God is still good, even when his people aren't

     Church hurt is real and it can cause a lot of damage. Church is supposed to be the place where we are safe, the place where we learn to be our full selves, the place where we find hope in a good, good Savior. But the church is also made up of humans and humans are messy and they make mistakes and humans hurt each other. Unfortunately, the hurt from messy and sinful humans can make the church no longer a safe place, a place where you never feel like yourself, a place where you forget the hope of the Savior. But I am here to tell you, that even when God's people are messy and sinful, even when that church is no longer safe, our God, HE is still good.

     I have spent a lot of time over the past few years working through and naming the hurts that were done to me at our last church. I have shared my side of the story, the part that very few knew because my voice was silenced. I have written about my hurt, I have shared with close friends about my hurt, I have done artwork about my hurt, I have cried about my hurt, and now I am working on letting it go. So I'm doing a little something different, I'm going to list out all the ways that God has shown me he is GOOD and the ways that God has reminded me that he hurts with me and he has not once left me in all of this. I am going to tell you about my good, good Savior and the evidences of his grace. 

    First and foremost, my husband is evidence of God's goodness and grace. That man took a beating at our old church and he fought so hard for me. He bore the brunt of the accusations and the interogations and never once made me feel like it was my fault. He has held me when I've cried, he has listened when I have vented or had to process out loud, he has read every single blog I've written to make sure I wasn't mis-remembering, and he has been by my side the whole time. Even when he was feeling the tug to go back into vocational ministry, he was gentle in telling me and re-assured me over and over again that he would not do anything until we were BOTH ready. He has supported me while I have gone to therapy and he has loved me so well. And he never once told me I was wrong, in fact, he told me that I was right to fight and to speak out, and that meant so much. 

   God has given me amazing friends. Friends who got the story as it was unfolding, friends who listened to me process, friends who have stood by me when I felt so isolated and alone at my old church. These friends helped get me through a really dark time and they are still holding tight to me today. I mean it when I say that my tribe is a lifeline for me. They have broke through the walls and pulled me to safety more times than I can count.

     My family has supported Aaron and me every step of the way, even when they didn't hold to our same convictions. That is really powerful. My family was able to see past the our difference in convictions to see the sin being done against us and they stood by us the whole way. They were also a safe haven for us that first weekend after leaving our old church - a place to be away from the chaos. For that I am forever grateful. 

     We may have left our old church, but by God's grace we did not leave THE church. Years before we entered the doors of our old church we were members at Sojourn. Aaron and I both were interns at various points and we served in many capacities during our time there. One of the elders that Aaron had been an intern for was now the main teaching pastor at our local Sojourn campus, so we knew that was were we would move our membership. And I cannot express enough how valuable and precious our time there has been. Our church is a special place, a place where so many of the members are healing together. We are a church for the broken and hurting and it is beautiful. We have incredible leadership that has stepped into our mess and loved us through it all. And I cannot tell you how important it has been for me personally to have multiple male leaders tell me that they are sorry for what happened to me, that what was done to me was wrong, and that my voice and presence not only matter, but are desired. What a powerful thing! They have given me the courage and weirdly the permission (I know now I didn't need it, but it was still important in the moment) to process my pain, name my hurts, and get help.

     I have been in therapy for almost a year now. I knew that if I was ever going to be able to step back into the role of pastor's wife, that I would need to work on my mental health and develop strategies to cope with the hard and mess that comes with doing ministry. I have spent time processing childhood trauma and unpacking the ways that I was seeing God through the wrong lens and every day I am little bit stronger. God created our brains to be able to heal and because of this therapy has been a wonderful experience for me.

     It took a long time, but I am able to see that God did not make me wrong and it is okay if I take up space. My voice is valuable and I have something to offer and I am more than someone's wife and mother. I am my own person and that is okay. God made me uniquiely me and I do not have to fit some manufactured mold. God gave me the Holy Spirit too and I am allowed to hold to my own convictions and opinions. I have been reminded that God is big enough for my doubts and my questions and my hurts.   

 There are some who want everything to be black or white, right or wrong, but life isn't like that - life is full of gray and nuance. But in the gray and the nuance and yes, even the mess, there is beauty. The ability to see God's goodness through the mess. The ability hold the tension of a good God whose people are sometimes not. The grace and mercy to hold tight to God when it feels like there is nothing else left. God never left me and I'm working to live more and more in that truth every day.

     So yes the church and God's people caused me a great deal of hurt because people are sinful and messy. In any relationship, be it between Christians or non-Christians, someone will get hurt, be it big or small. That's the risk of being vulnerable with another human. But God is not human, he is, simply put, God, the Great I AM, and God is always good, even when his people are not.

     

*All artwork featured was painted by me over the past year.*