Looking Beyond Current Circumstance to Remember Past Provision

    Some of you already know that our family has hit on some difficult times in the last couple of weeks. Two weeks ago my husband's car was involved in 3 wrecks in 5 days and we spent several days just seeking after God in the midst of our chaos. Then last week we went down to one car as we are waiting to get tags put on the car my amazing father-in-law so graciously gave us. This means we all have to get up before 6 am, load up the car, drive my husband to work, drive home and then pick him up again at the end of the work day. On top of that, my car needed a new tire two weekends ago and this past weekend in addition to a standard oil change, we had to replace the brake pads and rotors on my car. To make things even more challenging, last week was spring break which means I did not nanny, and this week the little boy I watch has been sick, so I have only watched him one day. No nanny job means no paycheck for me.
    Suffice it to say, we are experiencing a time of trial. I share this not to get your pity or even to complain about how horrible my life is. I share this because so often I allow my struggles to isolate me. The enemy feeds us the lie that we are alone in our struggles and there is no one else out there who will understand. The enemy wants to deter us from seeking out our God and remembering the truths of Scripture. The enemy wants to distract us with our current circumstance so that we won't remember God's past provisions.
     God has shown up in real and profound ways time and time again. When we first moved to Louisville back in 2009, we came totally on faith. We had no jobs, no place to live, and no real savings. We simply knew that God had called Aaron to Southern Baptist Seminary and we were going to follow that call. Within a matter of days of being in Louisville, my husband was giving a job at the seminary's dining hall, which would turn into a full-time manager position  years later and provide meals many times over the years. We found a small apartment that more than met our needs. During those first few months though, money was very tight. I distinctly remember one day when I had to go buy groceries. We only had about $20 in our account so I was making a list of the absolute essentials we needed to feed our son. Before I went to the store, I walked down and checked our mailbox. Inside was a letter from someone back home with a check for $100. I ran up the stairs to our apartment and showed my husband. That check meant we could buy food we actually wanted, not just what we needed. God provided!
     My God is a great God who has promised to take care of me and my family and my God can be trusted to keep his promises. Today I spent some time in God's word seeking out some Scripture to remind me of this truth. I want to share a few of the verses that really hit home with me.

    Psalm 18:30 - "This God-his way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him."
    - I serve a perfect God and his word is proven true time and time again! Hallelujah!

    Psalm 111:4-5 - "He has caused his wondrous works to be remembered; the Lord is gracious and merciful. He provides food for those who fear him; he remembers his covenant forever."
     - My God has always been faithful and he will continue to be. When I face struggles, I need to remember all his wondrous works. Pray that God will remind you of all he has done for you!

    Philippians 4:6 - "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God."
    - Often I do not give voice to my requests. Sometimes I believe I am being selfish or that God has more important things to deal with, but this verse shatters that lie. I am told to make my requests known to God, not because he doesn't already know, but because part of the process of letting go of anxiety is knowing that you have given it to God. When I give voice to my requests, I can let them go and trust in my God to fulfill my needs

    Philippians 4:19 - "And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus."
    - My God has promised to supply my needs-I need to cling to that promise!

    The past couple of days, I have struggled with trusting God completely to provide and care for us. I had reached my natural capacity for trust. So this morning I am asking for a supernatural capacity for trust. I am getting in my God's face with his word, begging him to keep his promises and to give me the strength to remember and trust!

I Do Not Feel Saved

     I am and always have been an overly emotional person. I cry at commercials, movies, books, stories, etc. When something makes me happy, I can soar off into elation rather quickly. When something makes me mad, I can rapidly spiral down into full blown, hard-to-control anger. Emotional responses make me feel alive in a way, and I rely on my emotions too often to gauge the reality or depth of something.
     For many years, I believed that to be saved I had to feel saved. I sought an emotional high that would make me feel good and thus assure me of a real salvation. Year after year I would rededicate my life to Jesus at summer camp. Anytime I attended a youth retreat or worship concert or Christian day at Carowinds, I was one of the first to run to the front during the altar call. I wanted to feel saved so I chased emotional experience after emotional experience. Not surprisingly, my emotions would eventually fade and I wouldn't feel saved anymore and I would fear going to hell. My emotions could never assure me for long.
   
     Jeremiah 17:9 - "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?"

