Tuesday, November 11, 2014

What You May Not Realize About People in Grief

 
 Image courtesy of Sira Anamwong at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
    A month ago my 20 year-old sister died suddenly and unexpectedly from complications of diabetes and heart disease. This has been one of the most difficult months of my life as I have only just begun to process my grief and I as learn to accept this new reality in which my sister is not here. One thing that I have learned is that when you experience a significant loss, grief sometimes seeps into every aspect of your life.
   Grief takes on many forms as you process it, or as it is more popularly stated, it has many stages. People who are dealing with loss typically go through these five stages: Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I have written before on the all consuming anger of grief, but today I want to share some things about a person dealing with grief that you may not realize.
 
Sometimes they are just sad. I like to think of myself as a pretty happy person. I like to joke around and smile and laugh. Most of the time I have a positive and cheery demeanor about me. But since my sister's death, I have noticed that there are days when I am just sad. I don't smile as much, I don't laugh as easily, and I feel just down. Sometimes I don't realize right away why I am sad; it actually takes me a while to remember, oh yeah, my sister died. Sadness is just a part of the game when dealing with grief and asking a grieving person what's wrong is not helpful, because sometimes we don't know what's wrong. When you come across a grieving person who is sad, offering them a smile and hug and lifting a silent prayer goes a long way.

They feel guilty for not being sad. I have two amazing kids and a fantastic husband and pretty spectacular friends. In the past month I have taken my kiddos on field trips and trick-or-treating, I have been on amazing dates with my husband, and I have laughed and carried on with my friends. There have been some amazing moments in the past month that have brought me great joy. Those moments have joy have also brought me moments of guilt because in those moments I am not really missing my sister. I have had thoughts like, "how can I be so happy when my sister just died?" and "what kind of person am I for not missing my sister every moment?" I know that these are not healthy thoughts, and thankfully by God' grace, my guilt is normally short lived, but it is still there. People who are grieving are naturally going to feel guilt at times, it is just a part of the process. In those moments, remind them that the best way to honor their loved ones memory is to live life to the fullest and also that their joy does not in any way diminish their sadness.

Sometimes they just want to be alone. When someone you love is grieving, you want to help them in any way you can. You may think that they never need to be alone so that the sadness does not overwhelm them, but sometimes being alone in our grief is a good thing. There are times when the loss of my sister is a sharp sadness that knocks me backwards. On those days I don't want to be around a bunch of people and honestly I just want to stay in bed and hide from the world. I may be wrong, but I feel this is a healthy part of the grieving process. Being alone allows me to really feel my emotions without feeling like I have to put up a front for others. Understand that the desire to be alone is normal, and that unless it becomes an all day, everyday thing, people in grief to be given the space to be alone. When your loved one wants to be alone, let them, and pray hard for them, as they are more than likely dealing with heavy emotions.

Sometimes they just want a shoulder to cry on. Tears are a normal part of the grieving process and they should be allowed to flow freely and as often as necessary. When the tears are falling, we don't need words or advice or for you to fix it, we simply need for you to be there, offering a hug, a shoulder, and tissues. Crying is cathartic and not a sign that something is broken, it is simply a sign that someone is hurting.

They are more sensitive to criticism and arguments. My husband and I are both passionate, emotional, stubborn people and we do not always agree on everything. Our personalities lead to arguments and fights and stretches of silent passive aggressiveness. However, since my sister died, when my husband and I disagree, I don't get mad, I break down sobbing and have anxiety attacks. I am much more sensitive than I was a month ago. This is not to say that you should walk on egg shells around someone who is grieving or that you should not criticize them or get into arguments with them, just know that they may not respond as they normally would to those things. When I am breaking down emotionally, I don't care if my husband and I are in a fight, he is still the one I want holding me as I sob. Be sensitive to the emotional roller coaster we are feeling and love us through it.

Talking about what happened is not easy.  I have spoken about this a little in a previous blog post, but I want to touch on it again. People are naturally curious and when something tragic happens to someone they care about, they want to know details. It is not easy to talk about what happened to my sister. When I have to rehash the circumstances around her death, it is like reopening a wound. My suggestion is to not bring up what happened unless we do. This may not work for every grieving person, but it is what works for me. When I want to talk, I will, don't push the subject.

Don't be surprised that they are still upset. This one is subtle and you may not even realize that you are doing it. I have some friends that I see weekly and they ask me every week how I'm doing. I can see in their eyes that they want my answer to be, "I'm doing great," but that just isn't the case normally. I consider it a good day if I am doing ok. When I respond that I am just ok, these well meaning friends will become very concerned and hug me and ask me what they can do to help me. Grief is not a short process, so don't be surprised when weeks after the loss, we are still upset and having "ok" days. Remember that there is no timeline to grief and allow us to still be sad or upset.

    Grief is an ugly monster that cannot be rushed or worked through like a 5-step program. It is hard to watch someone you love work through grief and it can leave you feeling helpless. You may want to jump in and fix it or help them work through their grief effectively and quickly. but that is what we need. We need the chance to be in our grief and feel our emotions on our own timetable. The best thing you can do for someone in grief is to walk with them in their grief, love them, pray for them, and encourage them. It means so much when someone reminds me to not rush my grief or that it's ok to be sad because grief takes time.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Submitting Even When I Don't Want To

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Ephesians 5:22-23 - "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior."

