Getting Real About the Mess of Life

   Today I am doing a "let's be real" post. The purpose of this post is not to vent about my horrible life or make people pity me and my poor life. The purpose of this post is to be real with people who read my blog and to be honest about how life is not always easy, even for a Christian.
    I know there are some who believe that once you become a Christian life is supposed to be all rainbows, unicorns, and gumdrops and that all trials are faced with joy and thanksgiving and deep prayer.  Good Christians do not battle depression or anxiety or feelings of bitterness because they are now filled with the love of Jesus and this magically makes all the bad things go away. And the Christians that do deal with this evil things obviously don't read their Bible enough or prayer enough or do enough good works or whatever. I hope this post will show you what bullcrap that way of thinking is.
    I am one of those people who struggles with depression and anxiety and feelings of bitterness and resentment. I am not always an emotionally stable individual. I have a nasty habit of bottling up my feelings and making myself feel guilty for feeling certain feelings and holding on to bad experiences. This past weekend was one of those times.
    There is not a specific incident that I can point to and say that was the moment when everything went haywire, but I do know it was sometime on Friday. Something happened on Friday and I felt myself turning into an emotional yo-yo, one minute I was happy and the next I was depressed or angry or just fed up with life. My attitude stunk big time and I couldn't seem to pull myself out of my funk. Saturday was another emotional yo-yo day. There were moments of ecstasy and moments of deep depression. By the time Sunday morning came around there wasn't much bouncing up, I was low and nothing could make me feel better. I was angry and bitter at my husband, at my kids, at my friends, at the world.
    We attend a large church in Louisville and one of the ways that we experience community is through Community Groups (CG), which are small groups of people that meet in various homes throughout the city during the week. These are the people that you do life with outside of the large gatherings at the church building on Sunday morning. Our CG meets at our home every other Sunday night, and last night was our week to have CG. When I got home from church I began to honestly dread everyone coming over. I had to clean the house and then I had to pretend to be happy when everyone came over. I just was not looking forward to CG, which is not normal for me.
     I could feel myself becoming more emotional at CG was going on and I was doing everything I could to simply hold it together so I would start crying in front of everyone. It came time for accountability, when the men and women split off into two groups so we can talk with each other more intimately, and when my turn came to share, I just started crying and I couldn't stop. I mean I was an emotional basket case. Everything I had been feeling over the last couple of days just bubbled over and I blubbered all over the ladies in my group.
     I talked about how I am struggling with adjusting to our new schedule since my husband started his new job a couple of weeks ago. I am lonely because I feel like I don't see my husband. My son has had a poor attitude and doesn't want to go to school or do his homework or be nice. My daughter is very emotional and has a diva complex that makes rationalizing with her and even disciplining her a real struggle. My job is not always easy. I am a little resentful of how handsome my husband is and how he can just start a new intense workout routine like its nothing. I feel unworthy of my husband because I am overweight. I feel myself falling into a cycle where I hate my body, but I hate to workout in the gym because other people can see me and how out of shape I am, so I don't go to the gym. I feel pulled in a thousand directions and I just can't keep up.
    At one point during my blubbering, I was asked by one of the ladies in my CG about how my walk with the Lord had been during the week, was I praying and in the word? I told her I was in the word everyday and praying everyday. My bought with depression was not because of a lack of spiritual discipline. Very often, that is our advice when someone is struggling. Oh your dealing with depression, well you just need to memorize Scripture and start a pray journal and have you tried fasting? Sometimes, even the most spiritually disciplined Christians struggle with depression or anxiety or a number of other things, and it's not because they stopped reading God's Word or praying or worshipping, it's because life is hard sometimes.
   I wish I could tell you that I am magically better this morning and that I am feeling such peace that all my troubles have melted away, but that is not true. I do feel a little better because I shared my struggles with the people in my life, my family, and I know that they are going to be lifting me up in prayer and checking in on me and that they are not going to leave me in my depression. Just knowing that I have people who love me does help. I wish I could tell you that I found the perfect formula of prayer or the right Bible verse to recite when things get hard or the exact worship song that I can play to speak into my situation, but that just isn't the case. Right now, I am trying to pry my hands open so that I can release my burdens to my heavenly Father and I am trying to lean on the power of Jesus and I am reminding myself that I have the power of the Holy Spirit giving me the strength and courage to carry on, but it isn't easy. I still struggle with the sin of making myself God. I think that I have to handle all life's problems on my own and that things are much better if I am in control. My sin is real and present, even though I have a strong walk with the Lord.
   Why am I telling you all this? I realized this morning that in a way I have been lying to those of you who read my blog on a daily basis. I think that I may have painted a rainbows, unicorns, and gumdrops picture of my spiritual life. I fear that I may be presenting my struggles in a way that minimizes them and makes it seem like I just give it all over to the Lord and walk off in peace and joy. My worry is that I am giving you the "Jesus" answer to everything without being real about life. Life is messy and hard and painful and sometimes there is no perfect "Jesus" answer that will make it all better.
    I hope that maybe you are a little encouraged this morning and I really hope that I have not scared you off from entering into a relationship with Jesus. While being in a relationship with Jesus does not always mean life will be easy, it is always worth it. I know that I have a God who understands my feelings of loneliness and depression and anxiety and that I have a God who loves me and is working to sanctify me daily. I know that there is coming a day when I will no longer battle depression or anxiety or bitterness or resentment and I can look forward to that hope, even when I am in the pits. This world is broken and that brokenness means that good, Jesus-loving people sometimes suffer, but I know that this world is not my home and one day I will be in the presence of Jesus and this world will fade away. Life is hard, but God is good and he will sustain me.