     My heart and my emotions are incredibly fickle and they change dependent upon my circumstances. I never experienced a true, lasting heart change, so my emotional highs were simply lies meant to deceive me and prevent me from seeking out Christ in a real way. The enemy fed me the lie that I had to feel saved to be saved. I was following my emotional responses straight to hell.
     For those of you who have been following on my blogging journey, you know that God has been changing my heart in real, lasting ways. I am seeking Christ as opposed to emotional responses. I am relying on the truth of Scripture, not necessarily what makes me feel good. I no longer have the need to feel saved because I know I am saved.

     1 Corinthians 1:21-22 - "And it is God who establishes us with you in Christ, and has anointed us, and who has also put his seal on us and has given us his Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee."

     Romans 8:16 - "The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God."

    2 Timothy 1:12 -"Which is why I suffer as I do. But I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have 
believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me."

     As I study and learn more about my God, the more I am assured of my salvation. "Jesus is Lord" is my sacred confession and I know that my God is mighty enough to save me, even when my emotions are not completely in tune. I believe the words in 1 John 3:20 that "God is greater than [my] heart." ( [my] changed from the word [our] for emphasis of the point.)
     Some still ask, well how do you know you're saved if you don't feel it? I know I am saved because of the evidences of a changed life in me. I am not the person I was before Christ, because Christ is now in me and I seek him and his glory.

     2 Corinthians 5:17 - "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has      passed away; behold the new has come."

   Ezekiel 36:26-27 - "And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in statues and be careful to obey my rules.

    I am a new creation in Jesus, with a new heart, even on the days I don't feel all that new. I have an assurance in something far greater than my emotions-I have assurance in the power of Christ's death and resurrection to save me and make me righteous. I don't have to feel saved, because God has already saved me and I can cling to that confidence when times are hard and circumstances dictate my fickle emotions.

    Hebrews 10:21-23 - "And since we have a great high priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful."
 
   This is not to say that there is not an emotional response that comes with new life in Christ. Absolutely, when you enter into new life, you will feel joy and elation and your emotions will be bubbling over. You will have times when you will feel like your heart is going to burst from the overflow of love and grace you feel through the Spirit. I am not saying that emotions are evil or that we should never feel anything, I am saying that we cannot rely on our emotions to assure us of our salvation. Feel your emotions, but trust in your Jesus for your salvation and rest in the Spirit to assure you of your adoption into God's family.

Giving Voice To a Dream

        This weekend I told my husband something that I have never really said out loud before. I shared a secret dream that had been a part of me since fifth grade, but had not seemed like a reality. I gave voice to a big dream that will hopefully change my career path. I said the words, "I want to be a writer."
         I wrote my first short story when I was in Mrs. Lamb's fifth grade class at EJ Hayes Elementary School in Williamston, NC. I don't remember what it was about, other than I think there was a castle involved, but I do remember the feeling I had when my teacher and my parents told me it was good. It was the first time I ever felt really good at something. That feeling has never really left me.
         Written word has always been a strength for me. I suck at drawing, I can't even draw stick people correctly. To this day the thought of having to draw something makes me anxious. The only way I have ever been able to bring to life the pictures inside my head is to write out the description. Writing has been something that just came naturally to me and something that I had a passion for.
          However, I also had another passion-to be a teacher. I loved kids, especially kids with special needs and I knew that I wanted to be a teacher. It was around my junior year of high school that I began to throw all of my energy into becoming a special education teacher. Writing became less important, although there were times when I would think back on it with longing and fondness. I was going to be a teacher and becoming a writer was just a dream, not a reality.
          I want to say right now that I really did love teaching. I was a special education teacher for 8 years in 2 different states. I loved my students and my job and I was a good teacher. Had you asked, I would have even said I was happy being a teacher. I thought I was in the career from which one day I would retire.
         Then my daughter was born and she stayed sick the first year and a half of her life. It quickly became evident that we needed to get her out of daycare. An opportunity arose for me to be a nanny and with that opportunity I would be able to stay home with my kids. So at the end of the 2011-2012 school year I quit my teaching job and became a stay-at-home mom/nanny.
         During the first year at home I dabbled in several avenues for my creativity. I started a small business making handmade bags and girls clothing and quilts. Then I branched out to crocheting hats for babies and children. I had an etsy shop and a Facebook page and at times I would dream of that becoming my "career." But it quickly became evident that I was not offering anything unique and that, at best, I had a hobby that I could make some money off of.
          Then in December of 2013 I started this blog, mainly because I felt I had something to add to the Santa debate. When I finished that first blog post, it was like someone lit a fire deep inside of me and I felt something that I had not felt in a long time. I felt more than pride, I felt like I was fulfilling my calling. Writing that blog post was my first baby step towards my dream.
         Over the next couple of months I posted on my blog a couple of times a week. Most of the things I wrote got maybe 20-30 views, but that was okay with me. I was writing and I was happy. In February I wrote the blog post that would spark my next baby step. I wrote about my struggle with body image and in one day my post had over 100 views. That had never happened before and I was really excited.
         A couple of days later I took another baby step and I outlined my first book based on the original body image blog post. For several weeks, my outline was just that, a simple outline of a book that I might want to write.
         In March I joined Jon Acuff's 30 Days of Hustle and I committed to actually writing my first book. And I did! My first book is not going to be a game changer, but it is mine! It's really short and we will probably just publish it ourselves as an e-book, but it is the first giant step towards my goal of becoming an author.
        April began a new month of 30 Days of Hustle and I committed to finishing the fiction novel that I timidly began a year ago. Through the encouragement of my hustle group and family I went from having just over 7,000 words to over 22,000 words written in a week. The more I see my vision come to life on the page, the more I realize that I want to be an author.
       It is scary to admit to having a big dream like that. I might not have what it takes. It may be a dream that takes years before it actually can become my full-time job. It's a dream that requires sacrifice and dedication. When it was a dream inside my head, it wasn't so scary because no one else would know if I made it or not. Now it is a dream that I am sharing with everyone (or at least the people who will actually read this blog post) and everyone will know if I fail or if I succeed. That used to scare me, but I'm not so afraid anymore.
        My passion is written word and one day I want to walk into a book store and see my books on the shelf. My name is Lisa and I am going to be an author!

