Friday, December 27, 2013

Making the Difficult Choice of Reconciliation

    Reconciliation is a difficult thing. In our culture, we don't really like to reconcile with others, especially when they have wronged us. Culture tells us to write those people off and just move on with life. But Christ calls us to something different, and that call is a tough one to heed.
     Christ shows us in the way he lived his life that we are to love our enemies and to make things right with our brothers. We are called to forgive 70 times 7 times, even when we don't want to. Jesus, while dying on the cross, called out, "Father, forgive them." Showing someone the love of Jesus requires that we be involved in their lives and that sometimes means reconciling with someone who has hurt us in the past.
     Aaron and I each have a family member whom we have been called to reconcile with. I am not going to go into the details about these situations or even name these family members because this is not the place to do so. Just suffice it to say that each of these people has hurt us, they have disappointed us and let us down, and they have done these things multiple times. However, these are people whom Aaron and I do love a great deal and whom we desire to have a relationship, in spite of past wrongs.
      Aaron and I strive to make time for these people during visits, we reach out to them, and we include them in our lives. Other people do not always understand why we continue to seek relationships with these people and even other members of our family question us when we make time for these people, but we keep seeking them out. We feel that we are called by God to have relationships with these people to live out the gospel for them. Aaron and I love these people too much to see them go to hell. So we keep pursuing them and showing them the love of Jesus in the hopes that one day they will see their need for Jesus and will call out to him for salvation.
      I truly believe that Christians are called to reconcile with others, because through reconciliation we are living out the gospel. We once were sinners separated from God until Jesus came to reconcile us to him. So to live out the gospel, we sometimes have to do the hard thing and reconcile with someone who has treated us poorly. I encourage you, my brothers and sisters in Christ to think long and hard about the people in your life and ask God to reveal who he would have you reconcile with. Reconciliation is hard and I am including some of the things that Aaron and I do to pursue reconciliation.

1. Make time for that person.
      Aaron and I make periodic trips back home and we always try to carve out time for these two people during these trips. This means that we take time away from other members of our family, but we feel this is a sacrifice that we need to make. We try to carve out a few hours for these people during each trip to just hang out and visit. We do not shove Jesus down their throats, we just spend time together, catching up on life. By making time for these people we are showing them that they are important and that they matter.

2. Include that person in your life.
      Facebook is great medium for reconciliation. Message that person periodically to let them now what is going on. Tag them in your pictures. Send them Christmas cards, invitations, etc. When you have news that you want to share with your family, make sure these people are included. This shows your desire to have them in your life.

3. Show them grace, without being naive.
      This is a really tough line to walk. As followers of Christ we are called to show others the same grace we are shown by Jesus, but that does not mean that we should let these people take advantage of us or walk all over us. Aaron and I are very cautious with these people while still showing them love and grace. We are not naive about the events of the past and we walk into each encounter with our eyes open. However, we understand that we do not deserve all the grace that Christ has shown us and yet he does it anyway, in spite of all the ways we have hurt him. So we strive to show that same grace to these people.

4. Live out the gospel.
      The greatest witness we can give to someone who is not ready to accept the gospel is to simply live out the gospel. This does not mean shoving Jesus down their throats or turning every conversation spiritual, it means just living life with Jesus at your center. I pray that Aaron and I are living our lives in a way that Jesus just shines through and that others see Jesus in us, even if they don't realize it's Jesus they are seeing. This also means admitting you screw up and asking for forgiveness. We are not perfect, but we do live by grace. Also be quick to forgive. Sometimes we are stingy with forgiveness, especially when a person has messed up multiple times, but God is not stingy with his forgiveness towards us, so we need to be more like him. These people are not Christians and it is foolish of us to expect them to act like Christians. We should not be surprised when they act like unbelievers and we should be among the first to step up with forgiveness and grace.

5. Have the tough conversations.
     This one probably seems like a contradiction to the previous points, but it really isn't. Grace and forgiveness does not mean ignoring sin. We are called to loving confront sin and call people to repentance. Sometimes this means having difficult and uncomfortable conversations and it may sometimes mean making someone mad. However, having the tough conversations show just how much you love someone. You don't risk being uncomfortable with someone you care nothing about. When people look back on their lives they see that it was the people who got into the dirt with them and fought to pull them out that truly loved them. When the tough conversations come up, be tactful and loving and gracious, but don't shy away from them. Show that person that you love and care about them by not leaving them in their sin.

