When My World Falls Apart, God Is Still on the Throne

  God is good, even in the midst of tragedy and suffering. This truth has become real to me in a profound way this week. God is never taken by surprise. This truth has brought me unbelievable comfort over the past few days.
    On Tuesday evening I heard the devastating news that my youngest sister had died. My sister, Lyn, was only 20 years old. Lyn suffered from Type 1 Diabetes and heart disease along with several other medical conditions. Her death was the result of complications from these things.

The last time we were all together: Mandy, me, and Lyn.

   This week I have felt a wide range of emotions.

   I have felt devastation as I sobbed in the car after hearing the news. My sister was so young and her death was preventable.

   I have felt helpless in the wake of her death when I could not be with my family immediately. I live 6 hours away in another state and much of the responsibilities fell to my dad and middle sister, Mandy.

   I have felt deep sadness. My relationship with Lyn was strained and distant. We had spoken only a few times in the past months and I had not seen her since Christmas. I am saddened that the reconciliation that I had prayed for will never happen.

   I have felt sickening heartache. When I think about all the things that my sister will not get to do, get engaged, get married, have kids, etc, my heart simply breaks. When I think about her final days on this earth, very sick and alone and most likely scared, I am grieved beyond words. 

   I have felt anger. I am angry at my sister for not taking better care of herself. I am angry at myself for not reaching out to her more and for not being more gracious towards her. I am angry at the seemingly unfairness of it all. I am angry at people who are insensitive to our family's grief.

    I have felt overwhelmed. Today, my first day back home since my sister's death, has been incredibly overwhelming. It is becoming real as I see firsthand that the world has not stopped turning. Honestly, I did not want to get out of bed today. Facing the world has seemed just too much.

    My emotions are all over the place, as you can see, but I take great comfort in knowing that God is still seated on the throne while my world seems to be falling apart. 

    This is not the first death that has rocked my world, and I know that it will not be the last, but I can honestly say that this is the first time I have not been angry at God. This is the first time that I have had peace underneath all my other emotions. This is the first time that the knowledge of God being in control and not surprised has actually brought me comfort.

    My sister's death was sudden and none of us were prepared for it. We were surprised, but God was not. Before the beginning of time, God ordained the exact moment when my sister would die, and while he hurt with my family, he was not surprised by her death. God is still sovereign and in control and there is amazing comfort in that fact. I don't understand why God chose last Monday to be Lyn's final day on this earth, but I don't need to understand. I know that this all works to his glory and is all part of his plan.

   My world may feel as if it is falling apart, but God is still on his throne. This did not catch him off guard or throw him for a loop. He is not scrambling around trying to come up with a Plan B. God is in control and nothing has happened apart from his knowledge or his ordination. That is the greatest comfort of all.

   Pray for my family as we face life without Lyn. She takes a part of us with her and we will never be the same. I am forever thankful for the years she was my sister and I will miss her every day.

    

   

God's Gracious Gift of Sophia Joelle

   It is hard to believe that 4 years (and about 5 hours) ago today I looked upon the face of my Pretty Girl for the first time!

My first real glimpse of our Pretty Girl

Oh my that face!

   Some of you may have read my son's birth story on his birthday two months ago, and today I want to share my sweet girl's birth story. Those of you who have read Eli's birth story know that it was a very difficult and traumatic experience for all of us. Aaron and I believed that we were done having children after Eli and that we would simply adopt from that point on. However, God, as he always does, knew better.

    In August of 2009 we  moved to Louisville, KY so my husband could begin seminary. It was a difficult transition, I did not get a job until February of 2010 and we were without health insurance for much of this time. While my husband and I took precautions, in January of 2010 we found out that I was pregnant for the second time.

    I wish I could say that I was filled with joy the day I took the pregnancy test, but I am sad to say I was not. We were struggling financially and I was terrified that Aaron would be mad. I was scared that we would not be able to provide for this new life. And mostly I was scared that I would experience another traumatic birth.

    My pregnancy with Sophia was anything but easy. Within just a few weeks of finding out I was pregnant, I began to have some spotting and was afraid I was having a miscarriage. I felt so guilty because I felt like I was being punished for not being happy about my pregnancy. 