A Sweet Reminder of The Joy of Motherhood

      My husband and I never planned on having another baby after our son was born. We had experienced a very traumatic labor in which we almost lost him, and I really did not want to go through that again. We had in our minds the plan that should play out for our family, but God, he had a different plan. God knew that until Sophia became a part of our family, that we would not be complete. Sophia made our family whole.
       Sophia has been dramatic and a diva since she was in the womb. She has always been one to make her presence and feelings known. You never have to guess what Sophia is feeling because she feels everything exponentially. Sophia can light up a room with a simple smile or gesture or she can bring down a room with a scream. She wears her emotions on her sleeve.
        I struggle sometimes with understanding my daughter. She is sometimes so different from me and our personalities don't always mesh. Sophia is independent and strong-willed and a free thinker; while I am independent, I have always been more of a rule follower who tried to do the right thing. I like the box, and Sophia does not like to be contained.
         There are days when Sophia and I clash and our home is far from peaceful. I have a friend whose daughter is similar to Sophia and we often encourage each other with the reminder that one day this stubborn, strong-willed attitude will serve her very well. I know that when Sophia gets older, she will not be easily swayed and that she will have no problem taking a stand for what she wants. Sophia is going to grow up to be the kind of woman who refuses to settle for less than what she deserves and she is going to fight for what she thinks is right. But right now when she is three, these character traits tend to push my buttons more times than not.
         And then there are moments when other aspects of her personality shine through. Moments when she does something that absolutely melts my heart and makes me remember just how blessed I am that I get to be Sophia's mom. Moments like this one:

     
            This weekend my sister was able to capture a very sweet moment between my daughter and me. Sophia was exhausted after traveling for 6 hours the night before and playing hard with her brother and cousin all afternoon. She climbed up into my lap and before long she had fallen asleep. I love this picture. It reminds me why I get up every morning. Moments like the one in this picture are why I quit my teaching job to stay home with my kids. I cannot even imagine a life in which Sophia is not present. Yes, Sophia and I may butt heads and odds are good that our personalities will clash many times over the years to come, but she is my girl and I would not trade her for the world.

     

I Would Have Been a Pharisee!