   Is this all there is to reconciling? Absolutely not. If you follow these steps will you immediately be reconciled? Probably not. Our relationships with these particular people are still strained and at times awkward and neither person has called on Jesus to save them, but we keep fighting for them. I pray that one day I will be able to do a post declaring that each person has become a believer and that our relationships are repaired, but until then we will keep pursuing and loving them.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

How God Grew Me Out of a Sucky Prayer Life

   I have always struggled with prayer. I could say really good sounding prayers out loud that were full of pretty words and emotion, but I struggled with actually believing my prayers. I had the false impression that when I did not get what I prayed for that God just didn't hear or answer me. I believed I had many unanswered prayers.
   As I got older, I began to realize that God always answers our prayers, he just sometimes says "no" or "wait." Unfortunately, this did not have a good impact on my prayer life. I actually began to "censor" my prayers, praying only for the things I knew I would get, when I prayed at all. I was also the person who would cry out to God when things were really tough, and then blame myself and my lack of faith when I didn't get my way. God was not going to answer the prayers of someone who barely spoke to him.
     Another problem I had with prayer, was I feared what God would ask of me. I would not pray for things like patience or discipline, because that would require some change on my part, and I was comfortable where I was. There were also parts of my life, sin issues, that I was not willing to give up, so I just avoided those topics all together. I knew that God knew all my secret sins, but I was in denial about any need for me to actual confess and turn from those sins.
    My struggles with prayer were private struggles that I liked to keep in the dark. People could not know that I struggled with prayer because then they may begin to look deeper into my life to try and root out all those hidden issues. I did not want to be vulnerable, with God or anyone else.
   Over the past few months God has been growing me in real, and at times painful, ways. I am spending time with God in his Word more consistently, I am seeing everything through the lens of Christ, and I am allowing Christ to permeate every aspect of my life. I think the most dramatic change however, has been in my prayer life. About 3 months ago, I began keeping a prayer journal that I have actually almost filled up. I am making it point to write in my prayer journal anytime I sit down to spend time in God's Word. I still struggle with doubt at times, but I trust in Jesus so much more than I did before.
    Through Women's School, I am disciplining a young woman. This past week when we met, we actually talked about prayer and ways to be more disciplined in our prayer life. I shared with her some of the strategies I have developed over the past few months and I realize that what works for me might help someone else. So here are the things that I am doing to not have such a sucky prayer life.

1. Find what works for you.
   Do you need to pray out loud? Cool, find a place where you can sit alone with God and have a conversation. Do you need reminders throughout the day? Ok, set alarms on your phone or put little dots everywhere as your call to pray. Do you need to write down your prayers? Fabulous, you are like me, go buy a journal and start writing. I am an easily distracted person and if I don't have something right in front of me, I tend to get off track and before long I am thinking about why do bunnies have long ears and eat carrots. Through years of studying, I know that I work best if I am writing things down, so experience will dictate that I need to be writing my prayers if I want to give my best to God. Some people write out their actual conversation with God, and that is cool. For me, I like bullet points. I just jot down all that I want to give to God that day. I like bullet points because it is easy for me to pick out specific prayers when I look back through my journal. So my point? Think about your personality and  how you are the most effective and use that knowledge to find what works for you. God made you specifically how you are and he is cool with however you come to him, he just wants to have a conversation with you.

2. Find specific times when God has answered your prayers.
     As I stated earlier, I really struggled with believing that God heard and answered my prayers. When I started my prayer journal, I made it a point to look back through my journal every couple of days and point out answered prayers. I needed the gratification and reassurance that God was listening and that God cared about my prayers. As my trust and faith has grown, I do not need to look back as often, but it is still good for me to recount the prayers God has faithfully answered. I will need that reassurance when the trials come or when I am worried about the future. Looking back at God's past faithfulness gives us confidence that God will be faithful in the future.

3. Be thankful even when you don't get the answer you want.
     Another tough one for me. I like to have things a certain way and I believed for a long time that if I didn't get what I wanted that God just didn't answer my prayers. I needed to change my way of thinking and discipline myself to accept whatever answer God gave me. So, I make a point when I am looking back over my prayers to look for all the answers God has given me, not just the ones I like. It is hard to be told no or to be told to wait, but for me, knowing that God is always answering my prayers helps me to keep praying. I need to be reminded that God is my Father and as all good fathers, he is not always going to give me everything I want. I need to acknowledge all of God's answers and thank Him for his goodness and remind myself that he knows what is best for me.

