Permission Granted

      Yesterday we met with our pastor. We met with him because Aaron thinks he wants to go back into paid vocational ministry and we both know that we need to work through and make sure we deal with what happened at our last church. Neither one of us wants to take that hurt and baggage into the next place and then cause hurt or pain there. We know that we need to process and deal with what happened.

     What I THOUGHT was going to happen: We would go in, share what happened, admit to the areas we failed, be given some practical steps to process, think through ways to handle conflict and hard things in the future and eventually be sent out by our church.

     What ACTUALLY happened: I was asked what I want. I admitted to my fears of not being good enough - a good enough Christian, a good enough pastor's wife, a good enough woman, etc. I was given permission to name the hurt done to me WITHOUT looking for ways I had been wrong. I was reminded that following after Jesus is not meant to be full of pressure and I was given permission to stop doing things out of obligation and guilt. I was given permission to figure out what I want and that I do not have to fit some arbituary definition or mold of "pastor's wife".

      At one point, my pastor point-blank asked me why I kept pointing out the mistakes I made that I thought caused me to be hurt. I think I may have physcially pushed back against the sofa as I contemplated that question. After a few moments, I answered that part of it is growing up in the shame culture of the south, I was taught to find my blame in any situation.

     Later, Aaron and I were processing out loud our conversation and I realized that deep down I think I am justifying other people's mistreatment of me. As if in some way, I deserve the hurt or the wrong or the suffering. Because I am not good enough, it is somehow okay for others to mistreat me.

     Something that my pastor said still has me a little shook: "You don't have to repent for suffering." For so much of my life, I have been taught that I am a wretched sinner and the consequences of that sin is suffering. I'm just now beginning to realize that I believe I deserve to suffer because I have failed and because I have sinned.

      Suffering is not a sin. 

      It is not on me to repent of another person's sin. It is okay to acknowledge when and name how someone has hurt me. It is okay to admit that the situation at our last church was at times abusive. And I don't have to repent for any of that.

     My pastor has encouraged me to spend some time and actually name the hurts. Not list the mistakes I made, not justify someone else's actions. Just name the hurts. To give myself permission to see the hurt and the wrong for what it was. To release the pressure I have been putting on myself.

     So that is what I am going to attempt to do. Over time, I'm going to name the hurts. I am going to own the fears that have been weighing me down. I am going to seek to find myself again. I am going to take back my voice and my choice. 

     It is not going to be easy. I am using new muscles and it will be painful, but like my pastor, I'm curious to see who I will be once I feel fully seen and known. 

     Be patient with me, I am a work in progress, but I am just that, in progress.

Photo by Florian Klauer on Unsplash

     

A Lonely Introvert

     There are things about me that I think make it hard to be my friend.

     Big crowds cause me anxiety. I hate social situations where I don't know anyone and have to force myself to attend social functions. More times than I can count I have said something awkward or socially inapproriate or overshared. Often I will make the conversation about me (I really don't mean to and many times I don't realize it until after the fact). I am a work-from-home mom who also homeschools and has a child with multiple medical and other non-typical needs. I am an introvert who most of the time prefers being alone or with my immediate family because being around too many people can drain me of all my energy. 

     I am also lonely A LOT. When most people hear "introvert" they think: shy, doesn't like people, only wants to be alone, etc. And yes, there are times when I would rather be alone, but it is not because I dislike people or never want to be around others, it's just that I need alone time to recharge and reset. I want to be included, but it is hard for me to initiate a social hang-out. So, I end up sitting on the sidelines watching the people in my life do all the things I wish I was included in.

     Another thing about me that makes it hard to be my friend: I'm a worse-case scenario type of person and unfortunately I have a bad tendecy to take things personally. I also hold things in and won't tell you if my feelings have been hurt. How this plays out in my friendships, I will see friends hanging out together and immediately question why I wasn't invited and think there is something wrong with me and that my friends don't actually like me, but I won't ever say anything to anyone. So I end up in this vicious cycle of wanting to be included, feeling left out when I'm not included, thinking that I'm not included because of some character flaw, and keeping silent about it all, which means my friends don't realize I want to be included, so I'm not included.

