What a weird name for a Blog

     This probably should have been my first post, but I am a rebel, I don't conform to the man. Actually, that's not true. You see what had happened was, I had something I really had to get off my chest and I decided to start a blog to do it. In order to start said blog, I had to give it a title, thus "The Reluctant Backbone". I couldn't explain the title without losing all that I wanted to say on the first topic, so I had to write that post first. So now, here we are, 2 posts in and I am now going to explain why my blog is titled, "The Reluctant Backbone." I know, you are super excited.
  
      So, why is my backbone reluctant? Well, it all started a long, long time ago in a galaxy far...wait, sorry sidetracked. Ok, I have always been a pretty compliant person. I never made many waves, I have always hated conflict, and I have always tried very, very hard to do the right thing and make everyone happy. I did not always succeed, but I always tried my best. This tendency in me has led me to have very little in the backbone department. Now don't get me wrong, sometimes I have stood up for myself or made waves and I have even started a controversy or two, but as a whole, I like to go with the flow and try not to make people mad.

     I am especially timid when it comes to men. I have always wanted to be loved, and not because I was not loved well as a child. On the contrary, I had amazing parents and a pretty spectacular dad who never let a day go by without expressing his love for my mother and my sister and me. However, for some reason, I still felt this deep rooted desire to be loved by someone of the opposite sex. I hated the thought of being alone, so when I found a guy I liked I would latch on to him and pretend to be whatever he wanted me to be just so he would like me. As you can imagine, this led to some less than stellar relationships on my part growing up. It was a habit I just could not seem to break.

     When I met my beautiful husband over 9 years ago, my backbone was a little stronger, but still pretty flimsy. I was more independent and more willing to be myself, but I also desperately wanted to him to like me. Now we did have a lot of fights about stupid stuff, but I did not disagree with him on the real stuff-the big stuff. And on the off chance that I did disagree with him on something big, odds were that at the end of the day I was going to just give in to his point of view.

      After my husband and I got married, this never really changed. I could not stand for him to be mad at me, so I buried most of my unpleasant feelings and then on the rare occasion that I would share my feelings, I would quickly dismiss them as hormonal and apologize first and beg for things to go back the way they were. I was so desperately afraid that one day he would wake up and realize what a terrible mistake he had made in marrying a basket case like me, and just walk out. It was totally irrational, but it was my fear.

      A couple of years ago, our marriage went through a really rough patch. We had been living in Louisville for about 2 years and had recently had our second child. I was miserable and we were disconnected and I just wanted to pack up and go home to NC, and I didn't really care if he came with me or not. A wonderful friend from church spoke into my life and encouraged me to share my feelings with my husband, and after weeks of prodding, I finally did. After a lot of tears and many conversations and a lot of hurting (because let's face it growth hurts) things did get better. Our marriage was improving, but I was still very reluctant to have a real backbone in our relationship.

     Then in September my community group leader encouraged me to join Women's School at Sojourn (our church here in Louisville). I reluctantly agreed, because this was way out of my comfort zone-sitting with women I did not know on a weekly basis, having to disciple someone, growing in my faith-all of this was very difficult for me, but in the end I agreed. This has turned out to be one of the best experiences of my life.

    Through Women's School I have been learning so much about my faith and the deep theology of Christianity. I am being pushed out of my comfort zone weekly and I am being challenged to become more than a spectator  in my faith. I am in the Word almost daily and I am even keeping a prayer journal, which I have never done for more than a couple of weeks in my life. But the best thing about Women's School is that it is showing me where my true identity lies-it is Jesus!!

    I have begun to realize and truly accept that, for so long, I was defining myself by what my husband's opinion of me was. If he was happy with me, than I was happy with myself. If he was unhappy with me, than I was a worthless piece of crap. Then one night something happened and I finally spoke up about my feelings. I told my husband exactly how I felt and how unhappy I was with the situation. Then I slept. I slept so peacefully that night, and I knew it was because I had done the right thing.

     The most amazing part did not happen until the next day. My husband was clearly upset with me and barely spoke to me that morning before he left for work. I almost caved. I almost texted him and told him that I was crazy and that I shouldn't have said anything and to please not be mad anymore; but I didn't. Instead I sought Godly wisdom from my mother and then I dove into the Word and took my concerns to my heavenly Father. In that moment I realized that every other time I had caved in the past, I had done so because I was believing Satan's lies that I needed my husband to approve of me to be worth anything. My husband's opinion does not define me, my identity is Jesus.That was the day that everything clicked for me and I saw a dramatic change in my life. Jesus became my backbone.

      Don't get me wrong, I still seek for my husband to approve of my choices, he is the head of our household and I value his opinion greatly. But I no longer define myself or my worth by his opinion, and you know what, he is proud of me for that. He has told me often over the past few months about how proud he is of me and he has even bragged on me to his family and friends. That feels good.

      Do I like conflict anymore than before? Not really. Do I like taking a stand? I still would rather not. But, I know that it's not about me or my comfort, it is about Jesus. I see the whole world differently and daily I am breaking down myself so that Jesus can become more clear in my life. I am leaning on Jesus to be my backbone when the need arises. So to explain my blog title, I am still reluctant about this whole backbone thing, but I am stepping out on faith and trusting Jesus to hold me and by my firm rock to stand on when the time comes.