4. Don't give up.
     Shame and guilt are nasty little buggers. They creep in when we are at our most vulnerable and they tell us that we are worthless losers who should not even get out of bed in the morning. Growth and change take time, discipline and mistakes. We are not going to go from having a sucky prayer life to having a phenomenal prayer life overnight, or even over months. It takes time. I think back to all the prayer journals I started over the years, that I just stopped after a couple of weeks. I would write faithfully in them for a couple of days and then sporadically for a few more days and then I would just stop, never to pick up that journal again. I believed the lie that I had to get it all right, right away. But it is just that, a lie! You are not perfect and you are being daily sanctified by Jesus, so let him work in your life. Keep going back to God in prayer, even if you missed a couple of days. Something that I have to be reminded of is that I live by grace, and when I fail God's grace covers me and gives me the courage and strength to keep trying. Don't beat yourself up if you don't pray everyday at first, just thank God for his grace and start again.

5. Be Honest.
     This has probably been the hardest thing for me to do in my prayer life. I don't like change, it is hard and uncomfortable and it hurts. But as I grow closer to the Lord, I am made more aware of my sin and my utter and complete dependence on Jesus. Growing in Christ means you can no longer ignore all those secret sins that you have hidden away. Jesus is the light and light always illuminates the darkness, revealing what was not seen before. Lately, I have been writing down the ugly, dirty prayers; the prayers that I really would not want anyone else to see, and you know what, it is not easy. Sin is a tough thing to face, but it is something that we all have and God already knows what those sins are. To have real conversation with God, you have to be real, and that means sometimes talking about the dirty stuff.
     Being honest, is not just about sin though. Sometimes, we don't like what God is doing, and you know what, you can tell him that. God can handle whatever we throw at him, even when we want to tell God that whatever he is doing really sucks at the moment. Dr. Greg Allison said during Women's School that prayer is simply stepping into a family conversation. God is your Father and he wants you to tell him how you are really feeling. You don't have to sugarcoat things with God, he already knows, so tell him. Be honest with God!

   Are any of these strategies new? Probably not, in fact you may have already heard them somewhere else, but maybe they are still what you needed to hear today. Hopefully, seeing how God is growing me through my personal struggles will help you to begin your own prayer journey. Our God is good and faithful and gracious-he wants to have real conversations with you, so just start talking.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Christmas Traditions

   Christmas is full of family traditions, and my family was no different. Growing up we never had a lot of money, but my mother was crafty and resourceful. Each year she would make a ton of goodies; chocolate covered pretzels, chocolate covered spoons, cookies, peppermint bark, etc; and for days our kitchen table and counters would be covered with all sorts of sweets. Then we would go around on Christmas Eve delivering the goodies to our friends around town. I always looked forward to making (and eating) the goodies and I even enjoyed delivering the goodies. It was always fun to visit with friends.
    As with most traditions, I have continued this tradition with my family. Today was the day, so I started early making my list and prepping our kitchen for a marathon day of goodie making.
  
   My kitchen table was soon covered with chocolate covered spoons, chocolate covered pretzels, chocolate mint patties, ice cream cones (Buggles, peanut butter, and chocolate), and Oreo truffles. It's crazy how I make many of the same things my mom made while adding a couple of new things each year, much like she did.
    Normally I would let me kiddos help me with the goodie making process, but this year we are very short on time and my daughter stayed in North Carolina with my parents until the rest of us come back later in the week. When my son got home from school we packaged everything up and left to make our Christmas deliveries. None of our friends knew we were coming and seeing their surprised faces was half the fun.


      I hope that this is a tradition my children will continue with their families when they are older. It is such a sweet and personal way to give to others and spread a little love during a very hectic season.
     What traditions are part of your Christmas season?

Little Miracles

      Yesterday morning I had the great privilege of being present for the birth of my precious niece Lyric Elizabeth.
      My sister and her husband have prayed for years to have a baby. They adopted a beautiful son 2 years ago, following a devastating miscarriage, but still yearned to have a baby. After years of trying and praying and disappointment, God answered their prayers with a resounding "YES!"
      We found out last week that my sister had a rare condition requiring her to be induced at 37 weeks. So I drove down Tuesday night so that I could be at the hospital with my sister while she was in labor. It was a very different experience to not be the person doing the actual birthing, but I am so grateful that I was there.
      It was a truly miraculous sight to watch my niece emerge into the world. As I watched her being cleaned by the nurses I kept thinking, "You are so loved. Your parents have been waiting for you for so long. We are all so glad you are here."
       I am blown away at God's design to bring forth human life. It is fascinating how the female body is made to change and expand and sustain a life for 10 months. Lyric was being formed from the moment she was conceived and that shows the love of a personal creator.
     There is not much else to say, except welcome to the world precious Lyric, I can't wait to spoil you (and pay your mom back for some of the gifts she has given Sophia over the years).