     Whenever I get in this cycle, I try to remind myself that I'm not being intentionally left out. I will go through all of the logical reasons as to why I wasn't included: a friend is hanging out with her other friends and I'm not really friends with those people, my work schedule doesn't allow much flexibility during the week, my youngest has therapy four days a week, I've never indicated to said friends that I wanted to be included in the activity, if I really want to hang out I could pick up the phone. Sometimes this helps and I can see the irrationality spiral I am heading towards, but then there are times when all the logical reasons in the world can't keep me from spiraling into self-loathing loneliness.

     I finally said out loud a while ago that I am lonely. I was talking to the hubby and finally said how much it hurts when I see my friends hanging out and I'm not included. We talked for a while and he reassured me that it's nothing against me and helped me think about steps I can take to be more included.

     One of the things I have been doing lately is pushing myself outside my comfort zone and going to more social events. My church offers Women's School a few times a year, and I've signed up for it each time. Each time I am with a different group of women, which is pushing me to spend time weekly with people I normally wouldn't. I also plan on attending a Mom's Night Out later this month, something I normally wouldn't do. I don't love being in these kinds of social situations, but I'm trying to push myself out of my comfort zone.

    I am also trying to simply say yes more often. Because of my social anxiety and introvertness (is that a word?) I have a bad habit of making excuses to not do something. It doesn't make sense, but even though I want to be included, sometimes the thought of being in an uncomfortable situation also seems so overwhelming that it's just easier to make an excuse and say no. Then I end up hating myself for being left out. Again vicious cycle. So, I'm trying to say yes and not make excuses.

     Finally, I'm trying to speak out more. Just this week, I walked into a social setting and saw a friend who I hadn't seen in a while. She seemed so geniuely excited to see me and it really meant a lot to me. On the way home, I mentioned it to Aaron and said, I think I should tell her how much it meant to me. So, when we got home, I sent her a message letting her know that it meant a lot to me and that I had been really lonely and needed to feel wanted. It wasn't much, but it had a two-fold benefit. First, it let my friend know how awesome she is (because let's face it, she is), but it also pushed me to say the hard things. Yes, it was a good thing, but it was still hard. I had to be vulnerable and admit that I was lonely. 

    So here are some of the hard things I struggle to say: I want to be a better friend. I want to be the person other's think of when they are planning something. I want to be included. I don't want to be alone. I want to be seen.

     Social gatherings do give me anxiety, but I also want to be included. I need space to recharge by myself, but I don't always want to be alone. I am introvert, and I am lonely. 

We are going to be THOSE parents

      We have never really been the kind of parents to think "oh that will never happen to us." We discuss worst case scenarios with our kiddos on a regular basis. We have talked about what to do if someone tries to take one of them or what to do if someone stops their car in the neighborhood asking one of them, a kid, for help. We have talked about what to do if they are at a friend's house and they begin to feel uncomfortable or someone wants them to do something they feel is wrong. We've discussed what to do if they get lost at Disney World or the zoo or a theme park. We talk about what to do if they get lost in a crowded store or if we get separated in a crowd. But never, in all of these worst case scenario discussions, have we ever talked about what to do if they get lost in the woods.

     This week we rented a cabin at a state park and got off grid for a couple days. Upon arrival, we unloaded, set up our cabin, and decided to go explore before dinner since it was still early. We cut through the woods from our cabin and linked up with one of the trails and walked for about half a mile, exploring our surroundings. The temp was starting to drop, so we decided to turn around and head back to the cabin before it got too late. The plan was to eat some dinner and then have a game night. The big kids ran ahead, which didn't concern us because we hadn't gone far and there were 3 cut throughs to get to the cabins from the trail. 