    I am Rh-negative, which means my blood does not have the Rh antigen. My husband's blood does possess the Rh antigen so our children also have the Rh antigen. Since I am Rh-negative, there is a risk that when the baby's blood and my blood mix together, which often happens, my body will treat the baby as if I am allergic to the baby and create antibodies. In subsequent pregnancies, those antibodies can actually cross the placenta and attack the baby. To help keep this from happening I have to have a Rhogam shot halfway through each pregnancy and again after each baby is born. It also means that I have to have a Rhogam shot after any miscarriages.

    Because of my blood type, I had to go to the emergency room when I began spotting so they could give me the Rhogam shot in case I was miscarrying. That was a very long and lonely day. There was not much that could be done, so they gave me a shot, told me to follow up with a OB-GYN in a week, and sent me home. We spent the next week in limbo waiting to see if we were going to actually have another baby.

     However, God showed us tremendous grace and a week later I got to see my baby's heartbeat for the first time. I wish I could say that it was all smooth sailing from there, but it was not. I found out during labor that I had a lot of amniotic fluid, more than normal, and which had caused my belly to grow very quickly and to be quite large during my pregnancy. My stomach was so big that it was painful to walk around and I felt like my skin was tearing for many weeks. During my pregnancy I also had to be hospitalized because I caught a stomach bug and became severely dehydrated. 

    This pregnancy took quite a toll on my body and Aaron and I made the decision that I would have my tubes tied once Sophia was born. It was not a decision we came to lightly, and it was one that some may judge, but we knew it was the right decision for our family.

    The day Sophia was born was quite an eventful day. I started having contractions on Thursday night, but by Friday morning they had basically stopped. Friday morning Aaron and I went to run some errands because we were moving into our new house the next day, Saturday September 11th. I had a total of two contractions all morning Friday, so Aaron went to work as normal that afternoon. Not long after Aaron left for work I started having regular contractions and after an hour I called Aaron at work and told him he needed to come home.

     Around 7 pm Aaron and I headed to the hospital after I had a contraction that lasted over 2 minutes. We were admitted, I was given a wonderful epidural, and then we began the waiting game. At 2:30 a.m. I was told that it was time to push. However, I was only able to push one time before the doctor said "Stop!" We had lost Sophia's heartbeat because of the stress, so I had to sit up and wait. Thirty minutes later I attempted to push again, but the same thing happened. Over the next two hours, I would push once every 30 minutes and be told to stop. Finally, at 4:30 am I was able to push and twenty minutes later, at 4:51 am, our daughter was out in the world.

     While I held my daughter, the doctors struggled to remove my placenta. It was a very long and difficult process and I was told AFTER the fact that everyone was worried that I would have to be taken into the OR to have it removed. Aaron and I knew something was wrong throughout the entire delivery process, you could feel the tension among the medical staff, but no one really communicated anything to us.

    Finally, labor was completely done and all the doctors and nurses left the room. Aaron and my dad left around 6 am to go get a little sleep before friends would be at our apartment to help us move. It would be 8 pm, almost 16 hours later, before Aaron would actually get to hold his daughter for the first time. (The hospital where Sophia was born does Kangaroo Care, which means I held Sophia skin to skin for the first few hours after she was born. That meant Aaron was not allowed to hold her before he had to leave.)

    A few days later we brought home our beautiful baby girl and now here we are 4 years later.

4 years of Princess Sophia!

    It is hard to imagine our family without Sophia in it. I thought that our family was complete when our son was born, but God knew that we needed Sophia. Sophia is spunky and sassy and highly emotional. You never have to guess what Sophia is feeling because she will show you. Sophia is imaginative and creative and really intelligent. She balances out our family. She is our Pretty Girl and I would not trade her for anything in the world.

     As she gets older, she will want to know the story of her birth, and for a long time I struggled with what I would say to her. Would I tell her that she was unplanned or that I wasn't always happy about being pregnant? Over the years I realized that Sophia's birth story is not about me and it's not even about her, it is about a gracious and sovereign God who saw fit to make us the parents of such a precious girl. When she wants to know the story of her birth, I will tell her about how God is so good and how undeserving I was to be her mom, but God gave her to me as a gift anyway. I will tell her of how God protected her from her earliest moments and he is still protecting her today. I will tell her of how she makes our family whole and without her, parts of all of us would still be missing. I will tell her that she is loved, not only by us, but by her perfect Heavenly Father.