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

How We Make Our Marriage Work

    Aaron and I have been married for 7 and a half years and it has not always been easy. A couple of years ago we hit a really rough patch and things got really difficult. We never came close to divorce, but there were many times when I was ready to pack up and go home to my momma; and it didn't really matter if Aaron came with me or not.
     Thankfully, Aaron and I had some wonderfull Christian friends who spoke truth into our lives and helped us get on the road to repairing our marriage. After almost  2 years, Aaron and I are finally in a really good place. We are more in love than we have ever been and we simply happier in our marriage.
      This journey has been a difficult, and at times painfu one, especially for me. I had a lot to learn about what a healthy, Godly marriage looks like and I also had a lot of growing to do. Don't get me wrong, Aaron had changes to make  as well, but this blog is about me.
      I want to share some of the things that I learned over the past 2 years about what makes our marriage work. I want to preface these lessons with, our marriage works first and foremost because Jesus Christ is at the center. Our marriage began to improve when our individual walks with the Lord became stronger. Without Christ working in our lives, our marriage simply would not work.

1. Your spouse should not be your everything.
     This one was a hard lesson for me to learn. I grew up watching the fairy tales and the romantic movies and listening to all the love songs. I wanted a love like in the movies-full of passion and romance, so in love with someone that I would not be able live without him. This looks good in the movies, but in reality it is an unbearable burden for someone to carry. At first, this way of thinking is flattering and in theory it sounds good. Being someone's "everything" is good for the ego, but it also means that the other person's every emotion and sense of worth is dependant upon you. That is a lot to be responsible for. I was guilty for years of making Aaron my everything and I have come to learn how unfair that was to him. Aaron should not have to shoulder the responsibility being my world. Once I found my identity solely in Jesus and I removed that burden from Aaron, our marriage began to improve.

2. Do not be a mirror of each other's emotions.
      Another thing that I am guilty of. When Aaron was having a bad day and he snaps, I would find myself snapping back at him, thus beginning a cycle of anger, bitterness, and meanness.  This is also a lesson that I am just becoming aware and I am still learning. When Aaron is having a bad day, I should show him grace and love and try to remove extra stress and chaos. It is hard to be gracious and loving when someone is snapping at you, but it is worth it. Remember you can either add to the chaos or you can help to relieve it.

3. Do not criticize your spouse in front of friends and/or family.
     This lesson is one I heard long before I ever got married, but did not realize just how guilty I was of it until Aaron and I had been married a few years. The danger of this mistake is that everyone takes on a mob mentality and gangs up on the complained upon making everything exponentially worse. There are two things I do that help me avoid this mistake. First, I try really hard to not complain about Aaron around our family. I just keep my mouth shut when I am annoyed. Second, I am quick to defend Aaron when others complain about him. Defending my husband keeps me from ganging up on him.

4. Be quick to apologize.
   Another tip that I was given prior to getting married that I never realized the importance of until I had been married for a few years. I like to be right and I hate to apologize when I feel like I have been wronged. But in almost every argument, both parties share some of the blame and both people need to apologize. Lately, I have been quick to apologize after arguments for the things I am at fault for and this has made such a difference in my relationship with Aaron. I try not to wallow in how I have been wronged, but instead seek ways to reconcile quickly.

5. Recognize when your spouse expresses his love language.
    As with most couples, Aaron and I have different love languages. Aaron speaks through acts of service and I speak through gifts and words of affirmation. For a long time, I would get upset because my husband would not bring me flowers for no reason and he did not affirm me like I wanted to be affirmed. Then I started thinking about all the things that Aaron does do for me.  He will do the laundry, unload the dishwasher, change the oil in my car, treat my windows before I leave on a trip, etc. Aaron serves me in so many ways and that is how he shows me his love. Now, I am not saying that we should not try to speak in our spouse's love language as well. I work hard to keep the house clean because that matters to Aaron, and he tries to bring me flowers or a candy bar every couple of weeks because that matters to me. However, when those times come around that Aaron does not speak my love language, instead of getting bitter that I am not getting what I want, I choose to look for ways that Aaron has spoken his love language. This simple choice has made a huge difference in my attitude towards my husband.

  This list is not all inclusive and it is not a one size fits all list. Aaron and I do not have a perfect marriage and we are by no means experts. What lessons have you learned in your marriage?

