
   I wish I could tell you that I am magically better this morning and that I am feeling such peace that all my troubles have melted away, but that is not true. I do feel a little better because I shared my struggles with the people in my life, my family, and I know that they are going to be lifting me up in prayer and checking in on me and that they are not going to leave me in my depression. Just knowing that I have people who love me does help. I wish I could tell you that I found the perfect formula of prayer or the right Bible verse to recite when things get hard or the exact worship song that I can play to speak into my situation, but that just isn't the case. Right now, I am trying to pry my hands open so that I can release my burdens to my heavenly Father and I am trying to lean on the power of Jesus and I am reminding myself that I have the power of the Holy Spirit giving me the strength and courage to carry on, but it isn't easy. I still struggle with the sin of making myself God. I think that I have to handle all life's problems on my own and that things are much better if I am in control. My sin is real and present, even though I have a strong walk with the Lord.
   Why am I telling you all this? I realized this morning that in a way I have been lying to those of you who read my blog on a daily basis. I think that I may have painted a rainbows, unicorns, and gumdrops picture of my spiritual life. I fear that I may be presenting my struggles in a way that minimizes them and makes it seem like I just give it all over to the Lord and walk off in peace and joy. My worry is that I am giving you the "Jesus" answer to everything without being real about life. Life is messy and hard and painful and sometimes there is no perfect "Jesus" answer that will make it all better.
    I hope that maybe you are a little encouraged this morning and I really hope that I have not scared you off from entering into a relationship with Jesus. While being in a relationship with Jesus does not always mean life will be easy, it is always worth it. I know that I have a God who understands my feelings of loneliness and depression and anxiety and that I have a God who loves me and is working to sanctify me daily. I know that there is coming a day when I will no longer battle depression or anxiety or bitterness or resentment and I can look forward to that hope, even when I am in the pits. This world is broken and that brokenness means that good, Jesus-loving people sometimes suffer, but I know that this world is not my home and one day I will be in the presence of Jesus and this world will fade away. Life is hard, but God is good and he will sustain me.

Christmas Traditions

   Christmas is full of family traditions, and my family was no different. Growing up we never had a lot of money, but my mother was crafty and resourceful. Each year she would make a ton of goodies; chocolate covered pretzels, chocolate covered spoons, cookies, peppermint bark, etc; and for days our kitchen table and counters would be covered with all sorts of sweets. Then we would go around on Christmas Eve delivering the goodies to our friends around town. I always looked forward to making (and eating) the goodies and I even enjoyed delivering the goodies. It was always fun to visit with friends.
    As with most traditions, I have continued this tradition with my family. Today was the day, so I started early making my list and prepping our kitchen for a marathon day of goodie making.

  
   My kitchen table was soon covered with chocolate covered spoons, chocolate covered pretzels, chocolate mint patties, ice cream cones (Buggles, peanut butter, and chocolate), and Oreo truffles. It's crazy how I make many of the same things my mom made while adding a couple of new things each year, much like she did.

    Normally I would let me kiddos help me with the goodie making process, but this year we are very short on time and my daughter stayed in North Carolina with my parents until the rest of us come back later in the week. When my son got home from school we packaged everything up and left to make our Christmas deliveries. None of our friends knew we were coming and seeing their surprised faces was half the fun.

      I hope that this is a tradition my children will continue with their families when they are older. It is such a sweet and personal way to give to others and spread a little love during a very hectic season.
     What traditions are part of your Christmas season?

Little Miracles

      Yesterday morning I had the great privilege of being present for the birth of my precious niece Lyric Elizabeth.

      My sister and her husband have prayed for years to have a baby. They adopted a beautiful son 2 years ago, following a devastating miscarriage, but still yearned to have a baby. After years of trying and praying and disappointment, God answered their prayers with a resounding "YES!"
      We found out last week that my sister had a rare condition requiring her to be induced at 37 weeks. So I drove down Tuesday night so that I could be at the hospital with my sister while she was in labor. It was a very different experience to not be the person doing the actual birthing, but I am so grateful that I was there.
      It was a truly miraculous sight to watch my niece emerge into the world. As I watched her being cleaned by the nurses I kept thinking, "You are so loved. Your parents have been waiting for you for so long. We are all so glad you are here."
       I am blown away at God's design to bring forth human life. It is fascinating how the female body is made to change and expand and sustain a life for 10 months. Lyric was being formed from the moment she was conceived and that shows the love of a personal creator.
     There is not much else to say, except welcome to the world precious Lyric, I can't wait to spoil you (and pay your mom back for some of the gifts she has given Sophia over the years).