Happy Birthday to our Pretty Girl, our Sweet, Sassy, Crazy Princess Sophia!

Bird's Nests, Fear, Provisions, and Trust

    Last week was absolutely crazy at our house. Early in the week I began hearing what sounded like birds chirping in our attic, but I really only heard it in the mornings and when I would go upstairs to investigate, the chirping kind of stopped. On Wednesday evening, I mentioned it to my husband and we both heard a little chirping before we put our son to bed, but didn't think much of it.
    Thursday morning, I sat down in the living room and heard what sounded like something falling behind the curtain on the office window. Thinking my 3 year old daughter had been playing in there and left something on the window sill, I sent her in to see what it was. The next thing I know my precious daughter comes running back to the couch screaming, "It's a bird! It's a bird!" (I know Mom of the Year Award goes to me).
     My first thought was to get the kids out of the house and then go get my neighbor to help me. We started to go out the front door and the bird started flying towards us, so out the back door we went. My neighbor was not home, so I called my husband who was able to leave work an hour later to come home and deal with the bird situation.
      We discovered that afternoon that we not only had a bird in house, we had a FAMILY of birds in our attic.To give a little explanation, our home has a finished attic with two rooms, which are perfect for our kids bedrooms. My son's room has been completely remodeled, but my daughter's room has only been demoed, which means there are no walls and the birds were able to freely move about the room. My husband and I even got to watch one of the baby birds hop around the room before hopping back to the nest. We knew then that this was more than we could handle.
       I like to think that my husband and I are pretty humane people, so we knew we did not want to kill the birds. We called around to several animal removal places for assistance. Pretty much everyone we called could not come out until the following day, which was worrisome to say the least, but we finally found one guy who was willing to come out late that afternoon.
      The wonderful man came out to our house and did a thorough inspection identifying 3 or 4 holes in the exterior of our home through which all sorts of fun wild life could enter. The guy told us that he would be able to remove the birds and the nest, fix up the holes (although not until the next week) and spray a special cleaner that would get rid of any germs the birds might have brought in along with taking care of the bird mites that had begun to form. This was exactly the assurance we needed, until he informed us of that all of this would cost us just $2 shy of $1000.
      I am not ashamed to say that I felt physically ill at that point. We did not have an extra $1000 lying around, heck we did not have $1000 at all. Thankfully we were able to split it up into 2 payments, paying half that day and the rest when the job was done. We knew that we had to at least get the birds out and the mites taken care of that day and we agreed to deal with the holes in the house for a week until we could get paid and get the guy back out to the house.
     Later that evening, I made the comment about going to the store to pick up a few things when my husband informed me that there was no money. He had already paid several bills that morning and the $500 we had to pay for the bird removal would completely wipe out our bank account. As I stood in our kitchen staring at our very empty shelves, fear set in. I took a silent inventory of the food we had in the house: a partial box of rice, a box of mac and cheese, a can of corn and two cans of whole potatoes, a box of cereal, some chicken nuggets, and a partial package of hot dogs. That was it, there was no other food.
      It felt like I was punched in the gut as I realized I did not have enough food to feed my kids for the week. I went into the bathroom and had a full on meltdown. I sobbed for several minutes and hyperventilated as the fear fully set in. I cannot remember a time that I have been so afraid. We have been in tight financial situations before, but there was always something there: a little bit of money in the savings, a visit from family that would result in extra money being left on the table, something. This time, there was nothing.
      I went to bed that night still afraid and feeling very dejected. The next morning, I simply did not want to get out of bed. Everything just seemed too much to handle. I was not trusting God and I was afraid.
      The kids and I ended up spending the day at the seminary where my husband manages a coffee shop due to Mama Bird still flying around some. The hubby and I were very transparent with our friends, telling them exactly what was going on and just how much money we were having to pay. Several people offered us encouragement and prayed with us. One of the many benefits of working on a seminary is that everyone puts you to the only real provider, God!
       Over the next 48 hours God showed up for us in really big ways. We found an envelope with $300 on the windshield of our car that afternoon. The next day, a friend and I were talking about all that happened and how we were having to deal with the Mama Bird still flying in because of having to wait for payday to patch the holes. This friend without missing a beat, offered to lend us $500 so we could get the holes taken care of sooner. Then another friend completely took us by surprise by giving us another $100. Needless to say there have been a lot of tears of joy and repentance over the last few days.
      I don't trust God like I should. When things are going good, I can talk about all the times that God has shown up and provided in the past, but when the circumstances get tough, I cannot seem to recall those times. I don't believe that God is going to show up this time, even though he has never failed me in the past. I believe that I am in control and when God reminds me that I am not, I get upset and throw a tantrum like a toddler. I think I am strong, and when God reveals my weakness, I fight back and get mad.
     Yesterday at church we began a 14 week series studying revivals in the Old Testament. The first sermon was about Hannah in 1 Samuel. Our pastor said something that was really profound and kind of hit me in the gut.

