Silent No More

 

Image courtesy of Witthaya Phonsawat at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

     It has been a long time since I have written anything. In fact my last post was on November 11, 2014. Over the past couple of days I have been reading back through my old posts and realized that all of them had hope and pointed to Christ. I think the reason I haven't written is because over the past few months I have lost my hope. I have stopped looking to Christ as my comfort. I have let fear and shame and sadness silence me. I have been hiding my pain, but no more. Today I reclaim my voice and I share the ugly truth.
     About a month ago I was on my way to church and I was angry. Aaron and I had had yet another argument and I had stormed out. I was mad at life and like I so often do when I am alone in the car, I started talking to myself. My youngest sister, who passed away in October, was heavy on mind and heart and I began thinking that maybe I was not processing my grief well and that was manifesting itself in anger at everyone and everything.
     At church I ran into the wife of one of our elders, she and her husband head up the counseling ministry as a matter of fact. I realized in that moment that God had intervened and put me in the same space as the person who could help me. I basically stalked this woman until she and I could have a few moments alone. I shared with her some of the things that were plaguing my soul and she shared with me the steps I needed to take to receive Gospel Care and she prayed with me. Later that night she touched base with me again and we agreed that I would go through Gospel Care with our church's family pastor since I had been serving in the children's ministry for years.
    It took a few weeks but schedules finally worked out and two Saturdays ago, our family pastor, Aaron, and I meet for our first session. I went into this meeting thinking that I would be working through grief, but realized that there was so much more going on.
    My pastor shared that anger is a surface level emotion and that there is something deeper going on. Anger is easier than actually dealing with the real emotion. We spent this first meeting trying to determine what is going on deep in my soul. I shared with my pastor and my husband how I feel alone and like I shouldn't be sad about my sister since we didn't have a strong relationship and how I have irrational fears. I have actually shared about my fears and anxieties on the blog before. However, before that day I never realized just how far back my fears go.
     As we were talking I realized that my irrational fears go back to my childhood. I was a cautious kid who thought about the consequences before doing anything. I was a rule-follower to a fault. In fact, to this day I don't like The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss because the Cat was not supposed to be there and the kids did things they weren't supposed to do. My pastor asked me if I would ever tell anyone when I was afraid as a child and said, "not really, I would usually isolate myself in my room. I didn't tell my parents because I didn't want to add a burden to them." As we talked I also realized that I didn't share my fear because I was ashamed, I didn't want to be seen as weak or wrong or broken. I didn't want to make waves, so I buried my pain and I isolated myself. I'm pretty sure that my parents to this day don't know how often I was afraid as I child, sorry Mom and Dad. I don't fault my parents AT ALL, I am pretty good at hiding.
     I walked away from that meeting realizing that I get angry when I feel I am losing control, which I know is an illusion to begin with. I admitted to myself and my husband that I have irrational, exaggerated fears that at times can paralyze me. There are many things I don't even try or give up on almost immediately for fear of failing. I also realized that I have exaggerated shame. Because I never felt like I could share my fears or pain or failings, my shame became exaggerated. The hardest part was admitting that I don't trust Christ. I am Christian and I know all the right answers, I know that when I am afraid I should remember that God is in control, but I don't. Before this week, it had been a very long time since I had opened my Bible to have a quiet time. I was retreating from the Lord and I had stopped trusting that he could handle my life.
    As much as I hate to admit it, I struggle with depression and irrationality. I have seen this in very vivid ways this week. When I make a mistake, instead of learning from that mistake and growing, I spiral down into a self-loathing pit where I think, "I am screw-up and I am ruining my husband's life, he would be better off without me, it would be better if I was invisible." Having a clean house matters to my husband and this week I have been trying to make a more conscious effort to clean. However, I feel like a child because I once I clean something I immediately have to tell him what I did. I feel like I am jumping up and down saying, "look at me, look what I did, I am of value." I am so desperate for his affirmation that I sometimes force the issue.
     I have also seen this week how contradictory my behavior is to what I actually want from people. I pull away and isolate myself, yet I don't want to be alone. I act cold towards my husband when what I want most is for him to pull me in. I hide away my pain for fear of disapproval when what I want most is someone to step in to my darkness and see what is really there. I make myself invisible when all I want is to be seen and known.
     This morning we started a sermon series at church about feelings and we started the series off by talking about sadness and working through Psalm 77. Before our pastor began preaching the text he talked about the factors that cause sadness. There are situational factors, like losing a loved one or losing a job, there are physical factors, like stress and fatigue, and then there is clinical depression. As he was talking about clinical depression I realized for the first time that I am mostly afraid that one day I am going to be diagnosed with a mental illness. Mental illness runs in my family and the odds that I too have a mental illness are actually strong. I am afraid that I am crazy.
     I write this because I don't want to hide anymore. I no longer want to let my fear choke me and silence my voice. I no longer want my shame to paralyze me. I don't want to be invisible any longer, I want to be seen and known for all I am, even the ugly parts. I don't want to hide my pain and pretend that everything is okay. I want to trust that Christ does understand where I am and that he is in the midst of my darkness. I want to run to my Father instead of retreating into myself.
     There will be no Bible verses to end this post. I will not be sharing ways to love well a person struggling with the junk I struggle with. This is the beginning of my journey and I hope that you will come along with me. At times my journey will be dark and ugly, but there will also be times of joy and hope. My goal is to use this blog as a way to reclaim my voice. I have suffered in silence for too long, it is time to speak up and as my family pastor said, "make waves." Finally pray for me as I make this journey. Pray for my husband to have patience and understanding as he takes this journey with me. Pray for my kids that they will be able to see and learn how to deal with emotions in a healthy way through my journey. Pray for the people who are helping me along the way that God will use them to speak truth to my soul.

