There are things about me that I think make it hard to be my friend.
Big crowds cause me anxiety. I hate social situations where I don't know anyone and have to force myself to attend social functions. More times than I can count I have said something awkward or socially inapproriate or overshared. Often I will make the conversation about me (I really don't mean to and many times I don't realize it until after the fact). I am a work-from-home mom who also homeschools and has a child with multiple medical and other non-typical needs. I am an introvert who most of the time prefers being alone or with my immediate family because being around too many people can drain me of all my energy.
I am also lonely A LOT. When most people hear "introvert" they think: shy, doesn't like people, only wants to be alone, etc. And yes, there are times when I would rather be alone, but it is not because I dislike people or never want to be around others, it's just that I need alone time to recharge and reset. I want to be included, but it is hard for me to initiate a social hang-out. So, I end up sitting on the sidelines watching the people in my life do all the things I wish I was included in.
Another thing about me that makes it hard to be my friend: I'm a worse-case scenario type of person and unfortunately I have a bad tendecy to take things personally. I also hold things in and won't tell you if my feelings have been hurt. How this plays out in my friendships, I will see friends hanging out together and immediately question why I wasn't invited and think there is something wrong with me and that my friends don't actually like me, but I won't ever say anything to anyone. So I end up in this vicious cycle of wanting to be included, feeling left out when I'm not included, thinking that I'm not included because of some character flaw, and keeping silent about it all, which means my friends don't realize I want to be included, so I'm not included.
Whenever I get in this cycle, I try to remind myself that I'm not being intentionally left out. I will go through all of the logical reasons as to why I wasn't included: a friend is hanging out with her other friends and I'm not really friends with those people, my work schedule doesn't allow much flexibility during the week, my youngest has therapy four days a week, I've never indicated to said friends that I wanted to be included in the activity, if I really want to hang out I could pick up the phone. Sometimes this helps and I can see the irrationality spiral I am heading towards, but then there are times when all the logical reasons in the world can't keep me from spiraling into self-loathing loneliness.
I finally said out loud a while ago that I am lonely. I was talking to the hubby and finally said how much it hurts when I see my friends hanging out and I'm not included. We talked for a while and he reassured me that it's nothing against me and helped me think about steps I can take to be more included.
One of the things I have been doing lately is pushing myself outside my comfort zone and going to more social events. My church offers Women's School a few times a year, and I've signed up for it each time. Each time I am with a different group of women, which is pushing me to spend time weekly with people I normally wouldn't. I also plan on attending a Mom's Night Out later this month, something I normally wouldn't do. I don't love being in these kinds of social situations, but I'm trying to push myself out of my comfort zone.
I am also trying to simply say yes more often. Because of my social anxiety and introvertness (is that a word?) I have a bad habit of making excuses to not do something. It doesn't make sense, but even though I want to be included, sometimes the thought of being in an uncomfortable situation also seems so overwhelming that it's just easier to make an excuse and say no. Then I end up hating myself for being left out. Again vicious cycle. So, I'm trying to say yes and not make excuses.
Finally, I'm trying to speak out more. Just this week, I walked into a social setting and saw a friend who I hadn't seen in a while. She seemed so geniuely excited to see me and it really meant a lot to me. On the way home, I mentioned it to Aaron and said, I think I should tell her how much it meant to me. So, when we got home, I sent her a message letting her know that it meant a lot to me and that I had been really lonely and needed to feel wanted. It wasn't much, but it had a two-fold benefit. First, it let my friend know how awesome she is (because let's face it, she is), but it also pushed me to say the hard things. Yes, it was a good thing, but it was still hard. I had to be vulnerable and admit that I was lonely.
So here are some of the hard things I struggle to say: I want to be a better friend. I want to be the person other's think of when they are planning something. I want to be included. I don't want to be alone. I want to be seen.
Social gatherings do give me anxiety, but I also want to be included. I need space to recharge by myself, but I don't always want to be alone. I am introvert, and I am lonely.
