Wednesday, December 18, 2013

How We Make Our Marriage Work

    Aaron and I have been married for 7 and a half years and it has not always been easy. A couple of years ago we hit a really rough patch and things got really difficult. We never came close to divorce, but there were many times when I was ready to pack up and go home to my momma; and it didn't really matter if Aaron came with me or not.
     Thankfully, Aaron and I had some wonderfull Christian friends who spoke truth into our lives and helped us get on the road to repairing our marriage. After almost  2 years, Aaron and I are finally in a really good place. We are more in love than we have ever been and we simply happier in our marriage.
      This journey has been a difficult, and at times painfu one, especially for me. I had a lot to learn about what a healthy, Godly marriage looks like and I also had a lot of growing to do. Don't get me wrong, Aaron had changes to make  as well, but this blog is about me.
      I want to share some of the things that I learned over the past 2 years about what makes our marriage work. I want to preface these lessons with, our marriage works first and foremost because Jesus Christ is at the center. Our marriage began to improve when our individual walks with the Lord became stronger. Without Christ working in our lives, our marriage simply would not work.

1. Your spouse should not be your everything.
     This one was a hard lesson for me to learn. I grew up watching the fairy tales and the romantic movies and listening to all the love songs. I wanted a love like in the movies-full of passion and romance, so in love with someone that I would not be able live without him. This looks good in the movies, but in reality it is an unbearable burden for someone to carry. At first, this way of thinking is flattering and in theory it sounds good. Being someone's "everything" is good for the ego, but it also means that the other person's every emotion and sense of worth is dependant upon you. That is a lot to be responsible for. I was guilty for years of making Aaron my everything and I have come to learn how unfair that was to him. Aaron should not have to shoulder the responsibility being my world. Once I found my identity solely in Jesus and I removed that burden from Aaron, our marriage began to improve.

2. Do not be a mirror of each other's emotions.
      Another thing that I am guilty of. When Aaron was having a bad day and he snaps, I would find myself snapping back at him, thus beginning a cycle of anger, bitterness, and meanness.  This is also a lesson that I am just becoming aware and I am still learning. When Aaron is having a bad day, I should show him grace and love and try to remove extra stress and chaos. It is hard to be gracious and loving when someone is snapping at you, but it is worth it. Remember you can either add to the chaos or you can help to relieve it.

3. Do not criticize your spouse in front of friends and/or family.
     This lesson is one I heard long before I ever got married, but did not realize just how guilty I was of it until Aaron and I had been married a few years. The danger of this mistake is that everyone takes on a mob mentality and gangs up on the complained upon making everything exponentially worse. There are two things I do that help me avoid this mistake. First, I try really hard to not complain about Aaron around our family. I just keep my mouth shut when I am annoyed. Second, I am quick to defend Aaron when others complain about him. Defending my husband keeps me from ganging up on him.

4. Be quick to apologize.
   Another tip that I was given prior to getting married that I never realized the importance of until I had been married for a few years. I like to be right and I hate to apologize when I feel like I have been wronged. But in almost every argument, both parties share some of the blame and both people need to apologize. Lately, I have been quick to apologize after arguments for the things I am at fault for and this has made such a difference in my relationship with Aaron. I try not to wallow in how I have been wronged, but instead seek ways to reconcile quickly.

5. Recognize when your spouse expresses his love language.
    As with most couples, Aaron and I have different love languages. Aaron speaks through acts of service and I speak through gifts and words of affirmation. For a long time, I would get upset because my husband would not bring me flowers for no reason and he did not affirm me like I wanted to be affirmed. Then I started thinking about all the things that Aaron does do for me.  He will do the laundry, unload the dishwasher, change the oil in my car, treat my windows before I leave on a trip, etc. Aaron serves me in so many ways and that is how he shows me his love. Now, I am not saying that we should not try to speak in our spouse's love language as well. I work hard to keep the house clean because that matters to Aaron, and he tries to bring me flowers or a candy bar every couple of weeks because that matters to me. However, when those times come around that Aaron does not speak my love language, instead of getting bitter that I am not getting what I want, I choose to look for ways that Aaron has spoken his love language. This simple choice has made a huge difference in my attitude towards my husband.

  This list is not all inclusive and it is not a one size fits all list. Aaron and I do not have a perfect marriage and we are by no means experts. What lessons have you learned in your marriage?

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