     We got back to the cabin and neither big kid was there. We weren't worried, just figured they missed the first cut through and were just further down the trail. Aaron put down the baby and headed back to the trail to call the kiddos back. Our son came into the cabin and then a few minutes later Aaron came in asking if our daughter was back. S still hadn't shown up, so Aaron told me to suit up and come help him look because he could not see her anywhere on the trail. I put my shoes and sweatshirt back on and followed Aaron out to the trail, leaving E and the baby at the cabin. Aaron rushed ahead calling for S, while I followed behind slower, scanning the lake and the woods for the sparkly pink jacket that S was wearing. 

     We walked for at least half a mile before Aaron turned around and met up with me. At this point, I told Aaron it was time to head back to the cabin and if S wasn't there one of us would need to take the car and go find a park ranger to help us. We met up with our cabin "neighbor" who was also out looking for our girl along with his 14 year old daughter ,who was at the time running up and down side trails looking for S. I ran up through the first cut through to the cabin while Aaron stayed on the trail and found that S still wasn't back. So I ran ahead to the next cut through, told Aaron that I was going to get help while he continued on the trail, backtracking to where we went earlier thinking maybe S went there.

     Before getting in the car, our neighbor told me that he was going to go in the opposite direction and search some of the side trails and knowing that we didn't have phone signal, told me that if I heard 3 gunshots that was him. I got in my car and started to drive, reciting out loud all the information I knew; what cabin we were staying in, the trail number, the landmarks we had walked past, what S was wearing, her physical description, etc. At one point, I started to get scared, thinking about how cold it was getting, that S wasn't dressed for cold weather, how scared S must be, and I started to cry. But then I told myself, "STOP, you have a job to do and you can't break down right now". I also prayed harder than I had ever prayed in my life, praying not only that we would find her, but that God would comfort S and assure her that we were looking for her and that we would not stop.

     Thankfully, I found a park ranger at one of the other campgrounds and jumped out of the car to let him know my daughter was missing. After taking down her physical description, the ranger radioed to the main gate and told them to stop every car leaving the park and look for a 10 year old girl fitting my daughter's description. I will admit, this was the point I almost threw up. It hadn't even crossed my mind that someone might take my girl. As I was giving the ranger our contact information, I heard 3 gunshots and knew that was our neighbor. I told as much to the ranger and ran back to my car to drive back to the cabins. I had never been so happy to hear gunshots in my life.

     As soon as I jumped out of the car at the cabins, our neighbor's wife met me and told me that her daughter had just called, they found S and were bringing her home. I think I took the first full breath in an hour and anxiously waited to hold my sweet baby girl. The ranger followed me to the cabin and I was able to tell him the good news, S was found and on her way back. He told me that I had done a great job, cancelled the stopping of every car, and went towards where Aaron had headed so he could send him home. It wasn't long before Aaron showed back up, because when he heard those gunshots, he knew that he needed to go in the direction of those shots. He came to the cabin and I was able to tell him that our girl had been found.

     When we caught the first glimpse of that sparkly jacket, we both took off running, Aaron getting to her first, and S jumped into her daddy's arms, sobbing. I got to her next and wrapped her cold little body in my arms and told her that we never stopped looking for her and that we were so happy she was okay. We got her inside, warm, fed, and smothered with hugs. We found out that she had kept walking down the trail for almost 3/4 of a mile before finally turning around. She even climbed a hill at one point to a firetower, thinking a ranger or firefighter would be there, and upon getting there and seeing that there was no one around, she curled up on the bench and just cried. After a few minutes, our brave girl persevered and told herself that she had to keep walking, so she went back down to the trail and soon after, our neighbor's daughter found her.

     We talked for a long time that night and again the next day about what she should have done. That if she is walking and no longer recognizes anything, to STOP and turn around. We got her a trail map the next morning and she actually highlighted the trails we planned to take before leaving the cabin. While on the trail, we had her point out landmarks that would help her recognize where she was. We worked with her on how to best read the map and we set new boundaries, telling her that if ran ahead and turned around and could not see us, that she was to stop and stay where she was until she could see us again.

