All Consuming Anger in Grief

 

Image courtesy of Naypong at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

   Since October 7, 2014 I have been dealing with grief. It was on this day that I learned my 20 year old sister had died as a result of complications from diabetes and heart disease. Grief has become a permanent resident in my heart.

     As I’m sure you know there are 5 stages of grief: Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. We are told that everyone deals with grief differently and that these stages can’t be worked through like a checklist. There is no pre-determined order which you go through the stages and you never know how long each stage will last. And just because you have experienced a stage of grief, doesn’t mean that you are done with that stage forever. On the contrary, most of the time you find yourself bouncing back and forth between stages.

     I am not a stranger to grief and loss. I have dealt with significant loss every couple of years since I was in middle school. I have been caught off guard by loss and I have been prepared for it. I have felt the sting of someone choosing to end his life and felt the unexplainable joy when someone’s fighting and long suffering is finally over. Loss and grief and I know each other well.

     However, none of my experiences prepared me for that Tuesday evening when I received the call that my sister had been found dead in her apartment. I was not prepared for just how much this loss would affect my life. I was also not prepared for how all consuming my anger would become.

   When I first found out about my sister, while I was devastated, I also had a great peace from knowing that God was in control and that God was still good even in the midst of my suffering. I remember telling my husband and friends that this was the first time I could honestly say that I was not angry at God for what happened. That is still true. I still believe and take comfort in God’s sovereignty and goodness and I can honestly say that I am not really mad at God, but I am still very angry.

     I am angry at my sister. Her death was completely preventable. My sister had Type 1 diabetes and she did not manage her diabetes at all. She would not check her sugar regularly and she did not give herself her insulin shots like she was supposed to. We found out that she actually skipped an endocrinology appointment just 3 days before she died. Had she gone to the doctor, she most likely would not have died.

     I am angry at myself. My sister and I did not have a good relationship. She had only been my sister officially for three years, my parents adopted her when she was 17. The three years since my sister’s adoption were not easy and I watched from afar as she treated my parents horribly and made really poor decisions, and because of her behavior I kept my distance. It was easy because I was the oldest sibling, I had my own family to consume my time, and I lived in an entirely different state. It wasn't until earlier this year that I actually began to feel a burden for my sister and have a desire for a better relationship. I did reach out to her on a few occasions, but I could have done more. I could have treated her with more grace and compassion. I could have made more of an effort.

     I am angry at people who are not grieving the same way I am. Many people were affected by my sister’s death and they are all processing this loss in a different way. At times I find myself angry and annoyed because they are not dealing with everything the same way and they need different things than I do.

     I am angry at people who I don’t think should be as affected by my sister’s death as they are. I can be really selfish at times and I find myself thinking that other people do not deserve to feel grief because they did not have what I believe is a real relationship with my sister. It’s ugly and not cool, but it’s true.

     I am angry at people who know what happened and want to talk. I am a member of a great church and my husband works on a seminary campus and we have felt a great outpouring of love and support ever since we heard the news about my sister. While it is wonderful and comforting to know that so many people care about me, it can also be difficult at times because it feels like EVERYONE knows. People are naturally curious and they want the details about what happened or they have true, heartfelt concern for how I’m doing so they ask me often how I am. When I am not in the mood to talk, I find myself very angry at anyone who wants to help me “talk it out.”

     I am angry at people who don’t know what happened. On my bad days I am not always nice to people, and when someone makes a joking comment about how I should be more gracious and loving, I want to burst their bubble and scream at them, “Hey, my sister just died, so shove it!” It is awkward and weird to tell people your sister died and it never comes up naturally in conversation. Sometimes I find myself getting angry because the world kept spinning and there was not some global announcement informing everyone that our family was just devastated and ripped wide open.

     Want to know the worst part about my anger? I get that it is completely irrational and contradictory. It is like I am having an out of body experience where I can see how crazy I am acting and there is nothing I can do about it. When my anger becomes all consuming, I find myself slipping into depression because I feel like I am completely out of control. Then I get angry at myself for being angry and depressed. It is a vicious cycle and on my bad days I just want to curl up in bed and ignore the rest of the world. I feel horrible when I lash out at my family or friends. I don’t want to be as angry as I am, but unfortunately it is not as easy as simply choosing to not be angry.

     So why did I write this? Honestly, I’m not totally sure. Partly I think it was a cathartic experience for me. I tend to bottle up my feelings so writing them down and sharing them with the world is helpful. Maybe, I also wanted there to be an explanation out there for my bad days. I wanted there to be documentation for those people that I lash out at, that I don’t mean to be so angry and I am trying. And maybe I just wanted to let those people out there who are consumed by the anger stage of grief to know you are not alone, because at times it can feel very isolating.

     What about those of you who love someone consumed by anger in grief? What can you do to help those of us who just get so angry? I’m not sure. I wish I had some magic cure for the anger or special trigger words that would instantly change our feelings, but I don’t. Here are some things that I think may help.