I Do Not Feel Saved

     I am and always have been an overly emotional person. I cry at commercials, movies, books, stories, etc. When something makes me happy, I can soar off into elation rather quickly. When something makes me mad, I can rapidly spiral down into full blown, hard-to-control anger. Emotional responses make me feel alive in a way, and I rely on my emotions too often to gauge the reality or depth of something.
     For many years, I believed that to be saved I had to feel saved. I sought an emotional high that would make me feel good and thus assure me of a real salvation. Year after year I would rededicate my life to Jesus at summer camp. Anytime I attended a youth retreat or worship concert or Christian day at Carowinds, I was one of the first to run to the front during the altar call. I wanted to feel saved so I chased emotional experience after emotional experience. Not surprisingly, my emotions would eventually fade and I wouldn't feel saved anymore and I would fear going to hell. My emotions could never assure me for long.
   
     Jeremiah 17:9 - "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?"

     My heart and my emotions are incredibly fickle and they change dependent upon my circumstances. I never experienced a true, lasting heart change, so my emotional highs were simply lies meant to deceive me and prevent me from seeking out Christ in a real way. The enemy fed me the lie that I had to feel saved to be saved. I was following my emotional responses straight to hell.
     For those of you who have been following on my blogging journey, you know that God has been changing my heart in real, lasting ways. I am seeking Christ as opposed to emotional responses. I am relying on the truth of Scripture, not necessarily what makes me feel good. I no longer have the need to feel saved because I know I am saved.

     1 Corinthians 1:21-22 - "And it is God who establishes us with you in Christ, and has anointed us, and who has also put his seal on us and has given us his Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee."

     Romans 8:16 - "The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God."

    2 Timothy 1:12 -"Which is why I suffer as I do. But I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have 
believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me."

     As I study and learn more about my God, the more I am assured of my salvation. "Jesus is Lord" is my sacred confession and I know that my God is mighty enough to save me, even when my emotions are not completely in tune. I believe the words in 1 John 3:20 that "God is greater than [my] heart." ( [my] changed from the word [our] for emphasis of the point.)
     Some still ask, well how do you know you're saved if you don't feel it? I know I am saved because of the evidences of a changed life in me. I am not the person I was before Christ, because Christ is now in me and I seek him and his glory.

     2 Corinthians 5:17 - "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has      passed away; behold the new has come."

   Ezekiel 36:26-27 - "And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in statues and be careful to obey my rules.

    I am a new creation in Jesus, with a new heart, even on the days I don't feel all that new. I have an assurance in something far greater than my emotions-I have assurance in the power of Christ's death and resurrection to save me and make me righteous. I don't have to feel saved, because God has already saved me and I can cling to that confidence when times are hard and circumstances dictate my fickle emotions.

    Hebrews 10:21-23 - "And since we have a great high priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful."
 
   This is not to say that there is not an emotional response that comes with new life in Christ. Absolutely, when you enter into new life, you will feel joy and elation and your emotions will be bubbling over. You will have times when you will feel like your heart is going to burst from the overflow of love and grace you feel through the Spirit. I am not saying that emotions are evil or that we should never feel anything, I am saying that we cannot rely on our emotions to assure us of our salvation. Feel your emotions, but trust in your Jesus for your salvation and rest in the Spirit to assure you of your adoption into God's family.