     Aaron and I have also had several conversations since our girl got lost about how we can better prepare our kids and how we can prevent something like this from happening again. We have discussed getting some good walkie talkies, with a decent range, so that even if we get separated, we can communicate in areas with no phone signal. I told Aaron that our kids will each carry a preparedness bag everytime we go hiking from now on. The bag will have water, snacks, a sweatshirt, gloves, and warm hat, a flashlight, and a whistle or loud alarm. We have learned a valuable lesson from this experience and will be better prepared should our adventurous, explorer kiddos get separated from us.

    I write this, one to help process what happened, but also as a warning to other adventure loving families. Please, please talk with your kids about what they should do if they get lost in the woods. Talk about the importance of paying attention to landmarks and that if they no longer recognize their surrounds to STOP, TURN AROUND, and GO BACK the way they came. Tell them that if it starts to get dark to STOP and STAY RIGHT WHERE THEY ARE on the trail. Please give your kids worst-case scenario items - at least a whistle or an alarm, but I would encourage a backpack with the items listed above. As I tell Aaron a lot, if you prepare for the worst-case scenario, then odds are the worst won't happen. Pay attention to your kids, note what they are wearing before heading out, pay attention to the the trail numbers and markings and landmarks so you can give thorough descriptions to authorities if needed. 

     Even with this traumatic experience, our girl still wants to go back to the state park and stay in the cabins again. She still loves hiking and exploring the great outdoors. And she says that even though she was scared at the time, she isn't scared to go out again. Things could have been so much worse, but God was kind and gracious and our story has a happy ending.

Thirteen years

     Thirteen years ago this was the topper on the cake at our wedding rehearsal dinner. It was done as a joke, based in reality. When Aaron and I first started dating almost 15 years ago, we fought ALL THE TIME. And I am not exaggerating. Some people were surprised that we are actually getting married. In the early days, we were both very passionate, loved being right, and were not very good at compromising. Much of our dating relationship took place during the days of Instant Messenger (think Facebook with less people and no ads) and we would leave passive aggressive away messages about each other every time we got into a fight. It was an ugly mess, because we equated drama with passion.
       The first few years of our marriage were honestly not much better. We would still fight about everything and spend days on end in a huff, giving each other the silent treatment and talking about how ridiculous the other was to our friends and respective families. Peace and unity were not the priority, but instead winning at any cost. In those days, we would say words to intentionally hurt the other person just so we could win the argument. Looking back on those days, while there was much love and many good memories, I also see two very sinful kids who had no idea what marriage was really about.
       In our third year of marriage, God moved us away from everyone and everything we knew so that Aaron could attend seminary in Louisville, KY. While I knew we were doing the right thing in following God's will, I had never felt more alone than in those first few years in Louisville. It took several months for me to find a job and it was very hard for me to make friends. All I wanted to do was go back home to my momma and what was familiar to me. Aaron and I were still not communicating well and after about six months in Louisville, we found out that I was pregnant with Sophia. I felt even more isolated and I was absolutely terrified at the thought of raising two kids without the support of family nearby.
       Aaron and I do not romanticize those early years in Louisville, instead we see them for what they were: the hardest time in our marriage where calling it quits seemed like the easiest option. It is hard to admit, but there were many times during those days that I was ready to pack up the kids and leave. I was bottling up my feelings, crying alone at night, and waiting for Aaron to magically read my mind and know what was going on inside of me. Aaron was overwhelmed with working to support our growing family and working towards his masters degree and probably frustrated with a wife who was moody and that he could never seem to make happy.
       It took a lot of time and even more work, but we made it through the "dark years" and came out the other side more connected, stronger, and more in love than ever. We finally learned how to communicate and compromise and the importance of not letting things stew and fester. Now, 13 years into this marriage journey, I would say that we are the strongest and closest we have ever been. We have had to lean on each other and God as we faced trials that seemed insurmountable and we have rejoiced together at blessings beyond our imagination.
    While we are no where near experts on marriage, we have learned a lot in our 13 years as man and wife, and I can say truthfully, that this man God blessed me with is truly my best friend. I don't think there has ever been a day when I did not LOVE Aaron, but there were definitely a lot of days when I did not LIKE him at all. When we first got married, we were naive enough to think that LOVING each other was all we would ever need. We had no idea how important it was to actually LIKE your spouse. Now there is honestly no one else I would rather spend time with than Aaron (especially during football season when the Panthers are playing). What a blessing it is to be married to your best friend.
     Today we are celebrating 13 years of marriage. We fought hard to get to this point, but I can honestly say every moment was worth it. We have grown closer with each move (grand total to date is 6 moves across 3 states). I have loved watching Aaron become Daddy to Elias, Sophia, and most recently Eliana. Each day I wake up and choose to love Aaron, and through God's blessing, my love for him grows every morning. These past few years have been beautiful and people who have only known us in this season find it hard to believe we weren't always like this. Now we are the couple who probably makes other people sick, we are always touching each other, always near each other, and genuinely like each other. We don't do well if we are apart for too long - it's even hard on the weeks when Aaron has to work multiple long days. Someone yesterday said that we are always attached, and it is true. I love this man of mine and I am so thankful that God gave him to me. 13 down, a lifetime left to go.

