It is that time of year when everyone makes their New Year's Resolutions. This year I am going to run everyday. This year I am going to lose 50 pounds. This year I am going to eat healthier. This year I am going to be more organized. The list goes on and on. Most people keep their resolve for about 2 weeks and by February they have completely given up. I have a resolution suggestion that requires very little work on your part: live a life of no more shame.
Shame is a topic that I know all too well. If you have read any of my previous blog posts, you know a little of my story. I was raised with the mindset of always being good. I remember being told by my parents and grandparents to behave because I represented our family every time I walked out the door. At church, the story was not much different. I grew up going to church every time the doors were opened and much of the teachings revolved around morality; following God's rules and not sinning because sinners go to hell. Unfortunately, I never grasped the concept that it is only by the power of Jesus that I can do anything. I believed that it was up to me to follow the rules and "be good."
I was carrying a very heavy burden, that I was never meant to bear. I tried really hard to do the right thing and I failed miserably, a lot. Every time I broke one of the rules I would feel horrible and the guilt would set in. Guilt has a lovely way of taking up residence deep in your gut and before long it invites its old buddy shame to move right in. As I got older my sins got, bigger you might say. I was doing things that I knew were wrong and I was living a life that was a total contradiction from the way I was raised. I always felt bad about what I was doing, but I did not possess the will power to say no. And my shame kept me in this spiral of sin and guilt.
Every time I would resolve to give up a specific sin, my shame would start replaying this movie reel of every time I had failed in the past. It was horrible and my resolve would just fall to pieces. It wasn't long into high school that I just gave up trying at all. My shame had become a permanent resident in my soul and I wasn't good enough to do anything about it.
Shame makes you feel completely worthless. You are not good enough to accomplish anything and if you try you are just going to fail again. My shame led me to seek worth and value in guys. I always had to have a boyfriend. In my entire middle school and high school career I don't think I went more than a week without a boyfriend. My worth was dependent on having a guy like me. I would change my identity to match whatever I thought would get me the most attention. When I had a boyfriend I would lose all sense of self and suddenly I liked whatever he liked and I did whatever he wanted me to do. My shame kept me in these unhealthy relationships because I believed I wasn't worth any better.
My senior year in high school my grandfather died after a long battle with cancer. This was the first time I had ever lost a grandparent and I was devastated. My life was turned completely upside down and I began to see just how out of control everything was. I became very angry and bitter at God and at most of the world. I was lashing out and just hoping that someone would notice and rescue me.
Then I went to summer camp, just like every other summer since I was 12, but this time something was different. I was very open with my anger and my doubts and my feelings of shame and worthlessness. On one of the final nights of camp I found my group leader and I told her how God could never forgive someone like me. She prayed with me and showed me that God loved me so much he sent Jesus to die for me and nothing I could ever do would keep him from loving me. I tell people that I met God face-to-face that night. I threw everything I had at God and I beat his chest with fists, and when I was completely spent I fell into the arms of my heavenly Father. God did not push me away in disgust, instead he wrapped his arms around me and called me his beloved child.
In that moment the shame that had been living in my gut for so long was given its eviction notice. Now my shame put up a fight, but for the first time I did not have to fight it, I simply leaned on Jesus and let him battle for me. It took some time but finally the shame was gone and I began to see myself in a new light. Jesus became my identity and my worth was found solely in him.
I don't want you to think that I trusted in Jesus and I have never struggled with shame ever again, because that is just not the case. I have to daily trust in Jesus to be my identity and trust that his death on the cross is enough to cover all my sins. When I fail by screaming at my kids or giving my husband the silent treatment for a petty infraction or I lose my temper, I remember that I live by grace and this gives me the confidence to ask forgiveness and try again.
You might be asking yourself, why are you telling me all this? My hope and prayer is that my story will give you hope. Maybe you are living with shame that has immobilized you and you believe that you are worthless. Maybe you, like me, are seeking to define yourself by people or things. Maybe you have lost all hope and are just wishing someone will come rescue you. That someone is Jesus.
Jesus left his home in heaven to come to this earth to live a perfect life that we could never live. Jesus then died on the cross, a death he did not deserve, all so he could be the ultimate sacrifice to forgive all of our sins. He then rose three days later to defeat death once and for all, so that if you believe in him you can go through life confidently with no fear of death. Jesus is enough, his grace and forgiveness are sufficient. No matter what your past holds, Jesus' death pays the full price. You do not have to do it alone, you do not have to carry the burden of failure and shame. Jesus' grace can free you from the cycle you are in and give you the confidence and strength to keep trying. Call on the name of Jesus to save you from your mess and believe in his power to set you free.
You have already been chosen by Jesus and he has done all the work, you simply have to accept his gift and walk in new life with him.
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