Why I Chose Baptism, Again

     On December 8, 2013, I was baptized for the second time. When I told my friends and family that I was being baptized, I got a lot of startled, "you are what?" type responses. Most of these people knew that I had been baptized when I was 8 and that I had been walking in faith with Jesus for many years. These people were confused as to why I felt I needed another baptism.
       I had it good growing up. I had wonderful loving parents and both sets of grandparents close by and I grew up in church. I knew all about God and Jesus. I could answer almost any question about the Bible and as far as anyone could tell I was a polite, well-mannered, all around good kid. From as early as I could remember I was taught to be good, make the right choice, and do what was expected. I was a rule follower and disappointing my family was not an option.
      On Mother's Day, the year I turned 8, I did what was expected of me. I walked down the aisle of my little Southern Baptist Church with another little boy and we told our preacher that we wanted to become Christians. He asked us a few shallow questions and then presented us as believers to our congregation. A few weeks later on a Sunday night, I was baptized along with another 10 or so young people. But that baptism and even that confession of faith meant nothing. I was simply doing what I was supposed to do. My heart was not changed, Jesus was not my Lord and Savior.
     As I grew up, I counted on my ability to follow the rules as my salvation. As long as I was a good girl, I would be okay. It did not take me long to figure out that I was not always a good girl, in fact I screwed up a lot. This realization led me to a cycle of sin, guilt, rededication, "be good", sin, start all over again. I was that kid who went to Christian summer camp every summer, and every summer I was that kid who made the tearful rededication of my life to Jesus and promised that from that point on I would do better and follow all the rules. As you can imagine, that resolve never lasted for very long because I was depending on my ability to do it right and I was failing miserably.
     Around the end of middle school, I lost hope. I could not be good and I was messing up so much and I just quit trying. My double life began. I was the good girl at home and church, but out in the world I was the girl who lived for myself, doing whatever I pleased, as long as I wouldn't get caught. I was very skillful at this double life-my family and church friends had no idea the type of person I really was, and my friends out in the world had no idea that I even knew of someone named Jesus.
     I kept up appearances so as not to disappoint those I loved, but in my heart I truly believed that there was no forgiveness for someone like me. God could save drug dealers and murderers and people who did not know any better, but God would not forgive someone like me. I knew the rules and the expectations, I knew right from wrong, and God could not tolerate someone who chose to break the rules. I was lost and there was no hope for me.
     This lack of hope led me to also feel very alone and unloved and unworthy. I began to define myself by other people's opinions of me, especially guys. In high school I was so desperate to be loved by a guy that I was willing to do anything or be anyone, just to have a boyfriend. I lost myself completely in my pursuit of an illlusion of love.
    My senior year of high school everything came tumbling down. I lost my first grandparent to cancer, I lost many of those who I thought were my friends, and I lost my boyfriend of over 2 years. I felt so alone. That summer, I did what I did every summer and I attended a Christian camp, but that year something was different. I was done keeping up appearances and I let my anger at God be seen by all. I finally admitted how worthless I felt and how shamed I was and how angry I was and ultimately how hopeless I felt. At the end of that week I truly met God face-to-face and he did not turn me away. He wrapped me in his love, forgave me, and called me his. That was the moment my life began to change, that was the moment I became a Christian, trusting in Jesus Christ as my salvation.
     However, old habits die hard as they say, and even though I was a new creation in Christ, I still sought to define myself by the opinions of others and I still wanted to keep up appearances. I could not be baptized again because then everyone would know. So I ignored the prodding of the Holy Spirit and kept on with my life.
    Then in the fall of this year I started Women's School at church. One week we were given the task of writing out our testimonies. Just like every other time I have shared my testimony, I was prodded by the Holy Spirit that I should be baptized again. Instead of ignoring it, I chose to listen and I asked the ladies in my cohort what they thought. I was encouraged to do it if I felt convicted. So then I talked to my husband, and after much discussion we came to the conclusion that I should pursue baptism.
    You may still be asking yourself, why we came to that conclusion. Well, we believe that baptism should come AFTER a person confesses Jesus as Lord. I was baptized almost 10 years before I became a true believer. I had not been walking in obedience because I was afraid of what others might say or think. Finally, I stopped caring about the opinions of others and made the choice to obey my Jesus.
    So last Sunday I stood up in front of my congregation at Sojourn and I made my sacred confession, "Jesus is Lord!" Then I was baptized by my husband and by my church family.

      Since then, I have had many people tell me how proud they are of me, or how much my story touched them; and that is why I am sharing this long story out in the blogosphere. My hope is that someone will stumble upon this post and read it to the end. My prayer is that as they are reading their heart will be stirred by the Spirit and they will seek to know more about this Jesus. I want my story to speak truth into someone else story.

What a weird name for a Blog

     This probably should have been my first post, but I am a rebel, I don't conform to the man. Actually, that's not true. You see what had happened was, I had something I really had to get off my chest and I decided to start a blog to do it. In order to start said blog, I had to give it a title, thus "The Reluctant Backbone". I couldn't explain the title without losing all that I wanted to say on the first topic, so I had to write that post first. So now, here we are, 2 posts in and I am now going to explain why my blog is titled, "The Reluctant Backbone." I know, you are super excited.
  