Monday, December 16, 2013

Why I Chose Baptism, Again

     On December 8, 2013, I was baptized for the second time. When I told my friends and family that I was being baptized, I got a lot of startled, "you are what?" type responses. Most of these people knew that I had been baptized when I was 8 and that I had been walking in faith with Jesus for many years. These people were confused as to why I felt I needed another baptism.
       I had it good growing up. I had wonderful loving parents and both sets of grandparents close by and I grew up in church. I knew all about God and Jesus. I could answer almost any question about the Bible and as far as anyone could tell I was a polite, well-mannered, all around good kid. From as early as I could remember I was taught to be good, make the right choice, and do what was expected. I was a rule follower and disappointing my family was not an option.
      On Mother's Day, the year I turned 8, I did what was expected of me. I walked down the aisle of my little Southern Baptist Church with another little boy and we told our preacher that we wanted to become Christians. He asked us a few shallow questions and then presented us as believers to our congregation. A few weeks later on a Sunday night, I was baptized along with another 10 or so young people. But that baptism and even that confession of faith meant nothing. I was simply doing what I was supposed to do. My heart was not changed, Jesus was not my Lord and Savior.
     As I grew up, I counted on my ability to follow the rules as my salvation. As long as I was a good girl, I would be okay. It did not take me long to figure out that I was not always a good girl, in fact I screwed up a lot. This realization led me to a cycle of sin, guilt, rededication, "be good", sin, start all over again. I was that kid who went to Christian summer camp every summer, and every summer I was that kid who made the tearful rededication of my life to Jesus and promised that from that point on I would do better and follow all the rules. As you can imagine, that resolve never lasted for very long because I was depending on my ability to do it right and I was failing miserably.
     Around the end of middle school, I lost hope. I could not be good and I was messing up so much and I just quit trying. My double life began. I was the good girl at home and church, but out in the world I was the girl who lived for myself, doing whatever I pleased, as long as I wouldn't get caught. I was very skillful at this double life-my family and church friends had no idea the type of person I really was, and my friends out in the world had no idea that I even knew of someone named Jesus.
     I kept up appearances so as not to disappoint those I loved, but in my heart I truly believed that there was no forgiveness for someone like me. God could save drug dealers and murderers and people who did not know any better, but God would not forgive someone like me. I knew the rules and the expectations, I knew right from wrong, and God could not tolerate someone who chose to break the rules. I was lost and there was no hope for me.
     This lack of hope led me to also feel very alone and unloved and unworthy. I began to define myself by other people's opinions of me, especially guys. In high school I was so desperate to be loved by a guy that I was willing to do anything or be anyone, just to have a boyfriend. I lost myself completely in my pursuit of an illlusion of love.
    My senior year of high school everything came tumbling down. I lost my first grandparent to cancer, I lost many of those who I thought were my friends, and I lost my boyfriend of over 2 years. I felt so alone. That summer, I did what I did every summer and I attended a Christian camp, but that year something was different. I was done keeping up appearances and I let my anger at God be seen by all. I finally admitted how worthless I felt and how shamed I was and how angry I was and ultimately how hopeless I felt. At the end of that week I truly met God face-to-face and he did not turn me away. He wrapped me in his love, forgave me, and called me his. That was the moment my life began to change, that was the moment I became a Christian, trusting in Jesus Christ as my salvation.
     However, old habits die hard as they say, and even though I was a new creation in Christ, I still sought to define myself by the opinions of others and I still wanted to keep up appearances. I could not be baptized again because then everyone would know. So I ignored the prodding of the Holy Spirit and kept on with my life.
    Then in the fall of this year I started Women's School at church. One week we were given the task of writing out our testimonies. Just like every other time I have shared my testimony, I was prodded by the Holy Spirit that I should be baptized again. Instead of ignoring it, I chose to listen and I asked the ladies in my cohort what they thought. I was encouraged to do it if I felt convicted. So then I talked to my husband, and after much discussion we came to the conclusion that I should pursue baptism.
    You may still be asking yourself, why we came to that conclusion. Well, we believe that baptism should come AFTER a person confesses Jesus as Lord. I was baptized almost 10 years before I became a true believer. I had not been walking in obedience because I was afraid of what others might say or think. Finally, I stopped caring about the opinions of others and made the choice to obey my Jesus.
    So last Sunday I stood up in front of my congregation at Sojourn and I made my sacred confession, "Jesus is Lord!" Then I was baptized by my husband and by my church family.



