Next Steps, Fundraising, and Holding Pattern

   Last week, I shared with you about how Aaron and I have started the process to hopefully adopt a child with special needs from out of foster care. Currently, we are in somewhat of a holding pattern as we wait for our foster care classes to begin, but since we are not very good at staying still, we have entered full force into fundraising mode.
   After I posted our blog last week I was overwhelmed by the support we received and the offers from people who want to help. One of those people was a friend who is incredibly creative, named Kim. Kim contacted me the morning after I posted the blog and told me about these beautiful prints that she has designed.

 
 These prints are available online here: http://kd316.com/2015/06/13/heart-hope-justice-adoption-aaron-and-lisa-tant/. Each print sells for $16 and $10 from each sale will go towards our adoption fund.
     I am an Usborne Books and More consultant and my upline suggested that I do Parties for a Cause. So for the rest of this summer, every party I do, whether it be a home party, a Facebook party, or an e-show, will be Party for a Cause, with 20% of the retail sales going towards our adoption fund. I am very excited about this because I get to share something that I love with people and help children get their hands on amazing books, all while raising money to prepare to expand my family. Doesn't get much better than that! You can learn more about Usborne by going to my website: https://z3029.myubam.com/103894

   

 Another way we are raising money and involving our family in North Carolina is by doing a Cards for a Cause fundraiser through Usborne. Our family is selling boxes of greeting cards for $30. Each box has 30 individually wrapped greeting cards with envelopes and these are the really nice cards that normally cost $4 at the store. There are 2 general boxes and a Kids' box. The general boxes have a variety of cards-get well cards, thank you cards, birthday cards, etc. The Kids' box has 30 kid-friendly birthday cards. The best part is that $13 of every box sold will go to our adoption fund. 

  

  Towards the end of July or the beginning of August, we will be having a yard sale. Several of our friends have offered to go through their stuff and donate items for the sale. Aaron is the least excited about this particular fundraiser as he does not like yard sales, however we are committed to raising money however we can.

    Finally, we also have a GoFundMe page. 

    So that is where we are, taking our next steps and trying to be productive while in our current holding pattern. Continue to pray for us throughout this journey and if you are interested in any of our fundraisers, please let me know. 

Stepping out of the Hypothetical

    A little less than a year ago I shared with everyone my family's desire to begin the adoption process. In all honesty, even though we had a time frame in mind, adoption was still a very hypothetical "one day we'll do it" type of thing. That all changed a few weeks ago.
    My mom and sister were up for a visit and one evening my mom was contacted by a friend who is a social worker. This friend shared with my mom that a child with special needs was going to be available for adoption soon. As my mom was describing the child, I immediately said, "I want him." There was no hesitation on my part, I just knew that he was the child I wanted.
    I talked about it with Aaron and it didn't take long for him to get on board as well. We started feeling the waters to see if adopting this child, who is currently in another state, was even a possibility. After talking to our friend, we learned that inter-state adoption was very much a possibility and that our next step was to beginning the process of being licensed as foster parents in our state. It just happened to work out that the very day we called to get information they were having an information meeting that night. Attending the meeting was the first step in becoming foster parents and we signed up that night to begin classes the first weekend in August. This morning someone from county where this child is called us and reaffirmed that inter-state adoption was possible and that we are definitely on the right track to adopt this child. In the matter of a few days, adoption went from a "one day hypothetical" to a very real possibility.
     So what's next? While we are waiting to begin our foster care classes there are several things that need to be done. First is we need to do some remodeling on our home. The biggest priority is remodeling the basement. Currently we have a guest room on our main floor which will need to become this child's room. That means that our basement, that is partially finished but not a very pleasant place, needs to be remodeled into a functioning guest space. We would also like to open up our kitchen to accommodate more people. Another large purchase we will need to make is a mini-van. Currently, our vehicle cannot comfortably seat 5 people, and this child will require equipment that will require more storage space in our vehicle.
    All of these things unfortunately cost money (oh how I wish we still worked on the barter system). We do not wish to go into more debt, so we are going to begin fundraisers in the coming weeks. We plan to do a Cards for a Cause fundraiser, a yard sale, search for grants, publicize our GoFundMe page, and ask for people with skills to donate their time and skills. Our goal is to raise enough money to purchase an appropriate vehicle and do the necessary renovations in our home. Then if there is any money left over we will use that money to pay down our debt. We want to be the best stewards of our resources so that we can best care for our children, and we feel that getting rid of our debt is one way to do that.
     We will attend pre-service classes every Saturday in August and then at the end of that month our first home visit will be scheduled. Our hope is that all the necessary renovations are complete by this point. During this time of waiting my husband and I also plan on becoming experts in this child's disability so that we are prepared when the time comes.
     During the next few months please pray with us and for us. Pray that we will continue to have smooth sailing with the process. Pray that we will be able to raise the necessary money to do all that needs to be done before our home is ready to welcome another child. Pray that we will continue to have realistic expectations through this process. We understand that this will not be a quick process or an easy transition and that there is a chance that this child will be placed with another family.
 

