Thursday, January 16, 2014

How Being a Jerk Taught Me About the Love of God

      Last week I had one of those epic, monumental, big-time mommy fail moments. I was trying to get my two kids ready to go have lunch with their daddy at work. It was the typical stress of trying to get a 5 year old and 3 year old to do anything faster than the pace of a snail. I asked my son, the 5 year old, to please get dressed and brush his teeth. He proceeded to cry and cry and cry. He cried and wailed for at least 15 minutes, and around minute 5 I lost it. I yelled at  him, I spoke to him in a less than loving way, I showed my frustration in my body language, tone, etc. Of course, my reaction only made things worse.
    Finally we get in the car and about 5 minutes into the 20 minute drive, my son finally stopped crying. When we got to Daddy's Work I realized that my son was actually sleeping, which never happens. As I was getting him out of the car I did apologize to him and told him that the way I acted was in no way okay and that no matter what he does, mommy should never treat him that way. I asked my son to forgive me and with a hug he did. I told him I loved him very much and he replied in kind. We then went in to have lunch with Daddy.
    As we were sitting at lunch, my son refused all food, choosing only to drink. Then my husband and I noticed that our son looked a little pale. Then my son fell asleep in the car again on the way home. This was my final indication that something was not right. When we got home, I laid my son down on the couch and took his temperature and discovered that he was running a fever. We later found out that he had a virus and an ear infection; he was really sick.
    Earlier my son was feeling ill and he couldn't find the words to tell me that, so he cried. He cried and I yelled. I was not paying attention to what my son was really trying to tell me. I was interpreting what I wanted and I responded in kind. My son was not trying to be difficult, he was trying to communicate, "hey mom, I'm sick."
   I felt like the worst mom in the whole world all day. How could I be so oblivious to not see what was really going on? How could I be so horrible to my sweet baby? Why do I so often over react to situations? Why I am still allowing sin to take control of my life?
    As I have thought back on that whole situation this last week, I am able to see a reflection of the gospel. So often I treat God like I treated my son. I don't like how God is handling a situation and instead of listening to what God is trying to communicate, I get mad and yell and scream and treat God like dirt. I give God the silent treatment and a ton of attitude because he is not doing things the way I think they should be done. I don't want to hear what God has to say. Sometimes, a lot of times, I treat God likes he is an annoying
kid instead of the creator of the universe. Sometimes I act like a complete and total jerk to God.
    But thankfully God does not mirror my emotions and responses back to me, he instead shows me everlasting love and forgiveness, much like my son. Later that evening as my son's fever was going higher and higher, all he wanted was to cuddle with me. My son no longer cared about how awful I was to him that morning. He had forgiven me and was not holding my earlier behavior against me. All he cared about was that I was his mommy and that I love him. My son showed me true grace and love and forgiveness, and he didn't even have to try, it came naturally to him.
    I know that part of this is because my son knows just how much I love him, and I do love him very much. But more than that, my son is beginning to understand the love of God, which gives him the capacity to love others in return. God created us to be loving people in relationship with others. God created relationships to show us examples of the kind of intimacy he wants with us, his children. My heavenly Father is quick to forgive me when I seek forgiveness, not because I deserve it, but because he loves me and I am precious to him. I am eternally thankful that God shows me grace when I am a jerk.
    I am thankful that I have such loving, wonderful children who are quick to forgive. I am thankful that my heavenly Father continues to sanctify me through my experiences. I am thankful to be in a personal relationship with God and that I am able to experience his grace, love, and forgiveness every day. I am thankful that God does not leave me in my sin, but convicts me and gives me power through the Holy Spirit to repent of those sins. I am thankful to have another day to try and be more like Christ.

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