      Since then, I have had many people tell me how proud they are of me, or how much my story touched them; and that is why I am sharing this long story out in the blogosphere. My hope is that someone will stumble upon this post and read it to the end. My prayer is that as they are reading their heart will be stirred by the Spirit and they will seek to know more about this Jesus. I want my story to speak truth into someone else story.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

God is Still Good

     I love Christmas. It is a special time of year that brings back such precious memories for me. Christmas was always a big deal in my family. My sister and I would wake up early, usually before sunrise (and this continued into our later teens) just to see what presents we received. Then we would go to my GrannyJo's for breakfast with my mom's humongous family. My favorite sight at GrannyJo's house, aside from the tree that had so many presents underneath they would spill out so far you were stepping over gifts, was the mantle.
                                               (thanks to my cousin Micki Taylor for this picture)

      GrannyJo had 8 children, over 30 grandchildren, and I can't even tell you how many great-grandchildren. Every one who was at GrannyJo's house Christmas morning had a stocking hung on the mantle; you even had stocking if you had to be far away that Christmas. The first thing I did every Christmas morning upon entering GrannyJo's house was locate and empty my stocking to see what was inside. I look at this picture (above) and  I am filled with pure joy and excitement.
       However, the last couple of Christmases have also been very difficult. You see in July of 2011, GrannyJo was walking down the hallway of her home to wake up one of my cousins when she tripped and fell. She was taken to the hospital and never came home. That was the day the we lost the glue to our extended family.
      In the days that followed GrannyJo's death, I questioned God and I was angry. I could not understand why someone so wonderful and loving had to die. I was being selfish and I wanted my GrannyJo with me.
      Then I was reminded that GrannyJo is not missing me. I know that sounds harsh and is not all that comforting, but to me, it brings perspective. GrannyJo loved Jesus and trusted him as her Lord and Savior, and I have no doubt in my mind that she is Heaven. GrannyJo is basking in the glory of her heavenly Father; she is sitting at the feet of Jesus, and she thinks of nothing but worshiping God. GrannyJo is not bitter about being taken from this life; she is not angry that she is missing another Christmas; her heart is not broken about not seeing her family. She feels only the "good" emotions: love, joy, awe, peace, etc.
     When I am reminded about all that GrannyJo is experiencing, I am reminded that God is still good. God promises us eternal life if we believe in his son Jesus. God does not leave us to simply die, he carries us on to eternal life with him. Death is hard and it hurts to have someone you love taken away, but for those in Christ, death is not the end. God loves us so much that he sent us his son Jesus to take our punishment for sin, to provide a way to experience eternal life with him. God is still good!!

    God did not steal GrannyJo away from us and he was not punishing us for some wrong we have done. Life on this earth is not eternal, it has an end. We are all going to die because there is sin in this world, and sin always brings death. God does not seek out opportunities to bring us pain and he does not enjoy seeing us hurting. When Lazarus, a friend whom Jesus loved, dies in John 11, Jesus weeps with those mourning Lazarus' death. When we hurt, God hurts with us. God's goodness does not change because of hard circumstances.
     So why I am writing this blog? Why I am talking about God's goodness in the face of death? I am doing it partly to remind myself that God is good. I have moments when my grief punches me in the gut and I don't know how I will take my next step. I need to remember that God is good and trustworthy and that he loves me. I am also writing this for my family. So many members of my family are hurting, they miss their mother, their grandmother, their friend. I hope to bring some comfort. I hope to urge them to lean on Jesus. Ultimately, I want every member of my family to trust in God's goodness and love.
    I am going to end by including the lyrics to a song by Jars of Clay, All My Tears. We sing this song at my church often and I can't make it through the song without crying. Every time we sing this song, I think of GrannyJo, who is in her Father's arms.

                          "All My Tears"


When I go, don't cry for me
In my Father's arms I'll be
The wounds this world left on my soul
Will all be healed and I'll be whole.
Sun and moon will be replaced
With the light of Jesus' face
And I will not be ashamed
For my Savior knows my name.

It don't matter where you bury me,
I'll be home and I'll be free.
It don't matter where I lay,
All my tears be washed away.

Gold and silver blind the eye
Temporary riches lie
Come and eat from heaven's store,
Come and drink, and thirst no more

It don't matter where you bury me
I'll be home and I'll be free
It don't matter where I lay
All my tears be washed away

So, weep not for me my friends,
When my time below does end
For my life belongs to Him
Who will raise the dead again.

It don't matter where you bury me,
I'll be home and I'll be free.
It don't matter where I lay,
All my tears be washed away.

Friday, December 13, 2013

What a weird name for a Blog

     This probably should have been my first post, but I am a rebel, I don't conform to the man. Actually, that's not true. You see what had happened was, I had something I really had to get off my chest and I decided to start a blog to do it. In order to start said blog, I had to give it a title, thus "The Reluctant Backbone". I couldn't explain the title without losing all that I wanted to say on the first topic, so I had to write that post first. So now, here we are, 2 posts in and I am now going to explain why my blog is titled, "The Reluctant Backbone." I know, you are super excited.
  