Silent No More

 

Image courtesy of Witthaya Phonsawat at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

     It has been a long time since I have written anything. In fact my last post was on November 11, 2014. Over the past couple of days I have been reading back through my old posts and realized that all of them had hope and pointed to Christ. I think the reason I haven't written is because over the past few months I have lost my hope. I have stopped looking to Christ as my comfort. I have let fear and shame and sadness silence me. I have been hiding my pain, but no more. Today I reclaim my voice and I share the ugly truth.
     About a month ago I was on my way to church and I was angry. Aaron and I had had yet another argument and I had stormed out. I was mad at life and like I so often do when I am alone in the car, I started talking to myself. My youngest sister, who passed away in October, was heavy on mind and heart and I began thinking that maybe I was not processing my grief well and that was manifesting itself in anger at everyone and everything.
     At church I ran into the wife of one of our elders, she and her husband head up the counseling ministry as a matter of fact. I realized in that moment that God had intervened and put me in the same space as the person who could help me. I basically stalked this woman until she and I could have a few moments alone. I shared with her some of the things that were plaguing my soul and she shared with me the steps I needed to take to receive Gospel Care and she prayed with me. Later that night she touched base with me again and we agreed that I would go through Gospel Care with our church's family pastor since I had been serving in the children's ministry for years.
    It took a few weeks but schedules finally worked out and two Saturdays ago, our family pastor, Aaron, and I meet for our first session. I went into this meeting thinking that I would be working through grief, but realized that there was so much more going on.
    My pastor shared that anger is a surface level emotion and that there is something deeper going on. Anger is easier than actually dealing with the real emotion. We spent this first meeting trying to determine what is going on deep in my soul. I shared with my pastor and my husband how I feel alone and like I shouldn't be sad about my sister since we didn't have a strong relationship and how I have irrational fears. I have actually shared about my fears and anxieties on the blog before. However, before that day I never realized just how far back my fears go.
     As we were talking I realized that my irrational fears go back to my childhood. I was a cautious kid who thought about the consequences before doing anything. I was a rule-follower to a fault. In fact, to this day I don't like The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss because the Cat was not supposed to be there and the kids did things they weren't supposed to do. My pastor asked me if I would ever tell anyone when I was afraid as a child and said, "not really, I would usually isolate myself in my room. I didn't tell my parents because I didn't want to add a burden to them." As we talked I also realized that I didn't share my fear because I was ashamed, I didn't want to be seen as weak or wrong or broken. I didn't want to make waves, so I buried my pain and I isolated myself. I'm pretty sure that my parents to this day don't know how often I was afraid as I child, sorry Mom and Dad. I don't fault my parents AT ALL, I am pretty good at hiding.
     I walked away from that meeting realizing that I get angry when I feel I am losing control, which I know is an illusion to begin with. I admitted to myself and my husband that I have irrational, exaggerated fears that at times can paralyze me. There are many things I don't even try or give up on almost immediately for fear of failing. I also realized that I have exaggerated shame. Because I never felt like I could share my fears or pain or failings, my shame became exaggerated. The hardest part was admitting that I don't trust Christ. I am Christian and I know all the right answers, I know that when I am afraid I should remember that God is in control, but I don't. Before this week, it had been a very long time since I had opened my Bible to have a quiet time. I was retreating from the Lord and I had stopped trusting that he could handle my life.
    As much as I hate to admit it, I struggle with depression and irrationality. I have seen this in very vivid ways this week. When I make a mistake, instead of learning from that mistake and growing, I spiral down into a self-loathing pit where I think, "I am screw-up and I am ruining my husband's life, he would be better off without me, it would be better if I was invisible." Having a clean house matters to my husband and this week I have been trying to make a more conscious effort to clean. However, I feel like a child because I once I clean something I immediately have to tell him what I did. I feel like I am jumping up and down saying, "look at me, look what I did, I am of value." I am so desperate for his affirmation that I sometimes force the issue.
     I have also seen this week how contradictory my behavior is to what I actually want from people. I pull away and isolate myself, yet I don't want to be alone. I act cold towards my husband when what I want most is for him to pull me in. I hide away my pain for fear of disapproval when what I want most is someone to step in to my darkness and see what is really there. I make myself invisible when all I want is to be seen and known.
     This morning we started a sermon series at church about feelings and we started the series off by talking about sadness and working through Psalm 77. Before our pastor began preaching the text he talked about the factors that cause sadness. There are situational factors, like losing a loved one or losing a job, there are physical factors, like stress and fatigue, and then there is clinical depression. As he was talking about clinical depression I realized for the first time that I am mostly afraid that one day I am going to be diagnosed with a mental illness. Mental illness runs in my family and the odds that I too have a mental illness are actually strong. I am afraid that I am crazy.
     I write this because I don't want to hide anymore. I no longer want to let my fear choke me and silence my voice. I no longer want my shame to paralyze me. I don't want to be invisible any longer, I want to be seen and known for all I am, even the ugly parts. I don't want to hide my pain and pretend that everything is okay. I want to trust that Christ does understand where I am and that he is in the midst of my darkness. I want to run to my Father instead of retreating into myself.
     There will be no Bible verses to end this post. I will not be sharing ways to love well a person struggling with the junk I struggle with. This is the beginning of my journey and I hope that you will come along with me. At times my journey will be dark and ugly, but there will also be times of joy and hope. My goal is to use this blog as a way to reclaim my voice. I have suffered in silence for too long, it is time to speak up and as my family pastor said, "make waves." Finally pray for me as I make this journey. Pray for my husband to have patience and understanding as he takes this journey with me. Pray for my kids that they will be able to see and learn how to deal with emotions in a healthy way through my journey. Pray for the people who are helping me along the way that God will use them to speak truth to my soul.