Less Than

      Yesterday, we went to the funeral home to visit with a family from our old church whose father/grandfather recently passed. While we were there we ran into several people from our old church. There were lots of hugs and "we miss you guys" and "how are the kids". We ended up spending almost two hours there catching up with old friends. It was a nice time, even if I was exhausated by the end and my voice was shot. 😁

     As we were driving home, Aaron asked me how I was doing after seeing so many people from the place that has been a great source of hurt for me. I could honestly answer that I was doing okay. It was nice to see everyone and pretty much all the people who caused me hurt have since left the church. I told him that there was really only one point when bad memories were stirred up and it's one the hurts that I haven't wanted to write about yet because I'm still processing it. So I'm going to tackle another "easy" one.

    Aaron and I enjoy the occasional adult beverage. We enjoy touring bourbon distilleries and having a nice drink out during date night. And of course I have been known to post pictures on social media, because that's what people do. We believe that drinking alcohol is a case of personal conviction - drinking alcohol itself is not a sin, but drunkeness is, so we always drink in moderation.

     Back when Aaron first started interning at the church, the topic of alcohol came up in a conversation with our pastor. Our pastor agreed that drinking is not a sin, but he told Aaron that we needed to take down all pictures or references to alcohol from our social media. We could still drink as our conscience permitted, but we just couldn't let anyone know about it.

     So we spent our vacation that year going through YEARS of social media posts to hide any picture of a distillery tour or post of a selfie with a drink on the table. I also had to be mindful anytime I took a picture from that point on to make sure there wasn't any alcohol in the background or if we were somewhere with alcohol, like a bar or distillery, I couldn't actually tell anyone where we were. I remember being so angry and not hiding my frustration from Aaron. I thought it was stupid that while our pastor agreed drinking alcohol is not a sin, we hide to remove it as if it was. But I still did it, even if begrudgingly, because that's what a good pastor's wife does. She submits to her husband and church leadership and does whatever is necessary to help her husband fulfill his calling.

     This was the first time I remember feeling like I had to hide parts of who I am. It was communicated to me, whether intentionally or unintentionally, that there was an image I was expected to put forth and there were parts of me that did not fit that image and thus were not good enough. I had to be one person in public and a different person in private. When no one was around, I could be my full self, but if anyone was around, I was expected to wear a mask and fit the mold.

Photo by Motoki Tonn on Unsplash

     Over the years, this feeling that I wasn't good enough and that I had to hide parts of myself would just continue to grow. When I would walk into church, I had to make sure my "face" was on. I had to be careful of the words I spoke. I could never be truly open or vulnerable with other members because then they might see those "less than" parts of me. The Lisa our church saw was not the real Lisa, because the real Lisa was not good enough.

     This last year as been a time for me to find the real Lisa again. I have worked on being real, and not apologizing for who I am. I have tried to stop hiding parts of myself and accept the parts that for so long I was made to feel were "less than". I still have a ways to go, but I'm making my way back to me. I'm hoping that when I find myself again that I will be able to see that I am exactly who God made me to be. I'm hoping that at the end of this journey I will be able to crash that mold that I've been attempting to squeeze myself into and be fully and uniquely me.