     "God uses brokenness as a building block for Revival. God doesn't meet us when we put our best foot forward-he meets us in the midst of our weakness." Daniel Montgomery

     Daniel spoke on how the pattern for revival is the same throughout the Bible: humble yourself before the Lord. My husband looked over at me and asked, "is that what is going on with us right now?" We are not a very humble couple. In fact, we take pride in our ability to scheme and provide for our family and we like to believe that we are in control. We are not good at being transparent with our community and being honest and humble about our struggles. It is hard for us, especially me, to remember that everything we have comes from God. I can speak the truth to others and even be moved by a song that calls me to remember all I have is Christ, but deep down I don't believe it.
     It is amazing the things God can use to teach us more about himself. For me, he used a bird nest and a creepy Mama Bird flying around my  house to show me that he is trustworthy. God is showing me my weakness so that I will humble myself before him. God is meeting me in the midst of my chaos and feelings of incompetence and fear and showing me how incomparable and trustworthy he truly is.

Seeing God in The Midst of Chaos

   This has been a week of great vehicular chaos for my family, and especially my poor husband.

• On Friday night, a little after midnight, someone was leaving the house across the street and backed into my husband's car (which was parked in the ditch in front of our house) leaving two huge dents in the side. When my husband saw the damage on Saturday and confronted the people living there, no one would admit to it, which means that we can't really do anything about it.
• On Sunday, my husband was driving home from church and someone basically ran him off the road causing him to shred his tire on the curb
• Yesterday morning (Wednesday) on the way to work someone stopped suddenly in front of my husband, he didn't have time to react and he ran into the back of the car.

     Having one car involved in 3 accidents in 5 days is just not something that happens often. When my husband called me yesterday morning to inform me of the accident, his first words were, "I quit this week." At the time I did not know what to say other than I was so sorry it happened and that I loved him and that I was so glad he was ok. I spent my time alone with God yesterday praying for my husband, seeking out Scripture, and just leaning on God to help us see and feel his presence in the midst of what felt like complete and utter chaos.

      As I sought comfort in God's word I kept being reminded that God is in complete control and that nothing that has happened in the last week caught him off guard. He was not surprised by the fact Aaron was in 3 wrecks in 5 days-God knew what was going to happen and this all fits into his grand plan. Our initial reaction is to question God's plan and to be confused by what could possibly come out of this chaos. We want to know the plan. But we don't deserve to be privy to God's plan. We could not even begin to comprehend God's plan even if he did let us in on it. We are not promised to ever know how the plan will work out, we are only promised that God does have a plan.

       Yesterday Aaron and I both took great comfort in the fact that God is in control and that he has a good handle on everything. My husband pointed out yesterday that it was so comforting to know that God was not only sovereign but near in the chaos. God was not off on a business trip when Aaron wrecked his car yesterday. He was right there with Aaron. That is a beautiful truth to cling to.

        As I do often here on the blog, I want to share the Scripture that really spoke truth into our chaos yesterday.

    

       "putting everything in subjection under his feet." Now putting everything in subjection to               him, he left nothing outside his control. At present, we do not yet see everything in                           subjection to him." Hebrews 2:8

        - Nothing is outside of the control of God - NOTHING! We are not in a place where we can fully understand that truth, but it is truth none the less. God is in control!

         "I form light and create darkness, I make well-being and create calamity, I am the Lord, who           does all things." Isaiah 45:7

         - God is working everything to his plan and he is in control

         "The Lord has everything for its purpose, even the wicked for the day of trouble." 