-          Be patient. I know this is hard, and there is a difference in being patient and allowing a person to be out of control. Remember that grief affects everyone differently and lasts longer for some people.

-          Love them. It helps so much knowing how much my husband and kids love me. I can tell my husband that I am having a bad day and he hugs me and tells me it’s ok. I can tell my kids that mommy is not really angry at them, she just misses Aunt Lyn, and they give me a hug and tell me it’s ok. In their love and grace is healing.

-          Let them vent. I vent a lot to my husband and my other sister. It helps to just say what is making me angry out loud. I don’t need them to give me a “fix” for the issue and a lot of times I don’t even really need them to say anything, I just need to be given the time and space to say what is weighing on my mind. I also love my husband for the fact that he allows me to vent whenever I need to. If it is lying in bed at midnight or talking to him through the bathroom door while he gets ready for work or even calling him in the middle of his workday, he allows me the opportunity to talk and vent.

-          When necessary, lovingly correct them. This one is hard and will not always be well received, but it is at times very necessary. My husband just yesterday had to lovingly correct me on my anger. I was entering into dangerous territory of getting angry at someone for doing something that I myself was doing. I was no longer just venting and instead was beginning to harbor unnecessary anger. While it was painful and it made me cry, I needed to hear what my husband was saying and he was right. I think that correction for those of us who are angry needs to come from someone we love and trust and that the correction needs to be accompanied by lots of grace.

-          Pray! Pray for your loved ones, pray with your loved ones, pray over your loved ones. I know that I am not going to overcome this anger by myself or even with the help of family and friends. The only way I am going to be able to move on from the all consuming in anger is through Jesus Christ. Only he can give me the strength and the power to defeat this!

     I take hope in knowing that one day my grief will become an easier burden to bear. I know that I will never be the same, but through the work of Jesus there will come a day when my anger will no longer be all consuming. 

When My World Falls Apart, God Is Still on the Throne

  God is good, even in the midst of tragedy and suffering. This truth has become real to me in a profound way this week. God is never taken by surprise. This truth has brought me unbelievable comfort over the past few days.
    On Tuesday evening I heard the devastating news that my youngest sister had died. My sister, Lyn, was only 20 years old. Lyn suffered from Type 1 Diabetes and heart disease along with several other medical conditions. Her death was the result of complications from these things.

The last time we were all together: Mandy, me, and Lyn.

   This week I have felt a wide range of emotions.

   I have felt devastation as I sobbed in the car after hearing the news. My sister was so young and her death was preventable.

   I have felt helpless in the wake of her death when I could not be with my family immediately. I live 6 hours away in another state and much of the responsibilities fell to my dad and middle sister, Mandy.

   I have felt deep sadness. My relationship with Lyn was strained and distant. We had spoken only a few times in the past months and I had not seen her since Christmas. I am saddened that the reconciliation that I had prayed for will never happen.

   I have felt sickening heartache. When I think about all the things that my sister will not get to do, get engaged, get married, have kids, etc, my heart simply breaks. When I think about her final days on this earth, very sick and alone and most likely scared, I am grieved beyond words. 

   I have felt anger. I am angry at my sister for not taking better care of herself. I am angry at myself for not reaching out to her more and for not being more gracious towards her. I am angry at the seemingly unfairness of it all. I am angry at people who are insensitive to our family's grief.

    I have felt overwhelmed. Today, my first day back home since my sister's death, has been incredibly overwhelming. It is becoming real as I see firsthand that the world has not stopped turning. Honestly, I did not want to get out of bed today. Facing the world has seemed just too much.

    My emotions are all over the place, as you can see, but I take great comfort in knowing that God is still seated on the throne while my world seems to be falling apart. 

    This is not the first death that has rocked my world, and I know that it will not be the last, but I can honestly say that this is the first time I have not been angry at God. This is the first time that I have had peace underneath all my other emotions. This is the first time that the knowledge of God being in control and not surprised has actually brought me comfort.

    My sister's death was sudden and none of us were prepared for it. We were surprised, but God was not. Before the beginning of time, God ordained the exact moment when my sister would die, and while he hurt with my family, he was not surprised by her death. God is still sovereign and in control and there is amazing comfort in that fact. I don't understand why God chose last Monday to be Lyn's final day on this earth, but I don't need to understand. I know that this all works to his glory and is all part of his plan.

   My world may feel as if it is falling apart, but God is still on his throne. This did not catch him off guard or throw him for a loop. He is not scrambling around trying to come up with a Plan B. God is in control and nothing has happened apart from his knowledge or his ordination. That is the greatest comfort of all.

   Pray for my family as we face life without Lyn. She takes a part of us with her and we will never be the same. I am forever thankful for the years she was my sister and I will miss her every day.