   

Next Steps, Fundraising, and Holding Pattern

   Last week, I shared with you about how Aaron and I have started the process to hopefully adopt a child with special needs from out of foster care. Currently, we are in somewhat of a holding pattern as we wait for our foster care classes to begin, but since we are not very good at staying still, we have entered full force into fundraising mode.
   After I posted our blog last week I was overwhelmed by the support we received and the offers from people who want to help. One of those people was a friend who is incredibly creative, named Kim. Kim contacted me the morning after I posted the blog and told me about these beautiful prints that she has designed.

 
 These prints are available online here: http://kd316.com/2015/06/13/heart-hope-justice-adoption-aaron-and-lisa-tant/. Each print sells for $16 and $10 from each sale will go towards our adoption fund.
     I am an Usborne Books and More consultant and my upline suggested that I do Parties for a Cause. So for the rest of this summer, every party I do, whether it be a home party, a Facebook party, or an e-show, will be Party for a Cause, with 20% of the retail sales going towards our adoption fund. I am very excited about this because I get to share something that I love with people and help children get their hands on amazing books, all while raising money to prepare to expand my family. Doesn't get much better than that! You can learn more about Usborne by going to my website: https://z3029.myubam.com/103894

   

 Another way we are raising money and involving our family in North Carolina is by doing a Cards for a Cause fundraiser through Usborne. Our family is selling boxes of greeting cards for $30. Each box has 30 individually wrapped greeting cards with envelopes and these are the really nice cards that normally cost $4 at the store. There are 2 general boxes and a Kids' box. The general boxes have a variety of cards-get well cards, thank you cards, birthday cards, etc. The Kids' box has 30 kid-friendly birthday cards. The best part is that $13 of every box sold will go to our adoption fund. 

  

  Towards the end of July or the beginning of August, we will be having a yard sale. Several of our friends have offered to go through their stuff and donate items for the sale. Aaron is the least excited about this particular fundraiser as he does not like yard sales, however we are committed to raising money however we can.

    Finally, we also have a GoFundMe page. 

    So that is where we are, taking our next steps and trying to be productive while in our current holding pattern. Continue to pray for us throughout this journey and if you are interested in any of our fundraisers, please let me know. 

