It has been a week since I posted last and for that I am sorry. Last week was a tough week and my heart was not in writing anything. Yesterday was a day of rejuvenation and refreshment at church and during family time. I was able to take a long nap snuggled up with my 3 year old daughter, which never happens anymore, and that moment alone was enough to get me through the week. I was also able to worship my Lord and Savior through singing and hearing the truth preached from his word and serving in the children's ministry at church. My heart was truly ministered to as I read a chapter in the book Life's Biggest Questions by Erik Thoennes on "What is a Human Being?" This chapter was part of my homework for Women's School, but God knew that hidden within the paragraphs would be words that would strengthen my resolve and help me push onward.
I have written before on the blog on the topic of reconciliation and that situation is what leads me to write this post. I have someone in my life whom I love very much and over whom my heart breaks often. This person has hurt me and hurt my family many times in the past and there have been times when I have wanted to write her off and there have been times when I have felt she was a lost cause and not worth my time or effort. However, as Christ has grown me over the past few months and as I have come to realize my utter and complete dependence on the cross, my attitude towards this person has been changed through the power of the Holy Spirit. Instead of being angry with her, I am now burdened for her. Instead of wanting nothing to do with her, I have a deep desire to reach out to her and minister to her in grace and love. Instead of scoffing at her life choices, my heart breaks as I watch her get closer and closer to death, and fear that her death will mean she will spend eternity in hell.
In the past I have kept silent to this person because I didn't want the drama and I didn't want to rock the boat and because I simply was not willing to get dirty in her mess if that was asked of me. I wanted to keep her at a distance, be judgmental, and feel superior each time she failed. The transforming power of the Holy Spirit is amazing and it has truly transformed my heart for this person. I have spoken my concerns to her for the first time in our relationship. I am praying for her on a regular basis in a way that I never have before. My heart is truly broken and burdened for her to the point that I can no longer stand idly by, but must instead join in the fight for her life. I am not sure exactly what that is going to look like or what will be asked of me, but for the first time I am willing to get in the mess and answer "yes" to what is asked of me.
This past week I reached out to this person and I told her all of my concerns. The response I got was not entirely pleasant and it was very clear that she did not see any validity in my concerns. To be honest, I was not surprised at her response and even told myself, "well at least I said something and my conscience is clear." Then as I sat in church yesterday, I realized that my conscience was not clear because I was not called to simply speak my concerns and hope she listened. I have been called to love her and get in her mess with her. I have been called to love her as Christ loves me, even when it's hard and even when it seems it is all in vain. Loving someone who is hostile to the gospel is not easy, but I keep telling myself that her life is precious and her life has value and that she is worth it.
After leaving church, I knew that my call was to love her, but I still felt despair because if I was honest with myself, I was doubting that she would ever change. Then as I was reading for my homework assignment I came across this:
"When God redeems someone, he is re-creating with the same power with which he spoke the world into existence. God is the powerful, wise, good God who made everything; knowing this provides great hope for personal and cosmic transformation. There is never room for a believer to despair over his or her own level of sanctification, nor is it legitimate to doubt God's ability to change someone we are ministering to, because God's power as Creator is fully able change rebellious hearts into worshipful ones." [emphasis mine] (Thoennes, Life's Biggest Questions, 2011, pp 132-133)
This was exactly what my heart needed to hear. I cannot save this person and I cannot change her heart, but I trust in a God who created the universe by simply speaking it into existence. If God can do that, then he surely is powerful enough to change the heart of someone hostile to the gospel. Being reminded of this truth has renewed my hope that this person can be saved and that one day I will rejoice with the angels in heaven as she calls on Jesus as her salvation.
I share this one to ask for your prayers. I know you don't know her name, but God does, so please lift her up to our Heavenly Father that his transforming power will affect her heart and show her how desperately she needs a savior. Secondly, I share this to also share my renewed hope. Most of us have that one person over which our heart is burdened and it is easy to lose hope. Let the truth of God's mighty transforming power give you hope and renew your resolve. Loving someone to Jesus is a hard road that sometimes seems endless, but our Savior is mighty and strong and capable of softening even the hardest hearts. Keep pursing!
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