        When you read the Bible, especially the New Testament, it is pretty clear who the bad guys are, besides, you know, Satan. The bad guys are clearly the Pharisees and the religious leaders of the day. They are the ones who are threatened by Jesus, they are the ones who constantly doubt and question Jesus, and they are the ones who orchestrate his death on the cross (at least they think they orchestrate it).
        Christians today have the beautiful privilege of reading the magnificent story of the Bible, already knowing the outcome. We get to read the story in hindsight, seeing how everything pans out from beginning to end. We have the bird's eye view of seeing all the parts come together; we know the plan and we get to see it play out.
         I have heard people say that believing in Jesus must have been so much easier for the disciples because they got to touch him and see him in the flesh, they were able to talk to him face-to-face everyday for three years. Belief would have been so much easier back then.
          This year I have been, at times very slowly, studying the book of John. Our church has spent the better part of a year preaching through the gospel of John, and I decided that I would also study the book during my daily time alone with God. As I have been reading and journaling through this beautiful gospel book, I have been trying to imagine myself in the moment described. I am trying to not just look at it from my perspective, but also trying to put myself in the shoes of those present. Something that I have come to realize is that I would have been one of the Pharisees, one of the skeptics; I would have been a bad guy.
         You see, I know my personality. I am jaded and at times very skeptical of things. If someone were to tell me of a miracle today, my initial reaction would be skepticism and doubt. If I were standing in a synagogue listening to a carpenter's son claim to be not only the Son of God, but God himself, I would have thought he was looney toons. I would more than likely have been one of the good girls who knew the rules and tried my hardest to follow them and I would have looked down on Jesus because he didn't follow the rules. I would have believed with all my heart everything I had been taught by the religious leaders and I would not have been easily swayed.
         We don't like to think that we would have been one of the bad guys in the narrative of the life of Jesus. We like to believe that we would have been one of the chosen twelve, or at the very least one of his devoted followers. But look at the disciples, they did not fully understand or even fully believe that Jesus was in fact God. My husband and I were talking about this on our long ride home from NC yesterday and he told me that during the time of Jesus there were many "Messiahs". Many men had come along claiming to be the Messiah the prophets were talking about.
        In Acts 5, Peter and some of the other apostles had been put into prison for claiming the Jesus was the risen Son of God. Later that night an angel of the Lord appears, opens the doors of the prison and tells the apostles to go and stand in the temple and speak to the people. As you can imagine the high priests were not too happy about this situation. The apostles are brought before a council and the things they speak make the council so mad that many wanted to kill the apostles. But in verses 35-39 a Pharisee named Gamaliel, a man of great honor and respect, stands up and says:
   
       "Men of Israel, take care what you are about to do with these men. For before before these days Theudas rose up, claiming to be somebody, and a number of men, about four hundred, joined him. He was killed, and all who followed him were dispersed and came to nothing. After him Judas the Galilean rose up in the days of the census and drew away some of the people after him. He too perished, and all who followed him were scattered. So in the present case I tell you, keep away from these men and let them alone, for if this plan or this undertaking is of man, it will fail; but if it is of God, you will not be to overthrow them. You might even be found opposing God!"

        Gamaliel lists off two men who developed great followings prior to Jesus and you get the impression that there were many more. Had I been a Jew during this time, my skepticism would have said, "he's just another crazy guy claiming to be something he's not." I would not have believed in Jesus.
         Praise God for his grace in allowing me to be born now when I can look at the whole story and see the truth from an outside perspective. Belief and faith in Jesus is a hard thing, no matter when you live. We like to think it would have been easier to physically see Jesus, but that's not true. It was just as hard then as it is now to believe that Jesus is the Son of God. However, believe it I do. If it was easy, everyone would do it :).

          "Enter by the narrow gate. For the fate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few." Matthew 7:13-14

         It may not be easy to trust in Jesus, but trusting in him leads to the greatest reward!

Seeing God in The Midst of Chaos

   This has been a week of great vehicular chaos for my family, and especially my poor husband.

• On Friday night, a little after midnight, someone was leaving the house across the street and backed into my husband's car (which was parked in the ditch in front of our house) leaving two huge dents in the side. When my husband saw the damage on Saturday and confronted the people living there, no one would admit to it, which means that we can't really do anything about it.
• On Sunday, my husband was driving home from church and someone basically ran him off the road causing him to shred his tire on the curb
• Yesterday morning (Wednesday) on the way to work someone stopped suddenly in front of my husband, he didn't have time to react and he ran into the back of the car.

     Having one car involved in 3 accidents in 5 days is just not something that happens often. When my husband called me yesterday morning to inform me of the accident, his first words were, "I quit this week." At the time I did not know what to say other than I was so sorry it happened and that I loved him and that I was so glad he was ok. I spent my time alone with God yesterday praying for my husband, seeking out Scripture, and just leaning on God to help us see and feel his presence in the midst of what felt like complete and utter chaos.