Stepping out of the Hypothetical

    A little less than a year ago I shared with everyone my family's desire to begin the adoption process. In all honesty, even though we had a time frame in mind, adoption was still a very hypothetical "one day we'll do it" type of thing. That all changed a few weeks ago.
    My mom and sister were up for a visit and one evening my mom was contacted by a friend who is a social worker. This friend shared with my mom that a child with special needs was going to be available for adoption soon. As my mom was describing the child, I immediately said, "I want him." There was no hesitation on my part, I just knew that he was the child I wanted.
    I talked about it with Aaron and it didn't take long for him to get on board as well. We started feeling the waters to see if adopting this child, who is currently in another state, was even a possibility. After talking to our friend, we learned that inter-state adoption was very much a possibility and that our next step was to beginning the process of being licensed as foster parents in our state. It just happened to work out that the very day we called to get information they were having an information meeting that night. Attending the meeting was the first step in becoming foster parents and we signed up that night to begin classes the first weekend in August. This morning someone from county where this child is called us and reaffirmed that inter-state adoption was possible and that we are definitely on the right track to adopt this child. In the matter of a few days, adoption went from a "one day hypothetical" to a very real possibility.
     So what's next? While we are waiting to begin our foster care classes there are several things that need to be done. First is we need to do some remodeling on our home. The biggest priority is remodeling the basement. Currently we have a guest room on our main floor which will need to become this child's room. That means that our basement, that is partially finished but not a very pleasant place, needs to be remodeled into a functioning guest space. We would also like to open up our kitchen to accommodate more people. Another large purchase we will need to make is a mini-van. Currently, our vehicle cannot comfortably seat 5 people, and this child will require equipment that will require more storage space in our vehicle.
    All of these things unfortunately cost money (oh how I wish we still worked on the barter system). We do not wish to go into more debt, so we are going to begin fundraisers in the coming weeks. We plan to do a Cards for a Cause fundraiser, a yard sale, search for grants, publicize our GoFundMe page, and ask for people with skills to donate their time and skills. Our goal is to raise enough money to purchase an appropriate vehicle and do the necessary renovations in our home. Then if there is any money left over we will use that money to pay down our debt. We want to be the best stewards of our resources so that we can best care for our children, and we feel that getting rid of our debt is one way to do that.
     We will attend pre-service classes every Saturday in August and then at the end of that month our first home visit will be scheduled. Our hope is that all the necessary renovations are complete by this point. During this time of waiting my husband and I also plan on becoming experts in this child's disability so that we are prepared when the time comes.
     During the next few months please pray with us and for us. Pray that we will continue to have smooth sailing with the process. Pray that we will be able to raise the necessary money to do all that needs to be done before our home is ready to welcome another child. Pray that we will continue to have realistic expectations through this process. We understand that this will not be a quick process or an easy transition and that there is a chance that this child will be placed with another family.
 

Silent No More

 

Image courtesy of Witthaya Phonsawat at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