      So, why is my backbone reluctant? Well, it all started a long, long time ago in a galaxy far...wait, sorry sidetracked. Ok, I have always been a pretty compliant person. I never made many waves, I have always hated conflict, and I have always tried very, very hard to do the right thing and make everyone happy. I did not always succeed, but I always tried my best. This tendency in me has led me to have very little in the backbone department. Now don't get me wrong, sometimes I have stood up for myself or made waves and I have even started a controversy or two, but as a whole, I like to go with the flow and try not to make people mad.

     I am especially timid when it comes to men. I have always wanted to be loved, and not because I was not loved well as a child. On the contrary, I had amazing parents and a pretty spectacular dad who never let a day go by without expressing his love for my mother and my sister and me. However, for some reason, I still felt this deep rooted desire to be loved by someone of the opposite sex. I hated the thought of being alone, so when I found a guy I liked I would latch on to him and pretend to be whatever he wanted me to be just so he would like me. As you can imagine, this led to some less than stellar relationships on my part growing up. It was a habit I just could not seem to break.

     When I met my beautiful husband over 9 years ago, my backbone was a little stronger, but still pretty flimsy. I was more independent and more willing to be myself, but I also desperately wanted to him to like me. Now we did have a lot of fights about stupid stuff, but I did not disagree with him on the real stuff-the big stuff. And on the off chance that I did disagree with him on something big, odds were that at the end of the day I was going to just give in to his point of view.

      After my husband and I got married, this never really changed. I could not stand for him to be mad at me, so I buried most of my unpleasant feelings and then on the rare occasion that I would share my feelings, I would quickly dismiss them as hormonal and apologize first and beg for things to go back the way they were. I was so desperately afraid that one day he would wake up and realize what a terrible mistake he had made in marrying a basket case like me, and just walk out. It was totally irrational, but it was my fear.

      A couple of years ago, our marriage went through a really rough patch. We had been living in Louisville for about 2 years and had recently had our second child. I was miserable and we were disconnected and I just wanted to pack up and go home to NC, and I didn't really care if he came with me or not. A wonderful friend from church spoke into my life and encouraged me to share my feelings with my husband, and after weeks of prodding, I finally did. After a lot of tears and many conversations and a lot of hurting (because let's face it growth hurts) things did get better. Our marriage was improving, but I was still very reluctant to have a real backbone in our relationship.

     Then in September my community group leader encouraged me to join Women's School at Sojourn (our church here in Louisville). I reluctantly agreed, because this was way out of my comfort zone-sitting with women I did not know on a weekly basis, having to disciple someone, growing in my faith-all of this was very difficult for me, but in the end I agreed. This has turned out to be one of the best experiences of my life.

    Through Women's School I have been learning so much about my faith and the deep theology of Christianity. I am being pushed out of my comfort zone weekly and I am being challenged to become more than a spectator  in my faith. I am in the Word almost daily and I am even keeping a prayer journal, which I have never done for more than a couple of weeks in my life. But the best thing about Women's School is that it is showing me where my true identity lies-it is Jesus!!

    I have begun to realize and truly accept that, for so long, I was defining myself by what my husband's opinion of me was. If he was happy with me, than I was happy with myself. If he was unhappy with me, than I was a worthless piece of crap. Then one night something happened and I finally spoke up about my feelings. I told my husband exactly how I felt and how unhappy I was with the situation. Then I slept. I slept so peacefully that night, and I knew it was because I had done the right thing.

     The most amazing part did not happen until the next day. My husband was clearly upset with me and barely spoke to me that morning before he left for work. I almost caved. I almost texted him and told him that I was crazy and that I shouldn't have said anything and to please not be mad anymore; but I didn't. Instead I sought Godly wisdom from my mother and then I dove into the Word and took my concerns to my heavenly Father. In that moment I realized that every other time I had caved in the past, I had done so because I was believing Satan's lies that I needed my husband to approve of me to be worth anything. My husband's opinion does not define me, my identity is Jesus.That was the day that everything clicked for me and I saw a dramatic change in my life. Jesus became my backbone.

      Don't get me wrong, I still seek for my husband to approve of my choices, he is the head of our household and I value his opinion greatly. But I no longer define myself or my worth by his opinion, and you know what, he is proud of me for that. He has told me often over the past few months about how proud he is of me and he has even bragged on me to his family and friends. That feels good.

      Do I like conflict anymore than before? Not really. Do I like taking a stand? I still would rather not. But, I know that it's not about me or my comfort, it is about Jesus. I see the whole world differently and daily I am breaking down myself so that Jesus can become more clear in my life. I am leaning on Jesus to be my backbone when the need arises. So to explain my blog title, I am still reluctant about this whole backbone thing, but I am stepping out on faith and trusting Jesus to hold me and by my firm rock to stand on when the time comes.