      As I sought comfort in God's word I kept being reminded that God is in complete control and that nothing that has happened in the last week caught him off guard. He was not surprised by the fact Aaron was in 3 wrecks in 5 days-God knew what was going to happen and this all fits into his grand plan. Our initial reaction is to question God's plan and to be confused by what could possibly come out of this chaos. We want to know the plan. But we don't deserve to be privy to God's plan. We could not even begin to comprehend God's plan even if he did let us in on it. We are not promised to ever know how the plan will work out, we are only promised that God does have a plan.

       Yesterday Aaron and I both took great comfort in the fact that God is in control and that he has a good handle on everything. My husband pointed out yesterday that it was so comforting to know that God was not only sovereign but near in the chaos. God was not off on a business trip when Aaron wrecked his car yesterday. He was right there with Aaron. That is a beautiful truth to cling to.

        As I do often here on the blog, I want to share the Scripture that really spoke truth into our chaos yesterday.

    

       "putting everything in subjection under his feet." Now putting everything in subjection to               him, he left nothing outside his control. At present, we do not yet see everything in                           subjection to him." Hebrews 2:8

        - Nothing is outside of the control of God - NOTHING! We are not in a place where we can fully understand that truth, but it is truth none the less. God is in control!

         "I form light and create darkness, I make well-being and create calamity, I am the Lord, who           does all things." Isaiah 45:7

         - God is working everything to his plan and he is in control

         "The Lord has everything for its purpose, even the wicked for the day of trouble." 

         Proverbs 16:4

         -God has purposed everything to fulfill his great plan. We may not ever know that plan, but the plan is still in place. God knows what he is doing and I need to simply rest in the fact that he is in control.

        "For by him all things were created in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether              thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities - all things were created through him and for            him. And he is before all things and in him all things hold together." Colossians 1:16-17

        - God is still holding everything together, even when it seems like it is all falling apart.

        Finally I was comforted by the story of Jesus calming the raging sea (Matthew 8:23-27; Mark 4:35-41; Luke 8:22-25). All around the disciples the seas were raging and I'm sure they were certain their deaths were upon them. Then Jesus stood up and spoke to the winds and the waves and they stopped. At the sound of their Maker's voice, the winds and waves obeyed and stopped raging. My God is still that God who can calm a raging sea with just the sound of his voice.

A Goal Accomplished

       On Tuesday of this week I completed a goal that I began working on February 25, 2014. It was that day that I sat down a created an actual outline for my first book. Well, to be honest my goal began on February 18, 2014 with one of my most popular blog posts to date: Today I Hate My Body. This blog post was the catalyst for my book. I stepped out of my comfort zone and joined a Facebook group at the beginning of March called 30 Days of Hustle and I shared with that group my goal of writing a book. The purpose of doing joining this group and sharing my goal was to be encouraged and also held accountable to actually writing the book.
        I will admit that I was really scared to write a book. I feared that I do not possess the talent necessary to write a book. I feared that I would not finish since I have started many a project that have yet to be completed. I feared that I would fail.
        There were only 4 people who have known that I was writing a book since that day in February: my parents, my sister, and my husband. I later told a close friend and then even later I told the women in my Community Group. I did not want to tell people in case I did not finish. I was terrified of letting everyone down or being seen as a failure. It took a lot of courage for me to actually tell people that I was starting this journey. I knew that I would never actually finish unless there was a core group of people who could journey with me and push me towards the finish line.
        Well on Tuesday, March 25, 2014 I wrote the final words of the first draft of my book!

          I have sent the book to some people for editing and I am preparing to begin the next stage: revision! For those who have been on this journey with me from the beginning and for those who are just joining this journey now, here are some things you can pray for me and also ways you can encourage me:

1. Pray that I will be committed to the process-it would be very easy for me to just say, "I've written it and now I'm done".
2. Pray that I will accept the feedback well-I struggle with criticism, especially in regards to my writing. I need to see the feedback as ways to help improve my book.
3. Pray that I will find the words to "thicken" the book-currently the book is very short, and I feel that I do need to add to it-right now that seems difficult
4. Pray that I will remember that this is my first book and it will not make me rich and famous-pray that I will remember that this is to His Glory, not my own

        So to close, cheers to an accomplished goal and cheers to the next phase! It feels really good to be in this moment!