Colossians 3:1 - "Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord."

1 Peter 3:1-2 - "Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct."

   Sometimes this command is very easy for me. When my husband wants to switch cell phone carriers, I have no problem submitting to his will. When my husband says that we should move our money to a different bank, I go with it because I trust him. When my husband feels called to a different job, I voice my concerns, but ultimately leave the decision to him because I know that he wants what is best for our family. Although my husband is a wonderful leader, there are times when submitting to his leadership is not easy.
    Submission becomes difficult when my husband's leading prevents me from doing something I want to do. It is a rare situation for me to want something that is in opposition to what my husband wants, we are usually on the same page, but there have been times in our 8 years of marriage when we have wanted different things and not seen eye to eye. It is times like these when I need the Holy Spirit more than ever to help me fight the flesh.
     My youngest sister died just a month ago and her death has hit my family hard. My other sister and I want to do something to honor our sister's memory, and we settled on getting tattoos. My youngest sister loved tattoos and we thought getting matching tattoos of one her tattoos would be a fitting and appropriate tribute. There is one problem, my husband does not like tattoos, in fact he has a major problem with tattoos. I know that my husband does not like tattoos, but I wanted so desperately to get one in memory of my sister that I asked for his permission. It was not easy for me to ask my husband to allow me to do this because I knew he would not be thrilled with it. My hope was that he would understand my motives and grant me this request. 
     However, though he has not flat out said "no," my husband has made his feelings about the tattoo clear and I cannot in good conscience get one. I want to so desperately, but I can't. I must ultimately submit to my husband, even though it means not doing something I want very much.
    I know there are many people who will find my choice to obey my husband difficult to swallow. They are probably thinking, "why shouldn't you get a tattoo if you want one, it's your body!" Through a secular worldview that may be true, it is my body, but I live with a Biblical worldview that says a wife's body belongs to her husband, just as a husband's body belongs to his wife. I can't get a tattoo because my body is not my own, it now belongs to my husband.
    Others may think that I am a brainless doormat who is incapable of making my own decisions, and that is not true. I am not submitting to my husband because I am a doormat and can't make my own choices, on the contrary I am making the choice to honor my husband and not do something I really want. When I got married I promised to submit myself to his leadership and I am not one to break my promise.
     Though I know why submitting to my husband is the right thing to do, that does not make this any easier. I still want a tattoo and I have at times over the past month nagged and pestered my husband to give me the answer I want. I want very much for him to say, "Hey babe, I know this means a lot to you, and although I don't really agree with it, I am still going to let you do it." But that just isn't how life works.
      I could be spiteful and get the tattoo anyway. At one point, my husband was so tired of me asking about the tattoo that he told me to just do what I wanted to do. I could have taken that answer and run off to get the tattoo, but where would that have left our relationship. My husband would have felt a lot of resentment towards me and every time he saw the tattoo he would feel angry and hurt and remember how I did something he didn't want. I have to think about what I want more, a tattoo or my husband to be pleased with me. 
      It is not easy to submit to my husband when I don't agree with it or when submitting means I can't do something I want. My selfish flesh wants what I want and no one can tell me what to do. However, I am no longer my own, but I am a child of God and my being God's child means I have a different expectation for how I should live. This does not mean that I am always joyful in my submission or that I don't express my disappointment to me husband. This also does not mean that I am completely giving up what I want to make my husband happy. I am still praying that he will one day change his mind. I have made my desires known to my husband and the conversations still continue.
    Being submissive is not always easy. I also imagine it is very hard to be in my husband's shoes, carrying the weight of all our families decisions and disappointing me at times. But I cannot speak from that perspective, I can only speak from mine, in the role of the submissive party. The world would tell me to stop letting my husband rule over me and to make my own decisions and live my own life, and that would be the easiest thing to do, although that mindset might also lead to me living my own life without my husband. *Disclaimer: I am not in any way claiming that my husband would leave me if I got a tattoo, however, if I lived selfishly for myself all the time and only did what I wanted and did not consider my husband's wishes, it could very well cause irreparable damage to our relationship.*
     I must remember that I am not called to live by the world's standards, but I am instead called to live by God's standards, and God's word is very clear. I am commanded to submit to my husband as the head of my family, plain and simple. That means that I am to trust him to make the right choices for our family. It also means that even when I don't want to, I am to submit to his wishes. I don't have to like it and I am not called to be silent when there is something I want. I am well within my role as a godly wife to make my desires known to my husband and to plead with him to see my point of view, but in the end I am called to submit to his leading. 
    I don't want to submit to my husband all the time, but I choose to do it anyway. Apart from my relationship with God, the relationship I have with my husband is the most important one in my life. We are called to live out an earthly example of Christ and the church, and just as the church submits to Christ, I must submit to my husband. Yes, I want to do all the things I want to do, but I want a good relationship with my husband more, even if that means sacrificing my desires for him.