      So, why is my backbone reluctant? Well, it all started a long, long time ago in a galaxy far...wait, sorry sidetracked. Ok, I have always been a pretty compliant person. I never made many waves, I have always hated conflict, and I have always tried very, very hard to do the right thing and make everyone happy. I did not always succeed, but I always tried my best. This tendency in me has led me to have very little in the backbone department. Now don't get me wrong, sometimes I have stood up for myself or made waves and I have even started a controversy or two, but as a whole, I like to go with the flow and try not to make people mad.

     I am especially timid when it comes to men. I have always wanted to be loved, and not because I was not loved well as a child. On the contrary, I had amazing parents and a pretty spectacular dad who never let a day go by without expressing his love for my mother and my sister and me. However, for some reason, I still felt this deep rooted desire to be loved by someone of the opposite sex. I hated the thought of being alone, so when I found a guy I liked I would latch on to him and pretend to be whatever he wanted me to be just so he would like me. As you can imagine, this led to some less than stellar relationships on my part growing up. It was a habit I just could not seem to break.

     When I met my beautiful husband over 9 years ago, my backbone was a little stronger, but still pretty flimsy. I was more independent and more willing to be myself, but I also desperately wanted to him to like me. Now we did have a lot of fights about stupid stuff, but I did not disagree with him on the real stuff-the big stuff. And on the off chance that I did disagree with him on something big, odds were that at the end of the day I was going to just give in to his point of view.

      After my husband and I got married, this never really changed. I could not stand for him to be mad at me, so I buried most of my unpleasant feelings and then on the rare occasion that I would share my feelings, I would quickly dismiss them as hormonal and apologize first and beg for things to go back the way they were. I was so desperately afraid that one day he would wake up and realize what a terrible mistake he had made in marrying a basket case like me, and just walk out. It was totally irrational, but it was my fear.

      A couple of years ago, our marriage went through a really rough patch. We had been living in Louisville for about 2 years and had recently had our second child. I was miserable and we were disconnected and I just wanted to pack up and go home to NC, and I didn't really care if he came with me or not. A wonderful friend from church spoke into my life and encouraged me to share my feelings with my husband, and after weeks of prodding, I finally did. After a lot of tears and many conversations and a lot of hurting (because let's face it growth hurts) things did get better. Our marriage was improving, but I was still very reluctant to have a real backbone in our relationship.

     Then in September my community group leader encouraged me to join Women's School at Sojourn (our church here in Louisville). I reluctantly agreed, because this was way out of my comfort zone-sitting with women I did not know on a weekly basis, having to disciple someone, growing in my faith-all of this was very difficult for me, but in the end I agreed. This has turned out to be one of the best experiences of my life.

    Through Women's School I have been learning so much about my faith and the deep theology of Christianity. I am being pushed out of my comfort zone weekly and I am being challenged to become more than a spectator  in my faith. I am in the Word almost daily and I am even keeping a prayer journal, which I have never done for more than a couple of weeks in my life. But the best thing about Women's School is that it is showing me where my true identity lies-it is Jesus!!

    I have begun to realize and truly accept that, for so long, I was defining myself by what my husband's opinion of me was. If he was happy with me, than I was happy with myself. If he was unhappy with me, than I was a worthless piece of crap. Then one night something happened and I finally spoke up about my feelings. I told my husband exactly how I felt and how unhappy I was with the situation. Then I slept. I slept so peacefully that night, and I knew it was because I had done the right thing.

     The most amazing part did not happen until the next day. My husband was clearly upset with me and barely spoke to me that morning before he left for work. I almost caved. I almost texted him and told him that I was crazy and that I shouldn't have said anything and to please not be mad anymore; but I didn't. Instead I sought Godly wisdom from my mother and then I dove into the Word and took my concerns to my heavenly Father. In that moment I realized that every other time I had caved in the past, I had done so because I was believing Satan's lies that I needed my husband to approve of me to be worth anything. My husband's opinion does not define me, my identity is Jesus.That was the day that everything clicked for me and I saw a dramatic change in my life. Jesus became my backbone.

      Don't get me wrong, I still seek for my husband to approve of my choices, he is the head of our household and I value his opinion greatly. But I no longer define myself or my worth by his opinion, and you know what, he is proud of me for that. He has told me often over the past few months about how proud he is of me and he has even bragged on me to his family and friends. That feels good.

      Do I like conflict anymore than before? Not really. Do I like taking a stand? I still would rather not. But, I know that it's not about me or my comfort, it is about Jesus. I see the whole world differently and daily I am breaking down myself so that Jesus can become more clear in my life. I am leaning on Jesus to be my backbone when the need arises. So to explain my blog title, I am still reluctant about this whole backbone thing, but I am stepping out on faith and trusting Jesus to hold me and by my firm rock to stand on when the time comes.