My deal with SANTA

        There has been a lot of talk recently about Santa. I have seen blogs about why we SHOULD NOT do Santa and blogs about why we SHOULD do Santa. I have even seen controversy over the race of Santa.
       My husband and I decided before we had children that we were NOT going to do Santa with our kids. When people hear this we get one of two reactions. The first is from other parents who have made the same choice and we are encouraged. We will discuss our reasons for our choice and then we talk about how we approach the issue of Santa with our kids. I love having a group of people with which to bounce off ideas and simply go this journey together.
      The other reaction is from people who label us a self-righteous, judgmental, crazy, and people who are stealing the "magic and imaginations" right from under our children. To be honest, that hurts and it is very frustrating. The assumption is that our children are somehow being deprived of something because we choose to leave out Santa from our family traditions. So for the record, our kids love Christmas. We watch the Christmas movies, we put up a big colorful tree, we make cookies, we sing Christmas carols, we even go to see Santa at Bass Pro Shop. The only difference is that we emphasize to our kids that Santa is just pretend, he is a fun character in a story like Frosty or Sleeping Beauty or Iron Man. Then we talk about the real St. Nicholas and his legacy and talk about how people like to be Santa for other people. We also take our kids shopping to pick out a toy to donate as their small way of "being Santa."
       So, you might be asking, "What does this cooky lady have against Santa? Was she raised in some crazed, backwoods cult?" Actually, I grew up believing in Santa. I was that kid who didn't find out the truth until I was like 11 or 12. And to be honest, I wasn't really all that devastated. Believing in Santa did not stunt my spiritual growth or make me doubt the existence of Jesus. My husband also grew up believing in Santa. It was fun and enjoyable and we do not have anything against our parents for teaching us to believe in Santa. We simply made a different choice for our children.
        When Aaron and I were first married, we talked about Santa. Even though grew up believing in Santa, we wanted more for our kids. In the beginning we latched on to the thought that if we lie to our kids about Santa, then they won't believe us when we told them the really important things; but like people do, we grew up, matured and realized that reasoning was, to be blunt, DUMB! We then moved to simply wanting to redeem Santa. We didn't want our kids focusing on what they could get from Santa, but to instead focus on what they could give to others, much like St. Nicholas.
         In recent years, as we have both grown deeper in our faith, we have developed more reasons for not doing Santa. One of the most popular reasons out there for not doing Santa, is that we don't want to lie to our kids, and that is part of why we don't do Santa. We feel there is a big difference in pretending and make believe, and flat out telling your kids that a guy in a red suit sneaks into their house on Christmas Eve and leaves them presents. When it comes to make believe in our home, we really do strive the "pretend" factor. Our children are learning the difference between real and make believe and they are taught that it is ok to pretend and have fun. When we go see characters (and yes we have seen Iron Man, Sleeping Beauty, and Santa) we do emphasize that it is just a person in a costume. We do this partly because my son freaks out and hearing that it is just someone dressed up, like he does for Halloween, helps him not be afraid. Also, we do this because I think it helps them distinguish between reality and make believe.
         Another popular reason is that we don't want our kids to miss out on the reason for Christmas. This one also applies, because we don't want our kids so consumed by what they want for Christmas that they forget the reason we celebrate Christmas to begin with, JESUS! So, we limit the amount of gifts our children receive. We remind them daily that it's all about God sending his Son Jesus to live a perfect life and die a death he didn't deserve on the cross in order to take the punishment for our sins. (No, we don't just talk about sweet baby Jesus lying in a manger).
          But, you want to know my BIGGEST reason for not doing Santa with my kids, the point that I harp on every time Santa is brought up? The concept of having to be good to earn presents. I hate the "naughty and nice" list thing and that Santa is "watching so you better watch out". I don't like that starting the day after Thanksgiving we tell kids that they better listen to their parents and be extra good because Santa is watching and won't bring them any presents if they are bad. This bothers me. This way of thinking DID effect my spiritual growth (not that it was just emphasized to me at Christmas, but go with me). I grew up thinking that I had to always be good and do the right thing and that I had to earn favor from people and from God. When I couldn't live up to the expectations, I was devastated and felt shame and guilt. This way of thinking followed me long into adulthood and I am still struggling with this daily. I would hate for my kids to grow up thinking they have to earn my favor and then ultimately to earn God's favor. You see, none of us is good, none of us deserve favor. We are shown favor because God loves us, he loves us so much that he sent us his son as the ultimate gift. So at Christmas, and all the time, I remind my babies that I don't give them presents because they were good or because they earned them, I give them presents simply because I love them and they are my babies. That is the real reason I don't do Santa.

And just in case you don't believe me about my kids enjoying Christmas: