Yesterday we met with our pastor. We met with him because Aaron thinks he wants to go back into paid vocational ministry and we both know that we need to work through and make sure we deal with what happened at our last church. Neither one of us wants to take that hurt and baggage into the next place and then cause hurt or pain there. We know that we need to process and deal with what happened.
What I THOUGHT was going to happen: We would go in, share what happened, admit to the areas we failed, be given some practical steps to process, think through ways to handle conflict and hard things in the future and eventually be sent out by our church.
What ACTUALLY happened: I was asked what I want. I admitted to my fears of not being good enough - a good enough Christian, a good enough pastor's wife, a good enough woman, etc. I was given permission to name the hurt done to me WITHOUT looking for ways I had been wrong. I was reminded that following after Jesus is not meant to be full of pressure and I was given permission to stop doing things out of obligation and guilt. I was given permission to figure out what I want and that I do not have to fit some arbituary definition or mold of "pastor's wife".
At one point, my pastor point-blank asked me why I kept pointing out the mistakes I made that I thought caused me to be hurt. I think I may have physcially pushed back against the sofa as I contemplated that question. After a few moments, I answered that part of it is growing up in the shame culture of the south, I was taught to find my blame in any situation.
Later, Aaron and I were processing out loud our conversation and I realized that deep down I think I am justifying other people's mistreatment of me. As if in some way, I deserve the hurt or the wrong or the suffering. Because I am not good enough, it is somehow okay for others to mistreat me.
Something that my pastor said still has me a little shook: "You don't have to repent for suffering." For so much of my life, I have been taught that I am a wretched sinner and the consequences of that sin is suffering. I'm just now beginning to realize that I believe I deserve to suffer because I have failed and because I have sinned.
Suffering is not a sin.
It is not on me to repent of another person's sin. It is okay to acknowledge when and name how someone has hurt me. It is okay to admit that the situation at our last church was at times abusive. And I don't have to repent for any of that.
My pastor has encouraged me to spend some time and actually name the hurts. Not list the mistakes I made, not justify someone else's actions. Just name the hurts. To give myself permission to see the hurt and the wrong for what it was. To release the pressure I have been putting on myself.
So that is what I am going to attempt to do. Over time, I'm going to name the hurts. I am going to own the fears that have been weighing me down. I am going to seek to find myself again. I am going to take back my voice and my choice.
It is not going to be easy. I am using new muscles and it will be painful, but like my pastor, I'm curious to see who I will be once I feel fully seen and known.
Be patient with me, I am a work in progress, but I am just that, in progress.
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| Photo by Florian Klauer on Unsplash |
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