         Proverbs 16:4

         -God has purposed everything to fulfill his great plan. We may not ever know that plan, but the plan is still in place. God knows what he is doing and I need to simply rest in the fact that he is in control.

        "For by him all things were created in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether              thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities - all things were created through him and for            him. And he is before all things and in him all things hold together." Colossians 1:16-17

        - God is still holding everything together, even when it seems like it is all falling apart.

        Finally I was comforted by the story of Jesus calming the raging sea (Matthew 8:23-27; Mark 4:35-41; Luke 8:22-25). All around the disciples the seas were raging and I'm sure they were certain their deaths were upon them. Then Jesus stood up and spoke to the winds and the waves and they stopped. At the sound of their Maker's voice, the winds and waves obeyed and stopped raging. My God is still that God who can calm a raging sea with just the sound of his voice.

I Am Not God!

    Sometimes I think I know better than God. There are times when I believe that I know exactly what should happen in a given situation, and I pray for exactly that outcome. When the answer to my prayers is "no" and things don't go according to my plan, I doubt God's sovereignty and his plan. In the times when the answer is "no" I begin to doubt if God actually hears my prayers and I doubt whether he actually is working towards the good of his people. I forget that I am only seeing a minuscule part of a massive and intricate picture. I forget that I am not the center of the universe.
      There is a person in my life whom I have been praying for fervently. I believe that I know exactly what this person needs (apart from a true relationship with Jesus) and I have been praying for my plan for this person to come to fruition. I have found Scripture to pray through for this person that I think justify my perspective. A couple of weeks ago a situation arose in this person's life and I truly believed that my plan was about to be enacted in this person's life. I actually thanked God for the situation because it meant that what I thought should happen would happen. Then God answered my prayers with a great big resounding, "NO".
      In the days that followed I questioned God. I just could not understand how he could tell me "no" when clearly my plan was the best thing for this person. As I talked to other people connected to the situation we all talked about how it was hard to see God' sovereignty. Because I could not see the bigger plan, I chose to believe that God had dropped the ball. My arrogance and sin kept me from seeing God's grace in the life of this person.
     How often do we chose to question God rather than trust him? How often do we chose anger over being told "no" rather than rejoicing in our God's sovereignty? How often do we believe the lie that we are God?
     The truth of the matter is that I am not God. It is not up to Lisa Tant to keep the universe moving. It is not up to Lisa Tant to bring about the ultimate plan of our great God. It is not up to you either! Our plans cannot compare to the big beautiful plan that God has had in place since the beginning of time. That is a truth that is really difficult to grasp, but it is a beautiful truth worth clinging to.
      God has had an ultimate, complete plan since BEFORE the beginning of time.

     Psalm 139:16 - "Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written every one of      them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."

    Isaiah 46:9b-10 - "for I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me,           declaring the end from the beginning and from ancient times things not yet done, saying, 'My         counsel shall stand, and I will accomplish my purpose,"

    Our God created the whole universe by simply speaking it into existence for the sole purpose of bringing glory to himself. God put into play, from the beginning, a beautiful salvation plan that calls his people to himself. Our God is at work and who are we to question his great plan?
     When I begin to question God's goodness and sovereignty in the plans of my life, I remind myself of the story of Job. Job was a good, righteous man who feared the Lord and Satan attacked him and caused him great suffering. We, the readers, are able to see the greater plan at play in this story, but Job was never given that privilege. He only knew his current suffering and yet he still trusted in the goodness of his God. I love the end of Job, chapter 38 to the end. The Lord speaks into Job's situation, not with a great revelation of the plan at play, but simply by saying, "who are you?" Basically God says to Job, "were you there when I created everything? Are you able to control time? Do you possess the ability to control any part of creation?" God does not reveal his plan to Job, but simply establishes that he has a plan.
       We need to remember that God is in control and we have done nothing to earn knowledge of that plan. We cannot comprehend the thoughts of God and we are foolish to think that we can come up with a plan that can outdo God.

     Job 42:2 - "I know that you can do all things, and that no plan of yours can be thwarted."

    Isaiah 55:8-9 - "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,                declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than            your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

   God is in control, and that is all we need to know.