     It has been a long time since I have written anything. In fact my last post was on November 11, 2014. Over the past couple of days I have been reading back through my old posts and realized that all of them had hope and pointed to Christ. I think the reason I haven't written is because over the past few months I have lost my hope. I have stopped looking to Christ as my comfort. I have let fear and shame and sadness silence me. I have been hiding my pain, but no more. Today I reclaim my voice and I share the ugly truth.
     About a month ago I was on my way to church and I was angry. Aaron and I had had yet another argument and I had stormed out. I was mad at life and like I so often do when I am alone in the car, I started talking to myself. My youngest sister, who passed away in October, was heavy on mind and heart and I began thinking that maybe I was not processing my grief well and that was manifesting itself in anger at everyone and everything.
     At church I ran into the wife of one of our elders, she and her husband head up the counseling ministry as a matter of fact. I realized in that moment that God had intervened and put me in the same space as the person who could help me. I basically stalked this woman until she and I could have a few moments alone. I shared with her some of the things that were plaguing my soul and she shared with me the steps I needed to take to receive Gospel Care and she prayed with me. Later that night she touched base with me again and we agreed that I would go through Gospel Care with our church's family pastor since I had been serving in the children's ministry for years.
    It took a few weeks but schedules finally worked out and two Saturdays ago, our family pastor, Aaron, and I meet for our first session. I went into this meeting thinking that I would be working through grief, but realized that there was so much more going on.
    My pastor shared that anger is a surface level emotion and that there is something deeper going on. Anger is easier than actually dealing with the real emotion. We spent this first meeting trying to determine what is going on deep in my soul. I shared with my pastor and my husband how I feel alone and like I shouldn't be sad about my sister since we didn't have a strong relationship and how I have irrational fears. I have actually shared about my fears and anxieties on the blog before. However, before that day I never realized just how far back my fears go.
     As we were talking I realized that my irrational fears go back to my childhood. I was a cautious kid who thought about the consequences before doing anything. I was a rule-follower to a fault. In fact, to this day I don't like The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss because the Cat was not supposed to be there and the kids did things they weren't supposed to do. My pastor asked me if I would ever tell anyone when I was afraid as a child and said, "not really, I would usually isolate myself in my room. I didn't tell my parents because I didn't want to add a burden to them." As we talked I also realized that I didn't share my fear because I was ashamed, I didn't want to be seen as weak or wrong or broken. I didn't want to make waves, so I buried my pain and I isolated myself. I'm pretty sure that my parents to this day don't know how often I was afraid as I child, sorry Mom and Dad. I don't fault my parents AT ALL, I am pretty good at hiding.
     I walked away from that meeting realizing that I get angry when I feel I am losing control, which I know is an illusion to begin with. I admitted to myself and my husband that I have irrational, exaggerated fears that at times can paralyze me. There are many things I don't even try or give up on almost immediately for fear of failing. I also realized that I have exaggerated shame. Because I never felt like I could share my fears or pain or failings, my shame became exaggerated. The hardest part was admitting that I don't trust Christ. I am Christian and I know all the right answers, I know that when I am afraid I should remember that God is in control, but I don't. Before this week, it had been a very long time since I had opened my Bible to have a quiet time. I was retreating from the Lord and I had stopped trusting that he could handle my life.
    As much as I hate to admit it, I struggle with depression and irrationality. I have seen this in very vivid ways this week. When I make a mistake, instead of learning from that mistake and growing, I spiral down into a self-loathing pit where I think, "I am screw-up and I am ruining my husband's life, he would be better off without me, it would be better if I was invisible." Having a clean house matters to my husband and this week I have been trying to make a more conscious effort to clean. However, I feel like a child because I once I clean something I immediately have to tell him what I did. I feel like I am jumping up and down saying, "look at me, look what I did, I am of value." I am so desperate for his affirmation that I sometimes force the issue.
     I have also seen this week how contradictory my behavior is to what I actually want from people. I pull away and isolate myself, yet I don't want to be alone. I act cold towards my husband when what I want most is for him to pull me in. I hide away my pain for fear of disapproval when what I want most is someone to step in to my darkness and see what is really there. I make myself invisible when all I want is to be seen and known.
     This morning we started a sermon series at church about feelings and we started the series off by talking about sadness and working through Psalm 77. Before our pastor began preaching the text he talked about the factors that cause sadness. There are situational factors, like losing a loved one or losing a job, there are physical factors, like stress and fatigue, and then there is clinical depression. As he was talking about clinical depression I realized for the first time that I am mostly afraid that one day I am going to be diagnosed with a mental illness. Mental illness runs in my family and the odds that I too have a mental illness are actually strong. I am afraid that I am crazy.
     I write this because I don't want to hide anymore. I no longer want to let my fear choke me and silence my voice. I no longer want my shame to paralyze me. I don't want to be invisible any longer, I want to be seen and known for all I am, even the ugly parts. I don't want to hide my pain and pretend that everything is okay. I want to trust that Christ does understand where I am and that he is in the midst of my darkness. I want to run to my Father instead of retreating into myself.
     There will be no Bible verses to end this post. I will not be sharing ways to love well a person struggling with the junk I struggle with. This is the beginning of my journey and I hope that you will come along with me. At times my journey will be dark and ugly, but there will also be times of joy and hope. My goal is to use this blog as a way to reclaim my voice. I have suffered in silence for too long, it is time to speak up and as my family pastor said, "make waves." Finally pray for me as I make this journey. Pray for my husband to have patience and understanding as he takes this journey with me. Pray for my kids that they will be able to see and learn how to deal with emotions in a healthy way through my journey. Pray for the people who are helping me along the way that God will use them to speak truth to my soul.